Seeking Help in Understanding a 20 Year Old

Updated on February 06, 2007
M.S. asks from Waterbury, CT
9 answers

Trying to understand my 20 year old who says she knows everything and doean't want any kind of advice. She is a total stranger in our home. I don't know anything about her she's lost alot of weight and she blames it on stress at work and her bills, I personally thinks that she has love trouble but she won't talk to me, she doesn't trust me. I think I'm a very modern mom and I'm able to help her but she doesn't let me in.

Pleaseeeeee Helpppppppppp

M.

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So What Happened?

My daughter and I are still wroking things out I have step out a little I know it has to be more but I'm working on it. I'll Keep everyone inform and thank you for your advice, I really needed it.

M.

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C.T.

answers from New London on

20 year olds are stubborn, I know I was at 20. Sounds like it might be a relationship problem. If you bug her about whats going on, she'll probably get angry and distance herself from you, so just give her her space but tell her that if she ever needs to talk to someone about ANYTHING, then you're always there for her. Maybe if something is really bothering her she will come to you to talk about it. As for the weight loss, tell her you're concerned about her health and maybe suggest that she see a doctor (maybe then she could at least open up to the doctor and get any help she may need). I hope she does come to talk to you soon, sounds like she really does need to talk to someone about whatever it is thats bothering her. Good luck!

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T.W.

answers from New York on

HI how are you? I am 22, so it was only two years ago when I was 20 and acting the same way. (now things are different and I can't go thru a day without talking to my mom) My mom tried and tried and tried EVERYTHING to connect with me... it wasn't until she "stepped back" that it worked out. You almost have to let her do her "thing" right now and eventually SHE WILL COME TO YOU! SHE KNOWS SHE CAN COME TO YOU.... so right now she just might want to handle this on her own... DONT WORRY because if it gets to tough or out of hand for her to handle... SHE WILL COME TO YOU someway somehow! For now just be ready for any little connection she may throw your way...a phone call... help with this or that... don't get too pushy when this happens (take it slow) ... let her COME TO YOU. She will soon enough...

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P.R.

answers from New York on

Maybe drugs. I know when I was younger (and on drugs) I totally disassociated myself from my family. Then again, sometime stress (or a bad relationship) could cause weight loss. Why doesn't she trust you? Have you done something for her not to? If so, you will have to try and regain that trust somehow. Try to talk with her. Never give up. My mom never ever gave up on me and has always been there for me. We are the bestest of friends. Good luck.

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R.B.

answers from Elmira on

I wish I could give you some sound advice, but I too am dealing with a similar issue in my home with my 18 year old son...He works a lot...and he is basically being really quiet...but gets extra angry though when asked why he's being so quiet...I am just praying that it's not a drug issue...He comes and goes as he wishes a lot...he is beginning to break more rules...It's really breaking my heart, as I haven't a clue as to where to start to help him...I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone...

You'll be in my thoughts & prayers...as well as your daughter...

Blessings, Robin

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D.M.

answers from New York on

Does she have any friends you can chat with? If she really is in a bad way and she has goof friends then they probably want to help her but, are worried how she'll react. I am only 25 I certaintly don't know everything but, when my daughter gets to that age and I suspect she's hurting her self I will resort to anything I have to to help her, even if it means a quick snoop around her room. Whatever you do just remember you are doing it because you care and she'll probably thank you in the long run.

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K.D.

answers from New York on

Hey M. :) we're pretty similar: I'm almost 39 and I have 5 kids, my oldest is my daughter who's 20, then I have an 18 year old boy, a 17 year old boy, a 2 year old girl, and a 3 month old baby girl... so I have all ages! :) It's hard when they're 20, they do think they know everything sometimes!
What I find with my 20 year old, though, is the more I talk to HER, the more she'll tell ME. Sometimes I'm thinking she's sad about her boyfriend, but she won't tell me, so I take the opportunity to tell her a little story about myself, something I went through that I think she might relate to. This makes her feel comfortable, and she'll often say "well, ya know, Jeff's kind of that way too..." and tell me something her boyfriend's been doing to her, making her feel inadequate or stupid. I figure, if she knows I've been there, she'll know I might sympathize with her, so I am a good person to talk to about such things.

I'm pretty honest with my kids, and they seem to feel free to talk to me about any topic, because 1.) I don't overreact, I stay calm even if I'm freaking out inside! and 2.) because I tell them stories, they know I've 'been there', so I can relate, and have good advice. My kids know what stupid things I've done in my life. I don't just tell them what dumb things I did, I make SURE to tell them the outcomes and consequences of my actions. I don't say "yeah, i used to smoke pot too", I say "yeah, I smoked pot when I should have been doing my homework. All my friends graduated, I dropped out. How hard it was going back to school in my twenties!" and so on. This way, they know I'm not perfect, but they know I"m honest with them, they can be honest with me. And my advice isn't some advice some counselor is giving them in a school. Kids are smart. They know when a counselor is giving them advice, in most cases, that counselor is just telling them something they read in a book somewhere, they don't have personal experience. If you have personal experiences, share them with your kids. But mostly, share your consequences, things you have learned as a result of going through difficult times. That's the best way to open the door to communication with kids that age! And... once you've talked, make sure to give them time to talk. Ask them questions about how they FEEL about things. Try not to sound like you're interrogating, though, cause that'll shut them right down. Be careful never to bring up things they told you in confidence when you're mad and throw it in their face! they have to know their secret is safe with you. You can say things like "where would you like to be when you're 30? How would you feel if.....?" that kinda thing, that opens the doors to them talking to you. All my kids freely talk to me about every aspect of life, it's incredible. I have the relationship with my kids that I always dreamed of having with my own mother. My kids know they can freely come to me with any problem and tell me ANY thing, and I will calmly help them solve whatever it is. You can have that, too, believe me, this works. Good luck!

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A.O.

answers from New York on

Wow that sounds scary. Are there any other clues you can pick up? If she's lost weight could there be an eating disorder? Does she eat with the family? Could she be in an abusive relationship? Her boyfriend could be isolating her from family and friends. Maybe depression? Does she seem to have lost interest in things that once made her happy? Just keep letting her know you love her and are there for her no matter what the problem is. Be supportive but try not to pry she'll shut you out even more.
P.S. I would also suspect drugs if cash or small items are missing around the home.

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C.B.

answers from New London on

She's 20 she needs to learn ao her own. Adulthood has all new problems and stresses and could be the cause of her weight loss. back off she'll come to u when she is ready

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C.M.

answers from New York on

I was 20 about 6 years ago, lol, but I think that maybe she just wants to figure it out on her own. If your realtionship is good than just ask her, if she wants to talk than she will. If your relationship is not so good than ask her, maybe she'll take it as an opportunity to talk. My mother and I are not close at all but its the effort I appreciate. My aunt and I are close and still at 26 married with 2 kids I dont tell her everything and I like it that way, its just an independent please respect my life and privacy thing, but if I dont hear from her every few days I call her up and ask where she been, wierd but its a comfort thing.

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