All his point is to make my life easier want me to hire people rather than doing things myself. well I love doing things myself and I am not complaining why does he want me to ask someone when that does gets on my nerve. I dont uderstand his thinking and he doesn't understamd mind either, he says I do things so differently not using my head and have not met anyone like me before. Even cooking he says rather have me take out then me make a mess, but the thing is I am the one cleaning, and I clean real good he leaves oil traces not wipe.
I get really fustrate with our differences.
Today I wash my car, it takes me only 20 minutes such a beautiful weather. when I was almost done my toddler started to cry she is 1 year 3 months. Okay so I took her in car parked in the garage, I left the hose not rolled up yet as I didnt get to do it as my child was crying after sitting quietly in her stroller looking at me at work for awhile. So my hubby came back after work, getting so worked up for me washing the car and said I could do better stuff with that time send it out for car wash or do other chores in da house. He rather not me doing things incomplete, oh come on I forgot the hose cause my child cried, and I was sweeping the leaves off the garage after so what is the big deal about the hose and while sweeping I accidently touched the garage sensors so it did not work properly.
Another incident was the locks to be rekeyed, he wanted the locksmith to do it which cost at least $140 when you can unscrew the locks easily and send it to lowes to get it done for only 6 dollars. cause I suggested this route he got so angry with me that he yells names and the made a hole in the door. okay after he appologise for being that way, but still disagree with sending to lowes.
Anyone of you faces this problem? I clean, take care of the kids, groceries, shopping well everything house related.
Any advice is appreciated and the thing is many things he doesnt tell me then he accumulates and explode in my face I hate that he feels everything he tells me I will get defensive, but in fact I just explain to him why I do certain things I do, whatever money I save I want to put it for the kids education or something more important.
He also said I sleep late said I am being stubborn! hello I have to put the kids to bed and they wont sleep till late. I cant control how they sleep, after that I need me time to relax and watch my show or play abit of game or else I cant sleep.
He is a taurus n boy this horoscope thingy is so darn accurate.
hm.
red flags all over this one.
take him up on it. hire a cook, a housekeeper, pay to have the car washed. see how he likes it.
actually, if he's screaming at you and putting his fist through doors, that probably wouldn't go well.
i don't see a happy ending here.
i'm sorry.
khairete
S.
I'm worried for you. It sounds like you are in a situation that could become dangerous for you and your baby.
Do you have family and friends nearby? Any sort of support system? Make sure that you do not allow him to isolate you from other friends and loved ones.
I agree to start stockpiling money in case you need to get out. Also, see if there are any sort of support groups for women in your situation.
Also - you can see if he will do counseling.
Please read the information here: http://www.genesisshelter.org/page.aspx?pid=365
I'm sorry. Keep us posted.
Wow! Has he always been this way? If someone treated me this way I'd be gone. This sounds abusive. He is definitely a control freak. But it sounds like you want to save this relationship.
Does he have enough money to pay someone to come in and do all that you do? If so, let him and see if it makes a difference in the way he treats you. He wants you to sleep late? So will he take care of the kids or does he want to hire a live in nanny?
Or is it, he wants you to go to bed earlier? So that he can cuddle and get couple time with you? If not, then it's just another instance of his need to totally control you.
It really sounds like he's trying to control every part of your life. It will be very difficult for him to change if he's even willing to consider change. You've tried to tell him why you want to do things and why something doesn't get done and he's not willing to bend even a little bit. So, I don't have much hope for the relationship.
Are you willing to be his door mat and bend to his will? If not, get counseling to build up your own self esteem so that you can plan to leave him.
What would he say if you told him that your relationship has to change or you're leaving? Sometimes that will shock a person into thinking about change.
Explaining doesn't work so I'd stop explaining. Just listen to him without responding. That may take some of the conflict out of your relationship.
I suggest counseling for you. Great if he'd go but I suspect he's too insecure and immature to go.
Sounds like my ex-husband. This was how he started out. First it was the door, then it was my face.
If the kitchen wasn't cleaned the way he wanted it, if the living room wasn't picked up the way he demanded, if I tried to get a few hours of extra sleep because the baby kept me up at night...I'd get screamed at.
Notice I said "ex-husband"? Yeah, it got to the point where I couldn't deal with him any more. I started standing up for myself and fought back. The day he told me he wanted a divorce was the best day of my life. I had been stock piling money and putting documents and such for a safe get away at my aunt's house. The ex came in and said we needed to talk. He told me he couldn't "handle" me any more and he wanted a divorce. Once I got over the initial shock, I started laughing. It pissed him off!
If he continues on this controlling and abusive path, then you need to get out. He will eventually hit you. You need to protect yourself and your baby.
I agree with the other Mamas - his behaviour is unacceptable. That said, why would you mind allowing someone else to do the cleaning if you can afford it? It seems to me that both of you have "taken sides" and neither of you is willing to compromise. I might be wrong but it seems as if you were brought up to be careful with your money and you value saving over appearance but your husband's attitude seems to be "I work for this money. I can afford to spoil myself and my family."
I suspect that when you say "no" to the more expensive option he feels that you don't appreciate what a good provider he is. On the other hand, when he suggests that you hire someone, you feel he is criticising you.
I strongly suggest Imago Therapy for you both. It saved my marriage when we understood each other's point of view. Good luck!
Your question: Is he a control freak?
To me, it sounds like he DOES want to have a lot of control over your actions.
You two argue over hiring people vs. do-it-yourself stuff?
If we can do something AND have the time, we do it.
If we can't do something or don't have the time, we hire someone.
Really, ordinary every day things--we do ourselves.
We hire for some medium-sized home projects and larger. Time is the biggest issue for my husband.
I would think most husbands would LOVE for their wives to save $12 by washing their own car, etc.
I wonder what is motivating him.
What really scares me is him putting a hole in a door and calling you names over as small as deciding whether to hire a locksmith or install locks yourselves! NOT normal.
Do you ever feel that you're in danger?
Are you afraid in your own home?
If you ever feels like that, pleas don't hesitate to call a women's shelter for advice and help, in in the case of an emergency or over-the-top outburst, please call 9-1-1.
Good luck!
L., you are right about your assessment. He has anger problems and he is controlling. I hope he is only your boyfriend and not your husband. I hope you can find a new boyfriend.
Good luck,
Dawn
L.:
This man is a verable and emotional abuser. As long as he gets his way everything is just fine, if not he blows up, right?
Get out now. This situatution is only goung to get worse.
Control Issues and mind games is what I get from your post. Not a healthy relationship. Also it sounds like he is a bit intimidated by you. Saying that hemight also be one of those anal clean freaks. The hose being out would drive that type of person crazy especially if he has to walk and trip over it. I think I would have put the hose away before sweeping though lol
You need to learn to say if you don't like it do it yourself. Of course that comes with you letting go.
Most of the home maintenance I did myself and never consulted my husband on it. Like the locks. Just get them done the way you want, he asks, yes I rekeyed the locks.
Of course I am speaking of my ex husband, my current husband is rather helpful and supportive.
He is not going to change.
And.... I doubt if he is the type that will go see a Therapist or marriage counselor.
And, being that you have a daughter, I would NOT want, MY daughter, to grow up thinking that, that is how a man is. Because, this is just wrong. A girl should grow up, with a good example of a Dad, and that the Dad treats his wife with respect etc.
A girl, does not have to grow up, that way.
Has this always been the case? If so, some serious help is needed. If it is recent then what has changed in the routine that he is behaving like this. Be sure you are saving money and tucking it away somewhere should this lead to a separation. Rather than jumping the gun a bit I would start having some serious conversations with him on how this is impacting your relationship. Counseling to see if things can get worked out.
I dealt with this type of behavior from one of my parents when growing up. Your boyfriend / husband is abusive and things need to change or you might find yourself or your child severely injured or dead someday because of this guy. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but you are in a dangerous situation physically and emotionally, as well as spiritually.
You both need help immediately! You with how to deal with this and keep yourself and baby safe, and him to change the patterns if it's not too late.
Find a good marriage, family therapist and get going NOW!
Google narcissitic personality disorder. Does it sound a bit familiar to some of the traits this guy demonstrates?
I don't mean to be super negative, but if he's not willing to go to counseling, you might have to separate permanently. My friend just went through an awful divorce to someone who is a narcissist, and she is still in a very scary situation because he physically harmed her as time went on, AND one of their 2 children. But the child was so young, and they couldn't prove it in the courts, so he STILL has partial custody of the kids and until he DOES harm one of the kids again and the kids testifies against him, my friend can do nothing else but wait, it's HORRIBLE.
And I don't mean to sound like a zealot, but I would encourage you to get away from horoscopes and all that meaningless stuff, and seek God's will for you in this situation. Find a highly reputable Christian church in your area and go talk to a pastor as soon as possible. You need the spiritual support as well.
