Respect - Deerfield,IL

My six year old was acting the same way. I finally had to find a time to sit down and do a face to face - alone with no distractions, etc.
He wasn't in trouble, I just wanted to listen to him. I told him that I understood that he doesn't like it when I raise my voice and so I told him why I do that. (not listeining, used nice voice first but he didn't respond - the whole list)
Together we mapped out a process of how we can better listen to one another and show mutual respect. I also let him choose his punishment if he didn't listen/show respect, follow instructions and we came up with some rewards.
It was a good one, he lost key toys and could only earn them back if he showed listening skills for a whole week after (all on his own he came up with this, I swear!)
Things have been much smoother since the talk. When things start to heat up, I remind him of what we spoke about and that it takes both of us cooperating to make it work. I have only had to take the toys away a few times.
Maybe a heart-to-heart with son could be beneficial for you all, too.
Best of luck!

Take the door off of the hinges.

Then sit down and have a family conversation about what options are available to him when he becomes frustrated and angry.

Explain that EVERYBODY gets frustrated. No one likes to be told what to do, we do not like being corrected but we have all learned to suck it up and follow the directions.

Have HIM make a list of better ways to handle his frustrations.. Example. He will go to his room and calm himself down.

Explain that his brother deserves to be left alone. Just like he deserves to be left alone by his brother. Why does he think picking on someone is ok? In school it is called bullying and guess what? at home it is too.

When he is asked to do something, remind him that if he just will stop and do it, it will go faster than making some big deal out of it. Also explain that IF he will consistently do asked asked, he will be showing maturity and will be treated as such.

Then the most important part is to remind him that you and the sitter are insulted at the way he treats the two of you. His lack of respect will have a consequence. The consequence will be lack of privileges. Remind him of his "good life and privileges".

The door to the bedroom you allow him to live in, is now gone until he can show consistent respect to everybody in the home.
TV, Computer (except for homework), Video games, play dates, parties.

Then do it. You have to act and show you are in charge. My mom is tiny and let me tell you, no one messes with mama. She was a wonderful and fun person when you behaved, but if you spoke back to her, ignored her.. man she was on you like glue reminding you that you had better do as she said, or you were going to be very lonely in your empty boring room.

The way she could put us in a puddle was to say," I am so disappointed in your behavior. I have always told people about what a helpful, bright and well behaved child you were. Sniff, sniff.." Yes, she was and still is a great actress..

I am sending you strength. Right now you and the sitter just need to reestablish your seniority and get him to realize his tantrums have no affect on you, but they will have an effect on him.

When ever my son who is 10 1/2 talks back to me, I immediately call him on it. I try very hard not to raise my voice- remember, if the kid makes you lose your cool, you've lost the battle already, IMO!

But I will give him THE LOOK and say calmly and firmly,
" What did you just say to me? Repeat it back to me, just the way you said it." Usually I get some eye-rolling, but I say
" We are not moving from this spot until you repeat what you just said." (mumbled response, repeating)\
" All right, what makes you think it is ok to talk to me like that? It is NOT ok. I don't know if you meant to be funny, but it is disrespectful and not funny. If you don't like what I said you have to do/where we are going/ etc. you can tell me. But you can do it politely. "

Age 8 was actually when we went through a LOT of this, and I am told it is very common- testing limits, trying out being a 'big kid' etc. But I have emphasized over and over in our home that we ALL treat each other with respect, even when we disagree about something and we do not talk in a voice that makes the other person feel bad or is rude to them.

Attitude is everything in my house- my son only gets an allowance for chores and homework if he does them with a POSITIVE ATTITUDE and shows willing. Any foot dragging, mumbling, stomping, etc. means no $$ for his work. When he does get paid, it happens on payday when we get paid and we go over the events of the past 2 weeks and if anything rude came up, we deduct money for it.

We also talk a lot about how even if we disagree about something or are angry or are really frustrated that we are a family and we LOVE each other and we always make it up!! I stress this over and over, and it really seems to have sunk in!

I always tell him to imagine every word that comes out of his mouth hanging there in front of him, for everyone to see over and over and to really try and THINK before he just lets them out- does he REALLY mean that? What is he hoping to accomplish by saying it? Does he really think that saying something snotty is going to get me to do what he want? Think before you speak is our rule!

I am not saying I have a perfect kid, lol, but he really is very polite and I am always getting compliments from other adults on his behavior and good cheerful attitude- you just have to keep reinforcing the GOOD behavior and when something negative happens, take him aside and point it out to him right away- if it is really a serious attitude issue, take away a privilege or something like that. Don't be afraid to- and I agree, take the locks off the doors, etc.

It sounds like he is pulling your strings. Don't you remember those teachers at school that were tiny little things, but you knew not to mess with them? They commanded the respect. As I remember it, for the most part kids were treated the same and those who were a bit more sensitive learned to stay out of trouble and watch the other kids. There is a 7" difference between my husband and I, but he still must respect me, BTW he can act like he is 8 years old too.

I suggest you work right around that little attitude and let him know when he respects you, you can do what ever fun thing you have planned for the day. If he throws a fit, it will cost him an event. You don't have to go full blown militant, but a couple of times missing out on something that was important to him, he will start understanding. You must be consistent. I suggest you explain the rules to him and give him 5 - 6 minutes to himself if he is angry (we all need that) and then he must pull it together or else...no party, no movie, no toy of the week, etc.

You may also discuss the progress as a family when things are calm. Don't forget, we all like a bit of praise, but we must deserve it.

At the same time keep in mind, everyone needs the opportunity to express their feelings, so he should still have the opportunity to say you upset me because...

Best of luck.

By best friend in high school had a Mom who was 4'8" and she managed 7 kids (all taller than her). When she got mad, she spoke very quietly and woe to he/she who would not listen to her! He needs to listen to you (and the baby sitter). Whether he likes it or not is irrelevant. Take the door off his room and he's going to have to earn it back by good behavior. And when it goes back make sure there's no lock on it. His room is for sleeping - nothing else, so make sure there's no TV, computer, games, toys, etc (a few books might be ok) in his room that he might enjoy while he's having a sulk fest. If you nip this in the bud now, the teenage years will be much easier.

there is a whole spectrum of useful responses between 'talking nicely' and yelling. the reason that children don't listen is that they've learned that they don't have to. you must have been teaching him for the last 8 years that you don't mean what you say. i suggest you start re-teaching both of you. today. he doesn't see you as an authority figure because you're not one. don't sweet talk him and don't yell, talk to him like the human being he is. tell him what you expect, what the consequences will be if he doesn't comply, and follow through. period. when things are calm and you are communicating well you can get into whys and bigger picture and broader ideals, but when you have a behavior situation, keep it short and sweet. and deliver.
khairete
S.

Well...not to state the obvious here, but how quick can you get that lock off that door...better yet, how quick can you get the door off the hinges?

Since when does an 8 yr old who doesn't pay bills get to have a lock on his bedroom door??

I get sensitive, I have one of those too and yelling doesn't do anything but make him feel aweful, but I will get his attention with removing him from the situation, getting at his level and actually looking in his eyes to tell him what the issue is.

Also, explaining what your job is as a parent sounds like the peanuts teacher and they don't hear it...simply DO what you need to do consistantly and they get the idea.

If all else fails, there's counseling...for your son AND for you...so that maybe you can get to the bottom of the disrespect.

I am also BIG on positive reinforcement...you do good and you get a reward kinda thing...so might try that for a while too...but I'd remove that convenient lock on his door first...so that there is no place to run...

Sending good thoughts your way...

Dont worry so much about his sensitivity. You need to nip this now before he gets any older. Make yourself a figure of authority. Time to get tough!
If he wants to lock himself in his room every time he does something wrong, make sure theres nothing in there that he can get hurt with and also nothing in there for him to have fun with.No games, toys nothing.He has to come out to eat, if hes not respectful, he leaves the table. If he behaves, he joins in family time, games t.v. etc. We call this baby boot camp.Loving but strong dicipline. Sounds like he needs it as much as you do. Good luck, be strong, parenting is not for sissys!

i agree with sandy 100% however, as far as him running to his room and locking the door, take the door off the hinges and get him a different door with no lock (i don't belived any kid should have locks on the doors for that reason). start punishing him hard mom, it'll only get worse until you enforce your authority. i'm helping a friend with her 8 year old son who does about the same, i've told her my suggestions, and so far they are working, if you want send me an e-mail and i'll give you my suggestions, they are hard and he'll throw a fit at first in rebellion, but they work.

I am amazed at some of these answers!! Take the door off? Take the locks off? WHAT!!! This is YOUR home! You don't reconstruct your home for an 8 year old!!!!!! YOU are the parent. He is in YOUR house. He is to obey you period and you don't have to do construction on your house to get respect. Some will not like this answer. Let me say first that I am not a violent or stressed out mom. I am a single mom of 2. 1is 12 and the other is 5. As a single mom, I obviously have to do double the work and sometimes double the discipline. To answer your question, first of all, why is he comfortable enough to storm into his room and lock the door? That is not his door, it's yours! He should know that. He doesn't have the right to lock any of your locks on YOUR doors in YOUR house! He has lost the respect for you.

No offense, please, but I have to say that in my observation, different cultures discipline in different ways. As an black woman raised in a two parent home, I was not allowed to storm off. I couldn't even dream of throwing a fit. I would have feared for my life!!! I never got many spankings as a kid, but the fear of what MAY happen kept me in line. I never pushed the buttons because it was always the "what if I did" that kept me respectful. Worked like a charm. Now, to put it in perspective, I don't think that as parents we should have our kids scared of us. However, you have to change your tone when you speak to him. Don't get loud, but change the tone. He needs a little shock value. Make him see a part of you that he hasn't before. So what if he thinks you're crazy. Good. Then he will think twice about it the next time.

I find that some parents ask for their children to respect them instead of demanding it. I see women begging their children in the grocery store to please behave. What!!? You are the parent! He doesn't own anything in that house! Put your foot down and demand the respect or you will find yourself in a horrible situation when he's 6'2.

Thank you!!! I am having this exact issue with my 7-year old son. It's not like I let him get away with stuff, but everything is a battle with attitude. I try so hard not to yell back, but he pushes and pushes and pushes. On behalf of my family, thank you to all the other posters with such helpful ideas that I will certainly use in my home!

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Hi, I'm going to be gentle and keep it simple, you do your son and injustice when you allow him to selectively show respect. You (generally speaking) should never be allowed to respect one authority figure over another, it will get him into trouble in his later years, promise. Be consistent with reprimands, if you say no to games or tv for a week, don't falter. He should only go to his room when you have released him to do so and not a minute before. If he locks the door he should be swiftly and consistently reprimanded until he gets the picture. I can not use the word consistent enough. I am a single parent of 2, 27 and 18 years old, the later is my son who is 6'3" and over 200 lbs and he knows that his 5'7' 160 lbs mother won't take crab from him, he also knows that i love him. Now does he try me, yes, it is part of the "how far/much will she let me get away with" period. It is how they learn. And it doesn't stop, even at 18. Blessings.