How to Deal with a Neighbor's Child Who Isn't Always Welcome

Hi K.,
I don't have any adivce. I feel sorry for the situation and sorry for the kid. He is obvioulsy clinging to things which are good. He wants to be loved and wants so badly to belong somewhere. I hope it all works out.

I feel for you. I don't have a clue what to tell you, but I completely understand how you feel. Kids are easy, the parents are a completely different story....

You are certainly entitled to be overwhelmed and send him off to the next potential *nice person* - and thereby adding yourself to what will undoubtedly become a long list of people who become overwhelmed and ship him off (his mom already has and he's still a baby at 6!!!!)... or *not* :D
You have the opportunity to show this kid what his mother cannot - a basic human right to love, acceptance and guidance. You will be on the short list of people who could see beyond his lack of social skills for the sweet, whole human being inside of him.
As someone who's mother was all to happy to dump her onto anyone interested, I am eternally grateful for the folks who were overwhelmed and loved me anyway (for many years, I used to drink a gallon of milk a day at my friend's house after school; I once heard the parents discussing it and the mom said, "It's a small price to pay for her to have one place where she's safe and fed!" and that's exactly what they were for me!).
If you've got the gumption to do even the tiniest bit for this fellow human being (who may grow up to be in your daughter's dating pool, I might add) please, please, please do so. When you do send him away, do so with kindness and wishes for his return visit soon. You could be the only light shining in his life. He is worthy.

Bless you for sharing your feelings, that took courage! You seem to have a good perspective and, you are right... You need to talk to the mother, but first I would talk to the child, share with him your rules/guidelines for play time. Make a list, 1. He has to have his mother call first, or he has to call first and check with you. 2. When he play's with your kids he is not allowed to use innapropriate language. 3. your kids wear helmets and do not play on the street. 4. Staying for food is allowed only if your mother says you can etc. I have found that just sharing the rules of my house with my neighborhood kids when they are over to play has given them the discipline they all need. If they do not like our rules, they often opt out of playing at our house, and that is just fine. Good luck, be strong.

I think in the case of this little boy, the kindest thing you can do is to be honest. Explain to him the hours he CAN play with your children but ONLY if...
1. He doesn't swear
2. He wears his helmet when using the bicyle
3. Any other rules that you realized he has to have, because of this behaviour.
4. He is to share and not allowed to be mean.

If he abides by them, he is allowed to stay, any rules broken, he has to leave immediately.

Then set some rules with him and his mother as to when he can and cannot be at your house. For example, if he wants to play, he has to ask, like the other kids. His mom needs to be aware that she nees to ask before dropping off her child. Obviously the mom is not aware of what the rules should be for her child. Maybe you can talk to her about these issues as well.

I think this is the kindest thing to do, because then he understands why he is being "shunned" and he has the opportunity to improve his behaviour for his and everyone else's benefit which is the best outcome for everybody.

I was ostracized by all of the girls when I was a kid, I felt as if everybody hated me. It was miserable even at school. If someone had told me rules like I'm telling you above, I would have been happy to comply in exchange for being able to play with the neighbor kids. However, no one would tell me what the rules are, and my mother didn't get along well with the neighbors either, and was an "absent mentally" mom, such as what looks like your new neighbor is.

I pray for the boy's sake and for yours as well, for a speedy and peaceful resolution.

Hi K.,
I have to agree with some of the others...I would sit down with the little boy and go over your rules. "Your house, your rules". And just tell him if he wants to play at your house or in front of it then he has to follow the rules or he can't play there. It sounds like he needs your guidance because clearly he's not getting it at home. Good luck!

I don't think if you talk with his mom will end up in any positive results. It looks like you have two choices here: you can tell the child that he can't come in your house anymore (at all) and hurt his feelings and it looks like he is a very lonely child or you can "adopt" him and deal with him. If you decide to "adopt" him first tell him that he is welcome in your house but he needs to follow your house rules and introduce him to the rules. Don't forget to tell him if he brakes the rules he will have to leave and be really consistent about it. Soon he will learn that he has to follow your rules or he can't play with your kids. You can also use the opportunity to teach your kids to deal with different people in different situations. In life we can't always chose with who to "play". I did introduce my son to "our house - our rules, someone else house - theirs rules" long time ago and it is working great. When we have other kids at home he is very proud to introduce them to "our rules" and the kids are responding very well. I'm in a baby-sitting coop (17 families), so we get lots of kids in our house and he goes to other houses a lot. Implying that rule saved me from lots of explanations like why he has to take off his shoes in our house and wash his hands but not in other's houses, why he has to sit on the table in our house even for snack but he can eat snack on the floor in bedrooms in other's houses. Well, he can jump on one of our beds but this is a "no,no" rule in other houses. He is very good about asking if he can do this or that when he is somewhere else and the other parents are very pleased with that. Good luck with your decision!

We had a similar problem last summer. I never really had a good chance to talk to this boys parents, so I took matters up with the little boy (he was 6). Quite often he was left with his teenage brother or sister and they let him run (although his parents weren't much better)

I tried to set clear rules and boundaries and if he wanted to play he had to follow the rules. He was expected to pick up the out side toys he played with, ect.... To my surprise he responded quite well and in no time was one of the gang. He moved away after school started.

E.

Hi K., At the risk of not being much help at all, you pretty much answered your own question.

The child is obviously lonely and probably wants to be around situations and people who care about kids, even when they aren't their own. He seems to want friends, and to be friends, he just doesn't seem to know how to go about it, as he's probably been left to his own devices, probably since he's been able to walk.

Like you said, be as nice as you can with him--let him learn by example, by the way the other kids behave, and by the way you are with them. He'll learn he gets better reaction with better behavior. Also, if the children keep rejectng him, he'll hopefully learn that he'll catch more bees with honey than with vinegar, so to speak. He'll want to act better so they'll want to be his friends. If it was me, and if he was swearing at the children, I'd take him aside, and calmly but firmly explain to him that using language like that is no way to speak to people you want as your friends, and that he needs to treat everyone how he wants them to treat him, ask him if he wants them to treat him that way.

If he's being violent, tell him he's not welcome because of it, and that if he stops, then he's welcome to come and try and play with everyone.

Also, it might not hurt to at least try and talk with the mother. Approach it from a concerned perspective. Tell her that her son makes bad choices around the other children, and that they'd welcome him to play with them, but his bad choices make them afraid for him, and for themselves that they'll get into trouble, and tat's not how they are. Tell her you're concerned for his loneliness, and that you'd love for him to come over and play when he makes better choices and when he wants to be friends with the children. Also, definately mention you can't be a drop in sitter, especially for someone whom you don't know well, and haven't made advance plans with.

All you can do then is to hope this sinks in with her and that she helps him to interact better with everyone. At worst, it'll make her angry, and maybe she'll keep him away.

I feel sorry for the boy, and I feel bad for everyone involved for their frustration.

I hope it all works out, and everyone can be friends.

K. W

I have been in a similar situation and it was not fun, until I sat the neighbor kid down and told him what the rules were in my house and when he played with my kid and that these rules needed to be followed, or he needed to find somewhere else to play. This might sound harsh, but it can be done nicely. The same thing probably has to be done with the parent, which is hard, but at least your side of the story is laid out.

I wish you all the best,
Sarah

K.,

You are right, you need to talk to this roamer's mother. I would sit down with her and explain that while neighbor A is allowed over randomly, her son is not. Explain also that you are concerned that he is playing in the street, riding his bike without a helmet, etc. That because of the minimal supervision you are not comfortable with him near your house. I would also mention the lying, the disrespect, and the just inviting himself over problems as well. The trick though is trying to say all that and not make the mother totally defensive and feel like her son is being targeted.

I think this little boy is extremely lonely and desperate for friends. You might want to set some parameters with him. Say that he can only come over on X day for X minutes. If he lies, or bully's or does other things that you do not approve of he will have to go home. His mother may not have the boundaries that he needs, but maybe you can set some to help this lonely lost child.

Best of Luck to you.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Yikers. This IS a tough one. I sometimes teach a Sunday School class that has a 5-year-old with poor behavior (the class is for ages 5 and younger). After being a little shellshocked for a couple Sundays, I began to enforce immediate timeouts after the child was warned, "We don't do X here, sweetheart. Do it again and you'll need a timeout." It took two or three Sundays, but my, how his behavior has improved. In fact, just today on the library playground I stuck him in a timeout after he ran down a slide a second time (his mother was still indoors -- I had told her that her kids could come out with mine -- if she was present, it would have been her deal to handle it). After the timeout, he became a much more pleasant little boy.

Immediate consequences, given in love, keep everyone safe and don't give the other kids the idea that the bad behavior is OK. Hopefully this neighbor boy of yours will actually listen when you try to do a timeout -- but if not, then he can go home. I agree with the other moms who say that it's a great idea to love this little boy as much as possible. And loving him includes helping him learn what is (and is not) acceptable/safe behavior.

I have not had this situation, (I am an in-home childcare provider, so I suppose that is a deterrent...) but we had neighbors like this when I was growing up. My mother was very gracious and understood that she was providing a healthy "home life" for this child who desperately needed it. We learned how to deal with difficult people and that, in spite of the fact that other children were accustomed to different rules, we had one set of rules in our house and EVERYBODY had to follow them if they wanted to stay around... and they all did want to stay around. My parents are considered by many to be a second set of parents. They have kept many a child from going off the deep end.
I know this is a tremendous undertaking, and not everyone is able to do this. Another option might be to mention to the mother of your frequently-visiting neighbor what your rates are for babysitting. She might rethink allowing him to head over continually. ;) Blessings to you and yours!
-L.

I have dealt with this problem when my children were younger more than once. Basically I had very clear rules and sent several children home when they were telling inappropriate stories or language. I would cut them off and tell them that wasn't appropriate and would need to stop right now.
I'd tell them when they needed to leave and when their parents decided I was the neighborhood babysitter, I'd tell them to go home and tell their parents that didn't work for me. If the parent didn't attempt to contact me or meet me I didn't go out of my way to meet them. They more times than not were not someone I wanted a friendship with.
I would have to hang out and supervise the play times when those children would be here and my children were not allowed to play at their home since it was unsupervised. After a while the children would loss interest in our home and my limits with them. They were often allowed to go to the park by themselves.
Yes it was a lot more work having them over. I didn't feel I could change the situations by confronting the parents about their lifestyle. I had to work to preserve our lifestyle. The children that came over learned that if they "attacked" us as we got out of a car to play they had to come back later after we unloaded and regrouped and if they came over later and we were not available they had to leave. It is hard with outside play time in the front yard. I sometimes would just send them home because there were too many children here and I have a limit of how many I can watch.
Hang in there, you can't control who your neighbors are and their parenting style just hold on to your values.

Reading all of these ideas, I think many of the moms are right on-- some sort of introduction to his parents (he may have a SAHD) is necessary. Introducing yourself is important-- it lets them know you exist and are an actual person with actual needs. My suggestion, though, would be to go over alone-- unless you and your friend are offering pie, then the "welcome wagon" approach wouldn't feel daunting for her. There may be a disability or mental health issue at play, and feeling ganged up on would only make things worse all around.
Be willing to give the benefit of the doubt that this is a first-time parent with bad boundaries who needs some guidance.

Then, by all means, put your desires forward, to both the parents and the child. Let the parents know that your family prefers scheduled playdates (don't go into the fact that the neighbors kids are over...if she's not around to see it, then how will she know what's going on), and because of the nature of the play, that those playdates be outside. With the child, make your expectations very clear. "This block/street (yes, the whole block or street) is a no-hitting, no swearing, no name-calling, no fibs zone. You must wear a helmet when you have wheels. These are the rules." People who hit, swear, lie or call names have to go home, period. Then keep the same rules for all of the kids who play. Let your friend know what's going on, and I'm sure she'll back you up on this.

Empower your children to speak out. "I don't want to play with you when you boss me. YOU need to go home." may get the message across.

Above all, NEVER let the children play together unsupervised.

This family may be around for a while, and it's best that you set a precedent for how this child can be included. Make sure that you get the little boy's home phone number. Something that's worked well for me in the past is insisting to talk to a parent before agreeing to a request to play. It's too easy for kids to pick up the phone and make their own social arrangements. You could also ask his parents to walk him over to your home, and you could walk him back when you were done. (Thus, not relying on them to come pick up in a timely manner, or if you need to cut the time short.) Make sure the parents will be home.

My best wishes to you in this particularly sticky situation. (Ah...if wouldn't it be great if we all had big backyards!)

I definitely see how this is a problem for you. I agree with your assumption that the child's mother probably won't do anything toward finding a solution, but if you haven't even met her yet, it certainly is time.

I suggest you have a very casual chat with her, tell her that while you and the neighbors are pretty casual about letting everyone play in each other's yards, you also ask that she check in with you personally (versus letting her son tell you she said it's ok) when her son is there. Get her phone number and tell her you'll call her if her son comes over, if you haven't heard from her. And also tell her that when her son (and any other neighbor children) are playing at your house, you your family's rules apply to everyone, including considerate behavior and going home when you say it's time.

Even if she doesn't communicate these guidelines to her son, you can still enforce them, including sending him home if he swears or is inconsiderate, and telling him upfront what the time limit is on staying. If he wants to continue playing with your son and the other children, then he has to shape up -- or else he'll get sick of your boundary-setting and he'll stop hanging around.

"it takes a village" means not only being nice to other children but also the village has to be on the same page and teach behavior that is acceptable to the whole village.

You have gotten some great responses. You have the opportunity to be a very positive role in a childs life, and you are right in that it takes a village to raise a child. It will be difficult, as it is with our own, but if he really wants to play with the nice kids then he is going to have to follow their rules. I am doing something similar at our family cabin. We have a park set up in our yard that my cousins kids and the neighbbors kids get to use all of the time, my daughter is 2 1/2 and is only there some weekends. The other kids are all older (4-9yrs). The neighbor kids were bossing me telling me to push them on the swing and they have a friend that is more unruly, but I told them that if they want me to push them they need to say please and thank you and the other rules I expect of my daughter, and how I want people to act around her. The next weekend we were there, they were different kids and very fun to play with. Hopefully it rubs off on how they behave with other people. Good luck with making a new friend and becoming one of the greatest people in this childs life!

Wow, what a tough situation. It could also be a great opportunity to teach your children some hands on compassion and how to deal positively with people who make us uncomfortable (the opposite would be inadvertently teaching your kids that his kind are beneath them). If you were to take some cookies to his home, you might use some roundabout love and logic to tell the parents your primary concerns, such as "we let our kids play outside in the driveway, but not in the street... we let them ride bikes and scooters when they wear helmets; we got our helmets at ______; are you aware of the local ordinance about helmets?" and "when my kids are ready for some down time inside I'll go ahead and send him home." With your kids you could teach them to use the same patterns for getting their needs across without being mean. This poor kid isn't learning the social graces at home; what a boon to society (now and when he's older) if he could learn from your family. You could teach your kids to say, or say yourself "it's no fun to be bossed around, I like to play with nice kids"; "I like to play with people who don't use bad words, or "we don't use those words". Just some thoughts... good luck!

You've gotten some great advice and support on this topic, K.. You find yourself in a situation that requires some heroism, and it sounds as though you are struggling to rise to the occasion.

Here are some thoughts that occur to me. Do talk to the boy's mom. Welcome her to the neighborhood. Smile sincerely (even if it's not too sincere - you'll break down some resistance that way).

Don't expect too much, because people simply don't change much. And she may have had very poor parenting herself, so may not even realize there's a problem. Or she may have health or emotional problems that compound the situation for you all. But you can reasonably request several things:

State simply that you don't see yourself as a free babysitter, and that sometimes you feel that way with "neighborhood children." So you are setting new limits for yourself, and you hope she (and all those other moms) will check with you before she sends her son over. (Use a cheerful tone of voice, and keep smiling.)

Tell her that "of course" you expect all kids to follow your house rules when they play at your house, and that you reserve the right to correct misbehavior. AND that you will send kids home who will not comply. (Keep smiling.)

Tell her that "of course" you will call her or talk to her if you have any problems with her son, and invite the same feedback from her.

Ask her if she has any concerns, questions, or needs that she'd like to communicate to you, and rephrase them carefully to show her you've heard. Invite her to call you if concerns arise.

Not all of these points have to happen in the first talk. It might be best to go with the flow of any meeting and establish a friendly mood, first and foremost. But do try to get this out before she settles too comforably into her own set of expectations about how relaxed things are with the neighbors.

One last tip that I find amazingly effective: the word AND is magical. You can agree with another person AND state your needs simply and clearly, and without resentment. For example: "I hear that you'd like to leave your son with me for an hour, AND I had other plans, so, no." "I understand your boy does not expect to use a helmet, AND I don't want my son exposed to that risky behavior." "I notice that your son habitually uses some pretty rough language, AND I'd rather my son not pick up those language habits, so I will ask him to go home when I hear that."

Or to the boy, "I see that you hoped to play with my son today, AND he would rather not – maybe you can ask us later." "I hear that you are used to using that language, AND if you do, I will ask you to go home." "I understand it's fun for you to be the boss, AND I notice that it's not fun for the other kids. So please don't do that if want to play with my son." (Teach your son to communicate this way, too, so he can set his own limits without making up excuses.)

You might notice that in addition to AND, you also need offer no wishy-washy explanations. This puts you in a very clear, powerful, polite and calm position. It's relatively hard for other people to be offended by this approach.

Good luck. I had a pair of neighbor children like this several years ago, very needy, very hungry for love and for limits. I hope I did them some good. (And I was incredibly relieved when they moved away.)

I haven't read the other responses yet so hopefully I won't be too repetitive. So..

A 6 year old will understand the concept of rules and consequences at least from school. Take him aside by himself and let him know what the rules are in your house and that he needs to follow them when he is there or else he will have to go home. (Maybe get permission from his mom for time-outs if you think that would be helpful)

Add that he must ask to come over first. Really be descriptive of what you want. ____, you must ring the door bell and say, "May I play here for a little while?"

No, it should not be your job to parent this child but he may just need some direction from someone. You may be one of the few people concerned for this child's well-being and could have a major influence in so many ways that you will never know.

Ulitmately, you control your environment so if he isn't willing to follow your rules, he won't be allowed in your space.

Good luck with the mommy chat!

Talking to mom is probably something you should do, but who even knows how that would go. I'm the queen of non-confrontation, so I fear that sort of thing.
It's possible that if you set REALLY clear boundaries and expectations for his behavior when playing at your house his behavior will improve. Something like, "It might be ok for you to behave this way at your house, but at our house we do not boss, use foul language, etc. If you cannot follow our rules when you play at our house then you may not visit anymore." Then if he messes up send him home. He'll either learn or get the message and not come back.
We had a similar situation with a girl from the apts near our house. She is older than my son, and would just come over and boss him around and began showing up with greater and greater frequency. Staying for more meals, etc. It was sad really.... when we spoke to mom she didn't seem to really care how much the girl was gone or what she was doing, but I have 2 kids and can't take on another especially when the other is not nice to my kids.
Anyway, bummer of a situation. For everybody. I hope this helps.

One thing I used to do in these situations was tell the problem child "these are the rules of our family" making it seem sort of neutral. Our family rule is not to grab toys. Our family rule is not to hit. Our family rule is that we have play dates. So if you just come over we may not be able to have you stay. Really cover all the possible things, language, behavior, etc. You could sit down with him, give him a popsicle and just go over these things. And tell him that when the family rules are broken, here are the consequences. You will not be able to play unless these rules are followed. You might want to co-ordinate with the other parents, so you are on the same page. Then you can go meet the mom with more confidence and if she is defensive and resentful, you can just tell her how it works in the neighborhood, and invite her to teach her son how to get along. Good luck, and I want to say that moms like you are such an asset to any neighborhood.

Hello,
This is tough. It sounds to me like the parents of this child aren't doing their job. I would start by setting the rules with this kid. If he's going to play with your child or the other children then he can't be using bad lanuage, he can't be bossy, he has to be respectful and follow the rules otherwise he goes home. I would also keep the playtime short and supervised and not all that often maybe. As for allowing the other children and not this one, I support that. I would just say to him they are allowed to play because they follow the rules. They aren't acting the way you do.
We have a similar problem where we live now and we have had this problem in our last home too. The sad thing is, it itsn't the child, it's the parents. Obviously this child is allowed to get away with these things at home or at least to some extent. I wish you the best of luck with this situation. I will also be praying for the situation and for the children involved. Good luck! J.

I would go the the other neighbor who is having trouble and see if you can go together to invite the other mother over for coffee. I wouldn't just go to her house and start in on the child. Try to keep it casual with all of you together. Know what needs to be said, so you can be direct, but be patient and kind. Is the mother of the difficult child a single mom? Maybe she is overwhelmed, or simply does not know that he son is acting in an aggressive/bossy way? I would get to know her, and then let her know what your rules are, and what you expect of any child that plays with your children, because you are concerned with bad influences, ect...

I know this will be difficult, but talking with her will be better in the end then just stewing all summer over the child's bad behavior.

Lots of great advice, but I agree with the cookies and welcoming your neighbor to the neighborhood.. It would be horrible to not at least start off by trying to welcome them to the neighborhood, be friendly and at least attempt to have good communication between the two of you. They live next to you, they're not going anywhere probably for awhile so if you didn't at least try and make an effort to extend yourself and welcome the parents to the neighborhood you may be setting your self up for lots of misery every time you see them as you pull out of your house, get mail, etc... If it doesn't work, at least you tried!

Good Luck!

K.,

I have had times when a child wanted to make lots of plans with my daughter and the mom never had time to set anything up for whatever reason although I think it has something to do with being responisble for where your child is and how long the determined time is that he stay and to make sure they leave.

My recommendation is that when he askes to play tell him that his mother needs to call you even if he presists tell him you will not have him over unless his mother talks to you and sets up a time.

I would tell the mother that your children are available this and that time today only and then they have plans and ask if someone will be walking him home. I don't care if when they are done with the boy his schedule includes that they are playing with other kids or not because you and your children are deciding a schedule together, such as; when, where, and who with you will do things. That's what families do. Being a good example is always nice. Take the higher road, eh. Which brings me to the next part....

It sounds like the child is hard for you to deal with and for the kids as well. Maybe this is one of those things that you could work on about loving your neighbor as yourself type of situation, huh. There is always going to be someone that wants attention/different energy, in a group and maybe setting the time aside to work with your kids about this would be a valuable lesson for your family especially since it's your neighbors. Sometimes I think situations present themselves because there is a need for a person to learn something more about themselves and grow.

Maybe you could spend a half hour with you neighbor and then when he leaves your family can go inside and talk about how it went. This way you can work with your kids on how to deal with situations that arise in their lives. Don't dwell on this kids and certainly don't make it seem as though he is the BAD kid on the block. Really, this type of situation will be talked about again and again by parents all over American playgrounds and neighborhoods alike until summer is over, but if we as parents get upset with other families it just sends the message that being rude is more powerful. Hold on to your family values and fight for what is right without taking in the wrong or even giving wrong one second of truth.

If all else fails with trying to be reasonable with this family, be honest and say my kids just don't have the time to play with your child or tell the child, I'm sorry we don't have the time. It's the truth because by this time you are exausted and simply can't spend the time on a family that is not willing to at least stick to a schedule or the rules your family has put in place. One example may be: you can't ride bikes with my kids unless you have a helmet on because I have agreed to keep an eye on you from this time to that time. Call his mother and say you have sent him home because you have rules about helmets and watching kids and it's not working out with her son.

What I am getting at is the parents are responsible for this little boy, so don't assume he's a bad kid. Really, leave the parenting up to his parents if you have an issue don't attack the boy. You have your family values and rules that are being challenged,so hold stead fast to your sense of right!

Have a nice day today and the rest of the summer...
G.

PS-One more thought on the matter.....
Just thinking, but have you considered asking the parents what the boy is interested in or getting to know the boy yourselves and find out if there is anything that he is interested in or does well that meets your level of family values. Maybe he will not ride bikes with your family (or his helmet is somewhere in the moving stuff), but perhaps there is something that he does that your family can approve of (rule wise). This would make your experience and his much happier. Just a thought...

Can you please move into my neighborhood? You sound like you'd be a great neighbor!

I think you've done, are doing, and plan to do absolutely everything that you can reasonably be expected to do . . . even going above and beyond. I hope you're happily surprised by the conversation you have with this kid's mother. Maybe she's just overwhelmed and a little clueless and a nice neighborly chat will be enough to put her on the right path. (And maybe if you take over a dozen cookies, that'll put her in a receptive frame of mind!)

K. -

Sorry I didn't take the time to read all the other responses. My first thought reading your post was empathy for your situation. I have kids over quite often, too, and we run a more strict household than they are used to.
My advice would be to always remember that this child has had to adapt to his situation, which is one of neglect. He has become needy and bossy because he's watching out for #1 (himself). He is starving for attention. You can make a huge difference in this child's life by being a good parent to him when he is over. That means you are kind, yet enforce the existing rules you have for your children and their friends.
Go over to the mother and introduce yourself. Tell her that she (or her son) is welcome to ask to play. If it works out for you that he comes over, then the mother must know that her son is expected to obey your rules when he is under your supervision, or else he'll have to go back home.
If this 6 year old responds the way the 5 year old I sometimes watch did, by the end of summer he'll be obeying your rules and playing nicely with the other kids, and they will even enjoy his company.
Kids need boundaries, and he will learn quickly from kind and firm authority. I know it seems like a pain now, but this isn't the child's fault - he shouldn't be sentenced to being a brat because his parents aren't teaching him better!
Best wishes,
J.

I agree with earlier advice - take the child aside and explain the rules of your house, the rules for playing with your children.
While this child is not your direct responsibility, ultimately we are all in some way responsible for each other. You noted that the child seems lonely (and I would suggest he is somewhat neglected) Perhaps this is a good opportunity to teach your children about being patient and kind and imagine what a good influence they might have on him. If he is not violent or hurtful in some other way perhaps he could be given a chance. YOu might all make a big difference in this little boys life.
Good luck!

You are not obligated to watch or feed that child but you should treat him like you would want someone to treat your child. It is not his fault that his mom allows him to do certain things. If he come over when you get home tell him it is not a good time and tell him you will let him know when it is. When your child is playing with your child let him know the rules and give him a few warnings if he does not obey tell him it is time for him to go. You can use this as a learning experience for your child. Good Luck!!!

K.,
I would write the mom a note and talk to the child, say we have rules you must follow these rules or you must go home, tell him he has a week to ponder these rules and decide if he still wants to play, make a list, respect, nice language, taking turns, asking to come play or wait to be asked, etc. you get my drift.
then in a week if you have a afternoon off call and invite him to play, or walk there, then maybe you can meet the mom and discuss why you need rules and why rules are in place (safety, manners, etc.) it is very hard to do, but if the mom is offended then so be it, this is YOUR HOME YOUR KIDS you are not on this earth to raise her kid.

It would be a great idea to talk to his mom. Expect that she is an empty, needy person too!
This is where boundaries need to be set up. His mom needs to know what your expectations and needs are. It's ok for this boy to come over but with invitations, please!
Maybe help out this mom with some ideas on how her son is not safe and in our state there are laws about helmets.
I would do everything I could to give this little boy some ideas about what you expect when he is over. If it's to much and your child is not up for the challenge, ask him to not come over...

Wow, what a dilemma. I can't imagine. I wish I had some really great advice. Perhaps a letter would be a good start. You could get your point across without confronting her and risk making her feel the need to be defensive. In my opinion, a parent who lets their child run wild with no rules/consequences or boundaries probably just doesn't "get it" and will most likely be defensive no matter what you do. Anyway, maybe next time the boy comes over, you can send him home with a plate of cookies and a note explaining your rules~neighbors aren't allowed over without calling first and that you have strict rules regarding company, especially during dinner time. Make yourself be the "heavy." I wouldn't go into the fact that her son doesn't wear a helmet, blah,blah. Don't point fingers. Just let her know your rules and that you expect every neighborhood kid to abide by them. Maybe that will get your point across without making her feel defensive. If other neighbors do the same, maybe she will "get it." I feel for that child.

The first thing that I think of, is this little boy is looking for attention anywhere he can get it. You even said he's a very lonely child and clearly has not had many boundaries set at home. You cannot fault the child for the parents' shortcomings.

I think you should meet his parents, but because they are your neighbors, not because their kid annoys you. Maybe mention some of the things that you and other parents on the street do to help each other out as far as watching/supervising the kids' play, but I don't think you'll get anywhere telling this child's parents that their kid isn't playing nice. They aren't concerned enough to know or care at this point and you telling them will not change them; it will make them angry and unwelcome in their neighborhood (because it is their neighborhood too).

If this child is in your home, yes, he needs to abide by your rules. If he can't do that, he has to go home.

If the kids are all playing outside and have a disagreement or decide they don't like the way this child is acting toward them, let the kids hash it out. They need to learn how to assert themselves and communicate their problems. You don't do your child any favors by swooping in to send home the mean kid every time he does something disagreeable. Talk to your children about how to communicate to him.

As far as bombarding you when you arrive home or lurking outside your house, tell him that you've just gotten home and right now you need to have some family time. Your child will be out to play later, or not. We've had the issue where we've told the neighbor kids this and they just stand there like, OK, I'll just wait. Sometimes you have to just gently close the door in their face.

So, I guess the bottom line for me is, yes, meet the parents but don't make your intro "there's a problem with your kid." If the kid's behavior is directly affecting you (in your home) deal with him and give him the opportunity to learn and grow. If the kid's behavior is affecting your kid (playing kid games/outside the home) let your child learn to deal with it. It's a lot more likely to get the message across to the "mean" kid if he hears it from a peer rather than an authority figure.

WOW!!

I think you need to talk to the other mom's in the neighborhood and all get together to speak to the parents of this child. I think if you do this alone that it won't have as much inpact and you will have the support of your neighbors. It's so frusturating that some parents let their children just roam free and expect other parents to supervise their child. I can't count how many times I've been outside watching my own children while other children were out playing without any adult supervision. My children are not aloud to go over to other children homes us I or my husband have met the parents.

Again, I think you need to get the support of your neighbors and have an group meeting with the parents and hold nothing back regarding your concerns and expectations.

I hope this helps and good luck:)!!

I have great concerns about what his home life is like considering his Mother's obvious lack of concern for her child's well being and safety. Like you and the other Mother you mentioned, I would NEVER let my child run around the neighborhood in such a manner, nor would he be allowed in the street with no helmet, etc.
Maybe the two of you could go and introduce yourselves and let her know that you typically set up play dates at this age and that both of you are uncomfortable with all of these "POP-IN" visits. While you are there you could mention that his lack of respect for others is a concern, as well. You will most likely offend her and maybe the child will be told to stay away, which is sad for him, yes, but solves the problem. On the other hand, maybe she'll step up to the plate and encourage her child to be more respectful and see that he has some appropriate rules put into place. Stopping by his house may also alert you to some inappropriate living situations that could require and anonymous call to child services, who knows.

Whatever you decide to do, I understand where you are coming from as I have similar concerns about a neighbor boy. I have twice told him he may not come back for a month unless his behavior improved. Upon his next visit, I go over my gound rules AGAIN. If he does come over I only allow for about 20/30 minutes of play. I also make it very clear to my sons that his rules or lack of go against our rules and that they should set an example for him. They now are quick to let him know his bossy behavior won't be tollerated. (My boys are 7 & 8 though) Good Luck.

Hi K. ~

I'm sure you have received tons of advice by now, but I think the first step is to meet the mom. Be kind and welcoming (I am sure you usually are!)and let her know you are glad that there are more kids in the neighborhood. Let her know that you and the other parents have sort of informal agreements about with the kids playing together and hit her with a few of the more important things and see if she buys in and is open to fitting in a bit. If so, chat with the other moms about including this boy once in awhile and letting him know the rules (eg no swearing, etc.) If he wants to play badly enough, he'll follow the rules. If his mom wants him to socialize badly enough, she'll enforce the rules. If all else fails, honesty might work. "Joey, I think it's great that you want to play with my kids. However, we have rules that you have to stick to when we play together at my house. We don't swear or say bad words. If anyone does, play date's over and we try again another day". Good luck ~

L.

K.,

The child is old enough for some rules, and to understand how to follow such. I would meet with the Mom and ask her permission to have her son follow your rules when he is over at your home...let it be guidance for your child to know more consequences and such. Let the child know that if he is over, he follows your rules...or goes home. I would keep sending him home if he does not follow rules.

You may also want to try and get a block party together so the neighbors can meet the new family in a controlled environment.

good luck!!!

T.

Wow! You have gotten so many replies and I hope they help. We are/were in a very similar situtation and I can totally understand where you are coming from. I posted this question in Feb and got some really good responses and I just wanted you to be able to see them too: http://www.mamasource.com/request/7126624391483359233

Eventually, I just mentioned to the Mom in passing that we thought the older girl was too old to play with our 3 year daughter and that her younger daughter was a perfect age range to come over and play any time she (the Mom) asked us. I also told her that kids that I dont know the parents of were only welcome if I was able to meet thier parents first.

It really seems to have helped - we still have a good relationship with them and chat, plus have playdates every now and then - no longer prisoners in our home.

I would go and talk to the kids parents and set limits with them if you feel comfortable.

I have one of those neighbor kids...It sounds like you have a good handle on what needs to be done. Speak with his mother and while he is in your home or around you kid outside insist that he follows your rules or goes home. I've told our neighbor kid many times "I'm sorry if you cannot follow my rules in my house you need to go home". I've even sent him home while other kids were over. It does take a lot of energy and supervision though.

Unfortunately, since our current problems with this kid have escalated to some very inappropriate behavior (throwing rocks, sticks, and pinecones when frustrated - happened about 4 times) we are no longer allowing him in the house and I have my kids letting me know the second things are elevating and I go get his mother. (I work at home so I'm always here) He was 5 when we first met and now he is 8. Things have improved and his parents are 'cracking down' on rules and punishments (we haven't had a throwing incident in a month or so), but there is still improvement to be made.

You answered it yourself, sister. Talk to the mother. My guess is she thinks it's a given that neighbors will watch her kid. Many people really are completely clueless about other people's comfort levels.

Ok first of all, I would suggest sitting down with the lil boy and explaining to him that if he is to come over to your house he has to respect your rules. There is no bad language, No lying and hitting. If he cannot respect your wishes then tell him Im sorry but you cannot come over until you are ready to follow my rules. This is your house, your child, You have every right to expect that any child coming into your house act respectfully.

Secondly I would go over and speak to the mom. Let her know that her sons behaviour is not acceptable at your house. Let her know that she needs to check with other moms before she assumes that you are just going to take care of him. He is not your child and it is not your responsibility. Even if she doesnt listen you have made it plain what you will and will not tolerate. If nothing comes of this and she still allows it to happen, then I would call cps and report Child Neglect

Oh my word, K., I thought I hated my neighbor kid(s) situation but this is hard! I feel for you and know what you're going through. We have two little neighbor girls who are nice but very pushy as far as wanting to know everything that is going on in our life. As soon as we pull up from the store or an outing or whatever, there they are wanting to know where we've been and what we bought. Not only that, they want to come over and play. I just want some privacy and my kids to have some time to have their own time too. I am very annoyed many times and don't feel I can say anything to their Mother because of this cultural thing that I am way too familiar with and will not cross again. I have tried and it does not work. My husband and I are looking for a bigger house to buy and will stick it out until then. But even then, you never know what kind of neighbors you will get! I have no advice other than telling the child honestly that your child does not enjoy playing with him and that you don't want him coming around anymore. Just be honest. Tell him there are probably other friends that he could make. Tell him you don't want your kids hearing his language. I don't think he will tell his Mom and even if he does she probably won't care. My philosophy in this life is to be straightforward with people, even this child. Being honest is the best way to be, maybe he will think about it and change his behavior. God bless you with this and I will pray about this situation for you.

K., you have lots of great responses here!

There are a few approaches, but the ones that would and have worked for me are:

Posting a list of house rules by the door (outside!) Let the child know it is there, and that he will be expected to abide by them if he plays with your children, either in your home or at your yard.

Being firm on when your children are available to play. I have many times had to be the one to say, "It's our quiet time now, you will need to go home." There are kids in our neighborhood who know when it's dinnertime, it would be rude to stay and therefore quietly excuse themselves...there are others who need to be told to go home because they have not learned that social grace yet. I got tired of resenting them, and I just got straightforward..."It's dinnertime, you will need to go home, and we will see you tomorrow."

As far as enjoying this child at all, it sounds like neither you or your son does. In that case, you can avoid him (not fun) or set boundaries (i.e. Thursdays is your day to play together). It does sound like he is quite needy and starved for attention, however, and you might make a positive impact on him.

It takes some practice, but NEVER be afraid to set the boundaries for your children. You are the parent and it is your job to raise wonderful children, protect them, and guide them. We had an issue with a darling girl in our neighborhood whom my stepdaughter would go to visit...it turns out her mom was taking them on outings to the mall etc. - driving around for a few hours without our knowledge! They once went on a day trip to the mountains which was with our permission, and we later found out my stepdaughter was a "5th wheel" and had no proper seatbelt, just sat on someone's lap due to the number of other friends who were invited along. (Even later we found out her mom was on drugs, which made her whacked out and woozy, but remained driving kids everywhere - she ended up in rehab. So not good!) Needless to say, THAT stopped and rules were enforced. Unfortunately, they are no longer friends because of this difference in home environments, but again it is our job to keep her safe...if she doesn't like the rules, that is too bad. We need to keep her alive and well.

Best of luck to you!

The mother of this child NEEDS to be spoken too. If other mothers in the neighborhood are having the same issues, all of you need to talk to this mother at the same time. She needs to be told, it's not okay to let your child run around, it's not okay for him to hang out 10 hours a day. The child needs to learn-when it's time to go home, it's time to go home. I have a 6 1/2 year old, and I can't imagine him going a block or two away from my house, not knowing where he is.

And people wonder why little kids are being abducted? Well, now you have your answer. Parents who aren't parenting, and a child without rules, structure, or boundries.

Hi K.,

We have a very similar situation in our neighborhood and over the years I've just had to become very open that my children are playing with so & so and that is all we can handle today. Also, if these kids do hang out in front of our house, holding us hostage, I tell them that they need to go home. Yes, their parents have turned up a time or two wanting to go around with me, but I've just very kindly stood my ground. I have only one opportunity to raise my children, I have four. Their children aren't respectful, aren't trustworthy, aren't safe and don't follow the rules, end of story. It's tough, but being honest is the best policy and it's ok to tell this little 6 y.o. that your child cannot play with him because of his behavior and that he needs to go home. When I was growing up my parents were very opinionated about who I was allowed to play with. The rules were clear and I was not allowed to play with children who didn't follow the same rules that our household did. It's a reasonable expectation and unfortunately as the parent, you're going to have to be the one to deliver the news. If the parents show up, I'd be surprized. It doesn't sound as if they really care; however, if they do, your reasons are very valid, very concrete and you have a right to make the rules for your own child. Furthermore, I wonder if child services should know that a child that young is running free all the time. It's very unsafe behavior.

Good luck,

D.