We have no trouble saying no when they ask us something inappropriate and answering the girl's outrageous questions. The only reason we allow her to come over is because she is nice to my dd and they have so much fun. Would you discourage the friendship? My husband and I answer all our girl's questions about this and share our values so she know sright and wrong and what not to do. We worked hard and saved for what we have. They chose to spend everything and live in debt. They are getting on our nerves.
When they RSVPd and asked if the entire family could come to a party, I told them how much extra it would cost them. When the kids saw me at a community event and told me they were hungry, I told them to ask their mother who was right there listening. When the mother explained she had no cash again, I told her they had time to go home and eat and there was an ATM at both entrances. The daughter later asked mine why I didn't buy her family food when I bought mine. My daughter told her "Momma always does seperate checks at restaurants and the carnival is like a restaurant." They walked up behind us when we were in line for food. We didn't go together.
When the daughter asked me "Why does my mom have to give you the money for my scout uniform if you paid for it when you picked it up at the office? That shows you had the cash." I told her because the money came out of my family's money and it is every parents' job to pay for their own kids. It is not my job to pay for your stuff . Plus her dad makes more money than us. I told her that I only offered to pick hers up because her mom didn't have a car that day. Before I agreed to pick hers up, I told her I needed the cash or a check when I got back. I still am waiting on that cash so I will not make that mistake again.
When they ran out of gas last night at McDonalds they waved me down in the drivethru. I stopped when others waved and kept going. She told me they had no cash so I said "I can drive you home or wherever you want." Then she remembered she had her ATM card as always and she bought her gas.
They make more than most of us, but spend more than they earn and live paycheck to paycheck. I resent that we live frugally and they make comments about us having money for a vacation. This is our first ever vacation as a family and they took one every year. "I wish we could afford..." My husband and I always speak up and say how we live without credit cards, save as much as possible, don't waste money, save cash to buy things, etc.. We don't do it to be obnoxious, but to show it can be done.
The mom stopped me last week to ask if she could have all our guest passes for the pool because if everyone gave her theirs, she wouldn't have to pay for a membership. I told her it would cost her $10 per person, per day and when she gets the cash, to let me know. Our free guest passes(10 per year) are going to someone else and they are. We don't know who, but it will be someone we invite and enjoy. I was so annoyed that I decided if she asks me who will get them, I am going to tell her I haven't decided yet who I will invite.
When I babysat her kids, I did take them to McDonalds and bought them lunch. I also invited them to do a big craft project for Christmas. I also gave them some clothes that I could have sold, but were too small for my child. I don't understand them thinking they can use us. What would you do? I like the girl except when she is putting me on the spot. Then she is like a mini version of her mom and I feel stressed and agitated. We decided not to babysit for them ever and have been screening our calls. I avoid talking about her when other moms mention her. Some think "She needs to learn to say no. She is too much of a giver." I want to say "Are you kidding me? Giver? She is the biggest user I have ever met in my entire life." Apparently she has 2 personalities or something. Or maybe she is nice to the women because they are married to doctors and have their own pools. I don't know. I met a woman who told me user mom has been a lifesaver for her because she babysits and takes her shopping. I wanted to ask if we were talking about the same woman.
After reading many of your responses, I realized I do NOT want to model putting up with users and moochers under the guise of friendship. As soon as school is out, we are totally done. i am going to invite others over and to the pool in hopes of my dd moving on. I am also going to have a more blunt talk about them and explain the difference. MANY THANKS.
We just attended a party where she invited her whole family to come because even though it is 5 minutes from my house, I can't get a sitter and my other kids want to come. The host prepaid $30 extra and they did not show. The place does not give refunds.
All the moms there saw the things with their kids names on them and we all waited for them for 20 minutes. Four of us decided no party invites for them anymore.
I feel sorry for the girl. I what are her parents teaching her? You mentioned scouts, I am wondering if you can have them do a merit badge or something about financial matters. I would base it on Dave Ramsey's TTMM book.
I'd like to know what she was doing at McDonalds when her vehicle was on empty. Priorities people.
.
I agree with Page. I think you are going to have to treat them like very young children who need repitition. Did I mention repitition? Wow, I can understand being frustrated! Be a better person than I, stick your ground and be as civil as possible. If it helps, joke about it in private, they do sound like fodder for a SNL skit. It's hard to chose our childrens friends, just make sure your daughter knows your stance and how your family operates. I wouldn't go out of my way to help these people or associate too often with them though.
Ugh. That is not a friendship, it sounds very one sided & stressful. I wouldn't and don't, associate with people who are unaccountable for their actions, self entitled, users & victims. I would encourage my daughter to find different friends, personally. Unfortunately, the kids are learning that it's okay to act like that, from their parents.
I have had to cut off friendships in the past, and in some of those situations, DD lost a friend, too. She found other friends, and is fine.
My motto is that if someone adds stress & drama to your life & nothing positive, it's time to cut them loose. Life is too short.
I know that your DD enjoys their daughters friendship but honestly if it were me I would try to cut ties with this family or gently but firmly tell this mother that you do not appriciate her constantly asking you for money, handouts, freebies ect. It is possible that they have allienated all their other friends with this behavior and she feels that you are her only friend.
If you don't want to keep your DD from playing with her friend try to limit the time and place a park or some other place or activity where neither of you would have to spend any money and see if that curbs the requests.
i dont know if i could deal with these people, how uncomfortable! however, if you think that the daughter does genuinely care for your daughter as a person, then thats something worth thinking about. i think either way, you are handling it great so far and are doing both girls a huge favor in life lessons....
You sound like a very nice & tolerant person! My daughter is one of those kids who "troubled" kids gravitate toward because she is kind and tends not to be judgmental (just like me - sound like you also!). Occasionally, there will be a friend in the mix who is stressful, and I have to think about what it in her best interest as far as how involved to be with certain kids. When she was younger, it was easier (she's 7, almost 8), it was easier, because the dynamics were simpler - for example, she had a friend who would get so frustrated that she would throw a mega-tantrum & start yelling "I hate you" at her mom in public. She had many fights with other kids, but not with my daughter, whom I think she sensed liked her despite her behaviors. Well, as my daughter is getting older, I am seeing that these same kids are now starting to be emotionally manipulative with her (i.e., tactics like saying "I won't be your friend if...." or ignoring her if she won't go along with something), which her better adjusted friends don't do (and she doesn't do). A recent situation with a bully-type girl (not a friend) just brought this all to a head, and we had to draw some boundaries with her around some girls. Basically, the rule is now that other girls' problems are not her problems, and she is under no obligation to solve those problems. Her only task is to be a friend - kind and respectful to others, but she is to expect the same of people who are her friends, and if they cannot do that, she can let them know very clearly that if they don't change the behavior, then she won't be hanging out with them. My daughter was relieved to know that she didn't have to maintain a stressful relationship just to be "nice." So, if I were you, I'd model this for your daughter and talk to her about it - at this point, given all the things you've detailed (wow!), I would talk to the mom and clearly let her know how her behavior (hitting you up for money on many occasions when she sees you) is making you feel pressured and he you have a strong urge to avoid her, and that, unless she changes something, you will be making a point to not spend time with her/her family. Also, you are worried that her daughter will be putting similar pressure on your daughter when she wants something (and, make not mistake, she will - and all those times she is being "nice" to your daughter will give your daughter a reason to bend, even if she doesn' want to!), so you don't think it is a healthy relationship for your daughter and won't be encouraging the friendship. I'm not just giving you advice I don't follow, mind you - I just talked to a friend of mine (who I like!) whose daughter is having some problems and who really likes my daughter but says mean things out of frustration on occasion - I told her that I'm sorry to have to do this, but it's happened too often, so I've given my daughter permission to tell her daugther that if she continues to say these things, she will not be hanging out with her any longer. The mom understood and appreciated that I wasn't doing it our of dislike of her daughter (I do like her!) but for preservation of my own. Of course, all parents won't be as receptive, but I am ok with that - my main concern, as the end of the day, is my daughter's well-being. I think, at the end of the day, better to teach your daughter to recognize and actively cut off unhealthy relationships while cultivating good ones than wait for natural "drifting." She'll have to make her own decisions about this at some point, and it doesn't get any easier!! Good luck with this, and take care of yourself! Sounds like you have a handle on what is really important and should have people in your life that are positive and don't stress you out!
If everything you say is true, she's a "Moocher" and you are a
"Martyr". I would suggest that you let the girls remain "casual" friends, but discourage play dates, sleep overs or family gatherings. Their friendship will either stand the test of time or gradually end. Either way, the girl's mother aggravates you way to much for the two of you to have a relationship.
Blessings....
I'm glad you're not getting manipulated by them despite their many attempts to make you pay for them. I would completely distance myself from these exhausting mooches. It wears you out to have to constantly say no, so why put yourself through that. Your daughter can make other friends or play with her at school only or something. It definitely wouldn't be worth it to me.
I would have a hard time being friends with them. It is uncomfortable to always be put in this situation. A "friend" of mine was constantly doing this to me and I backed off the friendship. It didn't stop her from calling me up and asking me for favors though. She acted like I owed her, and I was being selfish for saying no. Finally I just laid it on the line for her and explained that this was a one sided relationship and I had to think about what was best for me and my kids. She wouldn't be there for me if the positions were reversed and in fact when I needed her help she wasn't there, so I couldn't keep being there for her. Some people will suck you dry. Think about what you are teaching her daughter. She is seeing you as the bad guy right now. Probably this is coming from her parents. How many years are you going to tolerate the situation? How far are you willing to let it escalate? My suggestion is to cut the relationship here and now. Just because your girls like to get together doesn't mean you have to be "friends" with her parents. Draw a line and stick to it.
I think the little girl asked you about money and paying because her parents talked about it in front of her. Kids don't expect others to pay unless their parents expect them to. It would annoy me too. Summer is a good time for the girls to drift apart naturally.
Wow, SNL skit is right, haha where do people like this come from???
Ok my thought on this is, will the girls still be friends in another year? If they end up at different schools, or have different teachers, or change activities, is it possible that DD and this girl will drift apart?? If that's the case, I woudl continue to do what you are doing. If not then i think you need to have some talks with your daughter about your values and see if you can get her to think about what might be wacked out about this family. And strongly encourage your dd to separate.
WHile i am Astounded by your accounts of this lady's behavior, I am even more FLOORED that other people are calling her a giver, WOW.
Good job on handling your finances in a mature way and teaching your child/ren how to be responsible adults.
I don't know exactly why, but if it all is as you describe, maybe the mom is a little, ahem, nuts?
To make your life less nuts (tee hee), stop doing any favors. No more picking up uniforms, no more helping out with childcare. Just be too busy.
You'll have to decide if you want to address the monies owed for the uniform. And once you do decide if you want to totally alienate her and get on her case about it (this will keep her from asking for more, unless she is not from this planet or has no shame) or just let it go for your own peace of mind, stick with it. If you want the uniform money, I'd ask the mom for it now, before too much more time goes by. But it really does sound like she has some serious problems in her perception of reality and how the world works.
It sounds like you don't have a hard time saying "no," so I don't really get what your problem with them is.
Just keep saying no. And enjoy what's good about them.
And don't talk finances with the little girls. I don't understand that.
