3 Year Old; Bedtime ISSUES...I Don't Want Him to Go to Bed Every Night Screaming

this is the age where the scarey imagined stuff happens at night. He's probably letimately frightened and most three year olds can't vocalize this because they don't have enough experience with it yet. Sit with him. He might really need you.

Hmmm.

He could be more aware of his surroundings now that he is getting older and something in the room could be scaring him. Just like physical growth spurts, children have growth spurts in emotions, conceptual ability, and greater awareness.

He may also just feel the need to be close to you right now. Three is a huge growth time.

Darn those kids. You get everything figured out and they go and change on you! I say that in fun, but they are on a twenty year development path. They are learning, changing, discovering and phasing.

I would try talking to him before bed. "It will be time for bed. What do you need to be able to snuggle in?" Help him pick answers if he needs it, then get his agreement. "okay, so we do x, x, x, stories, prayer, hugs & bed".

You could also try a photo chart of what's needed for bed and have him in charge of moving photos from the To Do to the Done side. Have him help you set it up by taking pictures of him in all the steps and also having him tell you what the steps are.

One other idea is if you could add some friendly competition with his brother and see who can go the longest without moving. If you make it fun and give him a sense of accomplishment he should love doing that. You could also see who can follow your deep breathing best. Or maybe you can think of a 'competition' that relaxes them for sleeping.

Good luck! Bedtimes can be tough.

Ditto Christina Q.
anytime a child is on the cusp of being a new age... it tweaks them.
The book "your 3 year old" is real good, from Amazon. Although written years ago, it is still very pertinent. It is a series of books, on each age juncture and what they go through.

And plus, kids this age do not have coping skills, nor full impulse control, nor mastery of their emotions etc.
3 is a hard age... much harder than 2 years old. Two years old is easy....

My son did that too, and so did my daughter.
Basically what I did is, give them a wind-down period before bed, make everything quiet and dark, and then let them peter themselves out... they would 'make excuses' sometimes and say they 'need' something. And then also I would just tell them sometimes "I know you don't need that, but you want to say it as a way to get out of bed for now... okay, so get out of bed for now. Then we'll try again... and when I say so, you go back to bed." And then, I knew, they needed more time to wind-down. Some nights are like that.
But I never argued/battled them about it.
For the most part, it was a short lived "phase."
And sometimes, my kids just needed to 'bond' more at bedtime. I could tell their cues... .
I really do not battle my kids with bedtime or naps.
For the most part... they don't fight about it.
But there would be phases of 'resistance' or delays....

Kids this age... are not self-lead nor self-reliant 100%.... they still need help, to do things, even going to bed.

If you can, maybe he needs his own room.
Apples and oranges don't always work... at certain age junctures... the dynamics changes.

Maybe also, give him a flashlight for him in bed (my kids have that) and a lovey... and a small basket of a couple of his toys so he can hang out in bed with it for a bit before falling asleep. My son does that and it helps him wind-down too. And a lovey. And a sippy of water.

all the best,
Susan

Here are some ideas by Dr. Kyle Pruett and a link below with more info on sleep issues:

http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/01/09/...
Children’s sleep issues are among the more challenging developmental stages for parents to master.  But biology is on the parents’ side in this one, because sleep patterns mature over time just like other developmental skills.

* Polls tell us that one-third of American children and their parents sleep together some or most of the time before children start school. Co-sleeping varies hugely by culture and ethnicity. So think about what you want to do, and discuss the pros and cons with your pediatrician.
* Make sure your crib is safe (locking rails), that your older child’s ‘big bed’ has side rails, and if you are co-sleeping, that there is plenty of room.
* The human brain is active during sleep, but the deepest sleep is typically at the beginning of the night.  Babies spend more time than older children in stimulating REM sleep, with eye movements and irregular breathing. Don’t worry about all that action in your child’s body – it too is growth.
* Start them young – do not ignore the importance of naps, watch for the yawn, and start bedtime early in the evening.

Just so you know 3 is so much worse than 2! That being said, stick to your guns! He is trying to see what he can get away with. Once he knows he will not get away with it, he will stop. You may separate the kids if have the space, but that is up to you. My 2 youngest still share a room, sometimes to disastrous results. DH wants to separate them, but I am not ready to lose my spare room!

Rochelle is right on the money- it's a phase- and threes are frequently WAY harder than twos. With two of my three there were sleep issues around this age- same as you describe.
I did exactly what Rochelle did- first I would sit right next to the bed- on the floor- and hold their hand or lay my head on the bed until they were ASLEEP. That got old very quickly but at least it was peaceful for everyone. Then I started sitting further away -if they woke panicky thinking I was leaving I would just say "I'm leaning against the dresser but I'm right here. My back needs the support." After a few more nights of that I might put a book on the bookshelf or a toy away and then sit by the door. Then I would sit outside the door-hall light on and read a magazine. If they panicked I would say "well, mommy wants to read while you go to sleep so I'm right here where the light is, but you can still see me and hear me flipping pages." At that point usually you just have to sit there a few nights and their sleep habit has gone back to normal.
Doing this is a huge pain- but not as big a pain as listening to kids getting in and out of bed every night and crying for weeks. Let him have books and quiet toys to play with if he needs them. He is afraid of something-real or imagined- and can't verbalize it and needs you to help him realize the world is not scary just because he's going to sleep.
Also - really monitor what he is watching on TV. (Even Disney "G" shows can be very frightening.) Seemingly innocent stuff to us when looked at through a three year old's eyes can be really scary and once they are quiet at night- those thoughts come back to them. But handle this right now and you'll save yourself many problems in the future!! Good luck!

SAME THING HERE!!! My daughter just turned 3 two weeks ago, and was always a wonderful sleeper, easy to go down, sometimes we would even hear her singing to herself as she fell asleep. Turned three and BAM, crying, screaming, almost panicing at bedtime. Freaks out when we head in for the bath, and like you say, nothing else has changed! We have found that it helps if we leave the door open to her bedroom now and leave the hall light on (she always had the door shut and dark room before). We also tell her that we will "check" on her, and make sure to go into her room and just give her a smile and a wave from the door a couple of times before she nods off. We still have trouble some nights, but for the most part, its getting a little easier with those couple of changes.

We have an 18 month old as well, but luckily for now they are in seperate rooms!

There seems to be a common theme among responses--what is it with these three-year-olds?! My recently turned three-year-old also has stopped being easy to get down at night. Before, I could read her a few books, take care of bathroom business, and tuck her into bed. Now, she screams and cries if we leave her in her bed alone (even when her older sister is on the top bunk also going to sleep), so every night either my husband or I must lie down with her until she goes to sleep. Even then, however, she wakes up almost every single night and gets into our bed at some point.

I tend to think this is all a phase and she'll eventually get back to her great sleeping ways. My two older girls have shared a room since the 3-year-old was a few months old, and there have periodically been phases where one or the other had trouble sleeping, and they (and dad and I!) have always gotten through them by just doing what needed to be done to keep the one waking up (or refusing to go to sleep) quiet enough not to wake up the other one. Plus, I've related this particular phase to two major events. First, part of her fear of nighttime started after we had a huge thunderstorm come through (the thunder was setting off a car alarm repeatedly on our street). Now both the 3-year-old and the 5 1/2-year-old are worried about it thundering during the night. Secondly, I was nearing the end of my pregnancy when this started, and we now have a 3-week-old baby sister in the house, so I feel like she's dealing with a big change in her life and this is one of the forms it's taking.

All of that said, I realize that this phase for your little one has already gone on for several months and you're ready for it to end! You could try some of the tactics I used when my oldest child wouldn't go to bed by himself (after co-sleeping with us for a couple of years). We had made a major step when he was about 2 1/2 from sleeping with us to sleeping in his own bed, though (like my daughter now), I had to lie down with him until he went to sleep. To get him out of that habit, I took baby steps in moving away from his bed: a few nights of sitting next to his bed holding his hand, a few nights sitting next to his bed by his feet, a few nights sitting a few feet away from the bed, a few more nights sitting by his door, and then finally moving out of his room entirely. I also used a sticker chart as a reward system: for each night that he went to bed by himself without calling for me more than once or getting out of bed, etc., he could add a sticker to his chart the next morning. By the time we completed two charts (the first one with fewer squares, the 2nd with more), he was used to going to sleep on his own.

Now I'm thinking if my toddler doesn't get out of this phase herself very soon, I will have to try the sticker chart with her, too!

Sorry for the long, rambling answer! I hope your sons get back to being good sleepers for you!

It's just a phase. He's trying to assert his independence and possibly get some attention. Unfortunately you will have to deal with this type of behavior on and off while he is growing up, but like others said stick to your guns. Do not give in and keep putting your foot down. Sounds like you already have a good technique. Not saying anything when putting him back in bed is hard, but it's the best thing. I'm sure sometimes behavior like this could be a result of some hurt feelings or scary episode, but most of the time it's just a normal phase and every kid I know has gone through this. (Especially the I forgot to tell you something, I'm thirsty, I'm hungry, my tummy hurts because I'm hungry.. you name it any excuse to get up!)

Hang in there!

Hi,
Gosh, so sorry to hear that your pleasant experience has turned difficult. I am a parent educator and teach Redirecting Children's Behavior. That class is authored by Kathryn Kvols. In RCB we teach folks to look at the unmet need (the WHY behind the behavior) driving a child's actions and then create strategies to help meet the unmet need instead of arbitrarily consequencing the behavior.

For example, one child started resisting bedtime because he was feeling unloved due to the birth of new sib. When mom and dad made special time for him earlier in the day, he stopped trying so hard to get those needs met at bedtime. Another child started having troubles at bedtime because daddy changed jobs and wasn't around as much, when the family addressed those issues, the bedtime became less problematic. Finally, another child started having trouble at bedtime because he had experienced a scary event and he was feeling less safe and secure. When mom and dad helped him work through the event using Emotional Freedom Techniques, he had less trouble at bedtime.

Here is an article by Kathryn Kvols about bedtime that I really like:
http://incaf.com/articles/Bedtime_Without_Hassles.pdf
Feel free to contact me directly if you would like any additional resources.
Blessings to you and your family,
K. Cavins
From the Heart Family Healing

Well my son is turning three and I am amazed at how different three is from two! We didn't have half the issues at two as at three. Our son has always been a champ sleeper and he went through something like this as well. Lasted a while and is better now. He still cries every night that daddy puts him to bed and wants me, but it is not an all out tantrum. I think at three they realize more and more that they have some power over their life and they want to exert it! I say just keep being consistent. We started a system of no story if he threw down and did a couple a times before he got his little act together. Sorry about your little on being disturbed, maybe tell him if he doesn't wake his brother by screaming you will give him a special sticker in the morning or something else small he likes. Bribery is the bomb when you want compliance without a screaming fest!;) Best wishes, I think it is just three year old stuff and will pass. I know how sudden and unsettling it can be, but it can pass just as suddenly too. Good luck!