Help Me STOP...

Hello, If you really want to get their attention, whisper. It works like crazy. They don't know what to think. Choose a consequence which fits the behavior and deliver it with a whisper. Do this EVERY time and it will begin to work. It won't change things overnight, but eventually, they and you will be calmer.
Good luck.
K. K.

You're normal! We all yell at our kids at some point. I'll tell you a secret to what works for me. Before I begin to raise my voice, I remind myself, that it usually doesn't work. I take 5 seconds to calm down, then I approach the kids with whatever I want to say in a "whisper". And I mean - barely audible, whisper. This gets their attentions better than anything I've ever done - yelling, counting from 1-3, or just having a hissy fit. They automatically stop everything they're doing in order to "hear" me. Works like a charm! It takes some practice to gain that initial control over yourself, but I swear it is a life saver. This is not to say that I sometimes don't slip and yell, but we're all human. Good luck!

"Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far...". I'm joking about the big stick ... sort-of... Sit them down and tell them that you will be using your normal your normal tone of voice from now on and tell them if they ignore you then there will be strict consequences. Be sure to enforce whatever the penalty is for ignoring you/not following instructions.

how about cracking down on consequences after asking ONE time? asking them nicely, making sure they hear you - including a warning - then all right, straight to time out. i don't know how old your kids are but i totally get the yelling. i hope you find a solution. we all go through these cycles. at least i do :P

For myself, I have a code word. If I feel like I'm reaching that point I say it to myself or I say it out loud. Mine happens to be "Patrick Swayze" because who can be mad at Patrick Swayze, right? Saying it changes the direction of my attitude (usually) and gives me a second to regroup. Sometimes, when I blurt it out, it catches him off guard or he finds it amusing and it changes his attitude right away. Sometimes I use phrases that he uses when playing. Like "bust my buffers" from Thomas & Friends. He will usually laugh and tell me that I'm silly.

For the children, giving a warning works wonders. I do the standard count to 3 with my son for misbehaving. I also give minute warnings for other things. If we're out and he's playing, I let him know he has "x" more minutes before we have to leave. Same with bath time, etc. I let him know that we're going to read "x" amount of books for bedtime or this is your last whatever. This is crucial with my son. On the rare occasion that I forget the play time warnings, Patrick Swayze has to come to the rescue.
If they have already started to model the yelling behavior then I would explain to them that even though we have all been yelling it is not the proper way to treat each other and we're not going to do it anymore. Let them know what will be the model behavior from here on out (asking nicely, countdown, time outs, losing privileges, etc.) There is nothing wrong with apologizing and explaining yourself to your children. I have never understand the "because I said so" mentality. As with anything, consistency is key. You're not alone. Good luck!

I struggle w/ staying calm but the two at home are 4 and 1 so reasoning with them is a little hard. But I TRY TRY to do the calm, silent act with the 4 year old at least. I TRY lol

You didn't pick up your mess like I asked? Oh well, those toys are gone now. You mouth off to me? Oh boy, time out in your room. When I can stay calm, this works much better. But it is hard. My last two give "spirited" all new meaning. Hang in there, no ones perfect!

And I strongly recommend the books Parenting with love and logic! GREAT tips!

I too have become a yeller and hate it. I've started taking a parenting class called "Redirecting Children's Behavior" and already within a week I've seen remarkable changes with my son and amazingly enough, I'm not yelling. The first thing I had to accept was that - Misbehavior does not equal a bad child or bad parenting. Misbehavior is a child's way of communicating his/her needs and it is my job to help them figure out what those needs are. Second, we are constantly telling our kids what to do. Studies show that in one day a child can receive upwards of 1,000 commands. Now if someone was telling me what to do, how to do it, etc. that much at work, I know I would go crazy too. Kids start to tune you out just as you would likely do to your boss.

This is where you have to involve your kids by asking them how to solve the problem at hand and you have to allow for natural consequences and let them make mistakes. We need to raise kids who can think for themselves and understand the consequences of their actions. For example, it's time to go to school and they don't want to wear a jacket. Fine, let them go without and if they get cold, trust me, the next day they'll take a jacket. They don't want to eat, fine, they'll get hungry and eat the next time. You get the idea. The important thing here is not to say "I told you so." If they complain about the consequence they brought on themselves, just say "That must have been tought to experience "xyz," I'm sure you'll think about that when you make your decision the next time.

If they don't want to turn off the TV, go to bed, etc. say - we have a problem here...I need you to turn off the TV. How are we going to accomplish that and what do you think the consequence should be if you don't - you may have to wait a few minutes for the response but let them think it out. This is where I'm amazed that my son decides he wants to what I've requested as opposed to figuring out what should happen to him. Now this approach takes more time, but I'm yelling less and less and my son is a lot happier.

Also, a lot of misbehavior comes from your kids wanting your attention. So strive for "genuine encounter moments" - where you focus on them. Put down the phone, computer, etc. and look them in the eyes and give them your attention. If you can't do it right that moment, let them know when you can and then follow through. I've also found that just rubbing my son's back while I'm dealing with his sister is enough attention to ward off the misbehavior as well.

One final trick is the "pause" button technique. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, put you hand on your forehead, breath deeply and "pause." The more time you can put between the "stimulus" that is triggering you and your "reaction", this can help diffuse the situation and your impulse to yell.

I hope this helps you - it's certainly helping me!

It can be done. I posted a very similiar question to this a few months back - I was tired of yelling all the time - feeling out of control - and my husband pretty much called me on the carpet about it. I was angry then but after i calmed down I realized he was right.

I just made a conscious decision to NOT YELL so much. It's not easy (I grew up in an abusive household so yelling is my default) but it can be done. I still lose it occasionally but definitely a lot less frequently then before.

I'm not sure exactly how I stopped (I guess for me it's always mind over matter so once I made the mental decision it was easier to stop the physical reaction) and everyone has given good advice. Good luck!

I always try to give a warning.

I do use time outs. They are effective.

I understand what you are going through. I think every mom has a moment where they stop & think.

One thing that seems to get their attention is to get down on their level & speak calmly. It seems to surprise them.

Sometimes I know I need a time-out, which works great when hubby is home. I let him watch the kiddos & go for a walk.
While I know, this is not always an option esp if I'm alone w/the little one, I stop myself, kneel down to his level & say very calmly something like "honey, you know you cannot throw that toy. You can hurt someone. If you do it again, you will go in time out." The time-out not in a fun locale like their room but where I can see him. I set the timer (1 min for every yr of their age).

I remind myself what it feels like when someone else yells: terrible.

I guarantee you that you can find another way to get their attention.
You just have to try it. It will all work out.

Next time they do something unacceptable, count to 10 BEFORE you react.

The most reasonable consequence is a timeout.
It's been proven to be effective, does not cause any damage to their trust or feeling loved.

Always set parameters of what is acceptable.
That way they know what is accepted going in.

Make sure you get some rest & "down time" for yourself so that you are rejuvenated and not over tired when these things come up.

Hope that helps.

Buy the book: "She's Gonna Blow!" by Barnhill. You are yelling because the kids arent doing what you asked the FIRST time. So sit everyone down, tell them you are not going to yell anymore and they are going to start to do what you ask the first time. If they don't, you will say "that's #1" and hold up your first finger. If they still don't do it or talk back, you say "that's #2" and when you hit #3, you say "that's #3, go in your room for 15 min". You must do this every single time. My 9 yo whines and talks back and/or says, "I'll do it in a min". Now he's getting better, but you have to stay on top of it. And you dont lecture them each time, they know what is right and wrong, you just do the 1,2,3 and that's it. Be consistant and it will get better. And read that book, its really good. Good luck!

I used to be a yeller and come from a long line of yellers and have found that it doesn't work. When my kid's were little, they learned to not respond until I was in full yell, and by that time I'm majorally pissed! When my daughter got older, she would focus on me yelling at her and not at the issue that I was mad about. Then she would go to my husband and tell him that she didn't do whatever cuz I yelled at her. SO what I have now is what I call my "Lithium Voice." It's a very even voice, pretty much void of any emotion. Believe it or not that seems to work! It was hard at first to keep that even tone, but now it is second nature and works great.

Good luck whatever you do!

Kids are very good at learning to tune adults out and that is why many adults find themselves yelling. This means that you have to retrain your children to listen to your voice and respond on the first command (without complaining) and if they do not do so, they should get an immediate consequence. However, you also will need to make sure that you are close them (proximity wise), and that you have eye contact. This reinforces the fact that they are forced to hear you.
I will also add that you should pull the kids aside before you begin this plan and tell them that you are changing things around. That you will now stop raising your voice, but that they will be required to stop what they are doing, look you in the eyes and respond on the first command with no complaining. If they do as they are told you will lavish them with praise and perhaps a small reward such as a sticker on a sticker chart for a future bigger reward. And if they do not do so, there will be a consequence. In this case, whatever is distracting them from paying attention, loss of that privilege for a period of time would be appropriate (example loss of TV privileges, a favorite toy, no outside time with friends, etc). Be sure to keep your consequences logical and make sure they are related to what is distracting them from listening.
So, say for instance little Johnny is watching TV in the living room and you are in the kitchen and you need for him to take out the trash. You walk to him, ask him to please look at you, and then tell him he needs to take out the trash now. If he responds quickly without complaining, when he comes back in the house praise him and put a sticker on the chart. If he does not, he is still expected to do the chore, but he will be forced to turn of the TV for a period of time that you determine.
You may have to have some practice time with them to get them used to the concept. Once you get this into your routine, be consistent.
I was a teacher for 17 years and spent many of my years retraining my students to respond on the first command, but within a few weeks period of time, they always turned around,
Hope this proves helpful!!

I had a "Come to mommy meeting" with my 5 year old girl and 3 year old girl. All the things listed below I did bits and pieces that worked for our family, daddy was part of it, and we made guide lines and expectations, rewards and conquences. Works most of the time!!
The meeting was not :what do you think" or "how do you feel"
It was no more yelling, no more tattling unless thier is bleeding, no more mean voices, always ask. We took toys for the small things, and they could earn them back. Time out for the meduim things when they did something good they earn private mommy time, book reading, cooking lunch ect. and grounding to your bed for the day for the very large things, we haven't had to do that but they know it will happen.
Rewards work the best!

I completely understand what you are going through. For my older teenagers, yelling, swareing and going off the deep end are the only things that work. They think that I am crazy and I want to keep it this way. Because they are scared to get in trouble and never talk back. I ask them all the time, "Why do I have to yell and curse at you all to get you guys to listen!" But for my little ones.. I dont do that. Time out is a joke for them. They will sing to themselves , find some kind of lil game to play with their hands and the wall or go into their own little zones. When I ask them to do something, they always tend to ignore me the first time. Then, I do this 5 second countdown thing. They hurriedly do whatever I ask, because they know that when I get to 0 that they are in big trouble. Being a parent (along with the other stresses of the world) is not easy. I think you should try the 5 second countdown thing. Works brillantly for my kids! If they dont do whatever you ask by 0, take away something that they love as a punishment.

Here is something we did in our household that worked for everyone including my daughter. We set up a jar. Anytime someone yells, we would put a fine in there for that person. For me and my husband, it was 5 bucks for each yelling and for my daughter it was taking away one of her privileges or candies/cookies whatever she likes most. It worked wonders and you won't believe I expected the jar to be half full in 1 week but now 2 weeks later, it only has 10 fines. We also included prolonged tantrums for my dd and her tantrums have gone down dramatically. The interesting thing is, she treats it as a game and enjoys it which I never expected though she makes a fuss when she is fined. You can give it a try. You can also try guided meditation for maintaining your cool.

It's simple. You mean business, so follow through.
Let's say they are watching TV, if you need them to do something, then tell them. If they ignore you, calmly say, "if you don't listen, I'm turning the TV off". Warn them again, "next time I have to ask you, it's getting turned off.....if that doesn't work, then turn it off. Do this with everything they do. "If you don't brush your teeth, I'm taking bla bla away" (or turning off) You have to follow through. Even if all the kids are watching TV, and one of them are not listen, it still gets turned off. Eventually, you should only have to warn once. After a while, they will know you mean business and they should listen. Obviously, this will take some time to work. If you just talk to yourself before your emotions take over, you"ll be able to think better as to what to do. I know it's so hard not yelling, but you just have to find it within yourself you stay calm......
Good luck!

You have to have somewhat of a "I don't care attitude. They disrespect you, so don't care so much, just be calm and nonchalant about it.

I think that you may have some anger in your life that you can't deal with right now.

I find myself being angry when I have not had a good social outlet, am hor_y, in trouble at work, jealous, or have just found out a new ailment (corn on toe, lie bump on tongue, hair in eye) etc.. Until I get whatever THAT is fixed in me--I yell and am nothing nice. I hate it, but at least I figured me out.

I use my body more than my voice to help keep from yelling. I MOVE to their area, right in front of their face if need be, to get their attention. Another thing is to flick the lights off and on (teachers do this too:) to get their attention before speaking - you could also use a whistle or a bell for his purpose.

I don't know what ever made me think I was a patient person before I had kids... :p. I try to get creative with my consequences...and I NEED to have a plan. Right now, if I have to tell them twice to do something (I do make SURE they can't claim, "I didn't hear you" the first time)...they have to pick a piece of paper out of a baggie in the kitchen that has a chore that takes...maybe 2 minutes (wipe down a door with a warm washcloth...make sure all the shoes in the entry are on the shoe shelf). They have to do it before they have free time. If they slam a door, they have to 'practice' closing it nicely (25 - 50 times depending on the child). I say it extremely positively - almost obnoxiously so - "I noticed you need a little practice with this door, you need to practice closing it quietly and properly 25 times before you get on with your day". I have also learned there is an art to ignoring! Just in general I have more success when I talk less (and if I'm not talking...less chance I'm yelling...). You can have a 'family council meeting' - tell them things are going to change...lay out rules/consequences...and then just do it. Sometimes, if I have a child that is really not listening...I pick him up or somehow lead him to his room and calmly say, "If you're going to be out here, I need you to be ready to listen and obey." I close the door and leave it at that. If he comes out throwing a tantrum or anything, I pick him up and put him back without saying a word. I act like it's not phasing me a bit. Usually it kicks it pretty fast - I think I had to do it with my 4 year old the day...but it's been a while. Is there any particular unacceptable behavior that drives you the most crazy? I'm trying to think if there has been anything else I've done that has worked well. Don't beat yourself up - I can't think of anyone that hasn't 'been there, done that' as far as yelling goes!

My husband and I both came from loud homes, so we started out getting louder and louder with our daughter until she responded the way we wanted her to. It wasn't until I watched her yell at her doll that it hit me. You are having that same realization. Think of it like a temperature gauge. As the temperature is rising up your body, you need to learn to recognize it and change the surrounding temperature before it hits the boiling point.

There are a lot of ways to do that. We decided to each walk away if we let things get overheated and we held each other accountable. We also learned how to keep our voices at a sweet level (as if someone was secretly videotaping us). We would be very matter-of-fact when stating the problem and the consequence. When she would get all bent out of shape, we would tell her that when she was done yelling, she could come and talk to us. Then we would calmly walk away or we would send her to her room VERY calmly. "You need to cool down so go to your room. When you are ready to talk nicely, you may come back."

Don't try to rationalize with an irrational child. Just walk away and tell them that when they can talk politely, you will listen. Otherwise, just walk away. It takes practice but it works! I still blew it over the years but it was only once in a great while. Be sure to get your husband's help. It will be great to have him complementing you on your new calm nature.

The same thing happened to me when my girls were little. Here are two things I should have done: 1) made sure they were fully looking and listening to me when I made a request.....it turns out they never heard a bunch of my requests, and 2) tell them that you will ask two times only and then they will get a consequence. You need to stick to this consequence plan. If you just keep asking and asking, they will ignore you, you will get mad, and then you will yell. I thought mine would just listen and obey because I was such a good mom to them, but HA, that was not the case. As for the consequences, it just needs to be timely and painful (losing something they were getting ready for, excited about, like a lot, etc.). You need to meet with them in advance and tell them that this is the new parenting plan so you can stop being forced to yell. Don't blame yourself, just move on to a better process.