Daughter's Friend Invests a Lot of Money into Their Friendship.

I don't have great advice for this, but I will share my thoughts.. I wouldn't stop the girls from being friends. A true friend is hard to find, and generosity, even excessive amounts, is not a good reason to end their friendship, IMO. My family was poor, but I started working at the age of 16 and was always careful with my money, unlike the rest of my family. So sometimes when I wanted to go to the mall or to dinner or whatever, if I wanted to take a sibling, I had to pay for them in order to enjoy their company because they couldn't afford it. It's not nearly the same as your daughter's situation, but I will tell you that it was worth spending the money to enjoy the company. I suspect that is what her friend is doing - She's used to doing certain things, and wants to enjoy those activites with your daughter. So spending the money so your daughter can join is no big deal to her. I think the girl's heart is in the right place. And her parents probably don't blink at the cost of the money.

I would talk to your daughter about your family's budget, and explain that she needs to be careful not to take advantage of her friend's finances and generousity. Come up with some cheaper activities that they can do together and make sure your daughter insists on paying her way. Or even treating her friend once in a while. Try to help them find a balance between the lavish things and the more low-key things. The goal in the end is to make memories together, and they could both learn a good lesson that you don't have to spend a lot to have a good time with a good friend.

It's tough.
To you (and me) $300 is a lot of money.
My wedding dress didn't cost that much!
But to this girlfriend and her parents $300 is pocket change

It's great your daughter and her are friends but your daughter is developing some pretty expensive tastes and she's getting use to living beyond her (and your) means.
I wouldn't return the gift - it's ungracious.
But I'd consider having your daughter get a job and see what it takes to earn $300 (after taxes).

Firstly, decide if the issue is them possibly dating or the friend's generosity. If you are really upset that they may be dating, then that is a separate issue and would put the dress in a different context.

You seem to otherwise like this girl, except for the money aspect. Have you talked to your DD about it? Have you explained that it makes you uncomfortable and that you want her to reciprocate or use the money you give her? Do you/your DH feel like you are less-than because a 16 yr old girl can give your daughter so much? 16 is an age where things are black and white, so bear that in mind when you discuss this with her, as I see it as shades of gray. It is not just that the friend is generous but so much so. I had a friend in college who was super generous, and I finally had to say thank you, but sometimes I want/need to do it on my own. I would also talk to my daughter about how I didn't want her friendship with this girl to be based so much on gifts.

There are a lot of ways to get a child to understand money that have nothing to do with the generosity of others. I would use other tools to show my DD the value of a dollar.

She is 16 years old, I'm surprised by the responses that say talk to the parents. Your daughter is the very first person you should be seriously speaking with about your concerns.

Throwing in the fact that you husband thinks they are dating and "possibly" wants to not let them go anywhere together at the very end of the post is a little strange.

You need to work on your relationship with your child, big time. If she's dating anyone, girl or boy you should know. The circumstances of their friendship have everything to do with how to handle the "over-spending".

Step away from the computer and go talk to your daughter.

At this point, I would not make an issue out of the dress. What's done is done. To make a big stink and give it back now would be awkward and make everyone uncomfortable. Your daughter should keep the dress and sit down and write a thoughtful thank you note to her friend and her parents.

Going forward, you should address this with your daughter. She needs to stand up and INSIST that she pay for her own dinners, tickets, shopping, etc, when she is out with her friend. Explain to her how to be assertive and say, "thank you so much for your offer to treat, but I insist I will pay for myself" If her friend persists, coach your daughter to say "thanks again, but my parents gave me money, and I know they are expecting me to use it"

If you are close enough with the friends' parents, you can give them a heads up that your DD will be sent with money and ask them to please allow her to pay her own way. They have been very generous in treating, and while she can graciously accept a treat every once in awhile, you don't want it to be every time, on a regular basis. And you can certainly invite her friend to be your guest for less expensive, or home entertainment (make brownies at home, sleepovers, etc) It's not the price of the outing, it's that the invites to be someone's guest go both ways. The friend sounds like a sweet girl, I'd bet she would be thrilled with any opportunity your daughter would invite her to hang out with her.

I think your husband is over-reacting. The money is her parent's money. Girls like expensive dresses, it doesn't mean there is anything more to their friendship. I would try to convince him not to make an issue of the dress now, but change the way it's handled going forward. And to not forbid your DD from seeing her friend.

I would not end the friendship, but I would set boundaries, and that would start with returning the dress and the money, and buying a dress that was within her cash limit. It almost sounds like you daughter is taking advantage of this other girl, and that is not okay.

The girl is not undermining you. I get how you feel. My daughter's bff has the spend-aholic parents as well. She's 9 and has an iPhone, a few American Girls doll with all the fixin's. An enormous Barbie house you could practically sleep in, every electronic and new toy sold on the market, and a walk-in closet full of expensive cothes to make Tammi Faye Baker or Imelda Marcos jealous. My daughter has none of those things and never will. But at her friend's house it's disneyland. Her parents aren't wealthy, but they do OK and they love to lavish gifts on their kids. It has never come to a point where they tried to spend money on MY daughter, though. But if it did, I would say NO. Just like I tell them no internet when my daughter comes over. Otherwise the girls stay up on youtube til all hours on the girl's phone. Nope. I told the mom my daughter was not allowed to surf the net, so they take the phone away when she's there.

If they said, "Hey, can we take your daughter to a fancy restaurant and treat her?"

No.

"Hey, can we take your daughter on a fabulous vacation even though you could never in a million years reciprocate?"

No.

"Can we spend time shopping at the mall regularly to pass time even though we're rich and you're not?"

No.

"Movies?"

Not this week, too expensive.

You can ALWAYS say no nicely with the option to think of something else less expensive, not a rude no.

You can't be shocked that she ended up with an expensive dress after all the other things you have allowed.

You should never have allowed this one-way spending. They were just trying to be nice. They are rich people spending money like water, and you have never objected.

The girl is not buying this stuff for your daughter.

Her parents are. I'm sure their daughter still got a dress.

If not, take it back and apologize. Thank them for all of their generosity and explain you feel bad accepting so much since you don't have a budget to reciprocate. Say you should have said something sooner, but your felt self-conscious and they were so kind.

That's true right? It makes no difference how much money OTHER people have. they KNOW you don't And they know your daughter can't keep up. And they've picked up the slack.

They may be in a RELATIONSHIP??? Ok, maybe. Or maybe that family is just rich. But how weird would it be if a BOY's family bought all this stuff for your daughter and took her on vacations? Not ok. Are you thinking the family knows they are lovers and spends all this money on them together because of that? Or are you thinking the girls are secret sweethearts milking the system" Or what?

Stop the spending if you are not OK with it. The relationship is a separate issue. Find out what's up. Any sexual relationship between teens should be kept to a minimum and not nurtured with dollars and extended social situations in high school imo.

If this is simply a friend, and a good one with very rich parents, then state your case graciously with good will that you can't have so much money spent on your daughter in good conscience. They are very possibly just nice, wealthy people.

I am often pay for meals and entrance fees for my granddaughter's friends. Most of them do the same when my granddaughter is with them. I suggest paying for your daughter does not mean she is buying friendship. Yes, some people do that but you didn'-t say anything to indicate she is.

Why does your husband think she's gay? Again, nothing in your post indicates she is. Teen girls are close. They support each other as they make their way towards adulthood. Being a teen is very stressful.

I also think $300 dress is not appropriate. I would use this incident as a way to talk to her parents about how you feel. Use I statements. Listen with an open mind. Perhaps all of you can come to an agreement on what is appropriate.

I suggest that letting the friend pay for some of the things you csn't afford is a good thing. It allows your daughter to share experiences with her friend. It broadens your daughter's experiences which will be helpful to her as an adult.

Even now, as an adult, friends pay for things that I wouldn't ordinarily do or sometimes just because. I don't have as much discretionary money as the do. I do reciprocate when i'm able.

Friendship is there for teens to learn about themselves and how to relate to the world as it is for her. It sounds like your daughter doesn't have many friends and that this friendship is important to her. I would not take away a friendship at any age. It's especially important that your daughter be able to choose her friends while you're there to support her as she learns by having her own experience.

This is how we learn. Trying out different things. Surely you don't expect your daughter to blindly do as you say. She has to decide for herself what kind of person she will be. You've had the past 16 years to instill your values. Now it's tikme for her to integrate what she's learned from you with whom she will be as an adult. She.needs your support as she learns from her own experience

Later: I took my granddaughter and two of her friends to swim at a community center. They had enough money for admission but not for food. I gave money to my granddaughter to buy chips and soda Because chips and soda are part of going swimming. You gave your daughter $50 for a dress. I suggest that your daughter give what money she had to her friend to pay part of it. For smallergies things, your daughter can contribute what she has or use it to buy her friend a treat. My daughter and her friends and now my granddaughter's friends do that. They were taught to do so by their parents and I graciously accept it.

I suggest you have a conversation with both girls about doing this.

Please talk to the parents. They might give this girl a thousand dollars a week allowance...okay, it's just a number that popped into my head. She might have money laying around because she doesn't have any needs or wants.

Ask them how they feel about this. They might not even know about it.

For instance, they banquet is coming up. Their daughter asks for some money to go buy a dress. They give her a credit card or tell her to use the account at such and such store.

Then both girls go. They both get dresses and the other girl puts them on the parents account. Parents get bill and pay it. Not even noticing that it's $XXXX.xx. They might have asked her how much she spent on her dress and she said $XXX.xx. They might not know it was for 2 dresses but think it was for just one.

So please give them a chance to explain how they feel about money. If they are the kind of people who show love by giving gifts then this friend might only know that one way to show her caring for your daughter.

Ask them if they understand that she's treating your daughter to things every single time they go out somewhere. That you give your daughter money for her own use but she comes home without spending any of it.

IF IF IF this girl has a crush on your daughter or your daughter has just gotten use to having a friend that gives her a lot of stuff or the friend is just generous beyond belief you need to have a discussion with the parents to make sure they understand you are sure you're completely comfortable with this most recent turn of events.

I like Suz's direct but friendly example of what to say to the mom and dad, below!

I also really, really hope the tags are still on this dress because it needs to go back.

It's interesting to me here that you don't mention the girl's parents at all in this scenario. For all you know they have zero idea that their daughter bought this dress for your daughter, and they may be livid about it when they do find out. Or they may blithely say, "How nice!" and not care. But you don't know either way and it's odd to me that you never once mention approaching the parents. That would be my first instinct. Yes, they take the girls to expensive meals and on vacation (was the vacation comment something that has actually happened, or just an example of potential expenditure on your daughter?). But that does not make this dress right.

I would tell your daughter kindly that though it was very generous of Sally to give her the dress on the spur of the moment, that's exactly what it was -- the spur of the moment. And the dress has to go back. "I know that Sally seems to have a lot of money to spend, and she has paid for many other things for you. But this is different, and I hope you can see and understand that. We had a budget for your dress, and while what she did was nice, it was both beyond your budget and not appropriate because it's such a large amount and we have no idea if her parents were even aware she was spending that money." When daughter says "But this will hurt Sally's feelings," you have to counter with, "I understand that you don't want to hurt her, but this is a case of thinking before you buy, and she did not do that. She got carried away, in a nice way, but it's not appropriate to go so far beyond your budget. I have to let her parents know that the dress needs to go back. Sally is a good friend and a real, good friend understands and will not hold it against you."

Then contact the parents, and you return the dress to their house during the day ASAP. I would not necessarily have your daughter hand it to Sally; I would give it directly to the parents (or better yet, return it directly to the store yourself IF the store will credit their card without having to have the card in hand). Let them know that you really do understand it was meant kindly and generously but your daughter had a budget and had money with her that day, and can't accept such a large gift. If they are big spenders, they may never "get" what you're meaning but you do need to model some restraint for your girl.

Please do NOT forbid your daughter from seeing her friend. That is simply not right -- the other girl is not doing anything wrong other than demonstrating a bad lack of money sense and lack of impulse control that are both more on her parents than on her. But I'd start to ensure the following:

Your daughter is too busy for any shopping with this girl. No more mall trips. I wouldn't say so out loud; I would be sure they did other things that are more creative than going to a mall frequently. I would also ensure--subtly--that your daughter is building some other friendships through activities, interests, etc. Do not ever say "Join club X to make some friends." That turns teens off. Just make it about her interests. But do not cut Sally off (more on that, below).

Your daughter and this girl could do some volunteering together. I would avoid the type of volunteering that is entirely about collecting goods (items for homeless shelter, canned goods drive, etc) because I wonder if the girl would figure, "I can just go buy those needed things and donate them myself." Instead suggest that they actually donate their time and effort working somewhere--helping serve meals, helping clean up a park, helping at a "beautify the school day." Don't say out loud, "Do this so you and Sally can learn how the other half lives" or whatever; that will turn them both off and make you the enemy. Doesn't their high school require service hours? Ours does, and in your situation I would say, "You know, you need X more service hours this quarter and there's a clean up the park day. Why don't you invite Sally to do it with you and afterward I will drive you both to get coffee, MY treat?"

Make sure your family is taking Sally to restaurants at times. Not fancy. Go places you would go anyway, on your budget, your lifestye. If Sally complains, your daughter is going to pick up eventually that Sally is looking down at her. If you've taught your kid to be comfortable with who she is, she will not appreciate that. If Sally is cool with it, you will know she's fine, and the friendship will seem more two-way than it now does.

Your husband has never been a teenage girl with money in her pocket. He seems to assume that one girl buying another an expensive dress instantly means they're dating (and I have to assume that he has an issue with that). Girls straight and gay love to buy gifts for other GIRLS. The issue here is the fact Sally pays and pays for everything, not whether either or both girls are gay. Geez. He needs to know that if he forbids Sally from being your child's friend, Sally will become "forbidden fruit" and your daughter will just like her more and will feel she must defend her misunderstood friend who is being kept from her. He will make Sally even more interesting if he tells your daughter never to see her again. And I have to repeat -- Sally's done nothing wrong other than lack any realistic idea about money. That does have to be fixed by returning the dress and ramping the outings back to ones more appropriate and less expensive. But if Sally's a good friend (or girlfriend) to your daughter aside from the money issue, there's no need to ax the friendship.

Your husband is overreacting completely if he wants them not to go anywhere at all ever again. I don't know where that's coming from. Whether they are dating or not, you can't do that.

On the plus side, your daughter has not be pocketing the money you gave her for things - she's giving it back to you. You know they go out shopping every week and you keep handing over money for that - so you've been telling your daughter, essentially, that all that spending is okay. So, while you say that you and your husband try to teach her the value of money, you still allow the behavior. The other girl isn't undermining you because she has no idea that this bothers you. And why would she? You continue to allow the behavior.

So, first off, it would help if you knew where the friend's money is coming from. Does she have an unlimited allowance from her parents? Do they give her a credit card to buy her own dress and she just put your daughter's dress on that card (perhaps in addition to her own) and the parents have no idea about any of this? And I do hate to suggest this, but are you positive that the dress was paid for and not shoplifted by either your daughter or the friend? It sounds like they are both pretty addicted to the lavish lifestyle (what was your daughter thinking by trying on a $300 dress anyway???) but sometimes teens do stuff that's just stupid to see if they can get away with it.

So - you sit down with your daughter and you talk about values. You're going to have to say you and your husband were wrong to allow this for so long. You have to talk about buying a friendship, or about staying in a friendship for the money/gifts. Would you have allowed these gifts from a teenage boy? If not, why the double standard?

Then you take the dress back - you don't send your daughter back with it, you accompany her and you get the money yourself. Then you call the girl's parents and have a discussion with them. You say you don't know if they are aware of this purchase, but the spending has gotten out of hand over the past few months. You say you don't feel your daughter needs a $300 dress for an honors banquet anyway, but certainly not one that a friend has bought for her. You thank them for their many offers and you say you are happy the girls are friends, but tell them your daughter cannot accept gifts at this level. The girls needs to find activities they can do that they can all afford.

I don't know if the past history of your daughter being on the receiving end of bullying and blaming has anything to do with why you and she have allowed this spending to go on, or what trouble she has gotten into with rule breaking by herself or others. But if there's any rule breaking going on in the current situation, you need to really get a jump on it.

Your daughter needs to trust and understand that true friendship isn't based on money, and it won't end because a dress was too expensive and gets returned.

I think you can also do some reciprocating here - take the money you've given your daughter and which she has returned after every shopping weekend, and buy some movie tickets/passes. They will already be paid for so your daughter should have no problem using them. Let her enjoy taking her friend out for a change. By a gift card for a restaurant so that they can get burgers afterwards. Teach your daughter about tipping (on the full value of the meal) so that the wait staff gets treated properly. They don't have to go to a place with white tablecloths all the time.

And let the kids find activities that don't cost a fortune. Can your daughter host a "pot luck" style dinner in your home with a bunch of friends, and then they all watch a movie? Maybe expanding her social circle a bit would help. It really seems like her entire life is centered around this one girl, and that's not healthy. This has nothing to do with whether they are dating or not.

I always start with our family fist, before involving the other family.

I would tell my daughter that she is to pay her own way, or if they like treating, then it has to be reciprocated now and then. Can you enforce that?

It would be good for your daughter to stand up and say "Thanks! but I've got it" when she can. Why isn't this happening? I guess that's where I would start ...

If you have the receipts, I would just return the dress and have your daughter return the money to her friend. Have her say "thanks but I can't accept this".

If you need to get involved with the parents, I like Suz's approach below. Just letting them know nicely that their generosity is causing problems for your family is all you need to do.

Good luck :)

As far as dinners, events, vacations - that's pretty normal. Especially if the other child is an only child. Generally if the other family does the inviting, they do the paying.

How wealthy is wealthy? If you're talking country club/mansion wealthy, then 300 dollars doesn't have the same value to them as it does to your family. Either way, the dress needs to be returned, but my point is that they may feel that it wasn't a lavish present. Thank them for their kindness/generosity, but explain that you feel the dress is too much. Also teach your daughter about reciprocity. It doesn't have to be equal, but treating friend to a movie/soda/cookie etc shows give and take in the thoughtfulness department. My children are growing up in a wealthy situation and it is VERY hard to teach them the value of a dollar. It is also very difficult to teach them about luck/privilege when that is all they are exposed to. If you daughter's family isn't even trying to teach that, then she probably has very little understanding of the value of money and didn't mean to "buy friendship" or provide over the top gifts.

As to the dating: if that's all your husband is going on, I'd say it's not likely. Girls are closer than guys and that tends to be more common place. As an adult whose best friend is not nearly as well off, I frequently pay for drinks, meals, trips, etc. I sometimes go a little above and beyond with the birthday gifts. It's because I want to do these things and I want to do them with her, but I don't want my friendship to be a financial hardship.

ETA: I also really like Hey IT's Me and B's answers.

I would talk to the parents. I don't know if I would make her return the dress. Tell your husband just because the other girl bought your daughters dress doesn't mean they are dating. Money may not mean much to her since she has it and she probably will buy herself and dress for $300 or more. Good luck!!!

When I was 13, I had a friend that had a lot of money. Her mom would give us $40 for fries at the local dinner. Fries cost $1.25. They were so out of touch with the actual expense of things. It may be this way with your daughters friend. My friend always had hundreds of dollars. The rest of us a few.

With that said, a dress? Um no. Have her return it.

Have you asked your daughter if they are dating? It may just be a friend being over the top generous.