Rules for an Almost 15 Year Old

My 14 year old will be away at camp for a few weeks this summer, and we have a bunch of family camping trips, but aside from that I have been letting him have more screen time than usual. I insist that he get his chores done before he gets screen time, I plan an outing at least twice a week (bowling, go-carts, mini-golf, museum, zoo etc.) and I make him go out with his friends at least twice a week (bike ride, pool, bowling, fishing). I am finding I am having to make the plans for him and his friends as they don't seem to be doing it themselves, but it works. (example, I will tell him to call John and tell him to meet him at the pool at 2:00pm, or call Connor and ask him if he can go bowling this evening). He receives an allowance that it tied to his chores. I don't have a problem getting him to take up activities, but I would definitely insist on at least one. Let him choose which one.

He's "a good kid" but a typical teen. A lot of 15 year olds don't want to be seen with their parents (museums, ice cream dates, sitting together in a restaurant or walking together at the mall). Some of that you let go. They're "training" to be independent adults and it's okay. But you don't take any backtalk.

At 15, learning disability or not, he's plenty old enough to understand the rules of thew world, which include not getting something for nothing. You want a paycheck? You do your assigned tasks. You want an "A" in history? You work, keep track of your own assignments, face the music with the teacher if you don't do or turn in your homework, and budget your time. You want spending money? You work. You want special privileges? You become a cooperative family member.

Stop reminding him about chores. If you feel he does better with a list, post one someplace. As soon as he nags you for a ride, for spending money, for someone to make his lunch or dinner, for XYZ favorite snacks...."Oh, did you check the job list, honey?" Don't lecture him or list all the things on the job sheet - just tell him to check it himself. You have to take the argument out of it.

Start by putting him in charge of his own laundry and his own room. Close the door to the room if you can't stand it, but he doesn't get to take food in there if he doesn't clean. He needs a clean shirt? He's perfectly capable of starting a washing machine. If he can operate a gaming control, he can operate a vacuum cleaner.

Anyone who is too immature to do the work or to remember to look at the list of things needing to be done is WAY too immature to remember, say, traffic rules when he gets a learner's permit. He doesn't need you to remind him to work - he just waits for you to get good and ticked off before he does it; he takes multiple reminders because you allow them. So let him know that anyone too young to remember basic instructions is too young to remember to call the fire department if there's a fire (therefore he can't stay home alone) or too young to be allowed at the movies alone or at the mall without supervision. But above all, STOP ARGUING! It's better for you, and it disarms the teen - he actually will start to realize that you are in charge and have the ultimate control. He can't fight you if you don't fight him. Don't wait for him to be grateful for you giving him food/clothing/shelter - just use his 'currency' which is privileges.

In my experience, it gets better at 16 or 16.5 (when driving classes loom) but it's less painful for everyone if you ease him into it now and he sees that you mean business.

Take the screen(s) away except for 2 hours per day - and he has to earn that screen time - it's not a given.
If he doesn't earn it then he gets none.
If he doesn't want to do anything fun then he can work - wash and vacuum the car, take care of the yard, clean/organize the garage, walk the neighbors dog, etc.

I suggest that a rule limiting screen time will be a start in getting him to do other things. I would offer the activities you listed. I would actually do these because I enjoy them. Has your son experienced involvement in any of them? If not, he doesn't know if he'll enjoy them. I would insist that he go with me 2 times. If he doesn't like them he doesn't have to go again. I like B's suggestions. I might give him extra screen time after he goes with me.

Perhaps there is a venue related to his interests. I'd take him to movies, for example. What are the subjects that he watches on You Tube and Netflix? Can you relate any of them to an actual activity?

If you haven't involved him in activities until now, he will resist. Still, you are the parent and need to find a way to get him involved. If you continue to let him use electronics whenever he wants, he will always choose what he's comfortable doing over an unfamiliar activity.

Does he have friends? I might start by providing activities that involve his friends. If he doesn't have friends, I'd find out why and how to get him involved with friends. If he interacts with school friends, get them involved.

Your description fits my 13 yo grandson who has Aspergers. Has your son been evaluated for that possibility? If he's on the spectrum, you may need to use a different approach. My daughter gets contact info for school friends and sets up time for moms and kids to have time together. She's found that he has more fun with younger or older kids. She's gotten him involved with a friend's kid. That has expanded to include the friend's friends.

I suggest not doing chores is common. His currency seems to be electronics. Tie being on the phone, tablet, TV in to doing chores. He can use them after he gets his chores done. Even then, enforce time limits.

Except for the learning disability, your son is my son's twin. My son is a gamer. He would prefer to be online gaming than any of those things you mention. He does not socialize in person. He prefers to come home from school and get right on that computer. And all of my kids have to be told repeatedly to get something done so no surprise there either. They used to be good at getting chores done when they got home from school. Unfortunately my son let the gaming get in the way bigtime. Once dad went to work after they got home from school, he was on the computer instead of doing and turning in chores. Now he has a ton of makeup work to do to graduate. Once school starts again, I will be taking away the headphones he uses except for weekends so that he cannot game. This is the perfect "rule" for your son as well. No Netflix or You tube until chores are done. He can earn time with these things by doing other things as well. Also, maybe a check list will help him get things done-similar to a chore chart.
I don't think you can force a child to socialize or join clubs, it just is not their personality.

We plan to start something this school year. Family days out. Even if you don't want to or your missing out on some thing, still have to go. No complaining. When we return home, they can do whatever it was they missed. Usually, they end up having fun anyway. We just have not done anything in a long time.

He's a good kid so why try to mold him into some other person you would like better?

I would be annoyed with the not doing chores but why not tell him he can't be online or have TV until they're done? Problem solved.

Our kids can be online anytime they want and the TV is on almost all the time. Kids get stuff done and they can do what they want.

Daily chore chart on the fridge M-F...besides homework, one or 2 chores that must be completed after school and before anything "fun". If it isn't done to your liking, then he loses electronics or something else he likes. Simple. There is nothing to 'argue' about. If the daily chore isn't done, he gets the consequence. Starts over the next day. Eventually, he will look on the fridge, do his stuff and it shouldn't be an issue. Good luck.

Have him get working papers so he can get a job. Sitting around day after day is not healthy and would drive me crazy.

(My 18 yo daughter couldn't find a job this summer so she joined a gym to give herself something to do. She also goes out with friends several times a week. (No one wanted to hire her since she will be going away to college in August. By the time they trained her she would be leaving. )

I have two in this age group. One has a best bud, but finds other friendships challenging even though kids like him and he like them. He's an introvert. So we do camping weekends with family friends, etc. so he's around other kids. He got involved in a sport a few years ago which helped.
My other one has good friends in a group - but even then, hasn't been calling them up to get together. Some have been away. I think if they have to put work into it - they don't. So like Beaver Canoe, we sometimes suggest the plans and basically give them the option to ask a friend along. Sometimes they do - sometimes they don't.
My kids all went to camp so that was good. They enjoy it.
Rules - no devices unless chores are done. Period.
Reading - one of mine this age reads, the other doesn't. We go to library and they come. The non-reader may pick up a special interest book (hockey, etc.). Even if it's not a novel, I'm happy if he actually looks at a book :)

I'm not sure if we are all interpreting your question correctly. You mean something like a "visit to a bowling alley"...with you? Well I'm not sure how that would help him "make friendships". How about offering to drop him and three friends at the bowling alley one day? (Instead of him sitting home on YouTube.) Part of the "problem" might be that his friends talk about the latest internet videos - he has to keep up!! (I'm just replying to the "make friendships" issue here - the chores issue has been covered nicely in the other replies.)