Seeking Input from Moms of One Child Families

I always thought about just having one child, then I had my second, I now can't imagine not having 2 kids. they both are an enjoyment. if you think you can keep up with 2 active kids go for it. it's worth all the time and patience.

Hi N.,
Do I have the aol message board for you to visit! I have been posting for 4&1/2 yrs now on an Only Child Parenting Board; it would be a great place for you to visit and pick the brains of all the only moms (some there were also onlies themselves and one has three generations of onlies). The whole board is moms of only children --and sometimes, like you, moms who are looking into having an only child and want to visit the board. Obviously, the board is biased toward having one child, but the moms will give you the straight skinny on their reasons for being an only family and misgivings they may have had or have. I'd be happy to email you the link if you'd like to check it out.
There are a variety of reasons people choose to or, by fate, become only child families --or multiple child families. My family became an only child family by fate, although we seriously considered remaining an only child family before we changed our minds and decided to have a second child. Our younger son was stillborn due to a uterine rupture at term that left me unable to safely carry more children. In the first years after losing our second son, we intended to adopt, but when our living son was diagnosed with his father's genetic condition (just before he turned 7), we decided to wait indefinitely --and later we dropped the plans entirely as we felt quite happy as an only family. Later (last year), our son was diagnosed with more health problems (unrelated to his inherited condition), so not adopting turned out to be the best choice for our circumstances --to better care for, have more time for the care of, and afford the best medical care for our living son (in childhood and to be a financial help for his medical in adulthood as well). If our son had not had further health problems, we would still have not regretted our choice to no longer pursue adoption because we'd moved on to feeling that we were already a complete family and were very happy. I think our family would have been 'perfect' if our younger son had lived, but I also feel that our famiy is 'perfect' as it is, too. If we had adopted, I bet I would felt we had a 'perfect' family then as well. I really believe that it's not how many children you have, not the size of your family, that makes your family happy and complete, it's the family itself that does. You'll find happy parents and children in only families and larger families --and unhappy members in both, too. What matters is what's right for YOUR family, one child or more, and then enjoying your family's size so all the family members sense that 'completeness'. A child growing up in such a home, one child or more, will likely go into adulthood quite happy having been an only or a sibling.
I'm very close with one of my sisters (my oldest sister, 15 years my senior) and I believe sibling bonds can be wonderful. But, they can also be a mess.. it just depends. My husband has one sibling and they're more like distant cousins, rarely speaking or seeing one another, not at all close (and not close in childhood either).
Our son is very happy, very social, very friendly, and very content with his position as an only child. He tells us so every now and then out of the blue, although he does sometimes say that he wished he could have known his brother. He went through a period when he was younger where he wanted a "born alive" sibling very much (he always stipulated that part --something you'd hope a child would never have to take note of), but that passed and he later said he was glad we decided not to adopt after all. I'm sure if we had, he'd have been happy about it, but he's happy with us having not, which works out nicely.
Sometimes family members suggest having a second child (or more) because they worry about that child "alone" in adulthood or when the parents are old and need care and die. If things work out ideally in a family with more children, then those children will be close in adulthood and share in the care of their parents and console one another when the parents pass. But, things don't always work out that way. One of the moms on the only board is mom to an only by circumstance (wanted another, but her one child was a real miracle and she wasn't going to push her luck). This mom has a brother who is severely disabled. She loves and is close to him, but they aren't best friends like she and her husband are, and she will take over HIS care when her parents are too old to... plus their care as well (without his help, of course). Her husband is her bff and will be the one to help her.
As close as I am to my oldest sister, who I do consider my best girlfriend, my husband is my true bff and my partner, confidant, the one I turn to first and seek comfort from when I need it. He is my 'rock'.., although when I'm peeved at him, it's my sister (and a couple girlfriends) I might talk to about it, lol.
I don't think there's a right or wrong # of children you can have as long as, however many or few, each child is wanted because you're ready for a whole, separate, unique person to get to know and raise up to send out into the world --and as long as you have the time for each one and can afford to care for each in childhood, whether or not they're healthy. I wouldn't worry about the age spacing, btw, unless it's due to your own age. Of all my sisters, it's the one farthest apart from me in age that I became so close to. Age Shmage. :o)
Good luck with your decision, and let me know if you'd like that link to the Only Child Parenting Board.
M. B

It may be hard at first but you will get the hang of two kids after awhile. I have two kids myself. They are 3 and 10 months. I wanted another baby after my first son turned 2. I just did not know it was going to happen being that i was on birth control. But i love it as a mom. My 2 year old does not seem so lonely now that he has a baby brother. I think if you do want another one than you should do it. But all is up to you and your husband. Good luck with what ever you may choose.

I have a two-year old daughter. My personal feeling is that the stigma of the "only child" is on its way out the door. As long as your son has an active childhood, lots of playmates, and friends that are super-close, then if you're happy with one child, so be it. I had'nt intended on having any children, or on only adopting, but when I met my husband, I knew he was the one and wanted to have one child with him. He knows I don't want anymore and I've gone so far as to tell him he should get a vascectomy. Yep, I'm that serious! If we do have any more kids, they'll be adopted - too many babes out there with no one to love them... That's my (less than) two cents...
K. in EC

Hi N.,

My name is C. and I am an only child. I just wanted to give you input from a "child's" perspective. Eventually, parents pass and I've always wished I had someone to turn to and say "Remember when Mom and Dad..." without needing further explanation.

Hope that helps.

C.

From an only childs perspective, I hated it. I know some kids that were only's that enjoyed it, but I never had a playmate, let alone anyone to blame things on ;) growing up.

I use to cry and beg my mother for a sibling up until I was about 6 or 7 when my aunt explained to me that my mother had her tubes tied after I was born. I was so disapointed and was angry at my mother for being so selfish (like I said I was young).

I suppose I understand her reasoning now, however it's not the choice I made for my family. Every family's different and I'm sure you'll know what will work best for you. :)

I had an only child for 7 years before we had another, and her growth has been amazing. She was pretty cool to begin with but having a brother has really matured her. Siblings are great!

Hi - we were a one child family for 5 years! I always thought I'd have two children two years apart and they would be best play pals. Little did my husband and I know the toll just one child (beautiful and bright and kind and amazing by the way) would have on our relationship. She was/is amazing!! it was just us that couldn't get a grip - our parenting styles and personalities and ways of going about things were very different. Frankly and hard to admit, we had a lot of recovery to go through in our own relationship before even considering another baby! After hard times and joyful and finally through learning and new understanding we were able to consider a 2nd. To make matters more complicated though we were a one income family living in a two bedroom flat in San Francisco, renters with no hope of ever touching the real estate market. At times I was in such despair and thought that I would have to choose between a 2nd child (which I always dreamed of) and a house - a 2nd child would mean my staying out of work longer. To make a long and exhausting story short, ignoring all our worries, our daughter having just turned 4, throwing caution to the wind, we went for it! Our beautiful son arrived as our daughter turned 5 1/2! After a pregnancy full of worry about whether we were doing the right thing - (if you have another child please savor every minute of your pregnancy)on the day of his birth I had never felt such an immediate peace wash over me! Years of questioning and fretting were over and our family was/is complete and though tough at times we are utterly happy! I don't mean to tell you my story to confuse you or make it any harder for you, but just to say that if it's really really what you want then don't let outside concerns like downtime etc deter you. A very good family friend now a grandma herself once said that the greatest gift you could ever give a child is a sibling. My daughter's life is all the richer for it.

This response if from a mom who was an only child. I had a great childhood but always wished I had an older brother. As I grew it didnt really matter. But now.... I am 42 years old and a mom of 3 and both of my parents have passed away. I now wished I have had siblings because I have no one to talk about my childhood with. Nobody to share my memories with of Christmas, family vacations and first day of school...ect Nobody to say remember when "mom did this" or "when dad said that". I also dont have the extra family support of Aunts and Uncles for my children.
After my first child was born I knew she couldnt be left alone and she had to have a sib. We were good with two until our little suprise was born Nov 06. Now we (I) have a family and we have crazy fun togeter. Holidays are fun and I am working hard to make great memories for them to carry in their hearts the rest of their lives.
I didnt grow up selfish as an only child and learned how to enjoy spending time alone.
So if your family includes one child they can be well rounded and happy. I am. But I do have to say after lots of tears about unexpected pregnancy and the birth of our "little peanut" ..... the more the merrier... Good luck ...:)

HI, N.,
I am having my 2nd child in a matter of a couple of weeks. We somewhat debated this, too, because my husband started feeling like having more than one would be too expensive. My argument was that our child needed a sibling. Then he argued that he didn't necessarily "need" another sibling. Then I pointed out that I was not talking about NOW, but about his entire adult life. It would be really lonely for him to be an only child as an adult and not have the friendships that one can cultivate with adult siblings. My husband has 6 siblings and I have 3. We all have a great time when we get together, and we all also have comfort that we will still have each other after our parents pass away one day. I hope you make the best decision for your family. Best of luck!

Wow! I have noticed a lot of negativity about having only one child. I have only one child. My son is 7 yrs old and he is a wonderful, well adjusted, polite, happy child. I feel that the benefits of having only one child is that I am able to do so much more with him. He is able to be involved in many different activities. I make it to everyone of his school functions without having to divide my time between him and another child. I make sure that my son has many connections to our extended family as well as many peer connections through sports, school activities, play groups, etc. When we are home alone, it is a great time for he and I to reflect on the day and talk to each other. I am able to spend quality one on one time with him without having to worry about if I am making another child feel left out. Granted, I am definitely biased, since I know that this will be my only child. But I wanted to let everyone know that there are lots of upsides to having an only child. And....hey....no sibling rivalry!

Hi N.,

I have 1 child and I absolutely love it. I do love children, I have a lot of nieces and nephews so I constantly have kids around me. My son is 11, and I'm 43 years old, so at this point in my life I don't want any more kids. A factor for me was my busy schedule. I'm a single mom and work 2 jobs and that played a major factor in my decision. I think since your son is 2 and you have your husband to help you out, it would be a good idea to have a another child. My son even today at 11 always asks for a brother or sister so he can have a sibling that lives with him.

I was very lonely as an only child. I was also the only grandchild so I was really by my self. My best friend was also an only child and she doesn't understand why I hated it so much. I know that doesn't really help much but I just thought I would let you know that it goes both ways.

Good luck. I'm sure what ever you decide it will be the right choice for your family.

I was a middle child and love the fact that I have a brother and a sister. I too only have 1 but want to have another. I think that she should get to experience what I had...two loving siblings that I could talk to about anything, they always have my back. Why not give that to someone else. My problem is deciding when to have a second one.

I am so glad you posted this question because my husband and I have been struggling with the same question - Should we have another child? The difference is that HE wants another one and I do not. His argument is that one day our daughter will not have anyone left in her immediate family once my husband and I are gone. I counter that with the fact that she is very close to her first cousin (they're 18 months apart) and that we have a very large extended family that she can rely on in the future.

My point against having another child (actually, there are many points)is that after having our daughter, I felt like I was losing my mind as a stay-at-home mom. It was the hardest job EVER and if we were to have another one, daycare would be so expensive for two, it may be "expected" that I stay home again. I just got back into the work world after being gone for three years and I absolutely love my job and being among adults. I think going back to work full-time has actually helped me be a better mom, as I now have some time to myself and am not so stressed and spazzed out when I spend time with my daughter. Also, my husband works a very erratic schedule and cannot guarantee that if we were to have another child that he would cut back on work. In fact, since it would be more expensive to have two children, he may work even more! Part of my insanity as a stay-at-home mom before was that I felt like I was raising our daughter alone, since he was always at work. Of course, I didn't have to worry so about making money for our provisions, but I certainly didn't have the in-person support I needed from my husband. I have told him that at this point if we had another child and his schedule remained the same, meaning he could not be there for us on a regular basis, I would probably grow to resent him and think our marriage would suffer.

I do see my husband's point though, but for my own sanity I think this is the better option. I'm not writing off having another child in the future, but it would take A LOT for me to consider it. In order to fill our daughter's time and keep her socialized, I schedule LOTS of playdates on a regular basis, so that she has others to play with besides Mom and Dad, and that seems to keep her happy and balanced.

Good luck to you!