Resenting Husband for Not Wanting Another Child

I had to realize that his desire to not have anymore was just as valid as my desire to have one. And now that my kids are older and I am done with so many of the things that go along with infants and toddlers I am glad we stopped at 2.

When my husband showed no interest in another child, and actually said he'd rather get a dog...that was that. Then big old Brutus came in our life, a black lab, I sure loved him, hence...started my love for animals. Alot easier to care for. I had 2 children already...not much longer after that I lost my husband in an automobile accident. I have wonderful memories of him and the children when they were young, and Brutus is long gone now too. I got my 3rd child, well kinda, I have a 9 yr old grandson now! No regrets, alot of good memories. It's quality not quanity!

Do you truly feel your family is incomplete, like someone is missing... Or do you feel the need to have another baby because your self-identity is defined by being 'mommy' and having another baby would perpetuate and validate how you see yourself...? Eventually, we mothers all have to watch our children grow up and not need us as much--we can't keep having a baby to fulfill our motherhood identity.

So, I guess you just need to ask yourself what your desire for another baby is based on. Would you feel as fulfilled if your self-identity expanded through other interests, hobbies or volunteer work? Would you feel fulfilled being a foster parent? And also ask yourself if you would feel resentful towards your spouse if you were in your husband's shoes and were pressured into another baby.

Why do you want a 3rd?
Is it the number of children, or the forlorn feelings of your current children growing up and your missing them being babies and being pregnant?

I went through it for years. In fact, I dare say we wouldn't have any of our 4 daughters if I waited for my husband to be totally on board. He was always reluctant. But the last 2 children in particular had to be prayed into this world. I prayed daily and often and wrote out a lot of my prayers. I didn't say too much to him. I just kept it between myself and the Lord. Both times he let his guard down and agreed to try and we got pregnant on the first time both times.

Fast forward.. A couple years ago I was heavy into baby lust, 3 of our children were out of the house, and he still is against it...too old, done the teen thing and then I decided to start praying again. Well God has a sense of humor. One of my daughters got pregnant, moved home and now I'm happily helping to raise my 18 month old grandson.

Just pray hon. If God wants it to happen, let him work on your husbands heart. It's kind of hard to make a baby when the marriage is full of hard feelings :)

This is an important question: What constitutes "enough?" Since another child will have a significant impact on all family members, does considering that choice in light of what's best for your whole family, including the needs your husband has expressed, make the picture look any different to you?

And pregnancy and childbirth are not without risk, especially as women age. What if another baby took an unexpected toll on your health, or even took your life? What if the baby had Down Syndrome or some serious and expensive health problem? What if another baby turned out to be twins at this stage of your lives? I imagine your husband would probably resent the extra burdens that would impose on him, especially if he only grudgingly agreed to another child.

It's SO normal to feel that twinge of longing. Nature, and culture, and our individual histories, conspire to make us willing to endure pregnancy, childbirth, the demands of babies, lack of sleep, etc. So, if that urge wasn't strong in us, the human race would probably have died out long ago. Many, many women, probably most of us, stop having babies while still longing for more. Among all my lifelong acquaintances, there are far more women who would gladly HAVE more children, but realize their families and/or circumstances can't reasonably accommodate them. (Nor can the world sustain the rising human population for much longer – many scientists and social scientists worry that we've already reached a tipping point.)

Longing will probably always be there to some degree, rising and falling with your hormones and social pressures. It can become a huge part of our self-identities, especially as many mothers lose "themselves" to the needs and demands of their families.

But you CAN shift your attention. There are many, many blessings of a smaller family. You CAN decide not to dwell on what you don't have. This is the "secret" to contentment of all the women I know who would gladly be pregnant again, and again, and again…, and yet are content and joyful with what they do have. Contentment is a state of mind, and to a very large degree, it can be chosen.

And our minds can override just about anything our bodies tell us. Or else people wouldn't be able to to diet, to run marathons, to overcome crippling accidents, to quit addictive habits. Choosing to override your longing for another baby is one of the things your mind can do, if you decide to. It's a choice.

One final observation: There is that longing and regret many women feel for not having one, or two, or three more children. And, contrary to the "common wisdom," I have also known quite a few moms (and dads) in my several decades of life who ended up regretting having more children. Health problems in parent or child, a change of circumstance, loss of job or home, even a behaviorally challenged child have been contributing factors. These moms and dads loved all their children, of course, but nevertheless, in quiet, honest moments, wished that one of those children had never been born – a terrible emotional burden for the parents, and sometimes for the child, as well.

I wish you peace, Lillian. I hope you find a way to accommodate the choices open to you, and be happy.

I would like to have had more kids, but I am very lucky for the two I have. A hysterectomy took my choices away when my son was 15 months old. I did feel despair, mainly because outside of adoption, my ability to have another child was gone completely. My kids are 10 years apart and I was hoping I could be on a roll, but it wasn't meant to be. I just got busy really appreciating my children. I also had great fun taking care of other people's little kids. Now my son is 15 and I'm getting my first grand baby next month.
I can't wait!
Your feelings are valid, but I don't know that you should resent your husband. He does have a say.
I think it's pretty normal when you have such cute little kids, especially when they are around 2, to get those baby pangs because we love our little kids so much.

I think the feelings do pass. At least they did for me.
I wish you the best.

I only wanted two children. When I only had one for 7 yrs and we would not get pregnant it was very hard. You see babies and want another. You "borrow" you brothers baby for the night and still want baby. Then it happens you get baby number 2... you are excited and overwhelmed with the changes in the family. My 8 yr old can take care of himself, now I have a baby who needs me all the time.... wow! Then without trying baby number three comes. Double wow at all the hard work. I love my children with all my heart, but it is some of the hardest workever.

My husband and wish we would have had the chilren closer in age, so that we could have more freedom now, but we wanted more children. Your hubby may just want the freedom to do things with just his wife. Don't resent him, love him. Enjoy the babies you do have, no matter what age they are. :-)

For my SIL in was reversed she didn't want more and her husband 'begged' They eventually had another one and divorced before that child was two. It was a messy divorce and of course the children are the ones who lose out. I am not in anyway suggesting that is the route you're heading, because every relationship is different and you appear to have good communication in yours (key) why don't you consider counseling to explore why you can't accept it, maybe your husband would be open to couples. Good luck.

Did you have an agreement about the number of children you'd have and now he's reneged? If so, I would definitely feel resentful. My husband and I had always talked about having three. It wasn't set in stone, but I was planning on it. After two, he said he was done. He said he never realized how much work they were and how expensive they were. When I was about to finally give up, I got pregnant with our third. It wasn't planned, but I was thrilled. After his initial unhappiness with the news, he was excited and now can't imagine life without him. I hope you can come to some peace about this matter one way or the other.

I was in the same situation a few years ago (made harder by friends who got pregnant with their #3s!)...for awhile I thought I would never, ever, get past it, and this issue would always be between my husband and I. But life moves on, my kids are older now, (8 & 7) and we are so busy with activities and school and sports that I just can't imagine how much harder it would have been (especially financially) for our family. Of course I (and eventually he) would have loved #3, but it wasn't meant to be, and I know how many other people can not even have one child, much less two (or more). I'm lucky to have the life I have, and now I have the distance and perspective to really understand that. Best of luck.

Yeah, I can totally relate. I have always wanted two and told my husband that before we were married. Unfortunately for us, we aren't able to get pregnant with out IVF. We were able to successfully conceive our son, who is now 14 months old, and I would like to try for another once he's 2.5. We have two more embryos on ice and I am continuing to pay our storage fees. I know in my heart that I was meant to be a mother of two, and I just feel this horrible void. However, I think my husband is set in stone, so I don't know what I am going to do. So yes, I can relate, and I am terribly sorry.

You can continue to share your feelings with your husband about another baby and try to understand his point of view. Marriage is about compromise and it seems that you all have great communication. So keep sharing your feelings...some things are worth fighting for. From experience, if you really want another baby that feeling just doesn't go away until you have that amazingly cute bundle of joy. Hope this helps :)

B. Thorpe
Enhancing Lives One Family at a Time!

I felt resentful on and off for many years, as my husband had "promised" that we would have one baby together and it took 13 years before she finally arrived (at age 40) after I put my foot down when I was almost 39! There was always a "reason" to wait.

You two need to talk. There is no simple solution, but you both need a chance to discuss your feelings, and to discuss practical matters, also.

I'll tell ya when I get there??
haha I have a 2 1/2 year old boy and a 7 month old lil girl. My hubby says he has only ever wanted 2..JUST 2. He seems pretty sure.
He actually said he is willing to get the snip. He doesn't want me to because of the risks for me. (kinda cute of him)

Anyway. I know I don't want another one NOW. But I keep having these feelings like I'm missing a child. So who knows. I kinda want to have one more in a few years. Guess we will see what the future holds.
I know that if our financial situation doesn't improve, I won't have anymore. But no one can predict the future.