RSVP Etiquette

So did you actually receive an invitation? Technically yes you should send a gift if you aren't going to the wedding and you would be a wonderful person for doing so.

However, she is an acquiantance never gave you a gift and hasn't made the time to keep in touch. Sounds to me like $20 and a card would suffice, which is more than what she gave you.

It sounds like also that you two no longer have anything in common. So really I wouldn't feel too obligated.

As far as I know, a save-the-date card isn't an invitation. You can wait for the actual invitation and then respond and say if you are going or not. I'd never pay to have my hair and nails done for a wedding unless I was in it. I wouldn't feel obligated to go. You will need to send a gift once you get the invitation. If you're invited to a shower, you can go or not go but I'd do a gift either way - not feeling any obligation to do anything expensive. maybe for the shower, you can go in with a couple of other friends. I think this wedding thing has gotten way out of hand. No one should feel they have to do what they can't afford, but you have to give something.

Lisa,
This makes me recall a few special events with me and someone I thought was my close friend that ended up betraying me after I mentioned I didn't have as much energy to be on the phone for an hour or longer after my son was born - what was worse: she turned others in our circle of friends against me and then tried to get them to believe I did some 'stalker-type' thing to her, when I was laid up in my home after a surgery and a new baby (My husband was livid and actually took - and emailed - photos of my brakes to show the car wasn't moved in weeks as they were rusty.). She never cleared the air, even after we tried to reconcile... needless to say, I never trusted her or was truly comfortable around her again.

I also regretted sharing my special moments with her as they felt somewhat 'tainted' in a way. I went to her wedding before all of this, and she came in for the first ultrasound with my hubby for my son. She threw the shower (after much drama and stress between us over it and other things) and I still can't really look at those pictures. :(

I would say that if you are not close - then do not go. If it were me in your situation, I would send a decline. I feel in many cases, weddings especially, many want a huge turnout and yes, gifts are a great bonus as the couple will not have to purchase something they want to have.
If one does not go to a wedding, I really do not think you are obligated to purchase a gift. We don't. The way the economy it right now, I think a person cannot expect something from someone if they do not go - nor if they are that close. (Just my thoughts.)

Of course you don't have to go. You're right you need to send a gift (card/$, etc.), but if you can recall your own wedding....weren't you relieved when the people you felt 'obligated' to invite couldn't make it? That meant less $ per head, and for me it meant fitting into our maximum headcount for the place where we had our reception. You are one in [most likely] hundreds of invitations.

And the beauty of the actual wedding invitation is that it requires no explanantion. You just fill in whether you can make it/with # persons attending...or that you will not be attending. You can just leave the csrd blank (instead of writing a little note like you may want to do with close friends). If she ever 'speaks' to you about it, just be honest and say you couldn't make it. If she is pushy and presses on as to why, just say that you couldn't afford it (even if it is more of that you "didn't want to spend the money", saying you couldn't afford it is halfway true and will end the converstion politely). Most likely, you will not have to ever talk about it.

Hi!
This is a no-brainer....YOU REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GO!!!...so don't feel obligated!! I have gone through many experiences with so called friends, and people that have walked in and out of my life. My advice is to go with your gut feelings and do what in your heart makes you happy! Life is too short to always please everyone at the expensive of your feelings and pocketbook! (PS) This advice comes from a very happy and loving 60 year old gal with many wonderful friends!

Get a gift card for Things Remembered, at the mall.

Why do you feel you have to get a gift, even if you don't go? If you don't go, don't go. Gifts are optional in any case.

I really dislike these 'Save the Date' things. I understand the reasoning, but it does put people in an obligatory state, like yourself. My son and his now wife sent them out. Thought it was the stupidest thing I'd encountered. Worse yet was the photographer suggesting requests for a shower gift to offset the photography. Cheap. Absolutely cheap. I never attended either. Long story.

You are not obligated. What if three weeks ago you scheduled a getaway for that very weekend?

Option to RSVP the wedding invitation and still not go. Then you can send an inexpensive card with or without a gift card inside.

Saving the date card does not obligate you to go. Giving a gift and not going is up to you. You do not have too.

I would say the same thing as the others, you don't have to go. I think some people send save the dates when they have a lot of out of town guests that need to look into airfare and hotels, so it is really not something the should make you feel obligated to go. I would probably send a small gift, remember how much she probably spent on a dress, shoes, hair, and possible shower gift if she stood up in your wedding.

Hi Lisa - I think that when you get the real invitation it's fine to RSVP that you can't come. It sounds as if you really don't feel close to this woman at all or her family, so I would just give a nice gift and make up some family obligation. - Alison

I don't think you have to go or send a present. She may just be inviting you because she feels obliged after being in your wedding. If you really don't talk to her anymore just wait for the invitation and then reply no from that. You don't owe her an explanation.

No, you don't have to go. But instead of saying we don't really feel like going, give her an excuse...make something up that she can't find out is a white lie.

Also, in terms of a gift...go to a discount home store ie: Home Goods, TJ Maxx and get a set of towels or sheets and have their monogram put on them (for sheets, just monogram the pillow cases). Looks like you spent a bunch, but didn't. Plus you never know if this person might come back into your life more permanently so you hate to burn bridges.

Lisa -

Based on what you have described, I would politely reply as "no" for the wedding. Why go if you feel it's going to be such a burden on you?

Additionally, why do you feel like you HAVE to get a gift? Times are tough out there, people are struggling day to day. Sure it's wonderful that she's throwing a traditional wedding, and even better that she's invited you, but really, you have no obligation to attend or to send a gift. You said it yourself, you aren't really that close.

I think some people just invite people just to get a gift. If you don't get her a gift, she can't blame you since she didn't get one for you. If you feel the need, send her a check for $20, but don't go!

If it were me, I probably wouldn't go, but I would send a modest gift since simply because she stood up at your wedding. I think that is an honorable thing to do. You're right, it costs alot of money to go to weddings. By getting her a modest gift, it makes up for you having to spend more cash on getting dolled up to go to this wedding. My thought is this: do you plan on ever being close friends with her again? If not, then why go to the wedding?

Just my 2 cents,

M.

I would go. One she let you know in advance and two she went out for you and spent money to stand up in your wedding. She's not asking you to stand up she is asking you to show up and help her celebrate along with have a nice night out with your husband. Just cuz she hasn't been involved with you or anything in all these years doesn't mean anything. maybe she was young back than and did alot of growing and wants you in her life she chats with you on facebook. I would look at it as time for you and your husband to have fun together and a nice night out with out the little one. I would definatly go and have fun. How often do you get to go ut and have fun with the hubbie all decked out and feeling sexy?

Hi,
You said she was a "Flake" and if its like any of the flakes I know she might have figured since she stood up with you that the cost she paid to do so was a present, I know you girls are not cheap and what a day to shine.
I think since you know shes a flake you should do the right thing and go and be the better not so flaky person. I am sure you'll have friends there and it being her day she'll be so busy you wont have to spend the whole day with her.
But what do I know I am a man

I do not mean to be rude, but I think you are awfully selfish to not attend her wedding as a guest when she waa a bridesmaid in your wedding. Being a bridesmaid is far more expensive than buying a $50 gift and wearing a dress you already have. Not to mention, she was obviously single at the time she was in your wedding. You have the support of your husband and are complaining about getting her a gift. BTW, the gift to you was being in your wedding, she should not have had to "buy" you a wedding gift. Bridemaids usually throw the bridal shower and if this was the case, that's more money that she spent on you!
After you got married, I'm sure things changed between the two of you, it often does when our lives change. We have less time to spend with our friends and most of our time is spent with our family and doing laundry:) You should not use this as an excuse not to go to the wedding. Afterall, she's not asking you to buy a dress for $150 that you'll never wear again. Wear something in your closet and polish your nails yourself, but go to the wedding.