I have noticed in my own life that for some strange reason even my own mothering abilities are tied to the functioning of my relationship with my husband. After recently reading "When God was a woman" by Merlin Stone, which talks about how women used to be viewed as sacred for their ability to bear life, and comparing how devalued women have become, I was wondering what ya'll think. Do you feel that the gift of motherhood is too tied to relationships with male persons? Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. But I think some of my parenting ability in the past has hinged too much on how he feels about me at the time, making me less avaiilable to my children. Don't we pretty much know that if the guy skips out, we will still be there...? I believe that this is the fundamental law of motherhood. "By your birth I promise to be there for you and lay down my own safety and comfort to defend and care for you" is rather the commitment made when we go through such discomfort and pain to produce a new life. I have not had to shoulder the burden alone, as my husband loves his children and family, but I'd appreciate the input of mothers, single and in relationships, regarding how they feel. Do you ever feel sacred? Shouldn't we....?
Hello everyone,
I cannot express how much I appreciate the responses I received. I really wanted to have a dialogue about this subject, as I feel like at the ripe old age of 36 I am just learning the kindergarten basics of being a woman. Having children changes ones perspective--or at least it did for me. The principles I grew up with in a straight laced Christian church just seemed discordant with this pesky little idea I had--equality. I am a firm believer in the very, very American idea of religious freedom. I am also a firm believer in the freedom to access and investigate information. In exploring the change of women's roles through history, I actually looked back beyond the rise of Christianity to the "old" religion. Things were different back then. Women were revered, on at least an equal footing with men. It always seemed to me that putting women in a bad spot right from the get-go was a means of controlling them. When I looked at how my attempts to play "helpmate", be obedient, and stay in my "place" had not worked out well for me, but seemed to be designed strictly for the pleasure and convenience of men, I started to wonder more...
After the life-changing event of giving birth...wait,let me pause for one moment to comment. I have had five children. I wanted very much to have them at home with a midwife. That didn't work the first time, and I ended up with a C-section. I tried again the second time--another C-section. Followed by three more. This was not what I wanted, nor was it natural. However, I believe that along the theory that "you really appreciate what you have WORKED for",pregnancy and birth are WORK--and there is no painless birth. My fourth C-section was done without anesthesia. If I skipped something by having surgery instead of natural deliveries--let me assure you I made up for it there. A baby is a miracle no matter how they arrive, or who their parents are.
Anyway, after giving birth, I started to want to understand more about why parts of my life weren't the way I wanted them to be and how that affected my children. I encourage ANY woman to at least read a bit about other opinions. That doesn't mean you have to convert. Even if you do it from the point of view of "know thy enemy"--what can it hurt to have the information to make a rational decision? I only knew what I had learned from my family, church and environment. I broadened my horizon and found a whole new world.
Another book that has been suggested to me is "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter" by Sue Monk Kidd.
And I would definately say I have Co-Dependency issues...lol...however, seriously, I feel like a large part of that is from my "training" to run after my man, trying to please him.
It seems to me (please feel free to continue to write on this thread or to message me) that my ability to be a confident, available mother, is all tied up with the fact that I was trained to be a second class helper to a man. If I remove that from my mental picture, I find it easier to be the strong mother that my children need me to be.
So sorry to be so long winded, and again, please feel free to continue to comment--I will read them!
Best wishes and blessings to all mothers everywhere!
Hi G.,
I publish a blog and I think a lot of the women here would really like it. I write about a lot of things that women are interested in. I'm going into my 8th week and have over 625 on my counter. I love writing for women so I invite all of you to visit me at loving--life.com leave me a comment to let me know you are a mamapedia member. Have a great day!
A.
I-yi-yi! I don't have a comment for you...but I'd like to address Sarah D... I am no less of a fabulous (or sacred) mother than you are because I had my baby "delivered", because I had "drugs" to ease my pain, or that I had a scheduled c-section for my 3rd child (or an emergency c with my first born)---- nor is any mother who adopts her children. Give me a break. Pregnancy takes nine months, delivery takes a few hours, and then we are mothers for a lifetime!
G.,
I don't agree that women have become devalued in our culture. Quite the contrary. As I was walking this morning I thought about how grateful I am to live in a country that actually has a day just to honor Mothers! There are years I feel less valued by my family, but this is for all sorts of reasons. I quickly remind myself that I am valued and that women in our society are treasured as competent and intelligent persons more than ever before.
Let me give you an example. My sister is 60 years old. She said to my 90 year old Dad, "I wish I had had more confidence when I was younger. If I had I would have gone into medicine." His response was, "You would have made a great nurse!" Now, as wonderful as it is to be a nurse, in todays world most Dad's would not have assumed their daughter was talking about being a nurse, which my sister was not. She was talking about being a doctor.
Yes, my husband honors me on Mothers Day. He did his best when I was pregnant but truth is you don't really understand something when you have never walked in those shoes. He never can walk in those shoes, can he?
Sacred......I'm not sure about, but I am quite grateful for the honor. I know my children love me. Some years they are more attentive than others, but that's okay, they are growing and learning too........just like us Mom's.
My advice to you would be not to dwell too much on what "should" and work towards what "could."
I am in a unique situation because I am a stay at home mom with a husband who is rarely home due to work travel. (He is usually gone for several weeks at a time, and then home for a few days or a week before he leaves again.) So in a parenting sense as far as the day to day things go, I am basically a single mom. When he is home we have his total support, attention and focus, but when he is not, we are on our own.
Because he is gone so often, I almost look at our relationship as a totally separate thing from my role as a mom or our roles as parents/family. Right now my son is only 2 1/2 so I am still cherished as a mommy, we haven't gotten to that stage of taking me for granted. And my husband does a good job of that too. But I don't look to my marriage to give me validation as a parent. For me they are too separate.
I do absolutely believe that you can't feel good as a mom if you aren't happy as a person though. For married mamas, the marriage is going to play a part in your happiness. For single mamas, other factors are going to figure in your happiness. My marriage is happy and works for me and that does play a part in my overall happiness. But my happiness and effectiveness as a mom is a separate thing. Sometimes I am more happy in marriage than as a mom, sometimes less. Sometimes the challenges I have trying to parent by myself weigh on me, but I don't tend to put those on my husband. We are making the most of our situation and I am happy with it. Sometimes I wish things were different, but I know that the grass isn't always greener and would not necessarily make my life happier or me a better mom. I know that my husband values me, as a mom, wife and person. That is important, but what makes me feel sacred as a mom is the fact that my child loves me absolutely, and that I am doing my best for him.
I think for all of us "doing our best" means something different. For me it has nothing to do with natural birthing, or doing it all, or family dinner on the table every night at 6:30. It has more to do with bringing my child up to be loving and well adjusted and healthy, and to know he is loved and cherished, even in our non-traditional circumstances, and it means making sure my husband is valued and respected as a parent also.
Interesting thoughts. I have to admit...my self-worth as a parent has little to do with my husband. There is nothing more sacred than birth. But that has been lost with the advent of medicalized birth. I, and the women I identify most with as holistic mothers, have one thing in common: we birthed our babies. We didn't have a doctor who "delivered" the baby, we didn't have drugs so we didn't feel every rush and every pressure, we didn't schedule it to be convenient for others. We waited until nature said it was time and we birthed our babies as intended, giving everything we had and everything we are so that our babies could have life, some with midwives, others without. Most were surrounded with loved ones and other women none worried about strangers walking in and out.
After birthing 2 babies, I know that there is nothing I can't do. I know that if I set my mind to it, I can do it on my own, and I know that the people around me will support me when I need it without taking over and doing it for me.
Yes, I feel sacred. But is of my own doing. No one else can make you sacred. You have to believe in your own abilities. And in parenting, I think that starts with planning a birth that is sacred. Things can go wrong and that doesn't have to take away from the experience if you go into it knowing the chances are small that you'll need anyone's help. Women were sacred when they birthed with other women.
I absolutely agree that society has devalued the role of motherhood, but I don't personally feel devalued. I guess I don't look for that kind of justification from the society around me. I look to my faith for that. In my faith we honor the relationship of husband and wife and the role of motherhood is central to the family. We are special because God made us to bring forth life. We are given a special role in the creation of new life.
Over the last year a dear friend and I have explored, deeply, the concepts of womanhood: the history, repression, roles, religious ideas about, the effects of the Adam and Eve story, the beliefs of and about, etc. We have explored our own beliefs and have a woman's group who have helped us explore a more cultural perspective.
I have learned that I bought into a belief system of women and martyrdom. That women have been valued according to their willingness to sacrifice. I have learned that we have been valued according to our willingness to give ourselves away and become who other's need us to be. I have learned that women are valued for keeping the peace, being the "good girl", not rocking the boat, never having or expressing anger or disagreement, etc. I have learned that all of these things have contributed to severe depression, breast cancer, heart disease, anxiety disorders, and lots and lots of pain and suffering.
I have also learned that we must question what we have learned. We need to open our minds and our hearts to see if what we have learned is in fact truth; or a dedication to a set of belief systems that have been passed down for thousands of years that no one bothers to stop and question.
My friend Lori and I now dedicate ourselves to exploring our beliefs and supporting each other, as well as other women, in turning within to find who we are and what is sacred for ourselves. In martyrdom, the sacrificial lamb simply dies. There is no reward or glory. There is just sacrifice. In the end, this serves noone.
I now give and serve from a place of empowerment rather than a place of sacrifice. I give from the overflow--not from my cup. I care for myself first and then I am more, and better, able to give to my children and the world. I no longer believe in finding my value through other people or any outside source. I am looking inward to see what I believe about myself, how those beliefs effect me, and am choosing whether to keep those beliefs or to be willing to believe that something else might be true.
I think mothers used to be honored more when they were home raising kids, baking, cleaning and somehow holding the world together. Some of you will have the opposite opinion and that's okay too. I think being a mother isn't about power as some said but a role in life. It's a role of giving life and loving that person forever no matter what. It's doing dirty work, fun work, sad times, hard times, happy times, rewarding, thankless, on and on. It's so much because it's your life. It's who you are and what you do and I don't care if any of my kids would honor me it's an honor to be their mother. My husband does honor me and that makes it even more worth it all. I know in Proverbs 31:28 states that the "virtuous" woman is honored.
"Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:"
What more value to your life as a mother could you ask for?
It's not how anybody 'feels' about us but who we are, but then who we are makes us 'feel' honored by those we serve. Birth is a process of giving life, mothering is so much more.
I believe that my parenting is somewhat tied to my relationship with my DH mainly because as a married couple, we are a team and a team relies on all the members working together smoothly to be successful, so when my DH and I are in the middle of an arguement, it does tend to make the ship sail a little more choppy. This does not mean that if something happened and I was forced to be single Mom that I would not be able to make it any more than when my DH leaves on a work trip and I am on my own for a few days does my mothering ability shut down until he returns.
Instead, every day I strive to be a "Proverbs 31 woman" (even if you are not a Christian-all women should read this section-it is very uplifting as a wife and mother) and, I know I am going to get a lot of guff from this, but I try to live the Biblical model of a wife and mother by being submissive to my DH (not submissive as in "rule over me-you are great and mighty and I am but a wee lil' weak woman", but submissive as in "I am your wife and teammate and you are my husband, head of the house and team captain-if we work together-who will ever be able to stop us"-see the difference?). Anyway, as a submissive wife, I know where my strengths and abilities in our family/team lie and I work hard everyday to complete my end-and though I am not always appreciated by my DH and children and my feelings get hurt-I still am a mother and wife no matter what and on the days when I am appreciated, it is wonderful!!!
Yesterday (Mother's Day), I got sick and couldn't celebrate with my family (and on top of our position in church, I rarely get much on mother's day because we are so busy), so this morning before he leaves for work, my hubby brings me breakfast in bed! What a way to show that he appreciates me being the mother of his kids!
As far as being sacred, that is something you need to make for yourself in your heart! I felt sacred to my kids the day I found out I was pregnant and continue to feel sacred with every milestone and "I love you"! If you wait for the world (and sometimes even your DH and family) to find you sacred as a woman and mother, you will be waiting a long time and will never feel fulfilled! Instead, just let the simple thrill of motherhood (which some women will never be able to feel) be enough to lift you up when you are feeling down and enjoy that you have a wonderful helpful DH! Remember, you are a Supermom and no one can ever take that from you!
When I'm upset with my husband, my temper is shorter or I'm distracted so I'm not as patient or as good a listener for my kids. But being upset with my husband doesn't change how I feel about my kids. I do believe that motherhood is sacred. I also believe that fatherhood is extremely important-- for children and men. That is one of the biggest reasons that I get upset with my husband! I want him to be a good father.
I would recommend reading a book called "Codependent No More."
Your success as a parent shouldn't be defined by your husband---I think what makes parents great is the fact that you each bring different life experiences to the table and that helps in dealing with the personality differences of your kids.
As far as feeling sacred, I am sure that has different meanings for each mother. But I am confident that if you are taking good care of yourself in spirituality and well as mental and physical health, everything else will fall into place.
Best wishes.
Amen to what Ree Al Uh T said!
If women were viewed sacred for ability to bear life......what happens to the infertile? Martin Luther (Reformation era, not to be confused with MLK) once said that if a woman dies in childbirth, it's no great loss because that's all a woman is good for. If the baby lives and the woman dies, she has accomplished her purpose. Yikes! Isn't that appalling?
I really, really loved what Patty W. wrote, and agree wholeheartedly with her.
