Our Daughter doesn't like when we show any kind of affection or anything, she feels jealous and wants that affection from her real mother. I am her step mother and whenever I do anything romantic for her mother or have and romantic plans she gets upset and says her mother gets everything and she wants a bath / romantic dinner ready for her? How do we tell her the difference between a romantic relationship to a mother daughter relationship without her feeling jealous or neglected, shes almost 9 and me and her mother have been together for almost 3 years and shes an only child.
I don't feel for a second that this is a same sex or even an only child issue. This is a situation where she doesn't want to see the romance stuff!! With the exception of normal family hugging or hand holding, I feel the romantic stuff should be between the two of you. She wants to feel special and if she is articulating that she wants affection from her mom she should get it.
I don't think it has anything to do with your lesbian relationship, jealousy is a normal reaction when someone "new" is brought into a relationship. As far as she see it, you are the new person who has disrupted her relationship with her mother. She wants her mother all to herself.
As far as affection goes, that happens in our house. We have been together almost twenty years. And when my hubby tries to hug or kiss me, we often find a child at our ankles "joining in". I think it's normal. We kiss, hug and cuddle in front of our kids constantly. Inevitably, someone is interrupting or saying "give me a hug", etc. ( We do keep any heavy make out sessions to ourselves though, I think that would just be a little weird.)
I have to wonder how she knows about all these romantic plans? Romance is generally something private. My children never know ahead of time that Daddy and Mommy are going to bathe together. Or that Daddy made a special bath for Mommy. They may get and idea of it ( like candles left in the bathroom and asked about), but they don't know our plans ahead of time. Romantic dinners generally happen after bedtime (prep and everything) or when the kids are not at home. Having this time is important to any couple, but telling kids about it, makes them feel excluded. And a child already struggling with her "place" in a family does not need to feel excluded. These romantic interludes need to happen during a time when your child is oblivious.
Well, probably the fact that you guys are a same-sex couple isn't the real issue.
She's jealous. She wants her mom all to herself. Not unusual at all in any type of step-parent relationship.
At 9, she really shouldn't be seeing a lot of overtly romantic (bubble baths, PDA's, etc) stuff between the two of you. General affection-yes. A touch, a kiss, hand holding.
I think, like most married couples, your "romantic plans" should be on your watch, not hers.
Good luck!
Sounds like your stepdaughter is looking for some special one-on-one time that she sees her mother getting. You need to develop your relationship with the child. Do something special with her, just you and she. And then mom should also spend some special one-on-one time. You have to "fill up" her emotional tank!
Sounds like the same-sex part is not the issue, it's that your step-daughter wants more attention. She's at a tricky age... not quite a little kid, but not yet an almost-adult. In your shoes, I'd probably tone down the obvious nature of the special things you're doing for her mom (still do the special things, but maybe make it a little more private), and increase the number of things you're doing for and with your step-daughter. Plan to spend one evening cooking dinner with her, just the two of you. And have her spend another evening doing something special with her mom. She may not realize all of the special things you already do for her, and sees the time you spend preparing treats for her mom as time you're taking away from her.
Agree with the other posts. This is a competition for her, and she wants to be the recipient of any and all attention (a natural instinct in a child, particularly one who is dealing with sharing her mom with a relatively new spouse/step parent).
I personally, think all family dynamics work best if the romantic/private time is conducted after kid hours. Dinners should be family dinners when there is a kid around. A "romantic" dinner is by it's nature, one that excludes a child. Why would any kid not act out if they felt they were being excluded from something that involved their mom.
And most kidsdo feel awkward around any affection between their parents that is of a romantic nature. When it's a step parent, it becomes even more complex.
You are not on a date when there is a kid around. Get used to it!
You're just going to have to sit down and explain that the relationship between a mother and daughter is different than that of spouses.
Little girls don't get romantic dinners. They get trips to the park or local indoor play area.
You're just going to have to lay a strong boundary. As long as she is receiving appropriate attention for her age, she will eventually accept the difference.
Definitely sounds like she just want more one on one attention with either of you, and maybe more family time too. We are going through a rough time where all we do is work at home, and my son is feeling neglected (he's 3). He acts out when he doesn't get enough parent time (one on one or as a family). Be glad she is telling you that she wants it, he just becomes super cranky and mean.
As for how to tell her, just be open, a romantic/partner relationship is this way, parent/child relationships are this. And then give her some choices of what she wants to do, a family thing or a date with just one of you (maybe just offer it with her mother if you know she wants/needs that), and what her choices of things to do are - mini golf, dinner and a movie, a bike ride, etc. That way she knows what is an appropriate parent/child thing to do together, and she gets that special time she needs.
I would probably try to explain to her that there are all sorts of different kinds of love. One kind of love is 'mommy-love', this is the love a mommy has for her child/ren where you want to see the person you love grow/prosper, keep them safe, be happy, etc... there is also 'child-love', which is the love a child has for their parent, this love means you look to them for guidance, care, acceptance, comfort, etc... 'brotherly-love' the love of siblings (biological or otherwise) have for one another-protection, safety, testing boundaries...and then there is 'adult-love' which is the love two adults have for one another where they want to be together because they make each other so happy, feel good, blah, blah, blah. Different kinds of love call for different types of behaviors to express said love.
Use your own definitions of/for the different types of love. Same sex relationships can be confusing for kids, and I think more so when the child is the same gender as the parents. My sons seem have a harder time with their fathers relationship than my daughter does. Does your daughter have exposure to other same sex parent families? I think that could really help as well.
Sorry if I am not much help, I am kind of just winging it, too :)
You said:
"SAME SEX MARRIAGE CHILD advice!!!
Our Daughter doesn't like when we show any kind of affection or anything, she feels jealous and wants that affection from her real mother. I am her step mother and whenever I do anything romantic for her mother or have and romantic plans she gets upset and says her mother gets everything and she wants a bath / romantic dinner ready for her? How do we tell her the difference between a romantic relationship to a mother daughter relationship without her feeling jealous or neglected, shes almost 9 and me and her mother have been together for almost 3 years and shes an only child."
Is your wife spending time one on one with her daughter? Your step-daughter may not feel that she's getting enough attention from her mom, and she may feel that she's sharing too much time with you. She's a child and is entitled to feel that way. She shouldn't have to compete with you for her mother's affection.
I also noticed that you refer to her as your daughter also, but I wonder if that also has something to do with it. How involved is this girl's father? Does your step-daughter consider you a mother? How close are you to her? How often do you do things as a family versus having dates and romantic dinner with her mom?
maybe set a special dinner once a week for her. cook her favorite meal and just let it be special and all about her. she wants attention and such. i dont think she fully understands the term "romantic'' lol
I agree with the other poster...this seems like a jealousy issue, rather than confusion.
I'm wondering if she may be starting puberty/hormonal stuff, and needs or wants to have her mom around more. She's telling you what she needs (in a confusing way), but I would listen to her.
I think I'd also give her some 1:1 time with you. Take her to do something special, and then talk to her. You don't have to explain being "romantic". You just have to show her that everyone gets the same amount of special attention in different forms.
Is there a way to dial back the amount of planning she sees for your date nights? Do dinners outside of the house? No baths until she's in bed?
