14 Year Old Daughter

Dear G.,
When my children were small my husband and I were introduced to Growing Kids God's Way. We attended seminars and taught it at our church. I believe it revolutionized the way we "discipline" our children. Discipline comes from the word disciple and that is what we need to do at an early age. You can find this material from www.gfi.org.
There is a DVD series called Growing Kids God's Way for all age children and a specific DVD series called Reaching the Heart of Your Teen. You can also buy them on a CD which is much more affordable. It comes with a workbook.
The teen years should be a time of looking forward to, not a time of dread. I hope this will help you. If you get a chance to attend a seminar I highly suggest you and your husband go together because it takes both of you to raise your kids and you will meet like minded parents that are going through the same things you are.

L. J

Hi, welcome to the world of teens! I want to preface what I will say with the fact that your other children are watching how this is handled, so be consistent and fair!

With that said, I think she is behaving very normally for a 14 year old. There are many parents out there who wish eye-rolling, etc was all they had to contend with. I am going to go out on a limb here and say that grounding and the removal of activities may be a bit excessive considering the behavior IMHO. I am 56 and still roll my eyes! While it is difficult for you and perhaps for your other children and husband, this too shall pass. Until another child reaches this age that is. You are learning here too and unfortunately, we don't get a "do-over" so have a good strategy in place from the get-go.

Teens have to test the waters and have to become his/her own person, period. It sounds as if a good foundation is already in place, so I don't think you need to worry too much. That is not to say that you should not mention unacceptable behavior and to deal with one thing at a time, not a unilateral "grounding" for everything. My daughters behaved very well in other environments,and when I mentioned a less than desirable home behavior, I would get blank stares from everyone. And I quickly figured out that this was just a testing stage with us and it would pass. And they have turned out very well and it didn't last all that long. But if not handled correctly now, it could escalate into more resentment down the road. 17 year olds are much harder to control than a 14 year old.

She is behaving herself everywhere but she must have some place to be herself! She is with all of you at church and being home-schooled, where can she be herself? Your post does not indicate too many other activities or options for her. A wise friend of mine always said her kids used up their "niceness" everywhere else and there was nothing left when they got home. She said this jokingly but there is quite a bit of truth to it.

Teens have all sorts of pressures and hormones and maturity issues, parents need to be a bit more proactive (and understanding) than reactive I think. Grounding is a reaction, period and too easy of a way out. Spend some alone time with her and tell her you understand how very difficult it is to grow up and that you are there to discuss any of her feelings or fears but that you do expect (fill in the blanks). And build upon that with not only her but with your other children as well. They will all test the waters in their way to becoming their own person.

Good luck!

Hello, I am mother to 4 grown children(3 girls and 1 boy) and I have been where you are now. It sounds like you are on the right path. I would ground her from going to friends house, sleep overs, etc., until she improves. If a week goes by and you see she is improving, let her off, but as soon as she is mean to her sibblings again I would ground her again. However, I would not ground her from church. That is a positive in her life and you don't want to cut her off from that. You might ask your church to teach on doing unto others and you would have them do unto you. Shower her with plenty of love, even when your angry with her. I would never let a day go by that I didn't tell each one that I love them. Sometimes several times a day. It's easy to take for granted that they know we love them. One thing I made my children do is hug each other after they have had a fight. They usually ended up laughing and it seems to help. They are all very close to this day. I hope this helps.

It sounds to me like she must be getting praised at church and at her friends house for her good deeds - moreso than what she may be getting at home.

Unfortunately, just like how your family takes your everyday tasks & accomplishments for granted, you are expecting that things should get done by her without the need to make a big deal about it. Obviously, that's not working. Although I believe that all family members should have assigned chores, structured roles, and contribute their time without monetary compensation, a pat on the back, a "good job", and a "thank you" is essential when the chore is completed. It will also teach your kids to do the same when you do something for them.

In this case, punishment does not seem to be the answer, it will just create a bigger rift in your relationship. Also, by removing her from the positive activities she enjoys could cause larger issues in the long run. She could completely rebel and begin giving you REAL problems (sex, drugs, etc).

Instead, sit down and have a "heart-to-heart" and explain why you depend on her and that she is a huge help in your life. Maybe consider giving her more adult freedoms for every adult way that she helps out. Possibly start with 1 week where if she does all her normal tasks, she can do a special activity with her friends and continue that. Then, for every extra task she does out of the norm, you will let her curfew be an hour later than normal for a night. Or, let her decide to not do one normal task on a particular day. But most importantly, make sure you recognize everything she does that makes your life easier and helps the family. She is a teenager and needs your acceptance and her independence.

As far as cruel things that she sometimes does to her siblings, remind her that she is a role model to them and is not setting a mature example. But, also credit her when she positively influences them.

Another thing to consider is that since she is the oldest, you probably expect a lot more from her and probably have for a long time. She is not the mom and should be allowed to be herself.

I am a mom of 5, 6 in August. I have 3 girls and will have 3 boys. The girls are ages 22, 17 & 3, boys ages are 18, 4 & not here yet. I will say that girls are way harder to raise/figure out than boys. I agree with many of the other mom's that taking away everything is not the right thing to do. If you want to see real rebelion than that is the way to go but I would definitely encourage you to do something that is more appropriate for the actions. In no way do I condone being mean to a younger sibling but if you are allowing the younger siblings to cut in front of her, hit or kick (for example) and not punishing them then you are getting what any parent would. The little ones need to know boundaries and respect her as the older sister. I don't ever allow my little ones to cut in front of the older siblings. If they need something and they get there second then they wait their turn. Rolling of the eyes is just something that you will have to deal with as my 22 year old still does it. You need to be firm and consistant with discipline but if you go overboard you are just asking for a whole different set of problems, most of which will make all of this seem very very miniscule!! Set expectations, chores etc to a 14 yr old level and make sure that she knows the consequences if these things are not followed, if not then she knows what is coming. Hanging out at her friends house is a normal thing that allows her the freedom away from the younger siblings. By the time my kids were 14 during the summer they were are the public pool from the time it opened to dinner then again til it closed. I always welcomed my kid's friends at our house to hang out whenever they wanted, spend the night etc that way I knew what was going on. We had a list that consisted of all the chores and the things we expected the kids to have done and a contract that was signed by us and the kids that way when something wasn't done they couldn't say that they didn't know that they were responsible for it or what was going to happen if it wasn't done. Anyhow....I hope I made sense in my ramblings! Good Luck!

I have a 17 yr old and we still go through this a little even though there are just two of them. I think girls at this age are really trying to be individual and since you have so many kids, it may be she sort of resents them "crowding her space" of individuality. I have had to have several sit downs with mine and explain that siblings are special people to them and they should treat them with MORE respect than they do with others. Sometimes she doesn't understand that the younger one just wants to be like her because she loves her so much!

I think your grounding may be necessary, but you might also spend a little time with her talking about what bothers her so much at home. Since she seems like she's a good kid at church, etc, then something is bothering her at home. Perhaps she just doesn't feel special all the other kids in the family.

But, we are like you in that we don't allow such behavior in our house. But it may just be her only way of acting out some feelings about her stage in live, etc.

I homeschool as well, just fyi. Good luck!!!

I don't think I could ever know as much as you seeing as my children are ages 7, 5, and 3 but I do have one thought. Whatever consequences you come up with I would avoid grounding her from her church things. I remember as a bit of a rebellious teen myself that my association with my church friends was what stopped me from doing things that I would have regretted. If she begins seeing friends that don't regularly attend church and have morals and standards then that could be worrysome. But I remember myself at age 14. I wasn't all that nice to my parents but now we are very close and I respect them a great deal. They were always willing to extend me a little trust but also to enforce boundaries in a loving way. I hope all goes well for you. My daughter who is only 7 is very outgoing and popular. I'm already quaking in my boots as to what awaits us when she becomes a teenager!

Just hang in there. You're daughter is going through a phase where her body is changing, mentally and physically. While it's not acceptable for her behavior to be this way. It may be time to examine the love and affection you once showed for her. It may not be displayed to her in the right way.

Grounding her from everything is not really going to get you anywhere except more anger and attitude. Point out all the good things she does, let her know that you like it when she does this... or try and have some more one on one time for her to have the womanly talks. There may be several issues she is trying to deal with. Remember what is absolutely nothing to us may be everything to a teenager!

She being the oldest of the five, I am sure has far more responsibilities than the others. It may actually be time to enroll her into school.

Show her some appreciation. Keep in mind that she is in groups through church and doesn't display any attitude there- because volunteers are so gratiously appreciated at church. It is a feeling of importance. She knows her place in the church. She may be struggling with this at home.

Best of all good luck!!! Hope this helps!
C.

Wow, your hands are full and you are blessed. Sounds like your daughter is having the normal teenage feelings. If it only seems to happen at home and not outside of the home like at friends homes, church and school, you and and husband have done an awsome job, but she may be feeling the big responsibilty of being the oldest and more is put on her for just that reason of being the oldest, sometimes being the oldest isn't that fun. You may have a couple of more years ahead of you. Mine started at age 12, but grew out of it as she got older, she too was involved with alot of activities and church, but home life her behavior was different. B

I read a few responses, but not all of them. I agree with some, and not so much with others. What I do agree with is that she is acting out at home because she feels comfortable enough to push boundaries with you. I also agree that this phase is totally normal. I'm quite a few years beyond that phase, but I remember going through it. I probably would have been described just about the same way as your daughter, except I was the youngest. Compared to my siblings, I was not rebellious at all, but I definitely had that streak in me.

I do think it has a lot to do with her establishing her identity outside of your family, which is healthy and important - especially since she's homeschooled. She needs the chance to socialize and create those extended relationships, not to mention the immersion in the teachings of the Bible. I think her youth group activities are very important for her to continue. I would probably talk to her youth leaders and let them know that this has been an issue, and maybe they'll be willing to address it in her group. I'm sure she isn't the only one going through that phase.

That being said, I think discipline is definitely appropriate. My kids are only 2 and 4, so I haven't hit that point with discipline, but as always, consistency is the most important thing. I would also note that at 14 she is more than capable of rationalizing her behavior. Sit her down and have her talk it out, taking the opposite side of the situation (have her in her siblings' shoes or your shoes).

It sounds to me like she knows how to talk the talk but tires of walking the walk. Until she recognizes that she is NOT a victim, and needs to take responsibility for her own actions, she is going to struggle through certain areas of her life. This also is a reflection on her claim to her faith. If she is in a leadership role, she needs to be living what she represents all the time, not just in front of her youth group. If she really believes what she represents on the leadership team, she needs to express that in her actions. No one forces her to make the decisions she makes. As it has been said, life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you respond to it.

It sounds like you're doing a great job, and it's encouraging to see a parent step in to guide their kids even when it seems like a minor road-bump to many compared to what you could be dealing with. Just be careful to not repress her so much that it does lead to rebellion. Communication is SOOO important! Let her know why she is being disciplined the way she is being disciplined. Let her see the consequences of her actions linked to the punishment and that it isn't just an arbitrary punishment because you're upset with her behavior. Good luck!

Perhaps she is acting out about stress at home. Perhaps she is missing a personal connection with you, talking, spending time, feels that younger siblings get more attention, that she is overlooked, etc. Try talking to her to see why she is angry at her younger siblings. Get her to explain her frustrations, to journal what she feels when she is punished, frustrated, mad at siblings or parents. She needs to think about why she acts so harshly when she is upset. Ask her some questions, write them down and ask her to journal them. This journal is for her to reflect. Later, ask if she will discuss things she talked about in her journal. The journal is her own and give her the option and time to tell you things (if she wants).

Another option is having her see a counselor. Journaling is important. Reflecting on actions, feelings, reasons for frustration and acting out, and examining how others view her actions and feelings. Perhaps she is insecure and acts out to look stronger and control her surroundings. Sibling rivalry is a key symptom of a serious problem. It's good to get things out in the open and examine them now before she is an independant woman and can make decisions that could have terrible life long affects.

Hi G.,
Welcome to the teen stage! It sounds like she is a good kid overall and is just expressing the usual behavior of a teen. Remember that her emotions and hormones are ever changing as well as she has to test to know her boundaries. It is good that you have boundaries and standards, however I would be careful to take away things that are positive like her leadership stuff and church. I would look to having her make it up to those she is being rude to around the house. Make her punishments to do something extra nice for the kids that she is taking it out on like making their bed for a week for them, or extra chores, etc. Take something else from her that she enjoys like music, books, TV, etc away. Also in reading books about teens, I have learned that we need to remember that it is tough to go through this stage for them as well, so giving warnings about behavior consequences gives them a chance to make a mistake and think about it before making the same mistake twice. Goodluck to you! I am in the same boat as my daughter is getting ready to turn 13. :)

My daughter did the same thing, starting around 13. I never knew from one day to the next how she would act. I dropped her off at school each morning and she would either slam the door and not say good-bye, or she would say "I love you, Mom" and smile when she said good-bye. She was also the same with her two younger brothers. I felt exactly like you sound.
I tried to find activities that we could do together and/or that gave her responsibilities with her brothers. I've always made scrapbooks of my children's lives, and I'd find that she'd been looking at them more during this time--I could tell they'd been moved on the shelves or I'd find them in her bedroom. So even when we didn't always get along, she new how special she was from the things I wrote in her albums. I also started scrapbooking with her and letting her do more of the work or writing. This made her feel special, too. It's also better if you can deal with it in a positive way instead of through punishment (except where necessary).
I'm happy to say my daughter grew out of the mean behavior by the time she was 15 or 16, and now she's a happy, very well-adjusted 20-year-old, and very kind. I'm sorry to say that you'll probably go through something similar with your other daughters (my sons weren't as bad, but my friends' daughters were), so I would find a gentle way to work through it. Good luck!

hello, I am a mother of 8 children, 4 already out of the house. I know how this feel we also went through this a few times. I see it as a hormonal problem that they will eventually grow out of this. We have homeschooled all of our children. We know too well how this is, with boys and girls.
But grounded them will do well for a little while. But some-
times they need our complete attention, will do the job.
With lots of love and attention, you all will get through it.
from: G. F.
date: Tue.Jul.14,2008

Welcome to life with a 14 year old! Boy, can I relate. Take a deep breath. This will pass (I'm told). Teens need some independence and time with their friends. Don't punish her for that. I wouldn't ground her for this attitude she feels safe letting you see it. She seems well raised and like a good kid. I bet if you asked her friends' moms how their kids behave at home you'd find out they're going through the same stuff (if not, then they're lying). :) Give her space, give her lots of love and pray a lot! I'm with you here. All will work out on the other end.

prayers and hugs,
C.

Sounds like puberty to me, get a grip it will pass eventually but you can mellow her out by restricting her activities.I would not keep her out of her church groups though, that is a positive influence for her.The eye rolling etc. is justa phase.

I have 2 boys 14 and 18.i think all children try their selves. But i have found out that a mom should be searching the rooms of their children and the way your daughter is acting i would.all because you go to church doesnt mean they will not do wrong.the moods swings could be a sign of trouble,her age, peer pressure or many other things.i do not have any regrets searching my now 18 year old sons room.if my 14 year old acts different i will search his also. Good luck

My preachers wife has raised 9 beautiful, God centered and serving children. One of the favorite stories she tells of her daughter Rachelle, was when Rachelle was grounded from everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. She had to be right by her mother's side every waking moment. Johnnie said it was the hardest thing she's ever done, but Rachelle did finally adjust her attitude and see that her focus on herself had to stop and refocus on others. Some of the intricate details are hysterical. She slept on the floor at the foot of her mothers bed. Had a chair outside her mothers restroom for when her Mom was busy in the bathroom.

Anyway, I encourage you to stick to your guns. Outside activities, including church are privileges. Privileges are earned.

I would recommend you talk to someone at church and ask for guidance. My daughter is difficult at 13 and think what you are going through is normal. It is hard for kids to transfer what they are learning in church to real life situations sometimes and for some reason the family is where it is taken out on.The youth pastor can help guide and mentor your daughter possibly.Remember they are there to help us as parents too. I wonder if she should step away from the leadership team until she can improve her relationships at home. I would also review some scripture to back up what you are telling her. SO she realizes it is God's ways we are honoring. My prayers are with you.

G.,

You said she is 14 but has she started having her monthly cycles? I know my oldest was a bear to get along with for a year before they started and the first year until they regulated. My now 13 yo is the same way. Just another prospective for you.

Get a calendar and try watching to see if there is a pattern.

Unfortunately, it is something that all teenagers go through. It is a difficult time but I know that with mine it has gotten so much better with the oldest one. We are great "friends" but she still understand that I am the mom and the authoritator. With my oldest, when she came finally regulated we only have about 2 days of this a month, the rest of the time she comes and we have great indepth conversations about very mature topics, and she listens!

Best of luck and God Bless,
D.

Being the oldest is a big responsibility, but it takes two to fight. Have you heard of the "pecking order"? As long as she is not really hurting her younger siblings, you should not punish her UNLESS you are punishing both. THe younger ones are smarter than you think. You see, when the younger one cut in front of her, he/she knew it was wrong. She in turn let him/her go ahead, but she did let them know she didn't like it. SHe is a good girl, but when the little ones aggravate her, she will strike back.

As for her attitude in helping out. WHen she talks back or complains, you can say "well, say what you want, but you are still doing it and you are not going tonight unless it is done". THen let it go. Don't let her go to friends or where ever until she gets the work done.

Also, make sure you are giving chores to the other siblings and expecting them to respect her as the oldest.

I am speaking from experience, as I have 3 kids, the youngest is now 17.

Hi, G., I won't take up too much space, but my husband and I had 5 kids between us, with 4 years from oldest to youngest, so you can imagine that there were conflicts. We took them to a counselor for awhile to work on some issues,and briefly, she said to set house and behavior rules together as a family, including punishments for breaking the rules.(Put them on paper!)This takes all the pressure off you parents and puts the responsibility on the kids. You break the rule, you take the punishment--no questions, no whining, no arguments. The second thing I remember the counselor saying was not to take things away from them as punishment--it seldom works. They'd sooner do without than admit defeat. Instead, give them MORE! More chores, more homework, anything you can think of. It's a good way to get things done around the house-- vacuuming, dishes, window washing, weeds pulled, laundry folded--anything you can think for them to do that they don't normally do. Trust me, when they help set these punishments and agree to them, the stress levels in your home will go way down. They ALL can be a part of making the rules and setting the punishments(excluding babies and toddlers, of course). What kids crave most besides love is consistency--knowing what they can count on in any situation. This gives them a solid framework for behavior, and a punishment that is consistent every time. Hope this helps you as much as it did us. N. B.

i would like to say please please please don't take her out of her church activities, maybe she's not getting enough focused personal attention, perhaps there are some mother daughter activities in church or otherwise that you could seek out and attend together, i don't have a teen yet, i'm just trying to think back at what i did during that time in my life and i can honestly say that when i did act out it was because i needed love and affection and attention that was misplaced. i always had an activity or sport going on and my mom was usually there but there was still no connection. find a way to really connect to your daughter. going "places" and doing "things" are not merely enough, search out who she really is and make a day (or any block of time) that's just for you and her and when you talk to her, talk with her and not at her, grounding never worked for me. i'd get grounded keep to myself until it's over, say i learned my lesson but really i'm just the same + maybe a little angry. think of it this way. everyone at church thinks she's so GREAT and SWEET because that's how she acts. maybe start to praise the tiniest things that she does good and downplay the not so great for a while and that "church personality" will spill over into home life. what've you got to lose? help her believe that's really who she is.

Sounds like a typical teenager. They go through a rebellious phase for a while in which they act out. I would do the grounding and taking away priveleges. The kids she hangs around with may seem like good kids but at home behind closed doors is a different story. They may be doing the same stuff and she may have actually caught on to what they're doing and started doing this stuff herself. It is a phase that will eventually over time go by and she'll go back to her old ways of being good and listening. Pretty much all teens go through this I know first hand because I did this stuff myself. Keep her in church for sure and if you have to seek counseling for her if it gets way out of control. Don't take her off the leadership team though because it may in the long run help her out.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7, and 4.

It could be that she is always with her sibblings and that is why she is mean at home. Maybe she is looking for some attention at home and bad attention is better then no attention. There can be a lot of things that are going on. Is there an adult that could sit down and talk to her one on one and ask waht is wrong??? A youth group leader or your pator??? Teenage girls are really hard to deal with. I have two. One will be 19 in September and the other is 15 and just had a baby. You can't always protect your children believe me I have tried. Good luck to you with that many girls....lol

G., First of all I want to congratulate you on the fact that your daughter acts appropriately to other people and in other situations!! I feel that is truly successful parenting. It is biologically ingrained to test, push and otherwise try to defeat your own parent (I have a 15yo stepson, who very well not make it here until 18). But I do get good reviews from other people. I, too, didn't get alongwith my mom during those teen years. I think it's just part of the process. By all means, do not give up or stop the discipline, just don't expect to see results today. Hormones are a huge part of this problem and the transition from childhood into adulthood. We have a great book called "Conversations with God for Teens", and I think it explains a lot of teen issues beautifully. As far as her being mean to younger sibs, maybe when she does something, they get to choose her punishment. That could get very interesting. Good Luck!!

Hello G., you sure have your hands full with your family. You said the other kids do not act like this, have you been in their homes when they are not aware of you being there and see just how they do act? Maybe she is trying to get your attention (which she is) if you pay more attention to the little ones. You and she could have a mother/daughters day together. I have also heard that a mother was having the same problem so one evening she invited the minister to dinner but did not let her daughter know this. When she was asked to set the table she was real grouchy like usual then when the minister came to the table the daughter turned very red in the face and apologized to her mother and didn't act so bad after that. I imagine a lot of it is her age too. Good Luck K.

Wow, sounds like my 15 1/2 yr old son lol.. This is a tough one Hun trust me, you need to be stern and take away what means the most to her, I know easier said then done. But it'll start hitting home. I only have two children My son Scott will be 16 in Sept. and my daughter Rebecca is 10 and man I have my hands full with these two always fighting. My daughter thinks she's 10 going on 18 some days and I just want to pull my hair out. Keep your chin up it does get better I promise. But back to your issue, you and your husband have to stick together and be a team. Once she starts to realize you mean business she'll smarten up big time :o)
Good luck Hun and I hope I was some what of a help..
Hugs to you,
S. aka Bbabygirl620

Ahh..the teenage years! I don't have a teen, but I'm very close to my younger cousin who recently had her 13th birthday. She's doing the exact same things as your daughter. She's negative toward her parents and is just 'too cool' to help out around the house. I think it's just the age. Personally, I wouldn't take away her church activities. I was very active in my youth group when I was younger and those memories are wonderful. Grounding her at home is a great idea. Perhaps then she'll understand that you mean real business and that that type of behavior is totally unacceptable. Hang in there, hopefully it's a short lived phase and she'll get over it.

first of all, let me tell you i am 47 years old and the mother of one daughter who is now 23 married and has one of her own. 14 is a rough time for teens especialy girls, hormons, and growing issues. let me recommend that since you seem to know her friends, ask their parents if they are having any problems simular to yours with their kids, also, you could talk to her friends and find out if they know why or what may be causing her to be this way. has anything happened that was traumatic to her, are you still paying attention to her as much as before? try some mom and daughter time, leave the others with a sitter or dad and go shopping and out to eat, talking to her in a casual way might be just what she needs.good luck!!

honestly...its just the age!!! I have a daughter that is involved in sports but the attitude is still there...especially with me her mom. I have no solution but too just stand by what you say and mean what you say..My daughter is a straight A honor student and as a freshman she started on her varisty basketball team as the point guard after Christmas..she has done very well..but the attitude is still there and i believe its just the age??? Not sure that is what you want too hear but I believe its the truth...

I agree with an earlier mom --at her age they are really trying to branch out away from parents--is there a good school in your area, it might be time? My advice as a mom to adult girls is to ignore the eye rolling and attitude stuff--as long as she does what she is supposed to. who cares if she rolls her eyes as she is cleaning the bathroom--just ignore her. If she refused to do her chores then of course ground her but the pushing her siblings face into the fountain --that is aggressive and bordering on violent--that behavior needs to be addressed immediately and strongly! If she is behaving in public then it means you are doing a great job by the way--that she knows how to act and does around others is better than a lot of teens these days! I had a daughter like that--constantly fighting with me over everything(14-17 yrs old) and yet her teachers and friends parents always told me how she was so polite and well behaved--I always looked at them wondering if they were talking about the same girl--LOL! But she is now a great 23 yr old --just graduated college and we get along great--in fact now that she is talking about moving out I think I will miss her! And I would not have said that a few years ago! Also make sure she knows that you love her, every day find something nice to say to her no matter how hard it is --she will remember. Even if she rolls her eyes when you compliment her she really likes it deep down. I wish I had done more of the "catching" them at good behavior! It is a crazy journey-- but worth it-- rasing kids.

Hi G..
Do you think it could be that she is with you and her siblings constantly? With home schooling she is around you day and night. If she were going to school it would give her a break from you. Not saying there's anything wrong with you but teens like to branch out and find themselves. They like to be among their peers. Siblings are not their peers they are siblings. She is a teenager now and maybe acting out because she is with you and her siblings all day. She is acting out because something is bothering her. Try talking to her to see exactly what is bothering her. Assure her that no matter what it is you will love her and not think less of her. Sometimes teens are afraid to talk to us because they fear what we will think of them. I am not saying there is anything wrong with home schooling but I know a couple of people who home schooled. One did well and one acted out because they wanted to go to a regular school with people their age. Good luck.

Hi Elizabeth:

I feel your pain, sister. My daughter began "those" rolling-eyes, huffing & puffing when asked to take out the trash, only wishing to relate with friends kinds of behaviors at 11/12yrs. Lucky you to got to 14 without a lot of good-grief. Anyhow, I'm a rookie with pre-teen and early teen behaviors and really would like to find a manual : ) or support group : ) to help me navigate through these issues too.

What has helped me in the early part of this stage of our life together, is to give my dd SPACE and active listening. I try not to "fix" her problems with friends, etc... and I let her know I support her choices and appreciate her telling me what's going on. I also give her options like: "What time will you have the dishes done by?" If she says (with attitude): "I don't know." Then I say, "I need to know, 2:00 or 3:00?" If she still hem-haws around the commitment to being responsible for that chore, I tell her that I expect it done at x:00 and if it's not done, she knows that there will be a consequence.

Once recently, during a nice dialogue, my daughter was honest and in touch enough to tell me: "Mom, it's like I want you when I want you..." and for me, that summed up what I'm headed for and was blessed by her words. It helped solidify the fact that at this age, the pursuit of independence is there, crucial, natural, inevitable--, but knowing that a parent is still a rock to go to for strength, safety, support is a HUGE part of that growing-up balance.

Oh-- and thank god for grace! I try to choose my battles wisely and would sure like to know if you find specifics that help you.

blessings, M.

She is going through normal teen behavior. Mine are not that old yet, but you are describing me to a "T" as a teen. Your approach is wonderful. It may not seem like it is getting anywhere, but don't give up! I am the oldest of 5, and my parents kind of gave up. I have vowed not to do the same when it comes to mine. My intentions are to stick to my kids like glue. I know they need to be independant, but they will also know I am just a step behind. When my 12yr old started having behavior issues in school that were affecting his grades, his choice was to step up and do what he was supposed to, or Mommy would be attending school with him. "I will hold your hand, skipping all the way to class! I will become your new best friend. We will see how cool your friends think you are then!" His tune changed very quickly. I know dividing your attention between 5 can be overwhelming, but try to get some one on one with her. Even if it is for just a soda after school, it will work wonders.

This is typical teen behavior, and I remember doing things like that too...although the "rolling the eyes" was never "in sight" of my parents, because it'd be the Bill Cosby skit in live action - "Don't you roll those eyes at me - I'll knock them right out of your head!"

My parents never grounded me really - but kept reminding me that I am responsible for my actions, and it doesn't matter if it's fair, or if life's fair, or if it "just sucks" or what...I'm responsible for my actions, and there are consequences to those actions. You choose the action/behavior, you choose the consequence. Period.

We've also tried to let our daughter know (at 4) that she doesn't have to agree with or like what we're telling her to do - but she still has to do it. She isn't required to be happy with mommy or daddy 24/7/365, but she still has to abide by the rules, like them or not.

Whatever rules you have in place, make sure they're non-negotiable, and for every misbehavior, there's a price. ANd the eye-rolling has to stop.

Make sure the punishment fits the crime, and make sure that whatever the punishment is, it's "of value" to her. Grounding her from something she doesn't much like in the first place isn't a punishment. Sometimes, sending her to her room and away from everybody else might be exactly what she wants! so be careful.

Good luck!