Ok so here's the deal. In May my husband & I agreed to help out a family member. We allowed her to come and live with us and it was supposed to be very temporary. She moved in the first week of June and was supposed to move out by the end of July or beginning of August. Well it's now mid November and she is still here. The situation is kind of complicated. She doesn't make enough money to live on her own so she always rents rooms from her friends and family. Well in April she had a heart stent put in which kept her from work for about a month...so she fell behind on everything. So she came to me and asked if I could help her get back on her feet because I am very good with finances and money. So I agreed to help her with her accounts and paying her bills. She asked me to handle all of her bills and her checking account and so I do. But I also took her debit card and check book away from her by her request to control her spending. The heart procedure created a good amount of bills that I had to work with the medical agencies to set up payment arrangements. Then because of all the time off and money lost from being out of work she used her credit cards. She doesn't have the greatest credit so the cards she had were charging ridiculous amounts for interest alone. So I decided I had to do a balance transfer to one of our credit cards that had a better interest rate to help her out. But she would still make the payments to our credit card. Now she is almost done paying the credit card and her medical bills but at the same time still living with us. With the economy the way it is and being that my husband works in the auto industry his income has declined to half of what it was normally. So needless to say we are struggling to raise our family and to make ends meet...it's been rough adjusting to everything. And at the same time we supply all the groceries, laundry detergent and everything else it takes to live day to day to his aunt. We would like to able to get our house back to normal without hurting her feelings or making her feel like we don’t want her here. But in this day and age it is hard enough to keep a marriage together and raise good kids without any additional stress from anything else. She creates some stress on me because she depends on me not just for the things I already mentioned but also she will have a major attitude with me if she asks me for money and she doesn’t have any I tell her “I’m sorry but you don’t have any money” she get mad, she gets mad if I am doing laundry and leave the house while the clothes are in the dryer she takes them out and throws them all on my bed in a bundle to make sure they get really wrinkled, I don’t appreciate that. We went out of town and she had a male friend come over to stay with her and she didn’t think it was necessary to mention it to us, we found out by accident. She uses the kitchen but very rarely cleans up after herself or she will bring her lunch box in from work and throw her empty container and silverware in the sink like it’s my responsibility to clean it up. I have to go put gas in her car for her because I can’t give her the debit card for fear that she will go on a spending spree and throw her account into overdraft and have a bunch of bank charges. But then she will call me from work and in a rude voice tell me that I have to call her doctor to make an appointment for her and give me the number, then when I ask why doesn’t she just call she tells me she can’t be on the phone at work…well what is she doing calling me then? There is more but I think you all can get the point from here and I am asking what do I do? I want to go get a place on her own but she has no money for deposits and she can only afford at maximum $300.00 a month for rent. She has been living with us rent free and we pay for everything just trying to help her out so she could pay off her bills and get a place of her own but now we don’t know how to handle this situation. I am worried that her problems are going to start affecting my marriage and I cannot and will not have that. I am happily married to a man that I am totally in love with for the past 9 years but we have been together for 16 years. So far our love for each other has overcome anything that has been thrown at us but I am scared this could cause friction between us because of everything not just her, she is just adding to the stress of the economy. I will read everyone’s responses and I hope it will help me get some clarity of what to do. Thank you in advance for reading my novel and for any suggestions.
WOW. What an unhealthy situation this is! I'm floored that an adult can get away with what she is getting away with. I absolutely would not tolerate this situation for one minute, and while you're doing it out of loving concern, it certainly isn't doing her any favors. What it's really doing is helping her remain irresponsible. I couldn't agree more with Steph C's assessment of the situation. Please take her wonderful advice.
Wow. This woman has clearly spent a lifetime cultivating her co-dependency and it sounds like her "friends and family" have done nothing but enable it.
Listen closely, K., because this is important...
She.is.not.your.problem.
Now I know that sounds heartless, but you have to understand something. She is a grown adult that has not matured past adolescence. She cannot handle her own finances, her own housing, or any of her personal business. I'm honestly surprised she manages to wipe her own rear-end.
Surely you've asked yourself why she is the way she is? Well, the answer is simple...nobody has ever forced her to grow up. It sounds like you're just one in a long line of family members that has sought to help this woman, so what on Earth makes you think that YOU can somehow teach her how to take care of herself and move out into the world voluntarily?
Let's be clear about one thing. This is America, not some third-world country. Nobody starves to death in America (unless it's by choice). Nobody lives on the streets (unless it's by choice.) Does she have too many bills and not enough money? It's called Bankruptcy. Do her medical problems keep her from earning a proper income? It's called Disability. Can she not afford her own place on $300? They're called ROOMMATES! Or even housing assistance, if she's willing to apply. Does her lack of education keep her from earning a decent income? It's called College and the government will pay for all of it in the form of low interest student loans (that do NOT depend on your credit score and are deferred while you're in school) and even a wonderful thing called a Pell Grant.
The point is, K., that this woman clearly has options. She is choosing to live the way she does because it's just how she is. Some people are like that. They use other people until they wear out their welcome and then move onto the next victim. She will NEVER change, not as long as you continue to enable her behavior. What she needs is tough love. Unfortunately, even if you decide to give that to her and kick her out, there will probably be another family member that will cave in to her. But again, that's not your problem.
Your priorities are with your husband and your boys. Period. And there is NO way that you can continue to be a good wife and mother with this woman bleeding you dry...financially, physically and emotionally. It is not a healthy situation for anyone, including her.
I think you know what you have to do, but you're just too dang tenderhearted to do it. Well then, don't do it for yourself...do it for your family. And if validation and support are what you need, then you're sure to get it here. Only a complete nut-job would tell you to continue supporting this leech.
It doesn't really matter how you do it, just so long as you get it done. Tell her the truth, or a version of it...that you can no longer afford to have her live with you and you need her to leave. Surely someone with her background can understand financial difficulties. If it makes you feel better, tell her that you'll always be there to provide emotional support and advice...just not room and board.
I'm sure it's not the first time she's been sent packing so please don't worry about her. People like that always manage to land on their feet...usually in someone else's home. And please don't feel like a bad person, K.. You have already done more than most people would ever have considered. You are obviously a kind and compassionate individual...just the type that people like your "relative" love to take advantage of. If you're into doing good deeds, go volunteer with a charity. Go help an elderly person cross the street. Heck, since you clearly have a lot of love to give and a desire to care for others, you could even consider becoming a foster parent.
But don't waste your kindness on being this woman's doormat. Because that's exactly what it is...a waste.
Good luck to you.
Hi K., I don't mean to sound harsh but it kind of sounds like you signed on to raise a teenager. I can really relate to you having better money skills and wanting to help her but what you actually did was do it for her. I can't speak to anything about her behavior because it sounds like she just needs to grow up, maybe hitting the streets to try and find her next place to live will help. She was looking for somewhere to live when she found you, she will find another place. No one is ever a victim, she is not a victim of circumstance and you are not a victim of her. You sound like you have a great heart, let her go and focus and your very understanding husband and kids. Good luck to you, and to her.
K., it sounds like you are a very kind, caring woman. That's when it is hard when someone you love takes advantage of you. It sounds like she takes advantage of everyone. I think that it is definitely time for you to say the following, "Aunt (?), we have been happy to help you out temporarily, as you requested. You are now caught up on your bills, and are ready to be on your own. I'm afraid that, with the cut in my husband's pay, you will either need to pay us rent of $500 (or whatever) AND do some household chores, or find another place to stay. These are the only conditions on which you can stay with us at this point. I'll expect a decision by Sunday. If you stay, I will take the rent from your account and assign you chores. Any other condition will mean that you need to leave by December 1st. We love you and want to help, but we cannot now help in any other way." BE FIRM! Do NOT say anything else! Repeat it over and over until she sees that you mean it. Remember - YOUR family is MORE important than she is, so you CAN do it! You are actually showing her love by requiring her to be independent. You would want your own kids to learn independence, so it is very helpful for her to learn it. She is rude because she has no respect for herself or anyone else. She needs to learn that. She will probably mess up her credit again, but that has nothing to do with you! You did her a HUGE favor - one that would cost her several thousand dollars, if she went to a professional advisor, so don't think that you didn't help her! One more thing, you know that she is teaching your kids to be rude to you, don't you? If she continues to be rude - and you allow it - it could cause harm to your children's lives. Do NOT allow her to do it. Rudeness is not tolerated. You love her, but will not tolerate it. She will move out on December 1st, otherwise. Your kids/ husband will be so relieved, and you can get on with your life, which is hard enough. Thank you for being so kind, but do not let your family learn that rudeness is okay. You can do it!
K., I really have no advice for you, but I wanted to tell you that you are a saint! I have an uncle who has kind of bounced around between friends and family doing the same thing (sort of using them and spitting them out). It is thankless, and no matter what you decide to do, it will be difficult. But, I believe you will be greatly blessed for all that you have already done for her!
You are a giving and kind person. I think you need to set some ground rules. Sit down with her and talk to her about how she treats you and say since you have helped her that you expect some respect in return and that she should be helping around the house. Give her a timeline to move out. She is "codependent" and as long as everyone helps her, she will never learn to live on her own. Help her advertise or look for a situation with a roommate so her rent isn't so expensive. You need to get her out of your home for your sake and hers.
You and your husband are great people for taking in his aunt. It sounds as though she is starting to take advantage of the situation now. You have done all you can. You are not doing her any favors by continuing the situation. Sounds like you have helped her make great strides, now it is time for her to make them on her own. No matter how you tell her, she will be upset, but you have to do it for your own family. You and your family come first! I think a fair way to do it would be to give her a time-frame. Two months and she's out or whatever you think is reasonable. Don't make it too lengthy though because she will get too comforatable, she's needs a fire lit under her ass!
Steph C and the other responders gave you some tremendous advice, so I won't add to it. However, I highly recommend that you read the book "Boundaries" by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. It is brilliant and the perfect prescription for your situation to help you gain the strength and perspective you need to do the difficult but right thing for you, your family, and your aunt. You can find it at any bookstore or your library. I suggest you read through that quickly to get your bearings before approaching her so you won't be manipulated by her response and guilted into continuing in this destructive way.
My heart breaks for her and her situation, so I do not write this lacking compassion for her. However, you must realize that people like her are masters of manipulation, so please prepare yourself first or you could really get bamboozled and end up worse off than before. Plus, being the kind and caring person that you are, it will really explain how setting boundries for yourself is the most loving thing that you can do for all involved and you will need the reinforcement and encouragement that this book provides. I wish youthe best! :)
Dear K.,
It sounds to me like she is taking advantage of your kind heart. You have done a lot to help her get back on her feet and now she seems to be reliant on you for everything. Maybe it's time to ask her what her game plan is and set a deadline for leaving for good. Maybe she can get some public aid housing since she makes so little money. If she is not serious about leaving, let her know you are concerned for your families well being and it's time to hit the road. I know you are concerned about hurting her feelings, but she hasn't necessarily treated you well at times. I hope everything works out.
Do what you feel works for you. The other person - there are resources Social Security, Welfare, Sec 8 housing, debt consolitation place, etc. If you are not happy, express it in a loving way. Someone one said to me, you either need to accept it, change or go on. D. J. :)
Hi- she is acting like a disgrunted teenager and you are enabling her - but she is an Adult and she needs to live like one - she is not your child Nor your responsibility - she can live in a cheap motel for around $300 and there she can live as she wants - if you want to be nice let her know she has 2 weeks notice and if you want, help her find a hotel or room on Craigs List - you have done ALL you can do - she needs to step up, take her life back and do what SHE is going to do, you have shown her the financial way, and YOU need your life back - don't back down or You will be Divorced or seperated and SHE will Still be there living OFF you and your husband will be living on His own - NOT what you want - and BOTH you and your husband should explain to her if she is his family - just explain it nicely, firm, and that she can call with Questions but not for handouts - except if she needs food, but she CAN go on Food Stamps, State Aid, Access, Disability?, Subsidized Housing maybe, food banks, etc - Good Luck and be Firm but supportive :)
I'll bet you would feel completely differently about her if she helped around the house, acted grateful and was not rude. I would give her choice: behaving civilly and doing certain household chores regularly and without fail, or leaving. Be prepared to pack up her things and put them on the doorstep, too! You may actually have to do it for her to change her attitude.
As for moving out permanently, someone else has suggested looking into public housing and roommates. If she has a good attitude, she will do this research herself, and you can help her. If her attitude is bad, she'll have to do it herself anyway when you make her leave!
