Seeking Ideas for How to Deal with Child Who Is Stealing

You know some kids just like the thrill or rush it gives. I knew kids who were good kids that did it all the time not even cause they nec liked the item, wanted the item, etc. It was the thrill they got when they got away with it. If that is what she is thriving on and she has an addictive personality. Sounds like you are in alot of trouble. Might suggest looking into getting her into a sport or something that would give her a rush of some sort. Something that would get her adrenaline pumping so she could see that she can get that rush another way. Worked well for a friend of mine that was a good girl just had a problem with wanting adrenaline fixes. She eventually played hockey...go figure...and the 10 years of stealing dried up finally.

I've had this issue w/ both of my older boys around the same age. Usually they took like a pack of gum and once batteries from the little stands by the checkout.

I've always come down really hard on them and make them go up to the customer service or manager depending on the place and say, "I am so sorry, I am a thief and I stole from you. I will never do it again." I generally wait for other people to be around. I know that there are differing views on whether or not it is alright to embarass or humiliate a child. But I find that to be a very good motivator for changing or halting behavior.

It has never been an ongoing issue with us because once they realized I meant business, they stopped. But if it was ongoing, I think I would do along the same lines as you, but I might change a few small details. For instance, each time I found a stolen thing, I would pick the object that my child loved the most (even if it was the tv, video games, etc) and give it away to charity. But I would add a little twist to it. I would make them take the item in their own hand or right by my side if it was too heavy. And take them up to the person at Goodwill or the Salvation Army or whatever and make them say the same thing they had to say to the store manager. "I am giving this to you because you need it more than I do. I stole from the store, so I am a thief and don't deserve this."

I think they'll get tired of it, and after having to say, "I am a thief" enough times, they realize it isn't cute at all.

Another thing that might help is to have her help serve or something else at a soup kitchen or shelter. Or even just take her there. Or if they have churches that have lines of homeless people where they give out food or clothes, etc, and you can show her the children and families who don't even have enough to eat, let alone little things like she is stealing. Sometimes actually seeing things like that is easier to get it through their heads that they shouldn't be so selfish and should be happy for what they do have. After we passed one of those lines and I explained what was going on, both my older boys were crying because they felt sorry for the less fortunate, and they wanted to go home and pack up some toys to take the children. Now every year at Christmas, we go through their rooms as a tradition and they give both new and old toys away on their own.

I wish you the best of luck, I've been a single mom of 2 boys before and know that it isn't easy, especially when a discipline issue comes up like this.

I am dealing with the same situation right now, with my 7 year old daughter. I noticed that you wrote this in 2007. So I'm wondering if this was a phase that she went through, or do you still struggle with this issue. Did you learn anything from it, that you could pass on?

Thanks.

T.,

I took over the care of my 6 year old niece 2 and 1/2 years ago, and when she came to live with us she would steal, lie, cheat, it didn't matter what I said, or what I did. Finally I realized that she wanted attention and money and things of her own.

You see my daughter was 2 at the time. Before she came my daughter was very spoiled. She is an only child, and I was having a bunch of female problems and we weren't sure we were going to be able to have another one. Plus my husband and I both grew up in loving homes, but there wasn't any money to spare. Now as adults we have the means to give the children almost everything. Now here comes another child from a neglected background. When she came to us she had only a couple of outfits and they were only fit for the garbage!

I learned that if I gave her chores and paid her individually for those chores she stopped the stealing. She gets .25 for every 2 loads of laundry folded and .10 for every load of dishes put into the dish washer. Everyone on my husbands side sends money for Christmas and birthdays and we are blessed that they have taken her in as part of the family as well, so as of one week ago she had 160.00 saved. This has been accumulating for about a year.

She had to get glasses about 1 1/2 years ago. We paid for the glasses. Then she bacame mad one day, so she slammed her face into the wall and broke her frames. We made her take her money in to fix them, and this was our biggest lesson that things in life were not free. Since then she has done extremely well. She saves most of her money. She refuses to spend it most of the time, but KNOWING that she has it when she wants it is all that it has taken to turn her around and straighten things out.

I hope this helps you. A friend of mine did this with her daughter and that is what gave me the idea. It has worked wonderfully for both of us.

when my brother was younger, maybe a yr or two older then yours, he took something from a store and got caught. They had an officer talk to him and scared him very badly. He never did it again. It was a good way to get the point across, and I highly recommend it, though I would talk to a store before you bring her back in, so it looks like the stores fault and not yours. I wish I had more, Good Luck!

I have 2 children both 7, that Ive had the same problem with. I had to take them to the police station and have an officer talk to them about stealing. They werent stealing from the stores or anyone but my hubby and I. I didnt want this bad habit to esscalate so I took them to the station. It seemed to help, they have stolen from us a few times since but no where near what they were doing before. Maybe this is something that you could talk with your hubby about. Good luck.

T., I have 10 kids and the thing I found was they like to buy thing they like. try to put your 5yr old on a per week payment the way I did it was they get money to save in a jar when they find something they want they have to save the money up to buy it this makes them feel like they are in control. my 10 yr old has bought things that was over 200.00 and they take care of it and the steeling stopped as they found out they can have what they want if they save the money. the only catch is if they steel the money goes to him they took what ever from and they have to start over!!! hope this helps T.

Hi T.,
I have never had this problem with my children. But as I was reading this I was thinking of maybe giving her some kind of a reward system. Like if she goes so many days with out stealing, start small at first then build up she either gets money of her own or gets to go to the store and buy something with in this amount for herself. Make her earn it instead of stealing it so she learns that you have to earn things in life rather then just take what you want???

Good Luck
God Bless
L.

Dear T.,

My husband and I are youth pastors so we feel your pain and desperation to solve this character dilemma in your daughter. If you aren't currently doing so, pray with her each time it occurs. Also, privately take it to the Lord in prayer daily (I'm sure you probably do ... but don't give up), that He'll take away her urge to steal and show her how/why it is wrong. Sometimes, this is the only thing we can do ... stay consistent with consequences and let God do the inner work in her that is needed. He created her little mind and only He knows what is truly going on in there. Along with this, you could try showing her the joy in giving more than receiving in tangible ways. (Taking toys to sick children in the hospital, for example, and seeing their joy).

We have seen teens who started stealing at her age and that are still so impulsive, they cannot control it. In this case, I would suggest all of the above, but also taking her to a counselor or your pastor on a regular basis.

You are in our prayers for this difficult situation.

Blessings,

E.

Hi T.
I have 2 boys who arent old enough to go through this yet, but my brother is 13 and he did the same thing when he was younger and my parents took him to a police officer and had him have a talk with him it scared him straight he did this in uniform in front of the station by his police car. I think a 5 year old could understand that. Also is her friends little theifs? Are they encouraging this behavior? Theres a show on mtv called JUVIES you might want to watch it and see if she cant understand thats what is gonna happen to her if she continues this pattern. Have you tried to talk to the school counsler? Maybe they have more ideas.--truly good luck thats a tough one!!
A.

Hi T.!
At age five, although kids can understand, I've found that keeping it simple helps a great deal. They can't always understand the complications that go along with bad behavior. All they think is, "I did it. I liked it. And that wasn't so bad. (as far the discipline goes.) So I'm gonna do it again." I, too, am Christain. Have you tried praying with her? Having her talk to Jesus about what she's done and asking for His forgiveness? Another idea, talk to your minister and ask for his help. I had a daughter that did this. However, the cause was simple. The owner of a local gas station thought she was "soooooo cute!" So he told her that she could have anything she wanted (candy or ice cream really) and didn't have to pay for it. That was great the first time, but then I found that she would just take things from other stores and thought it was ok. I had to talk to the gas station owner and explain what was happening and ask him to stop permitting her to just take things. Thankfully, he understood and offered to talk to her. I let him. Things got back to normal after that. I had a girlfriend who went through pretty much what you're going through, not knowing why and such. So she would sneak into her little's one room when she wasn't looking, or sleeping, and take her most valued thing out of her room. It drove her daughter nuts looking for it. Then her mom would say, "Looks like someone stole it!" and let it play out. She said it worked like a charm. She did this twice and only after her daughter got the point, did she tell her what had REALLY happened. Just some ideas...every child is an individual and what works for one, may not work for another. Whatever you choose to do to combat this, BE CONSISTANT and FIRM!! KUDO's to you for nipping this in the butt now!!!

Just Me!
S.

Hi T.,

I do not have any experience with this situation, however, I do have an idea you could try. What she needs to realize is that you can't have something for nothing, so maybe you could come up with a "game" where if she wants something, she has to pay for it with money or toys, etc. For instance, remind her that when she just takes things, she gets into trouble and has to give it back, so if she picks up her room, you will give her money or the toy she wants, if she finishes her dinner all week, she can have money or a toy. Again, I have not dealt with stealing, but maybe if you can make it fun to earn and pay for these things, she will stop just taking them. I am sure she will grow out of it sooner or later but this might help it to be sooner. Best of luck!

J.

T. my dear, you probably won't do this because you have stated
that you are Christian. However if it was my little girl I would see that not only is punishment not working but it is setting her up for a Lifetime of self condemnation and unworthiness and she will have a terrible problem with relationships for the rest of her life. So, I would find two people to help her. !) A past Life Therapist to find out what is the underlying cause and 2) A licensed Hypnotist to get her to talk about this.
God wants all his children to be happy. Love needs to be expressed. This very serious punishment thing is not working. Sometimes it causes children to remove themselves from a situation like this . So Intelligent action is needed/ C. RN,MA

I am sure you have probably already tried this, but what if you made it possible for her to earn money as she does things that are right? A nickel here or there and then pay when she does something wrong? I am a not a fan of bribery and don't really see it as bribery if you keep the amounts small and put a value on things that are good and bad and have her either earn or pay. Good luck!

T.
I am not sure if you know of any Officers that can talk to her and show her what life will be like if she continues on that path. If that doesn't do anything for her I would get another person involved to talk to her, there might be something going on with your daughter that you are missing or that she is not telling you!

Somebody has probably already mentioned this or you have probably already thought of this but have you considered counseling? Obviously she knows that you don't approve of this behavior so she knows that it is wrong so there is probably something else going on. Whatever it is a counselor could probably get to the bottom of it. Or have you considered the possibility of a classmate or friend influencing her behavior? Good luck in this matter and I hope that things improve for you!