Seeking Advice on Lack of Father

I've read a lot of the advice and have seen some good suggestions. I strongly agreed with one response in particular which said that children blame themselves and I just had to write to emphasize the power of this. Though I don't come from a broken home nor am I single parent, I am a teacher and a counselor. And directly frome the mouths of babes I will tell you this...I had a student in my first grade class who was what you would call adhd. He was always getting into something, knock the clock off the wall with a pole drew crayon down the hallway wall just to name a few. Anyway I worked with the mom all year who informed me that the father had recently moved out but the child didn't really know she told him that he was working. The school told her to have him evaluated for ADHD and that he should be medicated. She didn't want to but agreed and then had him off and on medication. To make a long story short, he suddenly at the end of the school year inexplicably calmed down. One day he came up to me when they were outside and said to me "Once when I was bad my daddy moved out and now that I am good my daddy moved back in." It broke my heart. Anyway I am not telling you to bring you down because you cannot control his fathers actions but please make it clear if you haven't already that his father's actions are in no way a reflection of him or his behavior. There were many other great suggestions and you have to do what works for you.
I didn't want this response to be to lenghty so I may have left out some info. Feel free to email me if you need clarification on what may very well be babbling.Best of luck to you.

J., I am sooo sorry to hear what you're going through. It must be so tough on you emotionally. I have a dear friend who is a single mom and has experience on lack of father, just like you - she can give you some great advice, I will email you her info privately.

All my best,

L. A.

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J., i am in the same kind of situation. i have three children 4,5 and 7. there father was and is in and out of there lives. every couple years comes to try a make amends when he leaves his girlfriend and weve tried to make it work for the kids but he then goes again. my two youngest will talk or ask about seeing daddy sometimes but i make excuses for him. such as hes working alot. he only sees them on some holidays and never calls anymore. not since my oldest daughter, 7, told him she didnt want to go see him for easter. i think it broke his heart but too bad, hes broken theres too many times to count.i dont call him anymore to talk to the kids. and the kids seem to be almost forgetting about him. i say if your son asks about him try yo change the subject asap. if he calls tell him he cant be there when its convient for him and either be there on a regular basis no matter how far he has to drive, if he cared enough it would be worth it to him, and if he cant do that then to stop calling too. its going to hurt your son more to have him in and out of his life then to not be there at all. itll take some time and tears from the both of you but eventually itll be easier. i wish the best of luck to you and hope my story and advice will help.

sincerely a single mom of three from a dead beat father

Hi J., Sounds like a rough situation. I will pray for you. I had 3 when my husband left. They were 7,8 and 9. It was not easy but I did have my family. My father was a good male figure for the boys. They were better off without their dad and they would tell you the same as they are now adults. I was the best mom I could be. Get him someone to talk to(in school or privately) Do your best and ask the Lord for help and guidance. Many blessings, Grandma Mary PS I later remarried (a wonderful man) and had 2 more sons. Also if your son wants to speak to his father, let him. If you think he says anything to hurt him, deal with that. You only want the best for your son. I agree if he is not giving you $ he has no right to see him. Get that done legally if you can. Life will work things out. I am sorry you are going through this and your young son also. Stay close to him. He needs you. all my best. Mary

Hi J.,
I have a similar problem with my 18mos son's father. HM has it right, let your son figure it out, it's the best way.Yes it may hurt him for a while but he will eventually figure out what his father is like (and he will still have you and your love and support). My Ex Has 3 sons, ours and 2 from a previous marriage. His older boys know how he is and when he contacts them they may talk to him or not, depending on their mood. They know he is their father but, because of his actions they Treat him like someone would a polite stranger. Look at it as you both are better off without him, he does not sound like father material to me. Your son can still find male role models in Family and friends, ones that will teach him the more important things in life:).

J. ~

Child Support and visitation/contact are TWO VERY SEPORATE things. Keep them SEPORATE.

In court, fight for the support your child deserves and what you need to raise your child. THAT is a matter between you and the father of your child ~ NOT the CHILD.

First, get over the fact that he wants nothing to do with the child. THAT is his choice and HIS loss. YOU are the only person you can change and the anger will continue to grow and it will hurt YOU in the end. Let it go.
Give your son the best life you can. Stand up and be proud ~ you deserve it and your children will one day see that.

When I went through this people informed me ‘it would get better’ and that the boys would one day see ‘who/what’ their father truly is. It has been a LONG time – but it was true. Unfortunately, my ex missed so many things in their lives, and continues to not take part. It is his loss.

Never speak poorly of him, bad mouth him or talk rudely toward him. Let the children see you are the ‘better’ person. They too will become a ‘better person’. Give them opportunities to make contact with him, but there is no need to ‘push’ it. They can/will see the true picture.

Best of everything to you and your son.

J.

DO NOT take away the only contact that your son has with his father. I know it must be difficult for you to see the heartache and sorrow on your son, but you are going to have to deal with it. I am a child of parents who divorced at an early age and my mother did that to my siblings and myself. My father died when I was 13 and I have had a difficult time coming to grips with a lot of questions that I had about him. I see both of my brothers struggle with this gaping whole in their lives. To this day, and I am 31, I still struggle with relationships with men and women. And, I'm not quite sure that I respect my mother as much as I should due to the fact that she took something away from me that she had no right doing. This has also caused a strain on our relationship and the same for my brothers. I am not quite sure how to show happiness, sadness, and I always expect diappointment. I see the same for my brothers. All because my mother did exactly what you are thinking about doing.

I in turn married someone who walked out on my daughter and I. There was not one time I thought of taking away the visitation, even though he was unreliable with visitation, late for everything, never went to any events she participated in, or just plain blew her off. I had to deal with a great deal of grief from my daughter about why her father was not there, and somehow things were always my fault in her eyes, but you need to take it in stride. She is now almost 10 and she is learning to appreciate the fact that I am the one that is there for her and her father is not. She's also seeing that no matter how I feel about her father, I will always allow her to make her own mind up about her time with him. That way, if she doesn't want to see him, it's because she has made that decision and I did not make it for her. This also helps out in the situation that I don't have those type of power struggles with her. I have since remarried and her stepfather has taken the place of her father. At this point she is happy and loves the fact that she has a man in her life that is there for her and setting a good example of what a really man, father, and friend should be.

Be strong, time will pass and you will be the better person for it. Remember, in the end your child will look at you differently than how I look at my mother. Good luck.

S. D.

J.,
I woulld not recommend refusing your son contact with his father if he is asking for it. This could come back later to bite you in the behind, your son could blame you later in life if his father changes his mind. My oldest daughter (she will be 10 in July) is from a previous relationship and although I wish her father would drop off the face of the earth I try to encourage her to spent time with her bio father. She does have visitation with him everyother weekend and she has told my husband and I that basically she only wants to spend time with him because he takes her shopping and she gets to play with his girlfriends son who is around the same age, he sees time with her father more as a play date than anything else. This is very hard because my husband and I have 4 other children to think about and we try to be involved with all of them equally and keep everything as fair as possble and it is very hard when my oldest has the attitude that if I wont buy her something she will ask her father. It is very hard to be positive towards her father because when she was born and we were together he wanted nothing to do with her and once I met my now husband he decided to try and be involved and he is a horrible father. He also does not realize how wonderful and special his daughter is and I believe the only reason he wants anything to do with her is because he pays some child support because he is forced to (wage with holding) and he does not want my husband being a paretn to her. We keep telling ourselves that when she is old enough according to the court system that she can make her own decision as to whether or not she wants to spend time with him, I am hoping she will realize just how much of an A.H. he really is. I think she is starting to realize it now but because of her age she cannot make the decision, the court does it for her. I hope this helps you in a very frustrating and difficult decision.

Best of luck in your decision making.

E.

My sister in law just went thru a similar situation. Her son is only 3 yrs. The father moved out of state. She finally took him to court and now his wages are being garnished. She gets the child support now on time and without excuses.
I would also recomend not discussing the money or negative feelings about the father in front of your son. Children shouldn't have to deal w/ and understand grown up problems. Good luck to you and your son!

I think whether you like to hear or not, your son NEEDS his father and you can't be. My husband never grew up with his father even though he spent some time with him. He is resentful for his father not involved in his son's life. J.,I think it may be good idea to find someone who has similar situation who raised her children well. You can find through their children, the fruit of their parenting. I always try to find someone who's successful in the area I need to learn. I heard from someone that it's so important not to be resentful towards your child's father, always be humble and be open to accept your falt, not blaming your ex-husband. Because it won't do any good for your son. He is your son's father. It may be much constructive for you to focus on the things what YOU can do for him instead of trying to pulling away his father from him. Eventually you are the one who can really help him and your attitude and action is so important. If you respond to situation negatively, that's what your son will learn.

Why not go to court to have the child support garnished from your husbands salary?

I believe children blame themselves for the lose of a parent. Maybe your child would benifit if you go with him to family therapy so he can work out his feelings and you can get some insight on how to be supportive of him.

I wouldn't want my child spending time with this kind of man. I tend to think he's not mentally or stable enough. I think it's clear that being a good father isn't important to him...even enough to learn how. In the long run he will cause more pain, more problems, more disappointments for your child. So I think less time spent, the better. Let it just flow as it is....In time I tend to think your boy will loose interest in talking to his Dad on the phone altogether. So let him know when he doesn't feel like talking to his Dad on the phone that it's ok not to. I also think in time Dad's calls will become less....in any case if it does, let it happen...don't waste your time trying to change Dad into being a better father as you'll end up banging your head against a wall.

I also think you should find a single parent support group in your area and take your son to all their childrens play days and events that they may have. There's also a big brother organization you might want to look into. Fill your son's life with fun and stable people he can learn from...who will respect his feelings, love him and who he can love back.

hi.. I empathize with you, I'm in the same boat except that my son is only 29mos now. I'm a single mom too that is just finishing degrees, etc. But I have no idea how i'm going explain things, or what to do.. I don't want to deprive him of his father, but he's at that point now where in a few years he won't rmemeber.. so is it better to not remember at all, or to remember and know he only cares enough to seem him for 20 minutes every 4 months. How can guys just ditch their little one's I don't get it. I do know that I"m going to keep things positive for my son, and ultimately let my son decide I guess, I don't begrudge his father though I surely don't understand how one can declare their love and not want your child.. okayyyy? anyhow,, good luck, I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

I can't tell you what decision to make in regards to the contact your son has with his father, but I must stress the importance of you finding a father figure for your son, whether it be his grandfather, an uncle, a trusted friend... A child who does not have quality time with his father (or a father figure) will often act out his frustration in the form of rebellion. I realize your son will always want a relationship with his own father, and he's hurting because he feels rejected by someone who's supposed to love him and be there to help him, no matter what. You've done (and are doing) everything you possibly can to help your son; I think a trusted man to step in as father figure (go fishing, bowling, play catch, etc. - even just once a week) will help ease your burden as well as your son's.

Wishing you both the best in this difficult situation.

The first thing I would do is got through the court system to secure financial support from his father. I wouldn't refuse contact unless the visits are having a negative effect on your son. Good luck. I know it's tough my son is now 16 and hasn't seen his father since he was three months old.

Wow, this situation can not be easy for you. There is nothing worse than havign to watch your son get his feelings hurt every time his father calls. My advice would be to follow your heart. If the father is not paying child support, he does not have rights to any type of contact (from a legal standpoint). When I was young my parents seperated and my father refused to pay support for a short time and the courts told my mom that if he didn't help pay for my upbringing, he did not have a right to have a relationship with me. Remember you have to do what is right for your son, not for the absent father. As for the financial piece...you do have a right to go through the court sytem, but as i'm sure you know that just b/c a legal document says "pay up" doesn't mean he necessarily will. Just remember that regardless of all else, you love your son and he is an amazing kid b/c he has you in his life to love and support him. good luck

I'm afraid if you are the one who does not allow contact between father and son, your son will grow up blaming and resenting you for their lacking relationship. If you allow continued contact, yes your son will be disappointed by his father and yes you will have to pick up those pieces. But he will also grow up knowing that you are the parent who is there and involved and you are the one he can count on and that he can't count on his father. Unfortunately, this is a life lesson he will have to learn early.

Good luck!

Dear J.,

I would definately work on getting child support from his father. As for your son, I also have a child with adhd. His is 14 yrs old now, I would give him as much attention to make up for his father and show him that there is someone who really cares about him. This will help his self esteem. Then He probably wouldn't miss him as much.

D. G.

From a legal standpoint you can not say if you don't pay you can't see him. I have seen many cases where people thought this was so and it is actually not since Child support and Visitation are 2 totally seperate issues. So go to court and let them know he is not paying you and also if you are seeking him to have no contact then ask for visitation hearing.
Good Luck to you and your child.
Guidance

I can't imagine how you feel or what your going through but I think if you cut of conatct you will only be hurting your child.I hope everything works out for you.

Hi J.,

Tough situation. I read the other responses and my thinking is somewhat different from the others. I come from a broken home, and can tell you that my father leaving was probably the best thing that could have happened to us. While it was hard, and emotionally difficult as well, I think that for me it was better and easier to deal with, with him gone completely. I'm sure my situation is so much different than that of yours..I just know though that my father left 4 kids behind, and even when he was around, it was nothing but rediculously bad. I don't know which is worse...him coming aorund every so often, or not at all. Both of those will take it's toll on the child. While noone (including myself) can understand how a father could leave his child behind, sometimes it's the best thing. You as the mother should not have to remind and badger and beg your son's father to come visit, he should make the effort on his own. (after all I'm sure he's a big boy) I'm so sorry you and your son have to go through this.