Seeking Advice for 12 Year Old Son Who Is Lashing Out at Home..

Consistency is key... keep up with the grounding and taking his possessions away. Sooner or later he will understand that his actions come with consequences. When babysitting my nephew, if I took a toy from him due to his bad behavior, he had to earn it back with good behavior. For him, it worked a lot better than holding his items for a certain amount of time. Don't be afraid to turn around and take something back either. If he gets mad and gives you an attitude, give him the option to explain his actions in a respectful manner. Maybe that will 1. show him that his actions were not justified 2. shed some light on what might be really bothering him and 3. teach him to handle issues with respect, and patience. It probably will take a while to get the picture clear, act this way and lose your privelages, we can either talk about it and you can earn it back or you can learn to live without. Don't let up. Also, the best advise anyone has ever given me is this: the most powerful word in the world. You have every right in the world to say no. Not just to your kids but to anyone. Saying no gives you power over yourself.

I hope this helps you as much as it has helped me... good luck!

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. You said he behaves long enough until he gets his possessions back, so at least taking them away helps, so the second the attitude starts back up the punishment does, too. Just make sure he understands the concept of rights and responsibilities. He has the right to a roof over his head, healthy food to eat, etc but beyond the basics of survival the rest are privilages. You have responsiblities as his parent but he also has responsibilities as a member of the family. Make sure he has chores and that he does not take for granted the things you do for him and the things he "gets". My son is a boy scout and a member of the local chapter of the Red Cross Teen Corps. Doing community service projects helps put things in perspective for him sometimes, and gives him an opportunity to remember that the world does not revolve around him. Make sure you keep close tabs on his computer/internet use. I have passwords for everything my kids use and they know I check their Facebook accounts every now and then, and I check their "friend" list to make sure they really only add people they know. This is a huge age with peer pressure. Make sure you know who he is spending time with, both in person and online. Keep up the good work. This preteen age has been the hardest for me by far!

At first thought, i would have assumed it was puberty too, but also i was thinking maybe he has something going on within himself, something that he wants to let out, but does not feel yet comfortable expressing it at home. I think maybe someone should have a talk with him and see what is on his mind, even if it seems u have to pull teeth to get anything out. If that doesnt work, then i think your best bet is to continue to take his possessions away or ground him, whatever works best... Good luck!

Two thoughts:

1. If he behaves long enough to get his privileges back and then resorts to the bad behavior again, he's not losing the privileges long enough. Each punishment needs to be longer in duration because he's not "suffering" enough to be motivated to change.

2. He may have an underlying issue and is basically holding in his anger and frustration during school and then letting it out in the "comfort" of his home. He may or may not be targeting you. If you are feeling threatened, then you need to have him evaluated and counseled - sooner rather than later. He is past the point of physical restraint by you - so other techniques are indicated. Find out if he has something else going on. BTW friends of mine solved their son's rages through nutritional enhancement. It's one way to go before you go into drugs and so on.

You need to be consistent to a fault. If he acts up, he loses xyz or gets grounded or whatever. You can't give him an inch. Middle school is the worst age - they are testing boundaries and limits pretty much every second of the day they are awake.

If he doesn't seem to want to behave after he gets his possessions back, you could remove every single thing from his room including the door. Leave him is mattress, sheets and pillow. He will earn each and every item back with good behavior. If he backslides, you take the most treasured item away first... :-)

It's nasty, but it works... quite well I might add. The thing is that you need to warn him. Tell him that next time he acts up, he's going to lose it all. Say nothing more. When he acts up - and he will - empty out that room.

BTW: If he has his own computer, take it away immediately. He is probably getting into things he shouldn't be seeing... All boys do it, but it leads to huge problems.

YMMV
LBC