Second Child?? - Troy,MI

When two people differ on wanting to have more children, I believe the no wins. Every child is a huge commitment and brings new challenges to the family. Even more so if one parent feels they were forced into the decision. Unless he changes his mind, try to be happy with the family as is. Especially with his background of not being very supportive with the first child as an infant.

Yes, it would be best if you both want a second child. If he will "give you one," that's not a ringing endorsement of how involved he'll be as a father. I have, sadly, known a number of men throughout my life who resented their children, which were often accidents or "compromise" babies. The wives, in turn, became resentful of their husbands. This isn't healthy for children.

You say you two are happy now. You might find that if you focus on that, and commit yourself totally to the husband and daughter that are blessing your life, your desire for another won't nag at you, and will eventually fade. The grass is always greener on the other side of an impassable fence. But when we get over there, we can see the weeds.

I hear often on this site that "you'll never regret having another." But I know lots of women, as well as men and older siblings, who do indeed regret having another. For any number of reasons.

I know the feeling. Except, in my case, I'm a single mom with no prospects of having a second one right now... it's hard to say what you should do, as your husband sounds ambivalent about having a second one, and he had such a hard time the first time you were pregnant. It might be a hard and lonely road for you, or your husband might rally around and be happy about it, too.

I think that if you feel really like you need a second child, maybe stop talking about it with your partner for a little while and just see what happens. If you are happy, just enjoy your family life, and take it slowly... you are young enough to wait a few years and you would still be in your prime years for having kids. I'm not saying to give up on your feelings, but sometimes, when you don't worry about it, then it will happen. Or, alternately, you find acceptance and peace with what is.

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice below. Having a child isn't something you should enter into lightly. If your husband really does not want one but is willing to "give you one", then you may want to reconsider.

I did see a post below that said something about it being unfair to your daughter if she doesn't have a sibling - I am an only child and I'm here to say that I'm perfectly happy with being an only child. It drives me absolutely NUTS when I hear people bash parents for not giving their child a sibling. It also hurts my feelings as if they're saying that my life isn't as good because I didn't have a brother or sister. My mom and I, especially, have an amazing relationship and I don't think we'd be quite as close if I had a sibling. An I'm of the opinion that close friends can be just as important as siblings (and in many cases, I've seen that friends were better "siblings" to people than their blood-related siblings). So don't use that as a reason to let it bother you if you decide to remain a family of 3. A family of 3 can be JUST as happy as a family of 4 or more.

If you're still in counseling, this may be a great topic to bring up with the counselor. Or if you're done with counseling, it might not be a bad idea to go back for a few sessions to work through this. It will help you get to the root reason of why your husband is hesitant to have another child. And that answer will help you decide if you want to move forward with having another or if you want to let it go...

Best of luck!

It would be ideal if you both wanted a second child. My husband and I went through this with each and every child we conceived. We have six. He is so incredibly happy to have all our children. Both of us believe they are the best things that ever happened to us. We can't imagine our lives any other way. Our oldest is 14 and our youngest is 1. I had our youngest when I was 41. You can't predict the future. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Money and jobs come and go, but family is forever. If it were my husband, I would go for it. I did! I don't know how your husband is. I knew my husband really wanted more but was afraid. I knew he would LOVE having them once they came. His children are his treasures.

Thank you J. H! Sunflower has no CLUE what she's talking about and should realize how insulting her post is and neither does Ginny B. I, too, am an only child and have wonderful friends I've had FOREVER who are far closer to me than most people's siblings I know. I had friends as a child too and actually enjoyed being an only child. There are many people out there who can't have any more kids and don't want to adopt, and to say you're doing your child an injustice by not having a bunch of siblings for them is ludicrous! Not to mention -any child you have now is NOT going to be very close to your daughter. They may be close after they become adults, but now the age difference is too great. She may view a new baby as a "doll" or a novelty, but at 7 + years apart they won't be best friends.

***To Ginny B -honey, I would love to compare charitable notes and contributions sometime. Your idea that only children think it's "all about them" is IGNORANT and INSULTING.

Now to your problem. Part of it is your age. Early 30s sends most of us off the deep end with our biological clocks! It's perfectly normal for you to want another child and to want it now! I think it's always difficult to iron these things out when a relationship basically was taken to another level with an unplanned pregnancy, and I commend you both for sticking with it. I do think you really have to respect his wishes when it comes to more kids. Kids aren't like buying a car or painting the house -you can't change it or take it back! Your husband may have actually NEVER wanted kids, but I'm sure he loves his daughter -he just may not want to add to it! He's certainly not too old by any means, but this is something you really need to use counseling for. Look at his reasons for not wanting another child. Are they financial? Are there genetic diseases or defects in his family (or yours) a child would have a higher chance of being be born with? Regardless, YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE WAY HE FEELS! Sorry -if he feels that way, there's no changing it unless he decides to! I would think long and hard before forcing another kid on him. He may bolt, or he may be frustrated and unhappy for years. Either way -not good! If you absolutely cannot be happy unless you have another child, you may have to look at other options. That would be sad though because you say you're happy now. If that's the case -then don't ruin it!

I told a good friend of mine this several years ago, and I still feel this way -Keep the love you have instead of gambling for love you MAY get. You don't know what could happen with another child. Right now you have a healthy daughter, a husband you say you're happy with and a decent life. Be happy with what you have! There are no guarantees in this world,and I wouldn't gamble a good relationship and happy family on another baby for anything. Babies are fabulous, but they're also exhausting, stressful, expensive and all-encompassing -and that's if they're perfectly healthy. More people should think about that!

The 2nd child is so much fun and is definitely not as stressful as bringing the 1st baby home. My 1st child was so stressful on the marriage, but the 2nd child was much easier on the family, because we were used to having a child already. My 2 girls play together and help each other stay entertained. I like the fact that when my husband and I pass on my kids will have a sibling to rely on. Not sure I would have a 2nd child if your husband is not on board with it.

Make sure that you are both on the same page before you get pregnant with another child. If he is willing to give you one for the sake of getting it over with, it's not fair to either of you and may cause trouble in your marriage again. He may tell you one day when you mention about helping with the baby "well you wanted it!". That wouldn't make you feel good. As you know, a baby is alot of work in the beginning...do you really want to go through it again? They say a woman "knows" when she is done having kids and maybe you aren't....just make sure you and your husband have a mutual agreement about what is expected of each other should you decide to have another. I am in the same boat as you...only I am 36 with a 3 yr old daughter and know that I want one more. Still trying to convince my husband, who is 31! Good luck with your decisions and let us know how it works out :) Message me if you want to talk more, I know exactly how you feel :)

It would be nice for you to have another child. Your child now will be asking later why her parents didn't give her a sibling. No child should be alone without siblings. But if you get pregnant your husband might resent you. If it's a boy he might be so thrilled. I think your husband is scared that your relationship might go downhill again. If you'll still in counseling maybe you could bring this up. I'm surprised your husband doesn't want more children. You also need to consider your age. The older a woman gets the older her eggs and it's harder to get pregnant. A man can give fresh semen whenever (not fair), but that's how it is. He needs to consider that you are not getting any younger and still want children. Talk some more about this. I will send blessings your way!

I think you'll really regret it and resent him if you don't have that baby. I'd tell him that, perhaps in the presence of a member of the clergy or a counselor, and that you're not willing to wait any longer. He'll probably love this child like the last one. If he's slow to do that, oh well... He needs to consider your feelings. It sounds like a lot of things are all about him. You are partners and what you want counts a lot. It's also the best thing for the child you have now. Children need siblings to learn how to get along in the world. Otherwise, they grow up thinking it's all about them! Is hubby an only child, by the way?

Go for it!!!! you won't regret giving your child a sibling! Finances are never a good reason to not have another. The situation will never be "perfect". Guys don't always know what they want......

If "standing your ground" means that you'll have another child, and that's what you WANT, then you should do it. But what you CAN'T do, and what it seems like you're trying to force, is your husband to WANT another child.
If you persue this in counseling, or outside of it even, and you eventually wear him down, what do you gain?
Wouldn't you rather understand why he doesn't want a second child? Maybe he's reliving the stress of the first 2 yrs of your first child. Maybe he feels too old. Or maybe he just doesn't like kids all that much. Either way, you can't change the way he feels. You may persuade him to say that he's on board, but that won't change his feelings. It's not fair to him for you to try to do that.

So I would say, if you want a second child that badly, and he's willing to give it to you, go through with it with some understanding of how involved he's wiling to be. It's not fair to him to have to compromise completely, just as it's not fair for you to. So you have to find a middle ground. And that may mean that you do most of the work. But KNOW that ahead of time.

You can't change his reaction. You can only change how you react to it.

DO NOT go forward with a second child unless you BOTH want it. It will be the worst thing for your marriage. Obviously he's stressed about having another one, maybe you should talk about this issue with your counselor, but again if you can't convince him to want it, don't do it!!!! He obviously was pulling away when the first one came along unexpectedly, and if he's not excited about #2 he'll just pull away again, and this time he might not get over it, or it could be a long hard battle. Also the PPD can be worse the 2nd time around, and having an older child to care for on top of the baby is a bad scenario if Daddy isn't being really really helpful.

Ask yourself what's more important, having a 2nd child, or having a happy supportive spouse to raise your first one with.

Best wishes!

From the sounds of it Ann satisfied happy not completely happy. Your husband needs to get off his high horse. Bring this up in conselling. He has issues still not you and as long as you can handle the load I would do it stand your ground. Us as woman always have the heav load with kids. My husband participates alot but e doesn't do feedings or anything we just had our 5th child and she is attached like a wart. I knew thats how it was suppose to be anyway with breastfeeding. Well I still can't completely breastfeed so probably some depression has me not allowing her to be let go to stay with anyone or to be fed by no one else there has been times I would love it but I myself had a hard time letting her go. But thats my stuff but anyway back to you. I think your husband was basically thrown into something and he has excepted his situation and also has fell in love with it but scares him to have more added and I bet if you have one he will be on board. I would stand your ground and he already said he would give o one so I would take him up on it. Also as your having fun creating a special creation keep the fun up after too. Good luck

Don't forget that 7 years later you'll be starting over... It's a HUGE adjustment for you, your daughter, and your husband. Think long and hard... It's easy now - you just pick up and go.
I have a sister who is 8 years younger - it's just the two of us. I wouldn't change a thing! She is wonderful and I do love having her. My parents waited 7 years for me and then 7 for her. They never thought they'd have one baby never mind 2.
Basically - you need to think about how it will affect your family. I know many people with single children who are fine with the one they have... Some can't have any more... some wanted more, but it just didn't happen.

YMMV
LBC

Ask yourself why you really want a second child. Then look at how your husband acted when your first child was born, how many nights he was away from home, how many times was it just you and the baby all alone. If you push your husband for a second child he may be twice as resentful and be away from home more nights than he was away with just the first child. He may not help with any of the daily help that a baby needs. It may be you and the two children alone at home for greater lengths of time. The children may not get along when they are older and be constantly fighting. Just some things to ponder. Wishing you a positive outcome with whatever decision you make.
V.

I am the one that "really" wants kids... my hubby loves all are kids dearly. He would do anything in the world for all 4 of them and even the one on the way. But he has never really had the "earge" to have another child. He told me many time that if he was a woman "we wouldn't have kids". But in saying that - he has never stopped me from fulfilling my "earge" of having kids. His only "demand" on me when it comes to kids is that - if it starts effecting my health that I am done & tubes are tied. I do understand that - he doesn't want to loose me & neither do my kids.

I have always talked to my hubby before I conceive the babies... after all he is a big part of their lives as well. Usually, he does let me know if he has any concerns, but most of the time he tells me if it's what will make me happy it's ok w/ him - I can have another one.

All I can recommened is to talk to your hubby. Only the 2 of you can work this out. I do believe in my heart that he will love the extention of both of you as much as he does your daughter. Just sometimes they have to hold the baby before they get excited about it and some get excited about it when the baby is being carried. My hubby starts getting excited once I start really showing. My hubby gets a kick out of "waking" him up by rubbing my tummy & then watching him roll around in there. Hubby also watches me sleep sometimes, cause the baby is very active when I first go to sleep & this is the first (out of 5) that really moves around A LOT! So, hubby things it cool to watch him.

I wish you luck in sorting out the feelings here.