Saying Good Night

He can't punish him for not saying goodnight. It's unreasonable and besides, it will just make him want to resist it even more.

Why don't you try leting DH take him up to bed in a very nonconfrontational manner where he then says goodnight to you. Or what about if you BOTH take him up to bed? OR what if DH tickles the goodnight out of him so that they bond and there is no demand for the goodnight?

Totally agree with Jo, here. Being bummed is one thing, but actually being ticked off...that's a problem. It's so narcissistic and controlling over a child's emotions.

Tell your husband to chill unless he never wants the boy to say goodnight. My ex was the same way, it was the "you must!" that made the kids not want to.

The more you try to force them the more it reinforces why they don't want to in the first place. :(

Is there a reason dad can't go downstairs and say goodnight to him, maybe tuck him in?

Sorry I keep adding to this, what really bugs me is that it ticks dad off. The proper emotion is it makes you sad. Ticking off sounds like the response of a Narcissist.

Tell your husband to grow up and go in and say goodnight to his son. Make daddy coming in to say good night a part of the bedtime routine.

dads don't understand small kids sometimes. try to work on their relationship when it's not bedtime. leave them alone more often. ask for dad's help more. they aren't bonding and until your son genuinely feels those things no amount of "forcing" will coerce him. trust me, been there. does dad have a short fuse where son is concerned? he needs to be patient and accept that you come to kids on THEIR terms. you don't treat them like a drill instructor and expect good results. it doesn't work that way. you can tell him i said so - i've been there and my husband and son are super tight now. but your husband has to be willing to meet him on HIS level.

My son doesn't like to say goodnight all the time cause it means it's bedtime. Or he's tired.

Does your husband say goodnight to your son? Is he involved in bed time rituals at all, or off doing his own thing? If daddy's not involved, it's not a surprise that son's not all that into saying good night to him. Dad needs to set an example and if he doesn't then he is being childish.

If son is doing it to get a reaction, that's worth a time out. Otherwise, hubby needs to grow up and get over it.

Your husband is wrong. Hes being a bully to want the child to be in time out for not saying good night. He cant force that from the boy, and it wouldnt be right to punish him. Dad is being lazy and not taking enough time to help put him to bed and doesnt deserve the kind words from a little boy. Dad needs to be around and be kind and be loving to his son and earn the words. He cant force them out of him. He will just make the son resentful of him. I didnt even make my kids kiss dad good night if they didnt want to. There is no law that says kids have to go kiss anyone and sometimes they have good reason to not want to kiss them,,or say good night.

I'm not sure why kids have to be made to tell people good night. You model that behavior by each of you telling HIM goodnight each night. Why isn't Dad coming in to his room to tell his son goodnight? Sounds like you're doing all the work and he's just hanging out in a different room. You could take turns putting your son to bed, or do it together. Your husband seriously wants to put him in a time out for not saying good night? Does he really want a "good night" from his child because the child fears a punishment if he doesn't say it? I think your husband seriously needs to chill. I would just stop telling your son to say good night to Daddy. If Dad makes himself part of a loving bedtime routine, maybe he will just start to say it on his own. And then it would actually be sincere. If Dad opts out of bedtime duty, he may just have to settle for his son's affection and attention at other times of day.

I think your husband is being a jackass. Your husband should take the high road and say goodnight first, and add, "Sweet dreams, Son. I love you, buddy!" even if your son doesn't respond or acknowledge him.

That said, you could also give your son some options. "Junior, it makes daddy feel sad when you don't say goodnight to him. How about a good night "High 5" for daddy tonight?" or "How about you blow a kiss to him, or fly it in on this airplane?" or "Let's make up a silly good-night song and sing it to daddy!"

Or... (work this out w/ your husband before hand) ... blow daddy off completely and don't even mention him as you get your son ready for bed. Don't go to daddy, just pretend he's not there. After a few nights of no mention of daddy, your son might bring up saying goodnight to him on his own.

I'm with Patricia. My son is almost 4 and sometimes he'll do the same thing. It's like pulling teeth some nights to get my son to tell Dad goodnight. Reason I believe is b/c Dad is not always a part of bedtime. Dad doesn't put on our son's jammies, nor does he brush his teeth. Dad doesn't say nighttime prayers. Half the time, Dad will read a book before bed. But I think kids just want consistency and routine. Dad not being a big part of that routine makes the kiddo rebel.

In your situation, perhaps Dad can brush his teeth, then get his goodnight hug/kiss. Then you can do the rest??

But honestly, your son does not need to be punished for it. I have thought the same thing before - "That's disrespectful to your Dad for you to not say goodnight." But now that I look from a different point of view, the kid's just being a kid. If it's his mom that takes care of his needs (food, bathing, books, etc) then that's who he's going to want to cling to. Just b/c my husband provides a paycheck - kids don't see that as Dad taking care of them. So I don't think they have that same 'bond' yet if Dad doesn't consistently and predictably play with and care for them.

Daddy is wrong in this.case. My children prefer me as I spend way more time and attention to them when both parents are home to do so. They understand that he has a full time job and mom works pt but see dad would rather do computer or watch Tv than run an undercover superhero expedition with a four year old. So yes there are times when my three kids will hug and kiss me and give daddy.the cold shoulder. Tell dad full attention....positive attention are required..

Sharon:

Tell your husband to grow up. Since your son knows it bothers him - it's a control issue. At the age of 4 and even earlier - children exercise their boundaries, independence and control - as long as it bothers your husband - he will continue to do it.

Putting him in time out isn't going to solve anything. It might just enforce your son being stubborn.

Have you tried having your husband put him in bed? Either way - the fact is if you FORCE your son to say it - then it won't be sincere. Tell your husband to get over it. He is supposed to love his son unconditionally and this is not loving him unconditionally.

Tell your husband to go about his business when it's bed time - good night - i love you. Sweet dreams. We put our kids to bed TOGETHER. Not separately. Maybe you should try that - doing it TOGETHER!!! Say prayers and read a book TOGETHER. Get your husband involved.

I haven't gotten a chance to read all the replies, but somewhere I once heard that you should never force a child to show emotion that they don't feel, because child predators could use similar tactics to control a child they are abusing. So, we never force our son to give a hug to Grandma or to say "I love you" if he doesn't want to. However, we do try to give alternatives... maybe a wave, or a handshake, or a fist bump! (And this tactic seems to work with stubborn preschoolers...as they get to have some control over the situation!)

Well that would be a really silly childish thing to put him in time out because he doesn't say good night to daddy. Maybe your husband should put him to bed if he wants a good night. Your son has his reasons.

hmm he could be sending the message "I like Mom best" which is perfectly normal at this age. Or he could be sending a message that he's had so much fun with Dad that day that he doesn't want it to end! Saying good night means admitting the fun is over. Could be, as many have already said, resulting from his father's lack of interaction with him at bedtime. You know your son and the situation best. Either way you'd be punishing him for his feelings, which I would never want to do. his feelings are his feelings. Maybe you could start teaching him to put his feelings in words. I want to play with Daddy some more tonight, I'm too tired, I only want to say good night to mom, I dont want the day to end...... He is not allowed to have a full out tantrum but he is allowed to express his feelings. It may take months of you modeling these different phrases for him to start verbalizing how he feels at bedtime.

Things like this are tough for us to deal with emotionally because we want to feel love from our child. But it can't be forced at all. My husband and I don't demand kisses, hugs, pleases, thank yous, goodnights, goodbyes... We need to model these behaviors for our kids, and they start to pick them up. My daughter will be 2 years in a couple months and she will often refuse to say goodbye to Daddy when he goes to work or say goodnight to Daddy at bedtime or give Mommy a kiss if I ask for one. We just say okay and say goodbye or goodnight or what have you to her. And she's really starting to pick it up and say it back genuinely. The genuine response is what you want and what gives you that wonderful warm loved feeling. Enforcing it with punishment isn't going to make your husband feel any better - it's not real then. He needs to show the unconditional love and gradually he'll start to receive it in return.

My DD did that when she was younger. I said that was rude to her daddy and put her to bed anyway. She also would not say good bye. In her case it was more "if I don't say it, it won't happen." I don't think time out will accomplish much here. I think that rather than taking him to his father, his father should come to him. Say good night to his son. Maybe make him more of the process (bath or books or tuck in).

Have Daddy be in charge of bedtime from now on. You take yourself out of the equation all together and say your good night downstairs. Do this for 2 weeks and not one time should Daddy ASK to be told good night. And neither do you. Just let your son say it if he feels it. After 2 weeks he will start saying it on his own. I promise.

I am always the one to put our 3 year old daughter to bed in part because my husband works nights every 10 weeks & sometimes my daughter won't say goodnight to her dad either. He gets upset nut sometimes I wonder Mayberry he should put her to bed on the nights he is home. Kids are funny & u never know what is going on in their minds. Sometimes I wonder if she wants daddy to put her to bed instead.... I don't think putting you're child in time out for not saying goodnight or giving other responses we want to hear to make us feel better is a good idea. My daughter doesn't always tell me what I want to hear to make me feel better & it can be upsetting but I remind myself she is a child & I know she loves me.

Easy....have Daddy put him to bed

Is your son not saying goodnight to be obstinate or is he just too tired at that time of day? My 3 y.o. daughter says goodnight to me, my husband and her sister intermittently. On days that she is too tired or "in a mood" I don't think it would do us any good to put her in a time out until she says good night. But if your son is doing this (or as the case may be not doing it) to get a rise out of you, then maybe there should be a consequence. Or maybe your husband could be the one to put him to bed some nights so he could be involved in the bedtime ritual.

How about Daddy taking him upstairs at night? Maybe he should set up the bedtime routine of reading a story and putting your son to sleep instead of you...or you both do it taking turns giving your son kisses.

Don't tell him to say good night...
You do your routine, say your good night's and then leave.
Dad goes in next says his good night's and then lights out.
It may take a week or two but that is how we handled the exact same situation in our home. Remind dad that it's nothing personal...your son is just 4 years old and he is testing your authority to make him do things. Good Luck!