Moms of Two and All

I sometimes felt like there was some timeline that I had to have kids by or it just wasn't going to work out for my family. Then I realized that there is no timeline and I can wait for my kids to be older and if I still want one more then my husband and I can address it later. I just go on loving the time spent with the two I have.

As someone who had to go through infertility treatment to get my twins, I can see where the longing for kids comes from, but you should be thankful for those you have and not focus on the what ifs of having more.

To answer the questions you posed:
No, I haven't really dealt with those feelings.
No, I do not have those feelings.
No, I do not regret not having one more.

We have 2. A boy and a girl. They are 3 years apart and are wonderful friends with each other. I came from a family of 3. I was the youngest.
I don't have any particularly good or bad memories from childhood related to the number of kids in our family. I was very very sick with both of my pregnancies, and although my husband would have loved to have had more kids he was content to stop after two, because it was SO very difficult for me being pregnant.

There are a lot of upsides to having 2 instead of 3. With a third, there is always the odd man out. You almost have to drive a mini-van (to fit 3 car seats), and unless you do, you cannot have one of your child's friends come home with you (when they are older and out of car seats) because you can't fit 4 in a backseat.

We can all go to the movies and each kid sits by a parent, and my husband and I get to sit together. :)

When we go to amusement parks, we can split off and have one on one time with a kid. Dad and son, Mom and daughter or vice versa. Neither parent has 2 to manage and each kid gets one on one time. We can play team sports/games 2 on 2 and no one is left out. (badminton, bocce, tennis, volleyball, whatever).

I won't try to tell you to give up or get over your desire for more kids... I have not been in your shoes so I wouldn't dream of trying to "convince" you to change. But do be aware (and it sounds like you are) that kids and the associated costs can really stress out a father. That's part of the man's psyche... to provide for his family. It doesn't sound like your husband is ready to take on that added responsibility right now. Maybe he will feel more comfortable with the idea later on. Maybe he won't. Not something we can know... is it?

I'm sorry you and he are not in the same "place" on this issue. But try not to focus too much on it or you may subconsciously create division in your marriage.

I went through a really hard time with this for a while.
They said I could never have children and was blessed with a daughter.
My heart ached for another baby, but I knew it couldn't happen. I was scheduled for a hysterectomy and found out I was pregnant. I have two kids 10 years apart. Talk about blessed! My baby pangs were really bad after my son was born, but I ended up having the hysterectomy I had put off for so many years not long after he was born. My body just couldn't go on sick like that anymore.
I did go through sadness. I admit it. I would have had a whole mess of kids if my body had cooperated, but I got two beautiful and healthy children that I honestly thought I could never have. I told myself that I should be thankful for my two miracles instead of being upset I wasn't MORE blessed.
Try not to be upset when you see people with more kids. You don't know the challenges they face or how difficult it might be financially for them. Those people may have a harder time juggling than it looks on the surface.
I wonder what life would have been like had I had more children, but the truth is, I don't know any different and I am so proud to have had the kids I have. My hysterectomy took care of any lingering decisions to make so I have accepted my fortune of two children.
My daughter is expecting her first baby so I will get my baby fix soon enough.

Hang in there and appreciate the very beautiful and happy family you have now. You are very blessed.

I don't know if you are religious... but the only advice I can offer up to you is to pray a lot about it. I have been where you are many times before. Not only about children but with other things, including changes I need and want in my husband. Most of the time it took a long time praying before I began to see changed but it was well worth the wait.

I would suggest pouring your heart out to the Lord. Even though he knows your desires already, he wants to hear them from you. Then ask that his will be done in your life be it peace be upon you in accepting only two children or be it your husband has a change of heart and you allowed to try one more time. There is nothing wrong with asking for things, just remember to allows ask for HIS will be done since he ultimately knows best.

It's SO normal to feel that twinge of longing. Nature designs that into us childbearers (so we'll be willing to endure pregnancy, childbirth, the demands of babies, lack of sleep, etc.) If that urge wasn't strong in us, the human race would probably have died out long ago. Many, many women stop having babies while still longing for more. Among all my lifelong acquaintances, there are far more women who would gladly HAVE more children, but realize their families and/or circumstances can't reasonably accommodate them. (Nor can the world sustain the rising human population for much longer – many scientists and social scientists worry that we've already reached a tipping point.)

How to cope? Can you alter your longing? Well, it will probably always be there to some degree, rising and falling with your hormones and noticing of larger families, because Nature has programmed it in. But you CAN shift your attention away from what you don't have to what you do have. Ah, the many, many blessing of a smaller family! You CAN decide to stop dwelling on what you don't have. This is the "secret" to contentment of all the women I know who would gladly be pregnant again, and again, and again…, and yet are content and joyful with what they do have. Contentment is a state of mind.

And our minds can override just about anything our bodies tell us. Or else people wouldn't be able to to diet, to run marathons, to overcome crippling accidents, to surrender needed sleep to meet the needs of a new baby, to quit addictive habits. Choosing to override your longing for another baby is one of the things your mind can do, if you decide to. It's a choice.

One final observation: contrary to the "common wisdom," I have known quite a few moms and dads in my several decades of life who ended up deeply regretting having more children. Health problems in parent or child, a change of circumstance, loss of job or home, even a "difficult" child have been contributing factors. These moms and dads "loved" all their children, of course, but nevertheless wished that one (or more) of those children had never been born – a terrible emotional burden for the parents, and sometimes for the child, as well.

I wish you peace, Christina. I hope you find a way to accommodate the choices open to you, and be happy.

Hi Christina,
I am struggling with this same issue...though this morning, I feel a bit more settled. Since my son was born a year ago, I've thought daily of having a third. I also have a 3 1/2 year old DD. I, too, have this lingering feeling that someone is missing and yearning for a third (and honestly, Iif you asked me 10 years ago, how many kids I wanted...the answer would have been ZERO!...it's amazing how life works!) If you want to PM me, I can give you an idea of the things I've been doing to help myself be more content and settled with the 2 I have. At the same time, my biggest fear is that if something happens to one child, the other will be left alone. (We are older parents in our mid-30s) My husband is away for a year, but recently told me that 3 would be fine with him, but I had to make my decision ASAP. My "cons" list is a mile long...my pros list is a few lines...but also hold a lot more emotional weight. I guess in the end, I'd rather regret NOT having a 3rd than regret having a 3rd, if that makes any sense. Is it fair to the 2 I have now to spread myself more thin? Would it make me so flustered that I would not be a good mom? Would my patience take a nosedive?
I say if I was young and rich, I'd have 2 more...but I'm not young, and I'm not rich...I know I need to be content with the 2 I have...but like you, I wonder...how???

Our daughter is 10, and our son is 8. There was a period when my wife asked to have more kids, but our son was still an infant and I just didn't feel like I could handle another, or at least not so soon. Since then, it seems like the opportunity to have more has passed. My wife hasn't asked about it since then, although she was pretty broken up when I said that I was ready to have more kids.

I have a lot of mixed emotions when one of my friends become new parents. A part of me misses that time when our kids were so young and dependent on us, and wishes that we would have another. But, then I remember all of the hard work--how sleep deprived we were, the diaper changes, the fear and frustration that came with trying to decipher what our baby needed based on their crying--and realize that we're not done parenting the two kids that we have, we have only entered different stages in their lives.

If I were to do it over again, knowing how I would feel about parenting now, I might have answered my wife's question differently. Things would have been tighter with three, but I'm sure that we would have been able to make it work. But, then, that's a bit of a cheat because there is no way for me to have been in the place that I was back then, and still feel the way that I do now. That's the price of experience.

There are times that I contemplate having a 3rd. We have two, a boy and a girl, but we were in our 30's when we started. I don't regret waiting to have kids. We were married for 7 years before our oldest was born. I feel that I was better equipped to deal with being a parent after I was older. I do feel that slight twinge of longing when I see a baby. Then I think about all the sleepless nights, walking around like a zombie trying to work full time etc... The reality is that we can provide well for 2 kids and there are just too many things working against us for a 3rd. First I am 36, so age is definitely a factor now. Our house is overflowing as it is. My 2nd pregnancy was really tough on me since I was still running around after a toddler...I can't imagine doing it with two running around. You just have to think about what is best for your family situation. None of us know your finances, so we can't get you a standard answer.

There is a significant cost to adding a third child! We decided to stop at 2 as well. I'd always wanted 3, my husband 2 or 3. But the 2nd pregnancy was very hard on my body, and I also suffer from PPD anxiety, so for the best interest of our family we decided to stop at 2. We have 2 girls, so my husband sometimes wishes we had a boy. But honestly, we'd have to buy a larger house (only 2 bedrooms), and a larger vehicle. It just doesn't make sense for this time in our lives and our finances.

Yes its a loss. I have to treat it as one. You grieve it like you would the loss of a child, parent or friend. But you have to make the choice to go forward and celebrate LIVING and the two children you have. As americans we want to live the american dream, our own house, 3 kids, a dog, own our own business, etc... But that is not the reality of every family. We're just used to the concept that everything is possible in the country and with this age of science. But sometimes we have to choose with our heads and not our hearts.

Please consider your husbands needs in this. It sounds like finances are the reason he's wanting to stop at two. He doesn't need the extra stress of wondering how he's going to provide for another child. The whole family would have to do with LESS so you could live within the same budget that you currently have, or even a smaller one (considering college funds, larger life insurance policy, larger house/vehicle etc...). If you could figure out a way to live with less, maybe not going out to eat (even fast foods), cooking from scratch instead of convenience, running the heat lower in the winter time and less AC in the summer, things that would save money that you're COMMITTED to sticking to, and enough to keep the cash flow from getting too tight, then maybe he'd be more willing to have another child. Don't try to manipulate him, that will cause resentment - which is the last thing you want in your home, just find out if there is a way to live with less and add a baby. If not, do him and your family the HONOR of moving forward. If this is really emotionally hard for you, I'd highly recommend going to counseling to deal with your issues of loss about this. Remember this is about your family, not you. If you put yourself FIRST and your family second, you risking being alone - where it can be all about you.

Best wishes, this isn't easy, but you can move forward about this issue!

The world is designed for families of 4...cars, hotels, travel deals. However, those are all details, and can be dealt with. You need to decide as a team what you want. As for the cost, college is the biggy there. One more child is not that much more in food and clothing and such. You have other kids - you have some basic items and clothing already. It is just money, and you can be creative on how to deal with that. You have your whole life to work and make money, but a short time to raise a child to love for a lifetime. I can see you truly want one more, and I hope hubby gets on board. Good luck.

I felt the exact same way you do. I have always wanted 3 or 4 kids and my husband wanted 2. He was very happy with our daughter and son. I, on the other hand, felt incomplete. I was finally starting to accept the fact that I would only have 2 kids and I felt very blessed with my two. I love them very very much! Then I ended up pregnant. At first my husband freaked a little especially since my two older ones were 6 and 4 so we had been away from all the baby stuff for awhile but then after the initial shock he came around. A year after my 2nd daughter was born, our family couldn't be happier. My husband adores her and so do my other two children. I do believe that the age gap has really helped. I don't know if it would have been as smooth of a transition if the three kids would have been closer in age. I can honestly say I feel complete now and my family couldn't be happier. I guess all I can say is that if it is meant to be it will. I prayed a lot putting the whole situation in God's hands. I told him if I was meant to have 3 then He will take care of it for me.

Good Luck!!

I am pregnant with number two right now, and if my body allows it, I will have more, but I am not sure what will happen. But I think that you BOTH have to have peace with the decision about more children. I would give it a little more time and then discuss it with your husband again in 6 months or a year and not bring it up until then. In the meantime, in your own mind and in your prayers, think about it and keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. I think you definitely should be grateful for what you have, but I also think that a mom will never regret having a child once they are here, but she may regret a child she felt she should have had.
I hope that you will be able to find peace in whatever decision you come to.

I want a third, my husband does not. I have to accept this because he already had his vasectomy. I think a part of me will always long for the child I did not have, but really, who it to say that longing would not still be there after 3, and than when do you stop? My grandma had 7. My husband made his choice out of fear, they almost lost me the second time, but for us what is done is done. If he had not had a vasectomy I think I would sit down with him and really talk about why I want one, why he does not, and try to find some common ground.

I am married to a husband who never really wanted kids and we have four. He is and has been a good dad with all of them. It is hard when one in the partnership does not want any or more kids. Try and talk to your spouse and tell him why you want a third child. Yes, to some extent there is more cost, but not for everything. You probably have some baby items still stored away that can be re used and that will save money. I had three boys and really wanted to try for a girl and we did and we did have a girl finally. I had a neighbor that felt the empty nest syndrome when her two girls went off to school and she had a third (boy). They enjoyed him immensely, but sometimes she said he felt lonely and as a only child. If you join play groups, that will not be so much an issue. Good Luck.

i have two girls, im fulfilled, i feel done

I fought for my right to have my 4th and she has been an incredible blessing to us all. However, I got almost no support emotionally from him during the pregnancy. It was worth it though! They're all grown and all precious. I'm so glad I did it. I knew during that pregnancy that it was my last, and I was still sad but sad in a good way.