Seeking Advice on Getting My Child to Obey Without Yelling

Yelling works for some kids and some it doesn't. If you can put the fear in her by yelling...why not. But it seems as though she doesn't really fear you. You're gonna have to get on her level and talk to her. Tell her if she continues to misbehave she WILL be punished. Make her lay down on the couch beside you and dare her to move. That's what I do with my son, and eventually, he goes to sleep. Just talk to her and say things like, "calm down", "do you want mommy to fix you some cookies"? "Monkeys don't eat cookies", "if you want to go to the park, then you're gonna have to act like you're a little girl and not a clown - clowns belong in the circus." Just talk to her and explain to her that in order to get things she must be a good little girl.

I know exactly what you mean!!! I was so frustrated having them only respond to my screaming. This is how we have handled it.

The 1st key is to come up with a CALM VOICE trigger that they know you mean business and there will be consequences for not obeying this time. This takes the place of the yelling trigger. It can be anything. My parents used my middle name when talking to me. When this happened, I knew Mom was not joking around. My particular trigger is to ask them "Are you ignoring me?" and then state calmly that "Because the consequence for ignoring me is ......."

The 2nd key is to make sure there are consequences EVERY SINGLE TIME they disobey after giving the trigger. The consequences have to be BAD and immediate. Make sure they understand the consequences and then follow through every single time. Don't ever use the trigger if you are not in a position to follow through. Believe me, they will test you!!! I had to jump out of the chair while my hair was being cut, chase my children and then punish them in front of everyone. It was incredibly embarrassing for me and worse for them, but now they don't act up when I'm getting my hair cut anymore.

For me the consequences are constantly changing, because what they care about is constantly changing. They got to where they were never watching TV because they kept getting it taken away. Now they never watch it even when they can. Same for video games. So neither works as a consequence anymore. As Dr. Phil says - "You have to find their currency" then don't back down! If you say without thinking to "Stop, or I'll cancel your Birthday Party", you better be prepared to call everyone you invited and cancel it. Because they will call your bluff!!!

I can also say, it is never ending. They are constantly testing. Prayer is the best help for us to keep us from getting beaten down and choose the right punishment, and for them to help them see the wisdom and have the grace to do the right thing.

Remember Delayed Obedience is Disobedience!!!

Good Luck.

Two suggestions. Read Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend or go to a Love and Logic class. Both are great! I like time outs and I think the key is being consistent. If you cave one time or don't give the consequence one time, she will think you don't really mean it the next time and keep pushing you. Consistency is the key! Good luck and I really do recommend the book and class.

I would like to know the solution to this one myself. My 4 yr old is a bundle of energy too. I am a grandma raising a grandchild and I have a hard time keeping up sometimes. Charts, time outs, etc don't seem to work. One day he is easy as pie to take care of and the next....look out. You better hold on...he is into everything. He does like to help, much like your daughter. So I try to capitalize on that when I can. I'll be interested to see what other women have to say on this subject.

One little idea that I find useful when i remember to use it (we have almost the same kid, and I have accepted that there is going to be a certain amount of yelling...), but one way to change things up is to lower your voice and whisper. Especially when the kid and parent are used to competing to be heard by getting louder and talking over each other, a whisper can arouse the kid's curiosity, get her attention and quiet things way down. Love and Logic's ideas for simple, direct consequences with no arguing or words are also useful -- just sweeping a plate of food away when the kid is eating with her hands, for instance, rather than nagging at her, especially if it can be done with an attitude of calm neutrality, works a lot better than yelling "Hey!!! I said USE A FORK!!!!" Again, it works when I remember it!!

Best wishes!
M.

How do I know about your daughter? I cut my hair when I was 4! I also used to "go on adventures" in my neighborhood without a parent around...Raising the Spirited Child is the book for you, I suspect! Go online and google spirited child for more, perhaps even a mom blog for that topic.
The first thing to do with a child that energetic, adventurous, and willful is to manage your own emotions. Kids take their cues from us, and getting negative attention serves them just as well until it becomes a pattern.
There are teachable moments, and when she cut her hair close to the completion of her sticker chart, throwing the chart away, I suspect out of frustration and upset by you, was a lost opportunity to teach her about natural consequences, in that the discipline and guidance may have been missing, but the "punishment by parent reaction" was in place. Then the next "infraction" gets a her a "yelling at" experience.
Take heart: her abilities will someday be assets as a leader, creative person, and an independent thinker. You are the one who has to learn to parent her to develop her to be responsible, compassionate, and a listener. That comes through being her role model, initially.