Earning It Back. Do You Do It?

I'm not there yet, as my daughter is only 2, but my concern would be that they will do what they want, and then just earn it back, and not really have consequences for their actions. Again, I'm not there yet, so my opinion may change.

I have never let them earn it back. If they are bad, they get something taken away. If they are good, well, they should have been good to begin with! If they can earn it back, they are getting the impression that they can 'right' a 'wrong', and I don't think that is good for them. They have to know they did something wrong and they are getting in trouble for it.

A system of punishments and rewards is important. In my home we reward good behavior and punish bad behavior. We also make certain the two are not necessarily related because the kids in my house would begin to plot and plan on doing this great thing over here to try to earn back what was taken from them over there. The purpose of punishment is to deter the child from that particular behavior. So in your example, I would follow through everytime with the punishment. After the punishment has been served then and only then can we begin to earn the right and the priviledge of doing the fun stuff of hanging with friends again and perhaps even earn more by doing more. I hope this helps.

Hello, My kids are all grown, but I have babysat all of my local grandkids and had custody of one for three years. I also did licensed daycare. All of these children were treated as my own. Anyway, I have allowed them to earn back things, but not activities. That is because I won't take away activities unless it is the last resort. Once that is gone, it is gone. The possessions are able to be earned back, but I tell them when I take them. I'm not saying my way is the only way, but I know that it works for me. You have to do what you are comfortable with.
Good luck with your precious son.
K. K.

Depends on what it is. If I take my daughter's MP3 player or the other one's camera away, or computer time, for an extended period of time, then they can earn it back by correcting their behavior or doing extra things to show they know what they did was wrong. But when it is a one day thing, no. And sometimes, absolutely not.
My girls fight/argue like you would not believe. Sometimes I want to duct tape them together to make them get along. One time in January I had taken my little one to run to Target and I was gone less than 5 minutes. I got a call from my husband who was not home. The girls were arguing and shoving each other. They broke a window on the door that separates our frontroom from the rest of the apartment. This is going to cost to replace as the window is only half of the door and was original to the building. They were grounded for 3 weeks, no computer, no MP3, no art supplies, and no outside with their friend. I refused to drop any of it even though they tried to negotiate. I cannot wait to get the bill for them to repay me when I fix that door.

My son is to little now, but I htink that is a good idea.

Kinda wish my parents had used that concept!

Depends on the situation. In your example, no I would not (unless it was THE first time it happened). If for example their punishment was for a week, I may tell them at the start of the punishment that if they are behaved (if that was the problem) or did well on the test (if their grades were low) they could possible "earn it back" meaning they may be off punishment after 3 or 4 days or at least by the weekend. If it was a situation where they couldn't go to a dance, a party, etc. because their punishment was a week that ended in a bigger event I would normally let them have an opportunity to earn it back with excellent behavior.

Hi D.,
We used to do this with our boys but ultimately decided to stop b/c they would often focus on 'can we earn it back???' instead of the situation at hand...
So now, when they recieve a punishment, it stands. Works MUCH better for us, and I think they focus more on the bad decision (as we usually call it) rather than 'making it go away' :-)
Every family and kid is different though. Good luck! (my boys are now 1st and 3rd graders BTW)

I think kids should be able to "earn" things back to an extent, but if you say, "You wouldn't come in when you were supposed to, so you cannot play with your friend tomorrow" then you have to stick with it. Give them chores or something else to do and if they do it without grumbling, etc, they can earn back playing for the day after the punishment.
If your goal is to teach a child to come in when called and the consequence is not having the friend play the next day, caving and letting them "earn" it back and do it anyway lets the wind out of the consequence sails.
"If you don't eat some of your vegetables, you can't have any dessert."
You can't let the kid "earn" dessert back by helping fold some laundry instead of eating some of their vegetables. It's just my opinion, but that gives a child the message that they don't have to do what they don't want to do. They can do something else and still get what they want anyway.
Like I said, that's just my opinion.
I raised two kids by myself and when I said something, I meant it. I needed my kids to know that I would follow through. They would have had me run into the dirt.
Consequences only work if you are willing to follow through.

Best wishes.

Yes, I always give my children an opportunity to earn back privileges. However, its NOT easy. And we do keep a chart so they can see their progress.

They know there are no INSTANT fixes. No pill to make it go away and right again.....things MUST be EARNED.

I say gone is gone...rules that you lay down have to be 100% enforceable for them to be effective.

D.,

I think the best reminder to your son when it did not come when you asked him, is to have the consequence be that the next day, he can't play outside.

The "earn it back option", in my humble opinion, should be if you take his video games, computer, tv time, etc. away. Not for disobeying about coming in when he's been asked.

There was a time when kids could play outside until almost dark without any worry. Those times have passed. We need to know where our kids are and with whom they are playing.

Blessings.....

Did not read any other responses, so if this is a repeat, I apologize. I am a huge fan of earning it back, but only after the consequence has been "paid", so to speak. In the situation you described wrt your friend & the child not coming in...the consequence is clear and needs to be kept. In this situation, the expectation is that the child is always supposed to listen and follow the rules, so listening and behaving for one morning is the norm, not the "earn it back" opportunity. Other situations: A child is asked to pick up his trains so we can get ready for bed. After multiple times of asking/cajoling/offering to help and the trains are still not picked up...the parent can pick up the trains & put them in a cupboard saying, "you can earn these trains back when you show me that you can pick up your toys at the end of playtime for the next three days" or something like that. After 3 days, if all the toys have been picked up at the end of playtime, the trains are returned to the child. Each day, I would help the child be successful with little reminders: Ok, it's day 1 and I see you have picked up all your toys, that means only 2 more days to go, picking up your toys, and you get your trains back. This allows the child a choice. "If I want my trains back, I need to pick up my toys." I don't ever say anything to guilt them into picking up the toys, "Oh your trains miss you, too bad you didn't pick up your toys...whatever" That is not helpful to anyone, and rarely a motivator. At the beginning of playtime, I also remind the child that he working toward getting his trains back and ask if he remembers what he is supposed to do in order to earn them back. Just be realistic, do what feels like a natural consequence for the situation, and never act in anger or frustration. Peace, B.

I used to-it doesn't work. i do not do it any more. Now, if I saw it they know i mean it.

Almost always, whatever natural consequence they get for poor behavior will stand. Because of this, one warning is all I ever need to give to get them to fly right. It's very rare that they go far enough to lose something.

I will make an exception if they've lost something really big (or something that affects another innocent kid like a playdate) and give them a chance to earn it back, but they really have to earn it. Half-hearted attempts are not accepted.

I think this teaches them that there are consequences for our actions, BUT it's also never too late to try and "make things right."

It completely depends on what all the circumstances are around here. There are times whenit doesn't matter what they do they don't earn it back and other times where they can earn it back.
IT depends on the severity of what they did (or did not do) and what was taken away.
Some people would say that we're sending an inconsistant message but I disagree.
If, using your example, 10 minutes they don't come in. Do they become rude, nasty and mean then they absolutely would not earn back the next day of play. If they do typical children daudling and stalling tactics without the nasty they have a better chance of earning it back. Not letting my boys have a chance to play outside punishes me as much as the boys. Since they're home schooled they don't get "recess" during the day at public school. So to let them earn that back is sometimes needed for my sanity.
If it's an activity that we're looking forward to but if they're going to be nasty then taking them in the last thing we want to put up with they can earn back the ability to go by being good.
They will loose the computer but at the same time they need it for school sometimes.
To give you an idea of the other side of things. My oldest lost the ability to go to a birthday party at a Laser Tag place because they were fighting, fist fighting & drew blood, because the younger son was too young to go and the oldest was rubbing it in and being a nit. He had no way of earning that one back. We gave the friend his present later when we saw him.
So it totally depends on what happened and what they've lost.

I let my kids earn it back. They have to do over and above what they are expected. It works out for both of us. They get their grounding lifted and i get extra chores done :)

We did this with our 2 yr old at daycare. During the day, he would jump on the couch, throw food at lunch, and occasionally hit other kids. He has his rituals each day, where he has a snack in the car on the way home, he gets to "drive" the car into the garage, and watch his movies on the computer before dinner. But if he does any of those bad things at daycare, he loses one or more of those privilges. It took all of two days of him not getting a snack or watching his movies before that behavior stopped.

Obviously, we didn't rely on him doing extra chores or anything (he's 2!) just has to behave in order to get his privileges back. It worked for us, and I think when he is older if he wants his revoked privileges back, he will have to do a little extra. I think it sounds like a great idea.