Am I Asking to Much from My Husband???

Romantic? What does that word even mean?? Lol. I have found the most romantic things that my husband can do for me is change a diaper, work full time so that I can stay at home with my kids, love my kids and I, wash a load of dishes and change the cat box. I know that not every woman has it as good as I do, and for that, my husband IS romantic! I don't get flowers and chocolates and he can't plan a date night to save his life, but I love him just the same!

We have been there. I always nagged and nagged why don't you do this why can't you do that...never got us anywhere. So I decided to change somethings myself. I tried to be in a better mood, be more lovey, more romantic, tell him how I cared and felt for him. All in all make him feel more loved all around as well. It worked...he has opened up more with me, leaves love notes, text me all through out the day, we have date nights about every other week, snuggle for movie on the couch, candlelight...it did wonders just me changing abit to get him to change a little as well. We have been married 4 years and 1 child. Got together at 17.....but I fell more in love with him now than ever. Good luck sweetie!!!

I have struggled with this too. My husband and I have been together since we were 15 yrs old. That was 13 years ago. We have been married for 7. What I have come to realize is that, romance doesn't have to be like in the movies. With the brushing of your hair off your face or kissing your hand or spontaneously bringing home flowers or a love card. While these things are romantic, most (not all) but most guys aren't quite programmed to know to do that. Look for the hidden little things. Him holding your purse while you go to the bathroom at the store or him going shopping with you to pick out new jeans. Maybe he agrees to go to a show with you that he wouldn't normally go see on his own. It took me a long time to see the little hidden things but now that I do, I am much happier. He is romantic. Just in his own way. Good luck and I hope this makes sense. :)

Romance is in the eye of the beholder. If my hubby takes out the garbage, picks up his dirty socks, or compliments my cooking more than once during a meal, that is more than enough for me! I don't think it is fair to compare our hubbies to others' (when it comes to romance.). Some guys are more creative, some, like my hubby, are just practical.

There's a good book out about the five languages of love.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp...

We 'speak' different languages so what he may think is romantic and loving may not be what you understand as romantic and loving. We did premarital counseling and the therapist recommended this book. If you are both willing to try and talk each other's languages, it may help you feel a little more loved. The languages are
1. sex
2. acts of service
3. gifts
4. words of affirmation
5. quality time

hth!

i don't think it's a bad thing to be not-romantic, but i'm troubled by his offhand responses to your attempts to tell him what your needs are. it's not about how often you have sex or whether he writes you love notes or not, it's about how he thinks about you and talks to you.
i think i'd move away from 'here's what i'd like you to do for me' and take it into 'you need to listen to me with respect.' he can disagree or suggest other things, but to dismiss you in this fashion is not okay.
red flag alert.
khairete
S.

My husband is not romantic either. Im ok with it, because I think it can be kind of cheesy. I really dont think he even knows how. I mean, he takes me away sometimes and always celebrates the special couple occasions. Does that make him romantic? But, I completely agree, I wish my hubby would just kiss me or hug me for no reason, without other intensions. I tell him to, but no luck so far. :(

Ha, Ha...you're from Surprise, AZ and you want your husband to surprise you more!!

Anyways, help him get started. On your next date night, you get the sitter arranged, but tell him he picks the restaurant and movie. A few years ago, I felt similar. So I wrote down 5 things I'd like (flowers, take-out instead of cooking, go to bed early and hubby put kids to bed, etc) and put them in a jar. My husband had to pick one a week and do what was on the paper. I know it might sound lame, but he wanted to be romantic, but needed a little help knowing what I'd like. He did those five and then threw in a few of his own ideas.

At this point, take him up on his suggestion for no sex. Every time he makes an advance or tries to get some, brush him off. Maybe even say something like "why have sex, what does that get me--one more night a week?" I think he needs a dose of his own medicine. He is being really insensitive with his responses. You aren't "romantic" or "nice" to your spouse in order to get something in return--you do it because you love the other person and want to make them happy. He is being a selfish jerk and maybe he will see that if you stop letting him walk all over you. Right now he gets to have his cake and eat it too. I would remove the cake for awhile. I bet he'll come around. So, you got married young, but you guys are barely 30--do you want to spend the next 50 years submitting to his needs and having your needs dismissed? Stop making excuses for him--asking your husband for some affection is not too much to ask.

I do not get the need for "romance" per se really i do not! I do not need or have a desire for flowers or public displays of affection, I know who my mate is and mine knows it as well. But here is what I have offered up to other friends and it seems to work well often. Give him an example of what you want by doing it yourself ... if you want a random token of affection get him one, if you want a nice candle lit dinner after the kids go to bed arrange it, if you want sex with the lights on do it ... after a while he gets the picture and likes it enough he will more than likely do it himself for you. Not all men get it but many do. Really i just enjoy playing video games together or reading in the same room or him reading while I watch tv whatever combo as long as we are in the same room quietly for an hour with the option to talk or banter a few times a week and see a movie or do dinner I am happy with the romance ... for us it just happens but it's different than what others may see as romantic. I like when he randomly pulls my hair while I am cooking, it tells me he likes what is going on and I will be "rewarded" later. TMI for some maybe but that is what works for us.

Sounds you've got a good man and you know it. That's great! As women we all want the romance, the little touches, gifts, notes and such. But as men most of them just don't think that way. Its like asking a dog to think like a cat, not going to happen.
I have a wonderful husband too, but we have the same issue. When he comes home from work I go for the hug and kiss and he grabs my nipples. Drives me nuts!
I've had to learn to get rid of my school girl ideas and go for reality. If we're sitting watching a movie and I want him to put his arm around me and gently touch me, I tell him. I have to say, "Honey, I'd like it if you'd put your arm around me and touch me gently." Guess what? He does it. It doesn't take the romance away because I had to ask for it. I've learned that having a "big talk" about what I'd like in general will never work. It goes against his nature so he won't think about it. But if I ask for what I want when I want it I almost always get it.
If I want a romantic date I'll call him at work and say, "Honey, do we have anything to do tonight? I'd really like to have a romantic evening with you. Maybe we can go out and act like we're dating?"
Good husbands want to please their wives, but they will get very hurt if they think they're doing a bad job at it. So instead of telling him what he's doing wrong, tell him what he's doing right, then ask for what you want.

We've had date nights and it is a priority since before our daughter was born almost 16 yrs ago.

Our date nights are not always romantic, etc. Things we do.....dinner, wine tasting, drinks, sporting events, concerts, I tag along while he plays golf, we shop, etc. It does not always have to cost a lot of money.

That said, my hubby has said to me before "what's in it for me". I don't get ticked, I just know it is him (men in general). I do put little notes in his suitcase when he is heading out of town and believe it or not....he does read them and like them. I didn't do it once as a "test" and he mentioned to me that I forgot something, LOL.

Also, we will send texts or email throughout the day, sometimes naughty. Email is ok for us since we own our company and no one is going through company emails, LOL

I see where you are coming from. Maybe if you communicate with him, non verbally as well, he'll get it.

Good luck "practicing".

I don't understand your husband's response "Why what would I get out of it? One more night of sex a week?" I assume he was complaining that he would like to have more sex with you? If that is the case, maybe you should try giving him more sex and then maybe he will be more romantic? It's hard b/c most guys, I believe, are not romantic - especially when you have kids. But his sex comment concerns me. Talk to him about that and his wants/desires.

Updated

I don't understand your husband's response "Why what would I get out of it? One more night of sex a week?" I assume he was complaining that he would like to have more sex with you? If that is the case, maybe you should try giving him more sex and then maybe he will be more romantic? It's hard b/c most guys, I believe, are not romantic - especially when you have kids. But his sex comment concerns me. Talk to him about that and his wants/desires.

I think you do need to spell it out, and don't use the word "romance"--use words like "connection" or "doing things together" or "being considerate". Romance is sometimes kind of false notion that Hollywood pushes at us.... Tell him it's the little things and use "I" statements instead of "you" (I feel instead of You should).

That being said, if he does not get it after you spell it out, specifically in little words nicely, I think you should do what Anne A says and remove "the cake." Let him know that you appreciate that he has needs, but you also do and he is too used to having his own needs met while ignoring yours.

my husband is not romantic . was when we were dating but not anymore. i have tried everything to encourage him to step up to the plate, but it is not there. Is it that they are lazy or getting older and it is not a priority ?
The Love lang book is a great book to do as a couple and the homework may get him intrestead again.

No, it's normal and really necessary for the romance, to help foster intimacy, communication, show appreciation, care, concern, attention... not just for sex either like he is suggesting. Intimacy and romance are way more than that. Some men (like some women) have to work on it.There are a lot of articles on this even in men's magazines.

Maybe you can try these little simple and sweet romantic ideas and he will eventually follow as well:

http://www.dumblittleman.com/2008/01/50-ways-to-be-romant...

here is an article that explains why romance is vital in marriages and keeping them alive. it's an article and a video:

http://www.videojug.com/interview/romance-in-marriage-2

The 5 Love Languages book is good to read together, like others suggested:
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp...

First Suggestion if you have never read it is read: The Five Love Languages. Everyone expresses and feels love in different ways. It sounds like his is physical and yours might be Time or Words of Affirmation or even Service and then possibly physical. You usually have more than one or even your Top 2. Once the both of you understand this, the better off it will be. Being romantic is a general term because it means different things to different people. If you can be more specific to your needs or some things you would like to try, I think that might help. Even though you feel like you are planning all the date nights maybe you could do something romantic and set the Example for him to follow. Perhaps be more subtle about it instead of so direct and see if it changes things. Work on changing your approach. All The Best...

Your husband thinks that now that he got the girl, he can relax and be a frat boy for the rest of his life. Wrong. It is up to you to ensure that you send him the message -- that this is not acceptable.

Not acceptable means that if you cannot get what you want out of the relationship, then there is no reason for you to give more or even keep giving. Tell him clearly what you would like to see more of, and guarantee that if you get this, BOTH of you will be happier and more satisfied in the relationship. It's an easy win-win. But, if he refuses to budge, there is no reason why you cannot withold your attention and sex toward him until he gets the idea.

I understand that this will be a very unpopular answer -- however, I retain my opinion that at times, witholding attention and affection is the best way to make it clear to someone how you want to be treated. If he knows he'll get sex from you no matter what he does, he may think it a big deal to put up your requests for romance, and simply dismiss it for nagging. But, the next time he reaches over and gropes you, and you make it clear to him that you do not like to be touched this way - and reinforce later in the evening that no sex tonite becuase you want himto understand what you need from him, it will get him to open his eyes a little bit more.

Like I always tell my husband - it is up to you, honey, you can have drama, or you can have no drama. You want to think it's totally OK to dismiss what I have to say about our relationship, go right ahead -- but expect drama, and expect a difficult wife. You want an easy, carefree relationship and a pleasant wife that never says no and takes you over the moon each and every time we -- well, you know? -- then, keep it drama free. Listen to me!

Because you married a man so young.....he did not have time to bond with older guys who were in the throws of romancing a women to win her affection.

Because you married a man without a good father and mother as role models that then show him how little kindnesses go a long way in keeping a marriage healthy and strong, he doesn't have that frame of reference in his mind to readily pull from. He has nothing in his background to refer to, except for his early marriage to you.

I think you are going to have to double your efforts in the romance department and SHOW him yourself these sweet, romantic ideas that you wish he did spontaneously.

And from the sounds of his immature replies already coming at you, like 'fine, we don't have to have sex anymore'..this is not a logical, well thought out, mature response, and at some level I hope he understands that too. Or this might not end well.

I suggest you read, then you both read the book "The Five Love Languages" It has great advice in how to decipher what is your own love language and gives tips on how to fulfill the other. Almost all couples have a different love language that just makes them tick along a lot happier. So if you can find that for him and start to 'fill up his cup' so to speak, there might be some change if he is open hearted.

Good luck!

You can not change your husband. What you can do is learn his way, instead of insisting he does things your way. Just like you get frustrated when people tell you how to do things that you naturally just would not do. The book on Love languages is great. Once you figure out his you will feel better and you can talk it over with him. The languages are touch, talk, togetherness, tasks,and gifts. My husband is a task and touch guy. He'll do the dishes or some laundry or put gas in my car. I'm a together person, I come into his home office and just hang in there and he is fine with it. We really feel loved when our spouses let us be ourselves. Let him be his self.
Good luck!

You know, perhaps you could ask your husband what he *would* want out of it. Ask him how you can meet his needs. Do you respect your husband? Does he know that you do? Do you show it to him in tangible ways? Do you TELL him that you do? Imagine if our husbands just expected us to know that they love us, without them ever telling us that they do. Not a fun place to be. Respect is the same for them as love is for us. They need it to breathe. Tell him that you don't only want romance for your sake, but so that you can bless him more, too. My husband and I had a similar talk. He started sending me little emails everyday. Sometimes just one or two sentences. Other times more. It meant so much to me. He was thinking of me. You might give him suggestions of things that speak romance to you. It is such a broad word, and he may be intimidated by it. Tell him you don't mean that he has to buy you anything (I assume that is the case). He might be thinking you mean flowers and jewelry.Don't give up. You are doing the right thing in communicating with him. Even if he seems resistant, I bet he's thinking about what you said. Tell him how cute he is when he flirts with you. Encourage him. Blessings!
UPDATE:
You mentioned Love and Respect. We watched the videos, and they were really good. Would he be up for something like that? It really helped us see how the other person thinks. It was a real eye-opener!

It's up and down for us. I'm not a terribly thoughtful romantic, so subtlety is often lost on me. :( Sometimes I just snuggle up to my husband for no reason and that seems to work. He wishes we went out more together, but we just can't afford it. Some men are more expressive (I have a shoebox full of notes and poems and pressed flowers from a summer when we exchanged letters) and some do not easily go beyond meeting your physical needs. I probably wouldn't say that outright, but maybe initiating it more yourself could help. The first night my husband had to stay away (a friends' wedding) I was so pathetic I wrote tons of tiny stupid notes, some just "I love you"s, and stuffed them all through his drawers in socks and underwear, inside books he might pick up, and so on. He has one of them framed on his nightstand. He won't necessarily initiate those moments himself then but it might help create more romantic moments for you. I also try to initiate totally unromantic (as in "quick, the kids are sleeping!") sex once in a while.