Screaming Banshee Mother

Becky,

I do know how you feel. My mother has always been "mean" and a screamer/yeller/temper tantrums also. I moved over a thousand miles away from Washington to leave my family behind/ phone calls are ok. I did not speak to my mom for 2 yrs because of her bad behavior on my wedding day. NOW they followed me to here!!!!!! I have been gone for over 10 yrs and they decide to up and move to a warmer climate!!!!

Ok so now I limit my daughters time (she is going to be 2 on Sept 25th) with my mother. I do not let her babysit I go to her house so as I can limit my time spent there.... I have to go to an appt etc. is my excuse when she starts to get me angry or I do not approve of how she is handling my daughter. I choose the day I go and I choose the amount of time I am there also.

If they are out of state then stay at a hotel not in their home. Explain if you have to about you just feel it is easier for the little one to spend the time in the evenings at the hotel unwinding in the pool, bathtime and just be with mommy and daddy. That is the end of that discussion. Do not let her get to you during the dinner/festivities. Go to another room/play with your son/go for a walk anything but let her get to you!!!

Good luck... you could always tell her that you have already planned your holidays this year and tell her maybe next yr but you'll let her know!
Take care,
Sharon

YUCK. (and VERY familiar...)
My mother behaves the same way.

I concur with the previous posters and have had to use this phrase with my mother on more than one occasion when we were abruptly leaving an event because of her behavior...
"If you are not going to use your words like a grown up we are not going to play with you anymore." (Then we would leave.) This explanation (overheard by my children) helped them to understand that grandma was acting like a child and needed a time out.

It took several occasions but she eventually toned it down a bit (in order to have some interaction with us) and can now maintain for about 2 hours before she gets ugly again. I feel so sorry for people like our mothers, they just don't seem to get the joy in life.

Stand your ground. You are a mother FIRST and her daughter SECOND. It took me a while to really "get" that (I thought for the longest time if I could just please her she would FINALLY be happy).

You said she doesn't visit you "for some reason", the reason is most likely that she has to/likes to be the one in control. She can do that better on her turf.

If you are really willing to try and spend Thanksgiving with her (instead of making an excuse not to go) then I would explain in advance that "When you get upset over things and grumble and yell it scares (son's name) so could you please try and tone it down while we visit. He just isn't used to that and we don't want him learning to get mad so easily." She'll probably take it the wrong way but atleast you will have established an acceptable behavior (and you'll know what to do if she doesn't meet it).

Good luck dear!

Your mother is who she is. As you said, she has always been that way. There is nothing wrong with you setting healthy boundaries with your family. Do not create a boundary based on emotional behavior surrounding the death of a loved one. Rationalize and realize that she was grieving. Base your boundaries on common behavior patterns and find opportunities to make time with her that is based around joyful family gatherings. Do not go into it with expectations that she is going to do something wrong. Keep an open mind and an open heart and look for ways to enjoy your mother for her good qualities. Avoid things that may spark her bad ones. Everybody wins by enjoying your time together. God bless all of you.

Becky,

Know you've posted an update on this but I wanted to mention that your mom's behavior sounds a lot like dementia...

She may not realize she's acting this bad.

M.

The other posters are right. Under NO circumstances stay at their home. And, it is best to visit them and not have them to your place. Warn her in advance (when you are not at odds) that you've been disappointed and upset with her yelling and screaming behavior in the past. Tell her that you and your husband are in agreement. If it happens, you will pick up your child (EVEN if it is just as the turkey is being served. Yes, you are serious.) and say, "I'm sorry, things aren't going well here. It's time to leave." And, then when you get there, DON'T let her call your bluff. Or you will lose forever. It has to be a real threat. It might take more than one occasion, but she will see that the first scream doesn't get screaming back, but instead, two calm reasonable polite adults picking up their items and calmly leaving. No further discussion. If you deviate one time, it won't work. So stand firm! Good luck!

I would just like to echo what the others have already said. Be honest with her and talk to her calmly and like an adult. I loved the advice that you tell her she is acting like a child and that you are leaving until she can act like a grown up!

I was raised by my grandmother. I have actually altogether cut off a relationship with my birth mother. Her behavior was different than your mother's but it was still toxic. It just was in my children's and my best interest to not have contact with her.

It wasn't an easy choice but the second I did a HUGE weight was lifted and I haven't regretted the decision at all. No, my kids won't know their biological grandmother, but it is no different than not knowing a family member who has died.

Just something to think about.

I don't know that you can "handle her." She is the only one that can change her behavior and if she is one of those types who is never wrong, it is highly unlikely that she will change. If you haven't already, and think it may help to try telling her why you limit your son's exposure to her (and your own), do so before Thanksgiving.

If you know that nothing is going to change, but you still want to have some kind of relationship with her, continue to limit your time with her and skip things that tend to be stressful - like major holidays. It doesn't sound like Thanksgiving in her home is the kind of holiday memory you want your son to have.

Good luck with everything. I know that this is a challenging situation to say the least. Just remember to put your family's needs first and you will be OK.

Kudos to you for being patient and understanding. there is obviously something going on with your mother. She is angry about something whether it is her past life, or she is not sleeping well, or going through menopause or a combination of things. Why don't you get together one on one and talk with her about why she may be unhappy. Come from the angle that you care about her and notice that she is not happy. Maybe you can find out why and help her with the problem. If not, it is better for your kids to know her than not at all and not spending any time at all with her will just make her more unhappy. Maybe she needs a hobby or a social group to help her feel better. I would limit the time with her because your kids are so young, but as they get older it is good to spend time even if she is not pleasant because your kids will learn how to deal with people like this, with the help of your discussions with them on how to handle it. There are people like that in life and they will come across it sometime and will know how to deal with it.

My BIL was like this in a way. He says the "F" word alot. One day we asked him too many times not to say it. My in laws were in a way defending him. Saying that even though it is there house my BIL lived there taking care of the place he can say what he wanted. We said it was totaly inappropriate in front of our son. So then he basicly got in our 2 year olds(at the time) sons face and repeated it over and over. My husband said that was enough and grabed our son and me by the arm and pulled us out of the house and took us home.

Then my in laws showed up at our house to yell at us for being inappropriate that my BIL was going through alot emotionally. We said fine but not in front of my child he wont and we dont need to be around that language either. Then we kicked them out of our house as well.

Long story to say this. If at dinner she is having a fit just pack up and leave. You, your husband and your child are what is most important. If she asks what is wrong simply tell her you dont approve of her actions and you will come back when she can treat you and your family with more respect.

My BIL no longer says those things in our house or if we are at his house. If he does he says sorry and trys not to anymore and tells the kids sorry. He didnt like the fact that we wouldnt be a part of his life if he wasnt more respectful.

I am currently reading a great book which is really helping me with some similar issues...it is called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend...so good..check it out and good luck

Dear Becky W,

Wow, there is someone else in the world with the same kind of mother! We could talk for hours. Has she been checked for diabetes? My mother was diagnosed with it 10 years ago.
It can cause behavioral problems due to the vascular dementia. Hang in there.

KG

YOur son does not need to be exposed to your mother in her own territory. His response to her is normal. Meet her at restaurants. Limit your times with her. Just because she is a relative does not mean there has to be much contact. Regards, R.

No one should act like that. Her husband shouldn't allow it and you shouldn't stand for it. When she acts like that, calmly tell her that you would love to talk with her but cannot stay since she is not acting appropriately. Then leave. Do not apologize for this. Also, when you visit her, if she "acts out", tell her you love her and would like to talk with her when she is calm, then leave. This also sends a good message to your son... that it is good to be calm and not to scream and that you don't have to put up with it and that you still love her anyway.

Hey Becky!
Not sure if you live by your mom and see her all the time, but that does make a difference. I have to say that if she has been this way for as long as you can remember the chances of her changing her behavior are very slim. I think the only thing you can do is decide how you are going to handle the contact you do have with her. You can tell her that you love her and want to spend time with her but when she is rude to you or your family that you are very hurt by her behavior and see she how she responds. You can agree with your spouse ahead of time on how you are going to handle it if she is being inappropriate. If you decide you leave you can simply explain to both of your parents that you really want to be with them, but your mother's behavior is making you and your family so uncomfortable and it is making you sad so you have decided to go home. Ultimately you have to accept that you cannot change her you can only control how to respond to her and try to give her opportunities to know that you want to be with her but you don't want to be a target for her anger. It really sounds like she would benefit from some professional intervention. Good luck to you!

-Jen

I have a crazy mom too. I don't know how to stop her, and I don't know how to stop your mom. I never will, and you never will either. You cannot change someone else's behavior. You can tell them how it makes you feel, or do what you've already done, which is limit your son's exposure to her bad behavior, but you can not make her stop.

I know that isn't comforting, but I think once you accept that she is who she is, and you can't fix her, the situation may be easier for YOU. You sound like a good person, and you sound like you are doing the right thing, so keep it up :)

Your mother's behavior is HER responsibility, not yours. If you want your son to know his grandparents, take him to see them. However, if your son does end up ating her and not wanting to see her as he gets older, that is due to choices she is making. She is an adult, not a child, and is responsible for her own actions and the consequences of those actions. The only thing you can do is demonstrate to your son is how you show love and respect others, including your mother, in spite of her own behavior.

Hi Becky,
From another Mama in your situation: any vacations to your parent's part of the country: get a hotel room, or stay at other friends'/family's homes. Under NO circumstances put yourself and your children at the whim of her bad behavior and tantrums. The second Mom starts misbehaving, calmly pack up your family for the rest of the day, and let Mom stew alone.

You have every right to decide what and how much mis-behavior by *anyone* your children are exposed to. Period.

Bless you whenever you put your children first.
T