Sad Situation

Updated on June 12, 2013
B.. asks from Fort Worth, TX
4 answers

I have answered many posts with references to my BPD mil. We actually went to see her last week. We drove 1500 miles between going there and back. We stayed approx 15 - 20 mins with her. She ranted most of the time. Stuff that is in no way, shape or form, true. She took a call for several mins of that. Told us she was getting married (highly doubt it), going to move again (6 times in 2 yrs). She named a guy but I think it's her landlord. She trusts the wrong people. Hates the people who love her. As I say, she ranted the entire time. Then ask how long we were staying and looked sad when we said we were leaving the next morning (?). She pays her bills. She drives terribly. We have told her doc and the police. Nothing. With the post about the brother who is mentally ill and homeless, it makes me wonder about a solution. I see none. We've come a long way with physical illness but have few tools for the mentally ill. How do we cope better?

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So What Happened?

Thx for your thoughts and kind words. Yes, I do remember about your mom, Nervy. I am sorry about your pain, too. I have not read that particular book but I have read one on it and gone to the BPDFamily website, although not lately. I have boundaries. I hadn't talked to her in a yr. my Husband is much better at Medium Chill than I am. He can ignore the crazy but I want to defend myself and his brother and sister. I know it's just a recording she has in her head but I get drawn in. He really wanted to see her and I agreed to support him. Oh, was it painful.
It's not a sexy issue. But I think it's linked to every ugly issue this country has to face. It's part of addiction, incarceration, poverty, hunger, abuse, abortion, and health care issues. I am a Christian and Republican but I can see people of both sides yanking chains and pulling strings with the abortion issue when the ugly Spector of the Mentally ill is the shadow that covers us all.
Power of attorney requires her consent. Not going to happen. Hippa laws just make it worse.
Inept physicians and pain management people have preyed on her and made her pain med dependent. There's a special place for them after death.
Flying is not an option. She lives far from a good airport and we would still have to drive 3 or 4 hours and be out that money. We try to send cards. She is really mad that I sent a grad. Invitation late. I could not take that chance of her showing up. That would have been too stressful in an already stressful day.
Oy. I am still mad deep down. But much better after two and a half yrs and lots of boundaries.
Thx again for your support.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

❤.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

You do what you feel you can with setting limits & boundaries for yourself.

Instead of a visit, try calling often, sending cards & letters, a care package
once in awhile.

Go see a counselor for yourself to see what you can do, what you shouldn't do, how to keep a distance & still be a family member.

Maybe google counselors in her area & have your hubby gently encourage she make an appt to talk to someone. That's about all you can do.

You can limit visits to a few times a year. Can you fly next time? Get there faster.

Check out a book from the library on BPD to read up on it yourself to you
will have a better understanding of the illness, how to help, what not to
do, what is to be expected, how to support the famly member, etc.

When you listen to her speak, ignore what you find to be outrageous
info.

Take care of yourselves. Do what you can. Set limits. Know you can't
fix her illness but can be knowledgable and aware of what it's
limitations are.

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.P.

answers from Portland on

You cannot do anything except have boundaries for yourself. It is sad that she's this way but she's able to care for herself. You will only increase your stress and cause yourself unhappiness if you focus on finding ways to help her. Instead find ways to let go of your need to make her better. Focus on your own life and let her live hers.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.K.

answers from Los Angeles on

How about medical conservatorship or power of attorney?

1 mom found this helpful

S.M.

answers from Dallas on

Not sure what your ultimate goal is, as far as her medical status, only a psychiatrist can help with that. If you are In contact with her Dr that may help. But if your goal is to help by taking over some or all of the responsibilities that she can not manage you might be able to declare her as incompetent. (My Foster sister was going to have to do this with her mom, because of some of her mental health issues). By doing that she would have gained control of her income which she would have used to take care of her mother properly, (she was already the mothers primary, only, caretaker/provider) she would also have access to all of her mothers medical info. And she would be able to control the mothers irrational behaviors better. My Sister didn't have to declare her as incompetent yet because her mother began behaving, but I suspect that eventually she will.

The advice you have already been given about boundaries is very good, my sister basically has done that as well, it can really make a difference when you get to where you can separate yourselves from her illness/delusions.

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