Husband Wants More Kids I Do Not.

Did you talk about this issue before you got married? How does what you wanted then compare to what you want now?

Okay, you don't want any more kids now, you don't have to have more! It's your body, etc

Although, I'll just tell you that I have a strong opinion against depriving kids of siblings. If there is a child in a good environment (healthy marriage, financially secure etc...) and they are the only one and you can physically have more kids, then I believe you owe it to your daughter to have one more at least. I feel that you all had one kid already, therefore you signed up for the sibling as well- in life, we NEED this.

I will admit it is bold of me to say so, but kids need siblings! If you can't provide them with one for any reason, FINE. But if you CAN... you should. It is my opinion and I'm sure there are others that disagree, but I couldn't tell you why. I don't know if YOU have brothers or sisters, but just think about it... Your daughter will have someone to share her life with- for the rest of her life hopefully. someone to grow up with, someone to relate to, someone to have holidays with, someone to play with (that lives with her), someone that can provide her with nieces and nephews... someone to have as a brother or sister! Someone that she can share stories with... ("remember that time mom and dad did that!") You may say that "oh her friend or cousin could be that person... it is NOT the same!"

Hey, I know I'm being bold. But at least you got my honest opinion.

Good Luck, I hope you and your husband can come to agreement on this.

Wow, some of the responses I just read to your request I thought were just crazy!

You and your husband need to agree TOGETHER on having a second child or not. Sit down together and weigh all the pros and cons - personally, financially, how another child would benefit/not benefit your daughter, etc. Communication is key but it needs to be thoughtful and constructive. If you guys can't agree right now then revisit the idea in a few months.

Personally, being any only child has its benefits and also having siblings has its benefits.

I have an older brother (we are 12 1/2 months apart) and I have a sister (15 years younger than me - she was a SURPRISE to my parents, ha)!! I love both my siblings a great deal and had a ton of fun playing with my brother growing up. I also absolutely adore my sister and couldn't imagine life without her - we will always be close despite the age gap!

That being said, my husband and I have ONE child. A 3 year old little boy and we are not sure if we will have more children. If we do not have more then I do NOT think we will be DEPRIVING our son of ANYTHING! We live in a neighborhood full of children, my son goes to a wonderful daycare and he has 3 beautiful cousins around his age that he gets to play with all the time! He is constantly around other children but he has the benefit of having Mom and Daddy time too. Financially and personally one child works for us and our son is not lacking anything from not having a baby brother or sister!

The number of children to have is definitely a personal decision and has to be made based on what works for YOUR family!! Just make sure you and your husband communicate open and honestly while respecting each others thoughts and opinions!! :) Good luck!

Please heed the warnings of those who have written previously. You BOTH MUST want a second child; two is not like twice of one....there may be many pitfalls your husband does not envision. There could be chronic illness in your second child, another daughter and not a son, or the very real possibility that the children will not develop as friends or even companions, thus amounting to raising two "only" children. Would you and he be willing and ready to handle these situations? The answer is a test of his interest in more children. And then there is the consideration of the fact that YOU are saying it is YOUR body and you do not wish to subject it to the rigors of childbearing again at this time. I see no middle ground on THAT point! But it is a topic that you both need to discuss at great length as soon as possible so that it does not continue to be an issue which comes between your happy era with your daughter. As others also said, "who knows" how you will feel over time when your daughter is fully engaged in school and her own activities and less so with you. But if you are older or have an established career, the longer you wait, the harder it becomes to decide to have another child after the first becomes more autonomous and independent. Good luck. There is NOT a perfect answer and the whole picture of a couple's life, circumstances, community and extended family is what is important.

Oh my, reading some of the previious responses has been a little astounding!
Please, please remember that this is your body! This is your life! Your husband is your partner, and you are his, but being a spouse means you are supporting one another in your paths, not changing your individual, spiritual path for the other person. I believe it is the same with our children. We do not have them for ourselves, they are their own people. Yes, we must care for them physically and spiritually and teach them to be beautiful people the best that we can, but they are never really ours. A 2nd child is not a gift for your husband or a right for your daughter - a 2nd child will be another human being - a life all it's own, and it deserves everything you have to give. And it will be your job to care for it and nuture it for the rest of your life, and if you do not want to do that at this time then don't! Believe me, your daughter will be okay if she has no siblings. Many, many, many people grow up with no siblings. I did! I am and have always been okay with that. If your daughter is in a loving environment she will be, too. These people that are saying that children have a right to siblings are way off base, don't listen to them for one second. Many people have loving relationships with their siblings, many have blistering hatred for their siblings - I have seen lots of both. Many people also have no siblings and are still happy, healthy people who are able to have happy, healthy relationships with people who are not related by blood at all. You don't need the added guilt of that on your plate. The definition of being family oriented is not "to have a large family." Families come in all shapes, sizes, colors & demographics and are all uniquely beautiful. Being family oriented means loving the family that you do have. And it sounds to me like you do, you are concerned about your husband's wishes, you adore your daughter - you are family oriented. But your husband should also care about your wishes. DO NOT worry about wether or not your husband will look for someone more "family oriented" in the future if you "refuse" him more children. If your husband did that then his definition of marriage and family is seriously skewed. (He'd be leaving your daughter, too, after all.) You are right, you are blessed and lucky to have a happy, healthy child! Love and enjoy her, it goes by quickly! Be grateful for what you do have, don't compare yourself to others' standards/beliefs. They will have many opinions/judgments for you but they will never live your life for you! Try to have a very HONEST conversation with your husband, encourage him to tell you every little thing he feels and believs about it and offer him the same courtesy. Talk it out, exhaust it, put it on a shelf and come back to it later, get an impartial mediator/counselor. But, by all means, do not agree to have another baby if you are not 100% heart and soul in agreement. It will not be good for you, the new baby, your daughter or even your husband if you have a baby and you don't really want to. Why would anyone want to have a baby with someone who didn't wish to do that anyway? Your husband is not being deprived - he has a beautiful family already, and a lovely daughter whom he can shower with love and affection and share wisdom and experience with.
Some people know exactly when they are finished having children and are okay with that. For others (like myself) it is very difficult to think that there will never be another baby in the house (maybe your husband feels this way?) My father in law has 4 grown children and grandchildren and still turns on his daughters' music boxes and cries in their old rooms because he'll never get that time back. But the truth is, no matter how many children you have, 1 or 10, there will always be a last one. I encourage your husband and you to focus on and enjoy these times with your daughter because they are fleeting. Make memories and enjoy the beautiful life that you already have. Be solid in your decision and you will never regret it, whatever you decide.
I wish you clarity and the best of luck in your unique family,
S.

Keep the communication open with your husband on this subject. You both need to in in agreement on this subject. You both need to understand how each feels. Keep talking and keep praying. I wanted 4 children and my husband wanted zero. We compromised and God gave us 2. This was good for us. AF

I'm sorry you are dealing with this situation. I would say that BOTH parents should want another child before you proceed with having another. You already know how much work a child is, and if you do not want the child, caring for it will be that much harder. Why don't you table the discussion for a while and revisit it later. Could you get your husband to agree to wait 6 months (or another given timeframe) and then revisit the issue? Afterall, you'll have to be the one who goes through the pregnancy. What if you don't feel well, will you resent having another. I would wait and talk about it again later. You may feel differently in 6 months or a year.

Have you considered adopting? If you are not totally opposed to the idea of having another child, but do not want to go through being pregnant and having a baby again, then adopting an older baby may be the perfect solution for you.

Otherwise I would suggest marriage counseling to work through your differences.

I think you should wait and see if you would change your mind, as the burden of bearing the child and the care of the child would be on you. If you do change your mind, have you discussed adoption, or perhaps fostering children? This way, you would be doing good for someone who desperately needs it, while not having to go through the trauma of pregnancy again.

LA,
When our son was about the same age, maybe a bit older, my husband also wanted more kids. I was sooooo thrilled with our son that it just never occured to me to have more kids. Than when I was 34 and our son was almost 6 I found out that I was pregnant. I pretended to be excited and was, for the most part, but also spent alot of time griping that he was just to the age that we could go anywhere, I wasn't ready for diapers, feedings, up all night thing again.

Bottom line, I now have a ten year old daughter who is the lite of my life. She and I are the best of friends, we have so much fun and I wouldn't trade the time I have had with her for anything. The other cool thing is that since my son was already in school when she was born, it's like having 2 only children. I guess all that I am saying is, don't rule anything out. Have that other baby, your 4 year old NEEDS a sibling and you will be blessed again.

Good luck in whatever you choose. You will make the right decission for you.

That's a tough one. I am in the oppoisite situation wanting a third child and my husband is done. However, I also had really really hard pregnancies, and I struggled so much with the first 3-4 months with nursing, etc. so I sympathize with not wanting to go through that again/

You definately should not have another child if you believe you will resent that child and resent your husband and believe it will make you feel bad enough that you would have trouble bonding and loving a child. That doesn't make you a bad person, but you have to be honest with yourself about the way you would feel about that potential child because in the end you must do what is best for him or her who has no choice in being born.

However, in the balance, you need to look at the degree to which your husband will resent you and how he will feel about you if you don't have another child. You need to weight those things against each other - who will be hurt more in the end by not getting what they want?

As a Mom, you know how much you love your daughter. If you think you could feel that love again for another child, I urge you to look at having another not as a duty or a job, but as a GIFT to your husband and daughter. Is the year of pregnancy and newborn craziness worth the resulting child and teh joy it would bring into the home?

I can also tell you, with kids that are about 4 years apart, that the second time is often easier. I can also tell you that I am an only child, and I believe I missed out on a lot not having a sibling. It is also quite stressful being an only child as an adult with an aging parent. The relationhip between my girls is so amazing, and I think it is an experience every kid should have. I am dying to take the kids to disneyworld and europe and it si so much fun to be getting mobile again now tha twe are past the infant time. But I am so glad for them to have each other even though it has delayed our plans a bit.

So, I don't know how you mediate this with your husband. Maybe a counselor could help you toowo discuss this, and act as a mediator. Therapists are good for helping people moove beyong the emotion of a situation and be explicit about their wants and worries. talking this through at length might help you two make the right decision for you.

Postscript: I will correct my language since it was misunderstood by a subsequent poster. I never said that a second child is a gift. Clearly a child is an independent being, and there are consequences for that child and the family.

I was trying to make the point that there is a difference between not wanting a child and not wanting to be pregnant and deal with a newborn. I was asking if you would be willing to see the pregnancy as a gift for your family, and as a sacrifice you are willing to make to get the outcome of another child. I was just trying to suggest a change of persepective with respect to going through another pregnancy and newborn stage. As I said, there is no case where you should have a child that you do not want.

Good luck to you both.

LA, it is not "depriving" your child if she does not have a sibling, as someone else said. It IS depriving a child if you have a sibling for her that you did not truly, fully want. You would be depriving her of time you spend together, of activities she could be doing but can't because it doesn't fit the baby's schedule, of attention you want to give her as she begins school and needs your help, and more. If you want that second child, if you are eager for that second child, then yes, it will all fall into place, but if you don't want that child, you may end up resenting not the child but the lack of time you have for your older child.

And siblings do NOT necessarily confide in each other, play together, share interests, or even like each other. They can be very close friends, but they also can be totally separate people who just lived under the same roof. You don't owe your daughter a sibling to provide her a playmate or confidant.

As for your saying it's "not 100 percent fair" to your husband, no, it isn't fair, but he needs to know that marriage is not ever perfectly fair; it's a compromise all the time or the marriage won't work. And with kids, the choice is yes if both partners say yes, but no if only one says no.

You asked for suggestions on how to deal with this--This requires a sit-down discussion at a time when neither you nor your husband has anywhere else you need to be and when your daughter is out or fully occupied elsewhere. And you need to prepare beforehand, thinking out and even writing out your points. You need to listen to him well and acknowledge his feelings and wants, but also not let him pressure you or plead you into agreeing to something you don't feel is right for your whole family. As others have said, a lot depends here on your age, your health, your personal experiences with your own siblings, his experiences with siblings, his feelings about whether he "needs" a son, and -- let's be honest here -- your current and future economic situation and ability to support two people possibly into early adulthood. All those things should be discussed openly. You may need to show him calmly how much work a second child would mean for you, not for him, and the impact it would have on your daughter--he may think "Oh, she'll just be a little jealous then she'll love the baby," but you already know it would mean more and it's a lifetime commitment for all of you, her included. Most of all, if he is really pressuring you so hard he can't let it go and he makes you feel bad for not agreeing, you both may need to see a neutral third party like a counselor to work through this. Let us know what happens.

My sister and I are 8 years apart. We aren't as close as we once were, but I attribute that to where we live - far apart. I'm sure if we were in the same general area, we'd be visiting and carrying on like we do when we are together.

I adore my sister - I'm the older of the two. I would not trade one second with her for anything. I begged my parents for a sibling almost every day - once I figured out that everyone else around me had a sibling. I thought I was missing out. I was...

My children - now teenagers - are very close. They are 2.5 years apart. They miss each other when they go to different summer camps or when one is away. They do argue and nitpick, but that's part of life. When it comes right down to it - they adore each other. They've already started to worry about what happens when they go to college - they want to go together... I don't know if that will happen and things change, but it's cool that they want to stay close.

Only children have a very different view of the world - I know. I was one for 8 years. I remember. That said, I'd still rather have my sibling.

YMMV
LBC

My Mom always told me she had my sister (22 months younger than me) so I would not be lonely. My sister and I fought like cats and dogs and the battles / hair pulls did not stop until we grew up and moved to different states. On the other hand, I know people with siblings who are best friends (with their brothers / sisters) and could not imagine their life without them. You just never know what you are going to get. One of my Mom's best friends had 3 girls each five years apart. They grew up, live near each other and they and their families are constant companions. With at least a 4 yr spread between kids, you wouldn't have them all in collage at the same time. I guess I'd like to know more about why your husband wants more kids. Has he always wanted a large family? I don't know how young / old you guys are. Is it a mid life crisis thing for him? He's not likely to go and have a child with someone else, is he? If you have not completely ruled out never having more children and think you may change your mind, why don't you and your husband talk about exactly what he envisions happening with a larger family? How does he think things are going to work? Many times, the Dad has to spend more time with older children while Mom nests with the youngest for awhile. If he wants to try for a boy (one of my friends I grew up with was 5 of 7 as they tried and finally got a boy the 7th time around), he may not get what he wants and then he can't send the baby back. You guys need to do a lot of talking in order to come up with what is best for both of you and your family.

He wants more children RIGHT now?

I don't like to meddle, but this is the most important decision in your life, after making the decision to marry. My opinion, is only my opinion, but I believe in planning to have children and I believe that both parents need to feel 100% certain about such an important decision. Also I hear you saying that you might at some point in time consider having another child, but not now. And gosh, this is your body you are talking about. We are not just baby making machines, we are thinking, sensitive people who deserve respect. Trying to persuade a partner to do something they do not feel comfortable with does not sound like compromise. How about a session of professional counseling with someone who works with couples? I'll bet you dimes to donuts you will find support in such a session.
Best of everything.

I do agree with a lot of the responses here, and then there are others I just laugh at. I was the 2nd born of 4 children. My older brother and I had the same father and my younger brother and sister had a different father, our stepfather. My brother was 4 years older than me. My younger brother is 5 years younger and my sister is 11 years younger. While the age difference has caused us to all have different relationships with each other, we have all been close. I was closest to my older brother growing up only because for a while it was just me and him. He was almost like a parent to me, we spent a lot of time running around outdoors together and he watched out for me. My brother is gone now, he was in a car accident at 16. I would not trade a moment in life for the ones we were able to spend together. I feel the only reason I was not as close to my younger siblings growing up was because they had a different father and right after my sister was born my Mom and stepdad divorced. So we went through the shared custody and I spent some time with them where they went to their Dad's on weekends and later they lived with their Dad for a while and visited us on weekends. Now we are separated by distance, but I call them or write to them and I miss them often. I was very happy to have siblings growing up and I am very happy I have them now. Having said all of this, I still do feel 100% that both parents need to want to have another child, not just one and it should not be a decision made upon pressure. I was scared to remarry after my first one did not work out. It took me years to realize after I did, that I almost gave in to my second husband who was quite persistent and I did feel resentment towards him. I am still with him and very happy, but I did not feel he let me make that decision completely on my own, so I was constantly wondering on what I could have missed out on. With every decision as big as this one you are going to see the pros and cons. There will be sacrifice and reward. I did lose a lot of sleep with my first son, and the birthing experience was scary followed by post partum depression, but the reward of my son who is not even 3 yet has been worth it all. I have always wanted at least 2 children, and I am now pregnant. There is going to be hard times but I am not even seeing them because I am blinded by the rewards. If you do not feel the same, then I would stick to your decision for now unless your feelings change. If they do not as other people have mentioned there are other options such as adoption. Either way, I hope it will all work out for you and your family. God bless.

You have a point and should be communicating with your husband. If you are not ready, then it's good that you're honest. But, as women, we do have age and health factors to consider. Women do have children well into our 40s, but then you'd also have to ask yourself how old your daughter would be by then and would you want to repeat everything you wrote when you're in your 40s. You have to find the timing that best suits your family and just do some soul-searching about the situation. And, sometimes life has a way of just making us adjust, so if you're adamant about not wanting more children now, just make sure your husband is in agreement with how you feel and doesn't try to pressure you into that choice.

This can be and is a very emotionally charged issue.
I do want to chime in as an only child with an only child. I often wanted siblings, and then also was happy with my solo role. I have created extended family that includes women and men whom are as close or closer than siblings to me.
People have written in with a lot of SHOULDS in their responses. I see that as a red flag.
There are good points on both sides. Adoption is certainly an option if that pleases both of you down the line.
It relieves you of the pregnancy aspect and other early infant things if you adopt at a later age.
Most importantly, as some others did mention is communication.
You could seek out a mediator or couples counselor to assist you with this piece in your relationship. A neutral third party often helps to diffuse the emotions.
Hope you find some resolution with your husband.
L. M

I am afraid I will have to disagree with the previous writers. I am an only child my daughter is an only child and her son is an only child, as are most of my cousins. None of us ever had the need for siblings. My husband is one of three and doesn't particularly get on with his siblings, which is far worse than not having any to fight with. A five year gap between siblings doesn't make for closeness. Older children tend to find themselves responsible for the younger one which often leads to resentment.

If you do not want any more children do not be pressured into it. There are too many children born as the result of pressure on the parents to have them. When they are really not wanted. I am not saying that if you got pregnant you wouldn't want the child but there is that danger, and I find that a terrible thing to do to a child.

Your husband isn't the one who has to have the child. It is simple for a man to have a child but not quite as easy for a woman. You will have to sit down and have a good talk with him, find out why he is so anxious to have one, perhaps he feels, like a lot of men, that he isn't quite macho enough if he doesn't have a boy. Your next pregnancy may not produce one either. How will he feel then.

There is nothing wrong in being an only child, for one thing you get all the attention which children crave. It is true that you don't have a confidant in the house, but you don't always have one even if you have siblings. You don't always like your sibling.

Basically you have to do what is right for you. Having children under pressure is a disaster.

K

how old are you? if you have many fertile years ahead ask him to wait awhile to see if your heart changes. if it doesnt before you are say about 35 re evaluate what you both want together. another option is to adopt a child that is also 4 or near your daughters age so that they can be close in age and have skipped the age in which you seem to dread.

That baby period was really tough for me too! So much so that I may have changed my mind about a second if it hadn't happened so quickly.

That being said, I think that the decision to have both of my children was the best decision I ever made. I actually didn't want any children, but I knew I wasn't going to deprive my husband. But let's face it. We know who does all the work, now don't we?

I have never ever met anyone who regretted having more children, no matter how many they had in the first place. I have, however, met scores of people whose biggest regret was that they didn't have any/more, so much so that they were willing to go thousands of dollars in debt and try outrageous things to get them. One woman that I knew through work offered me 100 thousand dollars to have a baby for her. It pains me so to see people that have downplayed God's gift of children only to realize later that it was too late.

Unfortunately, I have seen many men "move on" to younger, less career oriented women who put more of a priority on family. It burns me up, but I've seen it happen no less than 4 times, just with people I know.

No one can pressure you into this decision, but whatever you decide, make sure it's really how you feel, and keep a guage of how your hubby is feeling. You don't want to be blindsided later by his feelings or yours.

I kind of agree with you and i kind of don't. I understand not wanting to be pregnant and getting up at night and all that. I also agree that if you don't want more children it's not good to have more. But i believe you are not the only one in this game. Your husband being one and your daughter being another. I can understand his point of view. It's a good idea to have your children together so they are kind of near the same age. We started trying for our sec. when my daughter was 2yrs old but didn't end up getting pregnant until she was 6yrs old. So they are very far apart in age. They won't grow up close and when we grow old and even die they will be siblings by name only. I wanted to have them close so they would have each other in time of need or what not. So you are not the only one that you are making a choice for. You are making this choice for you, your husband and your daughter and other child you might want to have later on. In addition to your daughter will gain alot in having a sibling... Good luck with your decision.

You didn't say why he wants more kids. Have you talked about it openly with as little pressure/emotion as possible? It might help him just to be heard. If he's worried about not having a sibling for your daughter, there is tons of research that only kids have higher IQ, are more popular, etc. I don't think that's really important in life, but it might help him readjust his thinking if he feels it's for social reasons (to learn sharing, etc.). Did he imagine life with a son? Maybe he could be a Big Brother or take nephews camping, etc. He may just want a bigger family, but if he has clarity on his thinking there may be ways he can get some ball playing, teaching, etc. into his life. Best of luck to you :) D.