Is There Such a Thing as a Good Step Father?

I can only speak from my own experience. I'm the product of my parents' marriage. But they were each married once previously. So I have half-siblings on both sides. My dad's two children stayed with their mother. I only saw them occasionally, when she allowed them to visit. My mom's son came along with her, and I grew up with him as MY BROTHER. Interestingly, my dad did not "adopt" my brother. My brother lived with us (and occasionally visited his father), and he kept his last name. No one ever questioned this. My brother was quite young at the time that my parents got married (and then made me), about your son's age actually. We were by no means the perfect family. But we did just fine. There was never any question that my dad was my brother's dad (we never said step-dad, ever). I don't recall there ever being any tension between the two. (My brother and my mom, on the other hand, had their moments!) My dad and my brother have always had a good relationship, and my father has treated my brother like his own and has been very proud of my brother along the way. (We are both grown, now -- my brother in his mid-30's, happily married and father to his own young boy).

I should note, too, that my brother did NOT have a good relationship with his "Bio-Dad" (that's what he calls him). And he still does not. He was able to go stay with his Bio-dad in the summer sometimes as a kid. But his visits to his Bio-dad got to be less and less frequent. And I think his Bio-dad just lost interest in him or something, and my brother stopped visiting him altogether. And I *KNOW* he was unhappy about it. I know he felt rejected by his Bio-Dad. I know he STILL feels some of that. But the fact that he had a loving and supportive FATHER at home was enough. I'm pretty sure my brother is not so emotionally scarred from his Bio-Dad's lack of interest that he's carrying around any significant emotional burden.

I think the thing you have to remember is that teenagers are crazy. Do you remember being a teen? I do. I do NOT look forward to going through that with my own! There's no predicting in advance how a child will behave in adolescence. I think all you can do is your very best as a parent while they grow up -- and hope that your best has been successful when they hit those crazy years.

I have to say that I was in a similar situation years ago. My son is now 10, and has had his step-father in his life for 6 years now. It is tough, as his real father still sees him every other weekend. His real father is no father of the year either :) He has a rough time listening to his step-father sometimes, but since he has been in his life for so long he is dealing with it.

My husband treats him as if he were his own. Disciplines him the same as he does our daughter. He takes him to sporting events and coaches his travel soccer team. I think the key to this relationship is my husband was introduced to my son at such a young age and my son has grown up with him. There will always be issues since the real father is still in his life, but he will get through it. It is harder for a child to have a new father figure introduced at an older age. It seems to be easier if the step-parent is introduced at a younger age.

I also had a step-father when I was growing up and I did not like to listen to him, even though my real father has never been in my life. But, as I got older, I realized how much my step-father did in providing for our family. It may take years for your son to realize that a step-parent can be a positive thing. Sad thing is I did not realize that until I was out of college, but eventually it will happen.

Just make sure that your son's 'step-father to be' is a positive role model for your son. And you need to make sure that your boyfriend now is fine with your ex being in the picture for your son's lifetime.

I'm sorry this is such a concern for you. Boys having a good relationship with dad (weather biological or step/foster/adopted) is very important.
There are great step fathers... the one thing step children (I am prime example here) have a really hard time with sometimes is feeling that a step parent is trying to replace the role of parent. As a kid and teen I hated my stepdad. When I became pregnant with my son I'm not sure why then but our relationship totally changed. We have a great relationship now. But my dad is still #1. I had both of them walk me down the aisle.
My husband also had a stepdad from about the time he was 13. He always calls him dad and is actually closer to him then his real father who didn't want much to do with him until he was 16 and they could talk about and work on cars together. I don't know if my husband or (Step)FIL could really explain how they developed such a great relationship they just did.
I think it all depends on the man himself and how he treats your son and make sure that stepdad still shows respect to the father for that role even if he is the primary care giver, etc.
Not sure if I gave you any advise but I hope I gave you some hope at least:) Good luck, I'll pray for you and your family.

L.,
Although we were adult age when my stepfather married our mother, I think it's definitely true that boys may have a harder time accepting a stepfather than girls do. I also think that the younger the boy, the faster the acceptance. That said, my brothers both had a very positive relationship with our stepdad after an adjustment period. So--yes--there IS such a thing as a positive boy/stepfather relationship!

Our father was no father of the year either. As we get older we DO see our parents as people, not just as our parents. Warts and all. Your son's relationship with his father will be what it will be. It can still be a loving relationship. Just wanted to offer you some encouragement.

sorry I am not a male, but I know our neighbors had three children. (all males) We found out a couple YEARS later the oldest son was not his. And we were fairly close to these neighbors - talking to them frequently, etc. The step father and boy got along so well - he even called him dad, etc. no one knew. So, yes I know it can happen. Also, my brother dated a girl for a short time that had a baby - we all commented that you couldn't tell the baby wasn't his - he toted her all around.

Hi, L.!
I know from your past posts that you are an awesome mom who cares very much for providing your son a good male role model and life. If your husband to be is a good man, that is what matters. You don't need to let your son feel he will be "replacing" his dad-there's really no need for potential rivalries and heartache and emphasizing titles, since he'll have BOTH a step dad and a dad. However, he's so young, that he will probably regard the man living with him and raising him as his dad over time. Let him choose how he looks at it. And let him know how lucky he is to have his real father still love him even though you guys have a new family now.
My husband's dad abandoned his twin brother and him at age 2, and at around age 5, Ray, their step dad came into play. They always called him Ray, not dad, but they've always regarded him as their dad. Still do. He took the role of house leader and the boys had to accept him. They always respected and loved him since he was good to them and their mom and they weren't older yet. You do need to choose the status quo and assert it so your son feels secure. Getting too sensitive to his confusion when he may not have any can lead to trouble. Let the man you choose have his traditional role in the home, and your son will be glad for the new dad-whatever he's called. Best wishes!

Hi, L.:

There are good people out in the world, male or female. You have to decide if they are good for you, let alone your child.

It is all about respecting each other in all things. Love will follow.

Don't worry, everything is as it should be.

Good luck. D.

While i can not speak to the stepfather issue first hand I do have some advice. I am a stepmother and one of things I learned from my friends who are stepmothers/stepfathers is this... do not try to be their Mom (or in your boyfriends case Dad). Once I really understood what that meant, it has been a much better situation. Your boyfriend and your son need to develop a friendship that will grow over time. If there are situations where your son needs to be disciplined that should be your job. Allow them to spend guy time together. As time goes on they will grow closer and at least your son will have a deep respect and love for your boyfriend. Two of my closest friends are stepfathers and that is how they developed close realtionships with their stepsons. I am happy to say that both boys "love" their stepdads and can't imagine life without them. I have a great realtionship with my stepchildren and I believe it is because we established a friendship first. I have often told them "i am not your mom but I love you as I do my own children and would do anything for you". Reaffirming the relationship and it's value helps as well. Their is light at the end of the tunnel. Also their are great books out their that discuss Stepchild/Stepparent relationships. I have read them and they really help. Good luck.