SAHM Relies on a Man

Personally, I think it is fun to sit back and watch life kick people in the butt sometimes! I think that you are a strong woman but she looks up to her biological mother and that is where she is getting the attitude from. I have gotten a few men that are also the same way. It is a shame that we have to be on the look out for people that are ready to take advantage of us. There is probably not much you can say that will really help.

You are already coming up with honest and spirited responses to her comments. I think you're doing about all you can, and I'll bet as long as you treat her as if you like and respect her, she will continue bringing her honest comments to you. She could even be bouncing them off you to get an additional perspective.

Isn't it interesting how kids mirror what they hear/see in adults? I'll bet she carries some of your comments home to her mom, to see how SHE reacts. She sounds like a bright little girl, and will probably figure out many things for herself by the time she's grown up.

I'm just remembering that when I was 8, I used to dream out loud to my mom about the fabulous, huge horse farm I was going to have some day. Miles of lush, green pasture, crisp white fences, big beautiful stables, and of course, the best Arabian and thoroughbred horses anywhere.

My mom kept throwing out all these practical objections about money and labor, warning me not to get my hopes too high, telling me I'd probably be a secretary or housewife, etc. I was always so disappointed that she could never just listen and support my dream.

Of course the dream would (and did) change as I grew up and learned more about reality. But my mom lost early, or never had, the ability to just let my thoughts be my thoughts, and by the time I was 11, I recall clearly thinking that my mom was never on my side, so there was no point in ever telling her anything again.

I guess I relate that story because it seems to be the other side of giving good, caring advice. If adults listen with heart, children are quite capable of figuring many things out themselves. Following this leading, I've really enjoyed the books Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish.

I think you are already doing a great job. Your responses to her have been perfect. Her Mom obviously has another view and you can't control that. You are doing what you can. Your SD is who she is, but she will have at least another 10 years at home to observe. Keep up the good work when she is on your watch while respecting her Mom's point of view.

She's an 8 year old.....she thinks all kinds of things inaccurately right now. Just let it go, the more you make of it, the more she's going to continue it in the near future.

I think she needs to learn the value of a dollar and just how much work a SAHM actually does. Does she do chores for her allowance? If not, maybe she should start, and only get paid based on what she does and how well she does it. If she makes another comment about you just sitting at home letting a man buy everything for you, I would make her walk a day in your shoes, doing all the things you do, so she can see just how hard you work. I think what she said was disrespectful to you. She not only needs to learn to be her own woman, she needs to learn to respect how hard you work to be sure she has all the options in the world open for her future.

She's 8. Just continue trying to give her a solid and realistic foundation on your end of things.
I raised my kids myself and worked and I am certainly guilty of telling my daughter more than once...."As soon as you find your Prince Charming...."
The fact is, prince charming doesn't exist and if he did, I would have found him.
My daughter is grown and works and takes care of herself so just saying things in passing or off the cuff about finding a man to take care of you didn't hurt anything. At least in my case, but my daughter always saw me work. Not just having a job, but mowing the lawn, cleaning gutters, fixing the hot water heater, replacing toilet parts, you name it. I didn't need a man for all that. Working outside the home or not.
You don't need to explain to her why you decided to stay home. And the comment about you letting a man buy you everything might have come from her mom if there is a little bitterness involved on the mom's part.
Staying at home and having a man isn't nearly as simple as it sounds, but like I said, she's only 8. I have a daughter and it's tough to know the right and appropriate way to word it, but as she gets older, she needs to understand that some men will take far more from her than she gives back and it's not worth it.
I have a son.
He knows how to sew, do laundry, cook, clean. I've seen too many men think they need a woman so she can do all the things their mothers never taught them to do. That works both ways.
Our kids need to know how to be independent and take care of themselves if need be. My son won't get a girlfriend just so she can do his chores for him and my daughter doesn't seek boyfriends so they can buy her what she wants.
I've taught them to take care of themselves and it sounds like you're on the right track with your step daughter.
You can't control what her mother says to her or what ideas she puts in her head, but you can be very subtle about teaching her to earn things and take pride in herself.

She may be charming, but she also might find out that people won't appreciate her attitude about guys just giving her what she wants.
Especially the guys she expects things from as she gets older.

tell her i stay at home because I want to and he cant buy me everything I want because of it.(doesnt matter if he can) and if I want more nicer things I would get a job. The mans job is to supply our needs not wants.(wants are nice but a budget only goes so far) explain to her if you are just marrying for money you will never know what love is.

Haha, she IS a smart little girl, but definitely does need an attitude adjustment. One thing you could do to show her that you DO work is write job descriptions for everything that you do in a week. Put it on paper, like it's a resume, and show it to her. Use euphemisms for the actual work. Instead of "grocery shopping" write something like "conduct periodic inventory review of provisions. Cross reference various retailers' advertisements to determine optimum prices for foodstuffs"....etc, and so on (of course, doesn't need to be THAT professional for the purposes of an 8 year old). Have her put a $ amount of what she thinks each task should pay. You could also look up the statistic for what a SAHM would REALLY be paid if all of her labor was counted. Probably would dwarf most working dads' salaries.

Just a thought...

So, are you saying that women who don't work outside the home are not smart or strong? Sounds like you're giving her conflicting stories in that what you are doing and what you're saying, are two different things.

Continue to be the best role model you can be. Explain the differences between needing something and wanting something, as in, you don't NEED a man to take care of you, but right now this is the situation you both WANT. Explain the difference between dependence and self sufficiency. Explain that you are perfectly capable of supporting yourself and buying whatever you need and want, right now your JOB is taking care of her.