D.K.
Well, I have gone through the same thing and still going through it with one of my stepsons. I have done the counseling and read the books so here is what I find that works. First your daughter is still young and even though she may never say it she still has that picture of you, her and your ex in her head,and all of you adults have screwed that up. To her you have all lied, let her down and dont care about what she thinks. Dont get me wrong, that is NOT what you did, its how she sees it. My daughter is 15 now and was 9 when I remarried, he also had 2 boys from his first marraige 4 and 8. After some counseling we have figured out a few things....one, the step parents DO NOT do any of the discipline with your daughter, they can teach her, help her and correct her in minor situations but when it comes to the big stuff only MOM and DAD handle it. Two... As far as your ex saying that she is not that way at his house, please do not beleive that. She is eight and is starting to learn how to play people against each other, also if she displays them at your house and school then she does it at dads house as well. Three...Be firm, consistant, and mean what you say. Children need guidance and thrive off of structure. They do not know how to put things in place or fix things they count on us to do it for them and right now her world is very out of shape and she is struggling to put it back together...help her. Get her a journal, make mommy time once a week, keep open dialog with your ex husband and put a plan in place. Start slow..chore charts, house rules and what the consequences will be if they are broken. I know this all sounds silly but it does work. good luck and keep the faith...wait until she is a teenager...LOL!!!
A mom in your shoes
D.