Seeking Advice on 3Yr Old

Perhaps he is actin out because he is sad about his parents. Have you tried having a 'lil talk with him about how he feels???

Hi. I'm a teaching assistant at a preschool. Some three-year-olds want to feel independent and do everything themselves, which is great. Those same three-year-olds, however, don't like to be told what to do. Give your grandson some things he can control, like what to eat (that's up to you to give him suitable things to choose from, however), what to play with, etc. But let him know that he cannot be in control of some things, like when to go to bed, and he needs to listen to you because you are trying to keep him safe. What may help is making a chart of his daily routine (you can take pictures of him at different times of the day, for the chart) and have an arrow or some other kind of marker that he can move from picture to picture so that he'll feel more in control when it's time for him to "clean-up" his toys or go to bed. Also, something I read that supposedly works for parents of toddlers and pre-schoolers (although it didn't work for me) is to change the way you say things. Like instead of "pick up your toys," or "brush your teeth", you can say, "When you're finished picking up your toys, we'll have lunch" or "after you brush your teeth, we'll read a story." Children also respond well to routine, so try to have him do things in the same order each day. Yesterday, my nine-month-old son turned the light off after I put his bedtime books away, without me even reminding him!

hi R., and kudos to you for stepping up. i have a 3 year old too, and he is smart as a whip, pushes back at every turn, and is devious to boot! but this is their job, its their first try at independence. plus your grandson is probably pissed off, worried, and feeling insecure about being shuffled. its so scary for any kid, but especially a toddler, to maybe not feel secure in who loves and cares for him. pile on the love as much as you can, spend time doing fun things alone with him, and let him talk to you about how he feels, he needs lots of reassurance. as for discipline, the absolute most important thing i find is to be consistent. think before you speak, try not to react in anger, it will usually backfire, and dont let him bring you down to his level. use as much positive reinforcement as you can, meaningful praise, not just "good boy" but "i am so proud of you for listening the first time i asked you to ....." , or whatever. choose your battles, they just cant remember a million rules at once. once you know what is most important to you, stick with it. do not make promises that you wont deliver, and do not make threats that you will not carry out. if you are wiped out and you just know that you are not gonna get out of the chair for the millionth time, do not tell him that you will give him a time out, or whatever. they know when you are fried, and will take full advantage. it diminishes your authority with every instance of not following through. try not to yell, try to give him reasons for your expectations when you can. and remember that a 3 year old needs to run, but its up to you to decide when and where, and explain to him why, they may not agree or like it, but they do understand. its not safe to run here because bla bla, but you can run there, whatever. and the stroller thing that someone else mentioned is exactly what i did, and it worked like a charm. my son is an absolute angel when we are out because he knows that if he steps out of my sight, or in some cases (like in parking lots or crowds) lets go of my hand, he will go right in the stroller, strapped in, no second chances. he is actually much easier out of the house than in! hmmmm, maybe i should bring in the stroller! just kidding, the punishment should fit the crime if you can, just as the reward should fit too. try to have the consequences make sense, ..."if you can/cant do this right, then you can/cant do it anymore/for the rest of the day, whatever" though personally, i dont see anything wrong with "because i said so" once in a while when its just too hard to explain. YOU are in charge, and though he will fight it, it really will help him to feel more secure to know exactly where he stands. be firm and fair, and remember that he probably understands a lot more than you think! best of luck, D.

It is very, very difficult to discipline a child who is in a tough situation like that.
You really have to be consistent.
Really put your foot down. Be simple, like "you are not allowed to do that here"
But make sure you are rewarding good behavior too.
Since you were good all week by going to bed on time, You can pick new pajamas at the store..
Since you ate your dinner at the table all week, you can pick your own ice cream..
Possibly he may have some hyper activity... but don't jump to conclusions.
Take a deep breath and do your best... and give him as much love as possible!

You have two issues here. He's three and he is living with grandma and not his parents. If this was a recent move this may be affecting him and this is his way of acting out. My daughter is a few months shy of her third birthday and we have the selective hearing issue with our daughter too. If you haveb't done so already, institute the "time out" punishment. My daughter is scared of it. Sometimes all we have to do is count to three and we get her to stop doing what she was doing. If you start this, the only way for it to work is to be consistent or else it won't work.

Hi R.!! Well sadly I have little advice on how to make this child listen better. Just loving him and holding fast to any house rules that you have. The real reason i am writing is to say GOOD FOR YOU!! You sound like a great grandma. To have taken in your grandchild is a huge weight hat has been put upon you. Be Strong and hug that baby as much as you can!!

Hi,

God bless you for stepping up and taking care of your grandson. He's probably really angry. Even at this age you get that "You're not my mom" attitude. I know that you are probably very patient and loving towards him. He just feels disorientated and confused. It comes out as anger. If he knows this is just a temporay situation he doesn't feel too secure right now.

Keep your rules in force. Make the boundries clear. Praise him to the heavens for something good (any little thing). And after explaining the wrong thing he has done try a time out.

He's in a shaky situation right now. He doesn't quite know what's happening to him. Kids feel all the tension and uncertainty around them. If there is any drama connected to him don't assume he doesn't understand. Assume that he will listen to all your conversations and just collect information. He may not understant all of it - but he gets the gist.

God bless you for being there for him.
Good luck.

Hi R.,
Have you ever watched "Super Nanny", "Nanny911", or "Dr. Phil"? They really do offer some good advice for taking care of children. My suggestion to you is to take one hour a day that you devote entirely to your grandson, either reading to him or coloring with him, playing a game or even watching a show together. If your grandson feels important to you then he will want to make you proud. Be careful not to use too many negatives with him when disciplining him. Tell him what you would like him to do in a calm voice and re-direct him if he is misbehaving. If he does not know what you expect of him then it is very hard for him to understand that he is doing something wrong. Be specific when asking him to behave. For Example: "Please, sit down and eat your lunch". Charting is very fun for toddlers, you may want to invest in some stickers and let him stick them on the chart when he does something that you ask him to do, like pick up his toys, or wash his hands, brush his teeth, etc., you get the picture. You are doing a good thing by taking on the responsibility of your grandson, try to remain calm and remember why you are doing this. I am sure that you will be rewarded for your efforts.
Take care,
J.

Not knowing the extent of your situation, I can only imagine that this is unsettling for both you and your grandson.

What I have done, and it usually helps with my daughter, is to give her as many opportunities to make decisions as I can. Now I don't let her run wild or control the household, but at this age they are trying to assert their independence and I try to help her within reason.

If it is breakfast time, I ask her if she wants cereal or oatmeal. I ask her if she wants to wear her blue shirt or her red shirt. I ask her if she wants to walk to bed or be carried. You get the idea.

She is making decisions and gaining the confidence that she is important and being heard, but still within my specifications.

Now, she has been know to ask for something outside her choices, and sometimes I allow her to go with her own choice.

By giving him some say whenever you can, it may help him feel like he doesn't need to assert himself as much and will help you build his negotiating skills also.

Good luck!!

Sounds to me like your little one is going through a lot right now. It's normal for him to act up. What he needs is patience and understanding. Be firm in your rules but treat him gently. He'll come around.

R.,

First thing I want to do is say "thank you" for being there for your grandson. He can't say it himself, and his parents may not think to, but I wanted you to know there's someone out there who appreciates what you're doing, and respects you for it.

Three year olds are tough. This is what they do. They are experimenting with their independence, and testing the limits to figure out what the rules are. If they weren't consistent in his previous living environment, then he's doubly testing, because this is new to him. He needs to see you establish your self as the absolute, no doubt, chick in charge. time outs work well at this age, even if you have to keep a hand on him to hold him in place for the three minutes. A lot of kids don't respond well to you giving instructions unless you crouch down a bit to look them directly in the eye. Boys particularly. If I give my son an instruction from across the room, I might as well whistle to him. I have to walk right up, bend down to look him full in the face and make sure he's looking back, and then give him the direction. No, he doesn't have a hearing problem, he picks up the cookie bag noise from two rooms away!

If you have trouble with him running in public places, bring a stroller. The minute he takes off, stick him in the baby stroller with the straps on. He's going to hate it, but he'll pick up real quick that he can't walk like a "Big boy" if he runs away from you.

It's going to take some time before he gets used to new rules, and he's certainly going to resist. Just stick it out. So far, my experience with toddlers has been that the whole key is to just be more patient than they are stubborn. You CAN wait them out, you CAN keep taking that same item away for the 50th time. If they break you before you break them, you'll never get back on top. Just keep doing it. He'll come around. Or his next birthday will. I hear 4 is better...

J.

Hi R.,
This may sound silly, but I find that simply repeating yourself or yelling at your granchild will not work. I used to get frustrated when my son would not listen until I began kneeling down to his level, making sure he was looking at me, and firmly speaking to him. This keeps him calm & ensures his complete attention. I actually learned this method on the tv show Super Nanny. It really works!! I hope it helps....Good luck!

R.,
first i give you much credit for taking on a grandchild after your own are grown(?).i have 5 children,as you can imagine my household gets quite "busy".i usually use the "time out" method,i do agree you make have to place them in timeout chair more than few times and i usually use age as guide for the length of time they stay.i got it from watching supernanny ha!
but it really does work.i know after a long day youmust be tired.well good luck. L.