Pregnant and in a Very Difficult Situation

What an awful spot to be in. I think you are seeing the obvious now, that your mother is cruel and abusive and a lifetime of that probably contributed to you being attractive to a husband who is also cruel and abusive. Abusive people sense vulnerability and move on it like prey.

You should be able to get temporary orders for child support an possibly spousal support (if there is a big enough difference in pay between you and your husband) right now. You don't have to wait for the divorce to be final - there are guidelines in your state for how much he should be paying you. Find those online, run the calculations, and see if that plus your paycheck are enough to get a small place for you, your son and the baby. See if you qualify for any sort of public assistance

As much as this sucks, you're going to have to stand on your own two feet and not rely on your abusive mother and husband. You have to break free of them. You can do this - it will be hard, but you can.

i'm so sorry to hear this. having taken a brave and intelligent step by getting you and your son out from an abusive marriage, it sucks that you're now being abused again.

your mother has a right to her opinion, but i'm glad you made your own decision about your pregnancy. it's beyond the pale that she tried to force her opinion on you. and it sucks even worse that instead of accepting what she can't change with grace, she's trying to punish you daily.

don't go back to your husband. if he was abusive before, he will certainly become more so now, with your 'desertion' of him to fuel his anger and your financial helplessness to hold over you in his whip hand.

and double the kids' lives and psyches to destroy.

contact a women's shelter. that's your first step. you were unsafe with your husband and you're psychologically unsafe with your mom. you may not end up in a shelter but they are well versed in what solutions and assistance is out there for you.

do you have other family members you could turn to? are you able to relocate? can you network within your corporation to help put together child care, different hours, a different location, a more flexible schedule? talk to your HR department, they may resources that aren't well known.

good luck, hon. you're in a tough spot, but you've been brave and pro-active in a tough spot before and you'll figure this one out too. i'm rooting for you.

khairete
S.

It is YOUR baby, YOUR responsibility and YOUR decision.

Can you not afford to live someplace alone? It sounds like your mother is toxic and that environment is doing nothing positive for you, your 7 yr old and your unborn. You don't need the extra stress and in my opinion, your mother is being abusive to you .

You'd be better off in a woman's shelter where you get support, learn how to be stable and manage what you have. No one can be productive when you have someone consistently tearing you down. Show your 7 yr old how strong you really are and go make this a positive. File or child support. Your children deserve a stable environment and you can do it.

File an order to show cause (OSC) for child support. You don’t need an attorney to file this and depending on your income you might qualify for a fee waiver to waive filing fees. Most courts in CA have self-help centers with attorneys who can help you find the right forms to file. Or if you know which ones you can print them out yourself at www.courts.ca.gov/forms. Click on Family Law - motions and attachments. The fee waiver forms can also be found here.

Be aware that when a parent files for child support, the other parent will fight for more custodial time with the child. This is because the amount of child support is inversely related to the custodial time — more custodial time equals less in child support and vice versa.

If you are afraid of your husband, you can also file for a restraining order — the self help center attorneys may be able to help you or provide referrals.

Seek assistance from a women’s shelter. They may be able to provide you with additional referrals and give you some emotional support.

I think it would be am improvement if you could find your own place to live - and not with hubby.
Going back to him should not be an option.
Your moms attitude is abusive toward you and that pressure isn't good fr you and your kids
Talk to a women s shelter.
They should be able to help you find an apartment and help you with finding legal advice.
And your soon to be ex husband should be paying support for the kids - that money could help with housing - that's what part of support money is for.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like you went from an abusive marriage into an emotionally abusive situation with your mom.

Your mother probably feels in some weird way that she's helping you - by being tough, but it's so warped that she doesn't realize she's being abusive. This is how it goes. It's how you ended up with an abusive husband. Counseling for you when you're ready would be good.

I agree with Suz. Call a women's shelter or reach out to a friend or another relative.

Women's shelters and help can be supportive, encouraging and empowering. Just what you need. It sounds bleak and scary I know. I volunteered years ago at a program that helped kids from abusive homes. They were filled with caring people who wanted to help.

There are hotlines (I'm sure a mom will give you the info) to call where you can at least take the first step. Do that today - just to know your options. You will feel more in control.

Good luck, best to you and keep us posted :)

While your mother is handling it very badly, I'm sympathetic to her situation as well. It sounds like she is a mere months away from retirement and starting a new chapter in her life, and due to the choices that you have made, she is basically back to the beginning with taking care of babies and supporting you financially. Additionally, if her income is going to decrease with retirement, she is probably concerned about the extra financial burden you and your situation brings to the table - it isn't like she can work extra hours once she is retired to make up for what she gives you if she is living on a fixed income and possibly a finite amount of savings.

You are an adult woman, with a job and children. It is up to you to provide for yourself and family. It is up to you to get the temporary support order in place for your soon to be ex-husband. Why isn't HE picking them up after school and daycare once the baby is born? Why would assume that your mother be responsible for this when your kids have 2 capable parents?

You need to take responsibility for your choices.

You went from an abusive mother to an abusive husband back to an abusive mother. You cannot stay with her as she has made it obvious that you are not welcome, and, personally, I think I'd rather find a women's shelter than stay with her or go back to an abusive husband. If you are working 9-6 in a corporation, do you not make enough money for a small apartment of your own?

I'm sorry for your situation.
But of course you know when YOU decide to have a baby it is YOUR responsibility. If you cannot care for a child physically and financially you should give it up for adoption. That is the loving and unselfish thing to do.
An abortion would have been unpleasant but for sure what you are doing is much, much harder. I hope you are able to connect with a loving couple who can give your baby what you cannot.

Please call a women's shelter and get the help you need.

MOVE OUT of your "mom's" house! You, your unborn baby and your son, DESERVE BETTER!!! You married an abuser. You married what was "comfortable" to you because your mom abused you. it was your normal. Then you had an epiphany and woke up! GOOD FOR YOU!!

NOW ONLY MOVE FORWARD!! DO NOT MOVE BACK!! DO NOT SETTLE!!

It will be hard for a couple of years. However, you can do this. You can do it on your own. You HAVE to want to. Don't feel sorry for yourself. LEARN from your mistakes. DO NOT make the same choices. Get a counselor so you can learn more about you and what NOT to do!!

Ugh. Your mom is being cruel. She is not a nice person. Please do not listen to her. I really think you'd be so much better off with your own place. Do you have girlfriends or mom friends who can help? We never lived near family and I would get a friend to help by picking up my son when I couldn't get off work. Later I hired a nice woman who owned a home day care whose son went to the same preschool and she would pick up my son too. Do you have any other family members who can help? I hope that you get child support soon...do you know when this will kick in because that will help you a lot. You sound like a very level headed person. Yes, therapy would help whenever you feel like you can afford it (keep looking for free or low cost therapy or even try out online therapy). Do you have a local women's shelter or a church you can talk to about finding a place to stay? Start asking around. Even ask at your work...you never know. A couple churches here have apartments/living quarters for people who need a place to live rent free for a while till they can get on their feet. I'm so sorry. Let people know. Spread the word. Your friends. Your church or other churches. Or ask friends/coworkers to ask if their church has some kind of help. Anywhere else you can think of. I am hoping your community can step up and offer you help. Remember...you have to get through the baby/toddler/preschool years and then you will have 2 kids in school and life will be easier. So you just have to somehow make things work for 5 years. Find out what your child support will be...this will help you a LOT.

Wow, your mother sounds like a real witch (not the actual word I planned on using, but I am trying to be kind). She should be congratulating you for finally leaving that man and do everything possible for you to work on improving yourself and/or finding housing for your kids, it would benefit her too in the long run so she can have her freedom back. Can you find an efficiency or a room you can rent from someone? I'd try my best to get away from that negativity, it's not a good environment for you or your son. Can a co-worker rent out a room for you? Maybe someone could use the extra income, especially if they have lots of expenses or an empty cottage/in-law quarters on their property. If a women's shelter is your last resort, do it. Please don't go back to your ex-husband, unless you don't mind possibly leaving your son an orphan, and you baby girl having no chance at life.

I feel for you, it IS a tough situation.

I definitely think you should eliminate any thoughts of going back to your husband. You and your kids could be in jeopardy living with him.

Do you give your mom any money or help her around the house? If not, you could start by doing both, despite her attitude, which I find very cold and uncaring. In the end, nobody can decide for you on what to do, but the idea of getting help with your self esteem does strike me as a good one. I think it best to talk to friends or family that are good to you, or seem to care about you. If this is not possible, speak to a professional. They could be the best way to decide what to do. On one hand, I think you could consider giving your child to an adoption group that is trustworthy. Get opinions, do research. Make sure she will be taken by people who would love her like their own child. To me this seems like the most loving thing you could do for all involved. But if you think you could find a different living arrangement, there may be hope for keeping the family together. Many moms raise children on their own, but the living arrangement you are now in, doesn't sound very conducive to parenting two children. Do you have friend or aunt who would help you out? I really wish you luck and much happiness in the future.

Your mother sounds as abusive as your husband.

You do need to get out of your mom's house. And honestly, I wouldn't go back with the way she treats you. You are absolutely right that your son shouldn't be hearing this.

Now, I know this is a hard thing to ask, but have you considered letting a family adopt the baby? You are in a bad position, and you know that. It would be a loving thing to allow the baby to be raised by a loving couple.

It is true that your mother is not responsible for you and the baby. She is an absolute beotch for the way she is telling you this, but she is done raising kids and doesn't want the responsibility. So you have to find another place to live and a way to manage on your own. Please do this immediately. And whatever you do, DON'T go back to your abusive husband.

M.,

You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Not from your own mother. Not from your husband. Not from anyone.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to make your mother or your husband change. That's a hard reality to face, I know, but you must.

Call a women's shelter and explain your situation. They are the ones you can count on to help you through this very difficult period in your life and get you back on your feet so you can live the life you deserve and be the mom your children deserve.

This is probably the last thing you want to do, but you are in a situation right now where there is no turning back. Not to your abusive mom. Not to your abusive husband.

Calling the shelter is the one thing you CAN do to turn your life around from misery to hope. And there IS hope. The staff at the shelter will be able to acquaint you with counseling and all of the other services that you qualify for in your area. Make sure you take advantage of what is offered. You sound like a bright, hard-working, loving mom who just wants to make things better for you and your kids, and this is the way to do that so you will never again have to be at the mercy of or rely on abusive people.

Wishing the best for you, your son, and your soon-to-be born daughter.