I Am Raising My 8 Year Old Grand Son!

I am a first grade teacher, and I have had many students who come from a background without much structure. It takes time and consistency for them to adapt to rules and organization. Hang in there. It is so important for you to be consistent with your rules and consequences. I find it helpful to think of his discipline problems as missing skills. Teach him every step of what you want him to do and make it part of his routine. For example, if he loses his coat all the time, teach him to keep it in the same place at home and develop a routine at school. (When you get home, take your coat off and put it in the closet. When you go to school, wear your coat until you get to your classroom, then hang it on your hook.) Show him how you always check to make sure you have what you need before you leave home or the store. Maybe even make him a list of things he should have before he leaves school. Good luck! REmember that he is worth all your hard work, and with consistency he will adapt to his new home!

You are doing a great thing by raising your grandson! There may be several reasons why Ty has started acting out. Without knowing him, I can't tell you which one, but discovering the reason may help you reach some conclusions. He may be having a hard time dealing with such a big change. He may not know how to handle such strong emotions and this is the way his emotions are appearing--through his misbehaving. Be sure he has an adult he can open up to when he chooses and who he can trust. Sounds like you are doing a good job of that. Make sure he knows it's ok to feel the way he does, and which ways of expressing his feelings are appropriate and inappropriate. Also, many kids misbehave when they are not getting something they need. Does he need more one-on-one time with you? Does he need more independence? I can't tell without knowing him, but that may be something you and Ty can figure out together.

In addition, kids don't always realize it, but they do need and want limits. Limits help them to feel safe and secure. There need to be clear, consistent guidelines about how to live in your household. Everyone needs to follow these rules and be good role models. The consequences of not following the rules also need to be clear and consistent. Because he did not grow up with many rules thus far, he may be testing his new limits to see what is acceptable to you and what is not.

Logical consequences seem to work well. For instance, when you loose something, then you don't have it anymore and we can't run out and buy a new one. Making him go outside in winter without a coat would not be acceptable, but maybe he can do some chores to earn some money to put towards buying a new coat. In the mean time, maybe he can borrow one. This can help teach him responsibility.

Also, when deciding on the rules, decide what is important to you and don't sweat the small stuff too much. Make sure you choose your battles wisely. Always getting on his case and focusing on the negatives can damage his self esteem. Be sure you focus more on the positives with him and this will help build trust and a loving, respectful relationship.

wow, that's a hard one. First off, Thank you, for being able to take your grandson in and raise him. Granted this isn't the most opportune time for you to have another person in your house, but it is, what it is. If a crisis or need for intervention were ever convenient then it wouldn't be called a crisis.

Your grandson could be feeling so many different emotions right now and not know how to verbalize how he feels. Abandonement is the first thing that comes to my mind. He no longer is with his mother and being forced to live somewhere else. He's 8, he's not supposed to be equipped with the knowledge on how to address his feelings.

Of course he did real well in the beginning. He might have felt like he needed to or you would send him away like his mom did. Now, this might not be the real case, but to an 8 year old all he sees is what he did wrong to get sent away. That being said, he could feel comfortable enough with you to know you aren't going to send him away and is now trying to sort out his feelings. I'm guessing that he's upset about the situation with his mom and taking it out on you.

This child needs to know unconditional love from you, strength and boundaries. Demanding respect will not work, but showing respect to receive respect will pay off in the end. Also, he's 8 and been through a lot. I would continue on the path of showing him love, giving him hugs, and talking to him. Losing his coat isn't that big a deal, but what it represents is. He needs your attention but in a good way. Not the bad way about getting onto him about losing his coat. It's so much bigger than that and I know that since you have the love for the boy to bring him into your house that you also have the patience and love to help guide him in a more positive direction.

Please keep us posted.

E.

Ty is just trying to find out where his place is -- how far can he go before you will get rid of him too??? He is acting out because he feels sad, rejected, abandoned -- children show depression in a variety of ways - but acting out behavior is high on the list!!

Many of the suggestions you have received will help -- be sure you spend time letting him know that you love him and know that he can be independent, smart and do a fabulous job with the rules that are set out! And that you want to help him however he needs it. Let him help you make the pattern of things for him to do to follow the rules -- get him involved. He is not just *something* that should be expected to jump through hoops! He should be involved in developing what is expected in the household!!

Counseling for him is a MUST! And for you too! It would be wonderful if your daughter, son-in-law and Ty could attend counseling -- but if your daughter has no intentions of taking Ty back into the home, the counseling that would be most important at this point would be for TY!!! So he can understand that it was nothing that he did or that he is that caused or resulted in him being removed from his home to a new one -- and that there is nothing wrong with him - it was his mother's choice and behaviors that were involved. He is old enough to understand that - and it is very important.

One last thing -- in your note - you mentioned having three and A HALF grandkids -- you can't have a HALF a grandchild -- and you are only showing the same behaviors your daughter and son-in-law did if you describe your grandchildren differently -- i.e. grandchildren and step-grandchildren! They are ALL individuals you love and look at the same -- so you should try and remember to speak that way -- especially for Ty's sake. Remember -- he was referred to as the STEP-child by his step-father -- so he looks for those types of things.

Good luck!

D.,
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Best book I ever read is Parenting Children (another one for teens) with Love and Logic. I found it with the fourth of our 5 children and wish I'd had it available to me sooner.

God bless you,
D. R

Dear D.:
You may find my advise sort of harsh, but I promise it comes from the heart and from a wealth of experience. I am a 43 yr old who has a 23 yr old son. My mom is/was as loving, supportive, helpful as you are being now for your daughter and her son. May I tell you the long-range outcome? My oldest son and I no longer communicate like a mother and son. We are like brother and sister. That is not something I ever wanted for us because as much as I respect and admire my mother, she is a different parent than I am. I suspect you are the same. Kids (especially your adult daughter) do not need you to save them. She made an adult choice with an adult partner. If he is to immature to accept her son as he own than she needs to rethink that relationship. When a woman has children, she (whether or not its fair) becomes a package. If he is not prepared to handle that, I think through my own experience (and that of my son's) you coming in to be the savior is the worst case scenario. My son resents what he perceives as a choice of a lover over him. He also believes that he does not really need to work for anything because his grandparents somehow "owe" him something because we all conspired together to screw up his childhood. His perception is fairly inaccurate, but what I've come to realize is that it doesn't matter. Our children see things as they do and with very different eyes than I did as I see things very differently than did my mother and her mom before her. I grew up in the 70's and 80's. It was an incredibly selfish time. Still, we "Gen-Xers" have nothing on the generation that followed us. Your grandson is from still another generation.
My mother spoiled me. Every move she made concerning me came out of genuine love, but it was not always born of wisdom. We need to correct those mistakes with our kids aged 6-15, while there is still time.
If you can't feel comfortable telling your daughter to take responsibility for her own offspring, than perhaps at least have her offspring take responsibility for himself.
Once again, I'm sorry if this sound so harsh, but I've lived this life of yours and seen others live it too.
Good luck, D.. I wish you peace and love.
E. H.

I agree with the other's. LOVE is so important, unconditional. Disciple, or rather consistant rules and respect from both sides are so critical. Be consistant, be loving in your discipline, be firm, be flexible (in regards to when you can talk to him, how you talk to him, why you talk to him). I recently had a wake up call. I was starting to feel overwhelmed with my oldest and felt so negative, and realized my fun loving side the side that used to say wow good job and creating that mess and now let's pick up, was freaking out over things that I just pick up now out again. That wasn't me, or the mom I wanted to be. I was just frustrated and tierd. You might be feeling the same way. Take a hour or two and write down what type of "grandmother" you want to be and what you think he wants you to be. And try to make that person come out and play. You might be suprised what an attitude adjustment on your end can create on his.... Just a thought. Keep us updated!

Ask your DD if she has had a long, long talk with her husband. Our kids know at a very early age who loves them and who doesn't. Don't think he doesn't know why you have him and he's not at home. Kids are smart and they understand far more than we give them credit for. His acting out is a way to get attention, be it good or bad. Trust me, I would hate for any child to end up like one of our grandchildren did!

Wow! He's got to be going through emotional chaos, possibly feeling abandoned and afraid you might reject him as well. I know I would be if I were in his shoes. Could he be acting out defensively? Maybe if you could get him involved in some church youth activities...he would be around good influences, and maybe it would help for him to have one more place where he feels like he belongs. Good luck!

My heart goes out to your grandson. Think of it from his perspective. His own mother chooses her husband and his kids over him. It may have been more complicated than that but from an 8 year old's perspective, how can it be anything but that. I'm sure he wonders why he's such a bad kid, why no one wants him, why he's a burden so he's acting up. He's only playing the part that his mother has selfishly put on him. Under no circumstances would I EVER choose ANYONE over my own child.

That being said, its happened. Your grandson needs help to realize that he's a good person. He needs counseling at best and your understanding and love at least. He needs his mother to step back in his life and decide he's more important than anyone. Since that may not happen, I hope you show him that he IS loveable and that he IS special and help him to realize it is not his fault. Give him Positive attention when he is being a good kid, and loving, gentle reminders when he needs structure. Yes he needs structure and respect, but respect goes both ways. Also, six months is not a very long time. Give him a chance to adjust.

My husband and I adopted his nephew in December of 06, he has been living here since Jan 05 and is now 7. He also came from a family with no structure and no rules. It takes TIME and CONSISTENCY. Try to remember that while you know what you are doing is best for him, he doesn't. No matter how bad of a situation his home life was, that was his life. He wants to be with his momma, no matter how wonderful he thinks you are and how much he loves you. He is having to change his home, his caregiver, (and grandma now becomes mom? ) his rules, (and who do you think you are telling me what to do, no one else ever did?) possibly his school. . . That would be a lot for someone to ask me to do and he doesn't even have a choice. Be honest with him. ALways make a consequence for his actions. If he lies, call him on it and then tell him that because you cannot trust him to tell you the truth he cannot (whatever he likes to do or whatever it was he is lying about). If he tells you the truth, point that out and tell him how proud you are of him, and reward him if you feel he deserves to be rewarded with more than praise. We used sticker charts with a 3 strikes you are out type of deal. If he had 3 times during the day where he had to go to time out he had a sad day. We put a sad face on the chart for that day and he did not get a sticker. We had small rewards for 3 stickers and 5 stickers in a week and 7 stickers in a week got a speical treat on the weekends. We had a lot of no treat days/weeks, etc. BUT we don't even use a chart now and all of the behaviors that were inappropriate are gone. I would also suggest to you that you join a support group for kinship providers. You can probably call your local children's division and find a foster parent group or be hooked up with other people in your similar situation. THey are a wonderful resource for people in this situation because they have been through it too. Good luck and stay sane.

If it is at all possible, please get counseling for your grandson, daughter, and son-in-law. Many counseling offices offer a reduced rate based on your income if that is an issue. Look at it from your grandson's view: Stepfather loves his son, but not me. Now mom loves Stepfather and Stepbrother more than me. She's sent me away so she can create a new family without me. If you don't think that's what he's thinking, you're in serious denial.

Others are right, and I imagine you know this-- when you become a mother, EVERYONE else is second in importance to that child. Including yourself AND your husband (whether or not he's your child's father). It is our job as parents to care for our children. That includes finding out why our children are "misbehaving" and help them out of that pattern of behavior.

Your grandson needs to be integrated back into his family. A counselor will be able to help them find the best way to do this. If Stepdad isn't willing to do this, then Mother needs to make the decision to leave. Please help her see that her child needs to come first.

In the short term, while he is with you, just stick to your rules. It sounds like what he most needs is consistency. If possible, sit down with him and come up with a list of house rules TOGETHER. Also come up with a list of possible consequences for breaking the rules. They should be of varying degrees, from losing TV for the day, or the week, or having to do extra chores, etc. Then you can choose an appropriate consequence when you need to.

If you really want to teach him to have respect for you and for himself, have him help you come up with rules for yourself also (such as no yelling, take out the trash daily, or whatever). Your consequences could be to put a quarter in a jar for yelling, or an extra chore like washing the kitchen windows, etc. Then, when you catch yourself (or he catches you) not following the rules, point it out to him & own up to it. Tell him you forgot, and broke a rule, and now you are going to wash the windows to help you remember next time. But you have to be consistent in following the rules & consequences yourself so he can see that it applies to everyone.

By coming up with a list of rules & consequences together, he will take more ownership in working together as a family and he will see that EVERYONE in the household has to work together. The most important thing you can do to get a child to respect you, is to respect THEM. Best of luck to you and your family.

D....the first thing in my opinion is...your daughter needs to take a check on her self...this is her son...her husband knew she had him..so she dumped him like a stray dog..how do you expect him to act...someone needs to talk to her and her husband...put this child back with his mom and siblings...this is where he belongs...grand children are to be spoiled not made to mind. he not only doesn't have his mom he doesn't have you, because you are now the mother..
you need to have a set down with your daughter and son in law..no mother should put a man first. this child needs to go home.

Hi D.. My biggest advise is to attend a Love and Logic Parenting class through the schools. I don't know where you are at (State and school district) but you can contact your local school counselor and they'll let you know about it. Hope this helps. It has helped me and my son is 8 ;). Melissa

I would get down to his eye level and explain to him you have confidence he can keep track of things and show him how to put his hat and gloves in his coat pocket. And make a chart and put on the frig. Tell him for each day you dont loose or forget your coat you can earn points to get a new toy or a movie or a game. Give him the assurance you believe he can do it. Tell him if not then there will also be consequences. And then take away things. also let him know we love you here and love having you here but there are rules and you must follow them they are there because we want you to grow up responsible. He may be seeing what he can get away with or he may feel out of place and this is his way of expressing it. Ask him is something bothering you. Lets talk. Let him get it out. Sounds like his other home is unstable. Good luck

Sounds to me like he is just testing his and your limits. My 6yr old grandson that we adopted did the same thing. He wanted to make sure that no matter what we would keep him, and not get rid of him for being or doing something "bad". If this is what he is doing it should subside fairly soon, as long as he knows that he is loved and wanted not just taken care of.

I have been there with my grandaughter, her mother abanded her with a step father, I let her talk about what was bothering her and let het make some choices of her own, letting her know you love him every day even when they are bad helps,Samantha is a lot better now but it took alot of hugs and kisses, to pull her threw it. B.

Hi D. I have a 9 year old nephew he was doing the same thing we just stayed on top of him he won't take care of his stuff to bad don't bye no more he will learn eventually you mean business I like a lot of nanny 911 stuff on wed. nights me and his mother and my daughter have regained control his mom could do better sticking to the punishments takes everybody to be consistent we give him no warning now he knows the rules No tv,no game boys no games period if he dosen't mind chores!!!!has helped I believe chores is good for kids my 3 year old grandson has chores we watch his sugar intake,bedtime at 7 oclock we found out not enough sleep because of school he gets in trouble at school he gets in trouble at home we put him in sports we just keep him bust Good Luck