Dear Wendy, I feel your helplessness. I, too, have gone through and still am going through hard times with my daughter. She is now 18 1/2. When she was about 15 1/2, she started pulling away from me and defying me on just about every decision. She didn't think my rules mattered one bit, even when her choices created grief and bad habits. For about two years, asking her a question was virtually impossible. I was always made to feel like I had no business whatsoever questioning her or telling her what to do. She said she didn't want me to be involved with her school activities, her friends, her dating issues, her problems, etc. But I persisted. She, too, is a wonderful person and very talented, and she has been raised in a safe and loving environment, but she just doesn't want anything to do with me, unless it meets her agenda. The pain has been, at times, unbearable. I never, ever, would have thought that I'd cry myself to sleep as often as I have, over my daughter. I work part time and have spent quite a sum of money on her during her teenage years. What makes it really difficult for me to grasp, is that I was one of 9 children, and we didn't ask for very much. We also had strict rules and our share of responsibility. I knew I was going to do things different than my parents, but I didn't expect my "better" parenting to backfire on me! Of course, she doesn't consider herself "spoiled," but she has been. Children today want so much more than we did at their age, and they want it handed to them, no strings attached. They can't wait for it, and it doesn't need to be earned. We parents, especially mothers, are "expected" to provide their every desire, somehow we are inadequate moms if we don't or can't. The dicotomy is, that while they want a loving, caring, safe, and nurturing home, with meals, cell phones, televisions and rooms of their own, they don't know they really do "have it all." The emptiness or "void" within them, is our fault. They can't see what they have because they never have enough. This dominates any reasoning or rationale. If we aren't capable of running circles around them (because "we chose to have them") and we aren't capable of making non-stop donations, well, then, we couldn't possibly be capable of understanding them or helping them in any other way. It truly is a mother's heartbreak. And how you have managed on your own is phenomenal.
The good news? After they graduate, reality does set in. They realize the choices are up to them, and maybe they should apply some of the things you taught them. Believe me, your words are floating somewhere in the back of her mind. I do remember though, the many times, even recently, I held my daughter in my arms, despite her crying and pulling away as if I had the plague, and reaffirming how much I love her and that "I" am not the enemy. I never "threw in the towel," either. She always knew my stand and that I would be held accountable for the job I was given to do, as she is also... and then I relish any kind word or action that she musters. They really do need to "find themselves," and while we promote responsibility, civility and productivity, we also need to promote confidence in them. They seem to be so much more insecure than we were, and that's hard to imagine. Until we have a magic wand, we just keep learning and doing all we can to get through, and hopefully improve, the situation. Stay firm on your rules, despite her ignorance of them. Let her know you will always listen to what she has to say and that no one could love her more. There's something about the repetition of these words that somehow blasts through to the heart. Also, you have a toddler in the house. You don't want her to pick up on the negativity of your 15 1/2 year old. Yes, the second will gain from your current experiences, but she will be her own individual, with her own needs. Be careful not to assume a role for her. I hated that everthing I heard or read only said how much babies and young children needed their mothers,(the "early" years), when in fact, they need us just as much, if not more, during the teenage years. The fact that you feel like you're in Heaven when they are young and Hell when they are older, might be a reason the information isn't more accurate. She will let you feel awful for the things you do, JUST BECAUSE SHE CAN. Pretty soon she will be driving, and that is the scariest time of all. I held off on a license for my daughter until she was 17. My son will be the same. This made a big difference in her responsibility. Of course, she doesn't always act on my words of wisdom, at least, not for me to see. But I know, my daughter is coming around, despite my input and admonishons. I look forward to her respect and true love someday soon. I see glimmers of it beginning to show. Please, don't feel less of a mother because you don't see it now. You are not alone. We are in the majority. I also have seen medical research showing what happens to a teenage brain. Don't laugh, I am in the medical profession and it makes sense. It is baffling, but it makes sense. I supply my daughter with vitamin B complex for starters. Absolutely NO MEDICATION! Just good old vitamins and minerals work wonders. Knowing we can't, nor shouldn't, keep them in a glass bubble, I think I have to relinquish a bit of my burden now. Stay firm on your rules, let your daughter know that "disrespect" is not an option under your roof, and most of all, turn to God for His protection over her and His peace and guidance for you. I know He sends angels to intercede. My daughter recently experienced that very thing happening in her life, and she actually acknowledged it. They are in His hands. You'll be in my prayers, Wendy. You're not alone.