Seeking Moms' Advice in Husband and Son Issue.

Hi A.,

I have to say that there are two parts to this story. There is the part where you husband needs to grow up as the other mothers have said, but your children need to learn that there are consequences for their actions and "I'm sorry" doesn't always make it better.

That being said, there is an old adage..."Time heals all wounds". What you have to focus on now is not giving your children a victory, though they seemingly aren't interested in the victory right now. Your husband needs time to heal and your children need to back off and accept the consequences for a while. Don't fight with your husband to "let it go" and don't encourage your son to keep apologizing. Actions speak louder than words and the best thing that your son and/or daughter can do is to begin to show their step-dad that they love him without opening the wound each time. One of the hardest things for humans to do is to just let sleeping dogs lie and move on, it's the one that that animals definitely do better than us!

If your husband and yourself have a strong relationship, it will survive this, technically it's only 2 more years before you have the house to yourselves. Celebrate each other, and at the same don't neglect your son.

The truth of the matter is that your son already has a father and he doesn't really need another one it seems from your post, so whether or not he accepts your current husband as a father figure or not and vice-versa at this age doesn't matter much. The worst thing you could do to your marriage at this point is try to fix this situation, it will just create a greater divide between you and your husband and remember that is initially what your children were driving at. If you do try to fix the situation, it may seem like you are on the childrens side of this, not a good idea as it might create an even bigger rift...and truly counseling is not a bad idea. For you and your husband first and MAYBE include your children later. Your husband needs to know that he is MOST important.

I disagree with the other posters who say that your children are MOST important. If they were younger children, then yes it would be most beneficial to work this out for them, but what I have learned from my own experience is that making sure I am happy, rubs off on the children. And making decisions for my childrens sake has usually back fired. Making decisions that are best for me, tend to work out better in the long run. This is your life and soon...2 years or less your son will begin his life, don't let his mistakes destroy or defer your happiness anylonger. But at the same time you still have to be his mother.

At the end of the day...just give it time and try to stay out of the line of fire. You'll thank yourself for it at your 10th and Silver or Gold anniversary!

Good Luck and hope it all works out for the best for you!

A.,

As much as I hate to say this, your children need and should come first. IF your husband can't forgive a child, your child, then something needs to happen. What your son and daughter did is horrible and your husband has a right to be hurt but they were children and they make mistakes. As a parent, it is our job to forgive our children and provide an environment where they feel loved and can learn from their mistakes.

This obviously upsets you and you obviously believe this too. Your son has stood up and tried to make things right but he can't and shouldn't be forced to pay for it for the rest of his life if he wants you to be a part of his life. And you shouldn't have to choose between your husband and/or your children. That is a no-win situation and your husband is just as wrong for putting you in that position.

At this point, I think you guys would benefit from counseling as it sounds like this has gone on so long that the two of you aren't likely to be able to work it out yourselves. Let him know the seriousness of things, when you are ready, and hopefully he will at least invest that much for you.

I wish you well and hope that you guys are able to mend things soon. Keep in mind, you are setting an example for your children and they are near the dating stages. This is a vital time to show them what a "healthy" relationship is and that they deserve to have a health relationship too.

Best wishes!
N.

A.,

I'm sure there's a lot more to the situation than what you outlined as it would be impossible to sum up a relationship of 5+ years in a couple of paragraphs! Lol. But, from what you wrote it seems pretty simple to me... Your husband needs to grow up or get out. HE is supposed to be the adult. What sort of lesson is he teaching the kids if he wont forgive them for something they did when they were children? Has he forgiven your daughter? It's been 5 years!

I have to be frank here, if ANY man "hated" and wanted my son out of our life - he'd be the one leaving. No doubt. Your son is 16 years old...if he's not in your life, where would he go??

I think it may be time for some family counseling - if you haven't tried it already. If your husband refuses to go, it may be time to seriously take a look at your marriage and what benefits it brings to you and (just as important) your kids.

T.

EDITED TO ADD:
I am a child of a "step-home". When Steve first came into our lives, my sister and I resented him so much. For so long it was just us two and my mom. We tried to get Steve out. We went through his dresser, car, whatever trying to find evidence of an affair. We pulled the "he's not my Dad, I don't have to listen" act. I actually tried to scare him out of the house (long, embarrassing story). I'm sure there were some arguements with my mom and Steve behind closed doors that me or my sister started directly or indirectly.

Moral of my story...my mom and Steve got divorced (and not because of us!). When I was causing my mom headaches as an 18 year old...guess where I went to live? Steve's. He wasn't even my Step-dad any longer and he took me in. Guess who gave me away at my wedding 6 years ago and will be giving my sister away at the end of this month? Yep, Steve. Long after he and my mom were no longer, he was and still is a very important part of our lives.

The point is that if your husband loves YOU, he should want to develop some sort of relationship with your kids. In all honesty, they were there first and they should be the priority in your eyes.

I don't think that all "step-relationships" can end up as strong as the one I have with my ex-step-dad, but I think that the opportunity should at least be given to the kids. You know what I mean?

Ok, sorry so long. I'll shut it up now. ;)

You admitted that your husband "hates" your son, has "made your son's life a living hell", and can't let go of your son's past mistakes. Are you kidding me?? Why is this man still in your life? Where are your priorities??? Wake up! Anyone who isn't contributing to your childrens' lives in a POSITIVE way needs to get out! Why are you putting this guy ahead of your children???

REALITY CHECK: There is no way to "patch up" your husband's relationship with your son when your husband wants your son out of your life.

A.,
This is a really tough situation and it must be so difficult being in the middle of two people you desperately love and want to be together as a family. However, you cannot control anyone else's behavior but your own. I too was in a similar situation and I had to just let it go for my own sanity, when I say let it go I mean as in quit trying to patch things up, quit trying to make the other person see the reasons why the other did what they did as it is meaningless unless the other person wants to hear it. Please try to just let it go for just a while, keep on loving each of them the best you can and let the chips fall where they may. I found this to be helpful because my added pressure of trying to have them make up just compounded the situation and made it more stressful for everyone. You may have heard this before but perhaps you could ask your husband to go to counseling with you to sort things out, maybe if he could vent his anger at an objective person it would help, and if he refuses, then you should definitely go on your own to help you better deal with the situation, learn some tools to alleviate some of the tension, maybe you can even take your son as I am sure he is suffering as well and could use some help.
Stay positive. I will say a prayer for you and your family. Good Luck.

All I have to say is he will always be your child. He can live with you until he's 18. If your husband can't forget something that happened awhile ago, than he'll just have to deal with your children being in your life. I don't understand how he can't forgive your son for something your children couldn't comperhand back then. They were young & didn't understand all the changes that were going on around them. My parents could not get along while they were married, but they do now that they're divorced.They have been divorced for almost 18 yrs., we have all been living togather for 6 yrs.

I think you should consider some Family Counseling. The teenage years are difficult anyway and any sort of family tensions can make it that much more difficult. I think you should also think about the possibility that your husband sees your son as a threat. Whenever there are children from a previous relationship/marriage, those children have to be your primary concern. They are your responsibility and your first loyalty is to them. That is one of the main reasons that second marriages are so likely to end in divorce: the new spouse feels displaced by the children from the first relationship. I think five/six years is a very long time to have let something like this go and that the sooner you get into some family counseling the better.

I wish you and your family the best and hope that with some further help you can all heal your relationships.

Step-father and step-son don't have to love each other, or even like each other, but they do need to tolerate one another. Your husband needs to stop "making his [your son's] life a living hell," whatever that means, today.

I suggest a family meeting where expectations are made clear for everyone to agree on. Your husband should not be disciplining these children - that's your role. Everyone should have their space and is entitled to a refuge in their own home. Everyone needs to give courtesy even if they can't come up with affection.

I think family plus marriage counseling is definitely a good idea - and I also think having your son move in with his dad is something to think about if possible.

Adding - I just re-read your post and notice that this false accusation happened before you were even married. Why is this guy still holding a grudge? I definitely think marital counseling is in line here because what's he going to hold a grudge about when the kids are gone? It's not mentally normal to hold a grudge against anyone, let alone the child of someone you love, for 5 years.

Yikes! What a lot of advice! I am probably overwhelmed and not the one to give it, because I would be in the exact situation if my husband were here, but with him being gone, it's like having the resentment in deep-freeze with you all the time! So my only advice at this point is to try not to prolong your decision however painful you feel the truth may be because the option of waiting and being a patient hopeful martyr is not good for any of you. Kids do not see things accurately very often. It is so hard to do anything but set a pristine example, and they will still accuse you and throw things up in your face. That is why parenting is such a noble task, and others tend to downgrade your skills the second they believe you not be a saint. Don't I stir up the pot?? I have a wonderful email to send you if it will copy and paste, but if it doesn't and you have a myspace, request an add, and I will repost the bulletin! www.myspace.com/lloralleaves

Also, If you are a Christian, you may want to attend a Bill Gothard Basic Youth Conflict Seminar with your husband and when your children are old enough (I went in eighth grade) they should attend. Refilling their lives with life-changing awesome experiences is the best medicine. This Seminar has been held for 30+ years and is unlike the Focus, Beth Moore, and other setups. It is more of a solemn psychological makeover for all future conflicts. It used to be held soley at auditoriums like Milwaukee and the McCormick Place, but are available on DVD for the interested churches. Once you pay the initial 65$ and recieve the Hand Syllabus, you can attend for free as an alumni year after year. God Bless.

PS I will read all the replies when I have a free minute, but what I would really like for me personally is for you to tell me more about meeting and remarrying, because I am terrified of the process and must move on, or resign myself to my marriage, soon. LOL I really am serious.

Counseling and if your husband refuses this then I would say maybe you need to choose between them. Children will do things to cause problems like this and he is not the first man to have to battle to keep his pre-made family together. He really needs to get over it but I certainly wouldn't let him put you through a guilt trip over a childish matter that happened years ago. Tell him it is time to stop this childish problem and go to a family counselor before it effects the kids anymore than it already has. If he doesn't want to change the situation for the better for the sake of the whole family then it may be time to split the family up. It is your choice whether you choose your son or your husband. For me I would choose my son. Your husband is the adult and should know that children will do what children will do and we as adults discipline them and let it go once they have learned their lesson. Our job is not to torment them for eternity for making a mistake especially one in which they regret and have learned from.

Have you tried family counseling? I can't imagine how this situation would possibly get better without outside help. I don't think the situation is fair to you at all, but you ALL must see a therapist. I wish I had a good family therapist to recommend, but I would start with your doctor for some suggestions.

Good luck!

Hi A.!

This really sounds like an issue that needs to be addressed by a therapist. Both your husband and your children have issues that could be addressed in family and/or individual counseling sessions.

I actually work for an amazing psychologist who works primarily with families, couples and chidlren. He does amazing work and is incredibly respected within his field. You might check out his website (www.joncarlson.org).

I'm not sure where you live, but if you are a distance from Lake GEneva, I would definitely recommend looking for a therapist in yoru area.

I wish you guys the best of luck!

Warmly,

S.

It’s amazing how manipulative children can be, especially when there is a huge life change (remarriage, new baby, etc). I am a new stepmom (1 year) and my stepdaughter lied to her maternal family and told them that I was mean and abusive to her all of the time. It caused me to shut down and not have anything to do with her. It was to the point where I didn’t even look at her when she was at our house, let alone speak to her because I was so hurt that she would say such a thing about me.

What I try to remember is that she is a child and I am the adult. It is my job (even though unfair) to take the high road and teach her how to act. By holding on to hostility, I am depriving her of a great relationship with a great person – me.

Saying that, your husband has been hurt. Don’t downplay how that feels. Even though they were children, it’s still hurtful when someone misrepresents you. But let your husband work this out. You cannot make him like your children. If they are not in danger, you will have to let them (your husband and children) fix this themselves. You cannot stay in the middle. If they just co-exist in the same house and they are fine with that arrangement, you have to let that be. But, you cannot try and fix this. And it’s a valuable lesson for children to learn.

How is he making your son’s life a living hell, if I can ask?

Hi A., I'm only repeating the same advice that others have given you: Please get some family therapy! My first reaction to your story was that your new husband needs to grow up. Your children were very young when they tried to break up your relationship, and technically your 16 yo son is still a child. My husband and his brothers were SO mean to their new stepmother and they were in their late 20's. Their father has been remarried for almost 20 years and they are just now starting to accept her. The poor woman has been through hell with them, but she has learned to be civil in person and to enjoy her life and marriage when not around the boys. Good luck!

A.:

I don't really have much to say but I feel that the fact that your husband hates your son is a big problem. Your children come first no matter what!

I am a child of divorced parents, and my mother also remarried when I was turning 13. It was hard for both my mother and my step-father when they first got together. I absolutely hated my step-father. Now I get along with him, but I also wanted to break up my parents (mom & step-dad) when they first got together. It took a long time for us to be able to get along. I ended up moving out of the house when I was 17. It was really hard on my mom because none of us kids really got along with him. I will tell you that time has helped. Us children have learned that even though our parents aren't together they still loved us, and we had to eventually accept that. If your husband can't get over it, I like everyone else, agree that counseling may be what you have to do. But I also feel that your husband is being childish. Divorce is very hard on children, and remarrying is even harder. I honestly feel that with the children being so young when it happened, even though they knew it was wrong, your husband should be accepting to be able to work things out. If he honestly loves you and your children, he would want things to get better.