Here's some background: For the past several years, my child has wanted to include a particular Sunday school friend (I will call him Sam) on the guest list for his birthday party. The two boys don't play together often outside Sunday school, but we know Sam's family casually. We have always been invited to Sam's birthday parties and we have always RSVPed promptly and attended.
However, Sam has never made it to one of my son's parties, for various reasons. The first time, his mom emailed me afterward to say that she had gotten the party day and time wrong and thought it was the following weekend (she hadn't RSVPed in the first place, so I wasn't even expecting them). Fine, it happens. The second time, she emailed me an hour after the party had started to tell me that Sam had the flu and would not be coming - though I noticed the next day that she posted a picture of him enjoying a sports event. Hmmm. Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
For this year's party, which was a week ago, his mom called to RSVP and took pains to let us know how excited they were to join us. They never showed up. Thinking maybe something had happened, I emailed her the next day to check, and got a breezy reply saying that they had had a change in plans and had just forgotten to tell me. No phone call, no apology, nothing.
To say that I was not happy is an understatement - not only because of her rudeness, but because my son was so disappointed yet again not to have Sam there. The mom called and asked about a good time to meet so that Sam could give my son a present, and I have not yet called her back because I don't know what to say. I am so annoyed that I feel I might have a hard time being polite in person. Do I tell her not to worry about the gift? Do I just not return the message?
I feel bad for Sam, because he is not to blame for his mother's lack of manners, but I don't know if I should encourage my son to invite him to future events. What would you do?
Thanks for all the advice. Dawn, I think your analysis is pretty much on the mark, and I don't think I'll invite this child to future events. I do understand that some people are just flaky about these things and others have problems going on behind the scenes, but the sum of the parts seems to imply that our family is simply not a priority for hers.
As for what happened - I ended up emailing, not calling, her back. I mentioned how disappointed my son was not to have had Sam at his party and suggested that she let me know a convenient time to meet us with the gift, so the ball is in her court. If she responds, I'll take your advice not to tell my son and let it be a surprise if and when she shows up. Incidentally, the last time this happened, she also delivered a gift - six months after the party.
We have a friend like that too. I was friends with the Mom, so that helped a bit but it could be difficult. I learned not to tell my daughter if I thought they were coming, or to warn her that they might not show up if she knew something. If the kids enjoy playing together then I'd just keep it up. Invite them and don't expect much (unless it is an event where you have to pay for them up front). I wouldn't go out of my way though.
If you really feel that you can't be nice to her, don't call her back. The worst thing you could do is bawl her out while she's giving you a gift.
I wonder if Sam is awful at parties. Perhaps he gets so excited that he ends up being a bull in a china shop. Perhaps he has some anxiety issues and can't deal with parties. Perhaps she just won't tell anyone that he doesn't handle these things well, and instead of sending regrets with no explanation, uses excuses.
Given separately, two of the excuses are "acceptable". The one where they changed their plans and didn't call is NOT. But put together, all the excuses seem to me to be that your son likes Sam a whole lot more than Sam likes him. Could it be that they are social butterflies and Sam has plenty of friends? Could it be that the mom doesn't consider your family to be important to them? I am wondering if she is conceited and considers your family to be unimportant in the grand scheme of her life.
I do know that sometimes there are circumstances that we just don't understand. You could give her the benefit of the doubt. Or you could just cut her loose. At the very least, if you DO decide to let her give a gift (if she even really has one!), don't tell your son. Email her that you will be home on a certain day at a certain time. Then wait. If she shows, she shows. If she doesn't, she doesn't. Let it be a surprise to your son.
And do your son and yourself a kindness, Bamamama. Don't invite this child to anything else. It just demoralizes you AND your son. The possibility that Sam might "grace" you with his presence just isn't worth it.
Dawn
Look at it this way.... You know he isn't coming to your son's parties. So don't plan on it. But invite him anyway, because that's the polite thing to do, especially if they invite your son.
If they do eventually show up to a party, you will think it is a pleasant surprise, since you won't be expecting it anymore.
Call her up and have her pick a time to get together. Just be polite and gracious, especially if she has a gift. In the scheme of things, this isn't something to get all riled up about. The mom sounds like a scatterbrain. You don't know if it's that or if she has issues in her life she isn't talking about. Either way, don't sweat it.
This would bother me, too, but I have learned that not everybody has the same rules for attendance. It was truly a shock to me to learn that people have no respect for the RSVP. It's not personal at all...just how they treat invitations. Once I called during an event (for which I had RSVPed YES) to say that something had come up and I wouldn't make it, and the host talked to me like I was being silly to call. Sam's mother is probably someone who just throws everything to the wall and flies with whatever sticks for the moment. Nothing is so important that it gets special treatment...just go with whatever feels right at the time. A lot of people are this way.
I think that you should tell her kinda casually that your son is disappointed when he doesn't see Sam and ask if you can schedule some time for them to hang out for a bit. She probably doesn't see her son's presence as anything important and thinks of it all as "no big deal".
Take your time about responding, but not too long. Do whatever you need to do to not feel angry in her presence, and then respond. Maybe when you get the boys together, you can tell her then. "Hey, Sheila, I don't think that you guys have ever been able to make Sebastian's birthday party, and, I'll tell ya, Sebastian certainly does feel the absence. Do you guys have an annual event that falls on that date? If so, maybe I can shuffle his party date a little so there's no conflict."
Sometimes people just don't realize that it means that much to you.
let him bring the gift...you shouldnt let sam's mom affect the boys relationship and your son is too little to realize its not sams fault so let him bring the gift so the boys are ok
I'm with Bobbi, you dont know what is going on in this woman's life. There could be terrible stresses that make her so forgetful.
Uggg, I am the same way. When I am upset I am not one of those people who can hide their emotions. I say suck it up as best as possible becasue it means a lot to your son. I am friends with people I most likely would not find much in common with (to put is nicely in some cases) but my kids identify with or connect so in efforts for them to have the most happiness I do my best to smile and be polite in those situations. In the future I say keep inviting them & keep reaching out and if she RSVP's again I would not build it up too much with your kids because she sounds flighty. I agree it is rude and it breaks my heart to see any kid disappointed. This woman sounds more flighty than outright mean or intentional rude but thoughtless nevertheless.
These things get under my skin, too! I would accept the gift for the benefit of your son as well as Sam. Seems like good odds that she won't show up to meet somewhere, so I would shoot for someplace you'll already be. Either discreetly accept it at Sunday school, if she lives close ask if she can drop it by, or you get it from her house. I wouldn't go out of my way to get it, I really would worry she won't show.
Going forward, if you invite other kids from Sunday school, I would continue to invite Sam, but assume he isn't coming. If you don't invite other kids from Sunday school, no big deal to not invite.
And I think there's nothing wrong with saying "my son was so upset that Sam didn't show up, I felt bad for him". No need to be awful, but if no one ever calls out the effects of her behavior, she'll never know. But people like this really don't have a clue, so don't waste time on her.
There are people like this in the world who are "social climbers". If they have something more important, more fun, or a better option, they back out with no apologies. Anything for them to "get ahead" or have a better time. They don't care about whose feelings they may hurt or how rude they are because they are too self absorbed. Sorry, that's my take, because it's happened to me and friends of mine with their kids and birthday parties. I think in your case it's just best to remain civil while at church, but no more future invites for parties or playdates. It's obvious you and your son are not on their "A" list. Move on and find friends for him that truly care about him and are polite!
