Religious Differences

Hi, C.. Your in-laws sound manipulative and inmature and sadly, they have missed the whole point of Faith.If his parents belonged to a nudist colony and the entire family joined in except for your husband's brother and your family, would you feel the same? Probably not.Religon is a "hot button" issue.They are using emotional blackmail to get your husband to do the "right thing",in their opinion, and rejoin the family church. Religion is a personal choice and as long as your husband and you are comfortable with whatever your choices are then that is enough. Your children are very perceptive for they truly are the "Mean" Grandparents. I KNOW this is hurtful but you can't control someone else's behavior; only your own. This is THEIR problem and your husband has every right to choose what relion he would like to follow, if any. Put on a smile, refuse to absorb their dished out quilt and behave as though every thing is just great.They intend to upset you by slighting your family. Please DON'T give them that satisfaction. I know nothing hurts more than when our children are hurt. Explain to your 7 & 5 year old that Grandpa and Grandma love them very much because they are very loveable children. When they point out the favoritism, acknowledge their feelings and remind them over and over that they are delightful, loveable children. Do not dismiss their feelings for they are listening to their gut and you will only confuse them. It is important that they understand it is NOT their fault their Grandparents behave that way. When they get a little older, explain that Grandma and Grandpa feel sad that Daddy left their religon and miss not having your family attend church with them. Your children's feelings are priority and they must be given affirmation as often as they need it. If your husband is having difficulty with their treatment of him and the kids then he should be the one to express his feelings to his parents.(probably a pointless exercise with these two but if he doesn't lose his temper, he'll feel better for expressing himself.) The issue is with HIS parents so you need to stay out of it. This is about power and control, trust me, if it wasn't about their religion it would be something else. You may have to distance your family so as not to subject your kids to their painful slights. Everyone wants family harmony and most of us spend our entire lives searching for it. Denise.
P.S. You may have guessed that I have dealt with a similar problem!
About me: I am 55, married and the mother of two grown children and I have two Granddaughters, that I adore. I am active in animal welfare, I mentor, garden and I am passionate about reading. We have pet birds, two dogs and one aquarium. :-)

You will never be able to control the pettiness of anyone, least of all anyone older than you. Rise above this nonsense, and recognize that it has very, very, very little to do with anyone's beliefs in, say, a loving god (under any name) or kindness, generosity or love as, say, guiding values.

It is clear that these people are hurting, fearful and controlling. It is my opinion that a parent's job is to stop people like that from damaging children. Your opinion may be different.

I don't see that their position has anything whatsoever to do with faith, but it is clearly filled with judgment. Perhaps you need to 'lead' your children to a place of peaceful acceptance of their grandparents' intolerance.

C. -
My heart goes out to you...I understand what a difficult position you are in because I am in a similar situation, especially in regards to the "If only" and "I should have"s. My husband has broken off all communications with his parents and has not spoken to them since Christmas of 2006. We've discussed the possibility of one (or both) of his parents passing and he had almost the same response as your husband. He has said that he has to protect his own family now from their judgement and abuse, because that's what a father should do. I worry all the time about how he will deal with it when one of them passes, but I respect my husband's decision. And truly, he is a happier man for it. I can't tell you how hurt he would get when they were in our lives, and I haven't seen him that sad since we cut off communications. I think you need to realize that he may be doing this for his own sanity as well as for the kids. There is nothing more hurtful than the people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally to put conditions on their love. While I applaud your efforts on trying to make it work, maybe it's just time for some space. Perhaps they will realize what they are missing and change their ways. It didn't work with my in-laws, but everyone is different and I will be hoping that it works out for you.
Good luck!

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It's too bad that they put religion first before family because everyone here seems to be losing in some way. I would sit down with my husband and ask him what is our goal here? How important is a good relationship with them? Are we willing to do whatever it takes to reconnect even if it means joining the religion? Is it worth reconnecting even with all the damage already done? I would even consult the opinion of clergy or a family counselor for advice and support. In the meantime, find some friends and other family members to connect with that are more positive and can be your support system.

Wishing you the best,

MC

C.,

Love your In-laws, forgive them, bless them, release them and wish them well.
They have told you they are waiting for you all to convert.
They are trying to wear you all down. It's more than likely
that things won't change until your religion does. It's sad and unfortunate, but that's how things are. Accept things the way they are and go with the flow. Take your children to visit their Grandparents the day before or after Holidays when there are less or no other family members present. Keep in touch with them by phone as often as you can.
Wishing you and your family much success.

For a 13 and 15 year old to decide to not go to church...I blame the parents! Why did they let them make that adult decision at that age?

Personally, I would boycott any family gatherings for awhile. Turn down invitations graciously. The kids already "know" their grandparents as "mean." Do the grandparents know that your children view them as this? The only ones that are loosing out, it sounds like, are the grandparents!

Good luck!

C., let me first say that I am sorry for you. It is sad that "religion" is dividing your family at all. It sounds like the family still wants control over their kids, as if that will give them the unity they desire. The only thing that will unify your families is respect. It sounds like it has gone out the door in favor of their religion. You may never get them to see your point of view and that is sad, but what you can do is continue to be a happy family, and do what you feel is right for you. My husband and I are protestant, and his family is all Catholic. We have learned to find the things that we have in common, and not focus on the things we don't have in common. If you and your husband can do that, even if his family won't, then I believe you have a better chance of being able to move on from it. It does hurt when the children aren't treated fairly. It hurts terribly, I'm sure. Especially from someone who is supposed to love them unconditionally. The bottom line is, you can't change what someone else is going to do, even if they are key people in your life. They will let you down. You can take the high road and be an awesome example to your kids. You can let honey flow from your mouth and leave the vinegar behind. It's all hard to do, but it will make you all a better family. Focus on your strengths, and the fruit of your labor will show for itself. Don't get down into the pit with his family. You will only get dirty. I believe we are to honor our parents, and I also believe that to be forgiven, we need to forgive. YOu can do that without his family's permission. Your husband can choose to move on, without ever getting the apology he deserves, and still not regret his decision. He can say to his parents, I love you, please respect the decisions I make, as I have respected yours. I want a relationship with you, but I want it to be about us, not religion.... If the family still chooses to be angry and unforgiving, then you may have to move on until they come around. I don't know your religious background, but I strongly believe prayer changes everything. If you do too, then pray like there's no tomorrow. In the meantime, I will be praying for you.
Take care,
J.

C.,
I have had some similar experiences in my family although not because of religion, but there was an inequality in the way certian family members were treated. My husband and I just slowly started to avoid family events. Now when we get together with any family members its "one on one" that way its easier to avoid that trap of sometimes feeling like your a "second class" family member.
Also a good friend told me something that really helped GO WHERE YOUR CELEBRATED-NOT WHERE YOUR TOLERATED! This has helped me to keep things in perspective. Sometimes when we allow ourselves to be treated poorly in the name of family it creates such resentment and hard feelings that it does more harm than good. Hope this helps you. God Bless you all.

Dear C.,

How wise that you recognize this situation needs some TLC! This will be long too, but lots of ground to cover. First, let me say, I am not in agreement with the way your in laws are treating you and your family. But you are not responsible for what they do, that is their problem. You are, however, responsible for what you do as being part of the solution. Your kids will not focus on the negative if you redirect them to some positives about Grandma and Grandpa. Show them the positive and don't allow them to hear you and your husband talk about the negative.

Your hubby and you as his wife have to do the right thing "honor thy father and mother" even when what they are doing may not line up with your expectations. (As long as nothing illegal or immoral is going on of course!) He's got to get it right with them or at least try to show them love so he is not carring around a burden of should have, could have, would have after they are gone. Also, the degree we honor father and mother has a lot to do with the way our children will or will not honor us. If you don't help him get this right now, you could have one miserable hubby on your hands one day. You love him so you don't want him to walk around feeling guilt or shame so you have an opportunity NOW to get it right while his parent are alive!

Look for a moment from their perspective. Put yourself in their shoes as a parent. If you are a Christian, and your child strays from Godly principles, it is less a matter of pride, but more a mattter of love to try to win them back to the Lord. We all want the absolute best for our kids. And that best is knowing our children are walking in a relationship with Jesus every day. (That we can praise Him in the good and bad times and that we know the power of prayer, learn of his grace and know the promises He has for us...to name a few).

Like the previous post, I also question how they would allow their son to leave the chruch at 13 when they were the parents and responsible for their son! This one is huge. What would the world be if we let every 13 year old make decisions on what was best to eat, drink, and do each day? Perhaps they realize their mistake here and are trying to correct it a little too late, but they have some unfinished business here.

I must say their "method" may not be the greatest. It doesn't sound like a way to win someone to the Lord, or to going to chruch at all. But because they are human, they have made a big blooper here. They've obviously made some mistakes. But in life we can only move forward, so you must face this head on. All of us make mistakes in relationships and we fail. But we always have the next day to get it right. I believe that is what you are really hoping to do is to just simply "get it right."

Do you have your own church? If so, share with them the things their grandchildren are learning and doing in Sunday School. The ROOT of this is their are afraid that since they only know "their religion" that your hubby has walked away. They want you and him and your children to spend eternity in Heaven with them. Since you said they are praying for you, I really think that they just fear for you and your husband and kids and where you will end up in eternity. Their comfort and peace would come with knowing you all would be in Heaven with them someday.

Jesus was love, he walked in love, and talked in love. Plant some kind seeds of love in them, even if they don't deserve it. Teach your kids to be kind, loving and respectful, even when it doesn't feel right and then tell them why, because the greatest commandment of all is to love one another as God loves us.

We reap what we sow (another biblical principle). Again, I am not saying the grandparents are doing things right. They are trying to get your attention about their chruch in the wrong way (by treating you as less than). I just say plant some seeds of love their way today and you will get love in return! If they are assurred of your salvation and that you are teaching your children about God, then they will feel much more comfortable. (This is why they are praying so hard for you!) The real thing they want is assurance that you will all have the gift of eternal life that God's word promises.

People with deep religious convictions really want the whole family to end up in Heaven someday, they want no one left behind, especially not one of their own. If you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, let them know that. It isn't about going to any one church in particular, although many families feel whole if they have all their chicks in one nest. Relate this to your own kids on Christmas when they are adults....if they can all make your family gathering how wonderful it would be...and the void you would feel if just one of them couldn't make it. (This is, I'm guessing, sort of how they feel with their family so split up).

Because they love you, they are trying all they know to get you to stop and think about eternity instead of just today. (Again, their method isn't pretty, but I really think they love you so much they are trying to get your attention). They kind of missed it when your husband was 13 and now they have realized their mistake and are trying to discipline him now. It's not working because he is an adult. It would be great if you could all have a long talk about it. Spill all of your feelings (in love) and let him do the same. Also let them know (if you can) that you can forgive them for any mistakes of the past. And then let them go. Regardless of what is going on, these are your husband's parents and your chidlren's grandparents. Model love and respect to your kids by showing love and respect to his parents.

Churches are much like families. And many families have the tradition of all attending the same chruch. My guess is this was the case for your hubbby's family. As backward as this may sound, they love you so much, they are trying to get you to stop and think about coming to church. There are many blessings being with like minded believers each Sunday. Church life is a lot like family life and people do all they can for one another. We are also encouraged to go out and teach others outside of the chruch as well. I know what this looks like and I know what you are feeling. I would NEVER want to be pushed into any religion.

However, as a parent, if you don't have a church, I think it may be a wise thing to do for your children, your hubby, and you, even if it is not the same church as your in-laws. Also you said your hubby said you and the kids are his family now. That is true, a husband is supposed to make a new life with his wife and kids. But he still has parents, and those parents still NEED his love and respect, even when they aren't doing things the right way. Because they need your love, you can both feel the peace of doing the right thing if you visit regulary and show them a little kindness and love, even if they don't return it. This will also teach your children much about kindness and love. And you can keep your husband from experiencing negative emotions later if you get this right now.

I hope in some small way this helps you see where they could be coming from.
Blessings!
E.

This may seem harsh - but the chilrens grandparents are mean and it is cruel to continue to subject your chidren to it. I would simply move on with your life in your chosen religion and be happy. You do not need your children feeling bad about things when they are with their grandparents. It is better to not know them than to let them get treated poorly. Sorry to say but you may want to consider distancing yourslef from them for the mental well being of the kids.

Ok. I too had a "Mean Grandma" similar to the grandparents described. With us it wasn't religious differences, my mom was remarried and this lady had some personal "feud" of sorts with the family of my real father.

You really need to take time out and weigh the cost/benefit analysis here for everyone involved. These people are hurting you and your husband. They are hurting your kids. What is the benefit? If the kids don't have other grandparents, even an "adopted" grandparental figure would be better. Your kids have important lessons to learn that only that generation can give them for sure, but they can learn that they are valued to the elder generation from someone less inclined to cause them life long trauma. It is your responsibility to look out for your family first, even if that means making difficult choices. It sounds like your hubby is fed up, and I'm sure he's given thought to the "what if"s. I understand you fear for his feelings, but I think in this case, and with all other things considered you just need to trust him to know his own heart. These people can really damage your children and put your family through unnecessary drama. Speaking from experience, it is *not* worth it. My "grandma" took both me and my sister on a driving tour of the slums of Detroit and told us that that was where we were going to end up living when we were older, etc. This lady seems to have taken a liking to my kids, and I am never rude to her when I see her, but I swore I would not subject myself or my children to that kind of abuse. I've seen what it can do. I saw what it did to my dad. He let guilt keep him involved in her life, and she always kept a crippling finger in him. I honestly blame the stress from her as a big part of the reason he passed away.

Bottom line. Protect your family. It's not worth it for anyone. Your kids (and your husband!) should have a life full of positive, supportive influences as much as possible. None of you need this childish petty behavior from these people. What are they teaching your kids about how it is okay to act, or what "religious" people of their path do? Who knows? A little bit of tough love on your part (such as refusing to attend family events etc) may help the grandparents to realize what their behavior has forced from their life, and cause a turn around. Maybe it won't. However, in that case - you can still sleep soundly knowing that tough as it was you still made the right decision for your family to keep them feeling happy, safe, and valued. No one needs that in their life. You sound like an incredibly compassionate and caring person. I hope I don't sound too harsh - I've just seen this particular scenario play out to everyone's detriment first hand. These folks are controlling. They do not *want* to "get past" religious differences - and sadly, there is nothing you can do to make them. They have to want to do it themselves. In people who are petty and cruel like this (they obviously know how they are hurting your children and your husband)what matters is not the outcome, but being "right". I'm not saying they are "totally" bad people by the way. My "mean" grandma is not evil incarnate or anything though we have jokingly refered to her as "satan's bride" once or twice.. she's done good in her life too - I try to focus on that when I think of her, but there are just too many important cons to consider when it comes to letting her be a part of my family. She divided my siblings and I to some point, she caused problems in my parent's marriage, she did serious and memorable damage to the self-esteem of all involved, and made a lot of messed up memories for everyone to boot. She is getting to be ancient now, and though I will mark and mourn her passing, I feel confident that I will not regret my choice. I have always only been protecting my family from an influence she cannot control - and I feel plenty good knowing she will never be able to take my kids on Detroit tours and tell them which street corner they will be working on. Good luck. My prayers are with you on this one!

This is a tough one. I have family members that I haven't seen in years because honestly, I don't like them. I am an adult and if I don't like the way some people treat me I will not be around them. I won't let my daughter be around them either because I don't think that is a good message to send.

I know they are his family but it really doesn't sound like a healthy environment for you to put your kids in. Are you able to spend holidays with your family? Is your family warm and loving?

We don't choose our family. We can choose who we spend our time with though.. as harsh as it sounds would you put up with this kind of behaviour from a friend?

L.

http://www.HealthyFamilyHome.com

Hi C.,
I would have your husband talk to them and explain the situation and if they don't want to change their ways then I would probably stop contact with them. It isn't fair for your children. I would be SO hurt and angry if one of my children were hurt by someone that was supposed to love them. Religion is hard sometimes. I was raised in church and still attend but sometimes I have issues with people at church. They seem hypocritical sometimes. So judgemental and closeminded. I still go to church but only talk afterward to my family and some friends. Good luck.
Chris

I don't have experience particularly with the religious differences, but I have had major family issues and didn't speak to one of my parents for about 10 years. All I can say is that if your children are being hurt by this then you need to take action. You said you wanted them to have a relationship with their grandparents, but it might not be worth it if they are constantly being hurt by them. If it was me, I would stop spending time with them and stop having my children spend time with them. Sooner or later they should realize that something serious has happened and call to see what it is, and if they don't then it's their loss. Or maybe some time without them in your lives might change your mind. Sorry I couldn't offer better advice, good luck

I feel for you because I had similar situation, all I could do was feel the pain of my children and I talk with my husband and he seen a different side of the situation. I sounds like you and your husband is on the same page about this. Heavens you don't want to make a big scene about it all but it will cause hard feelings and even lead to a total separation of the family and is even harder to deal with. My children are 30 and 25 and the grandparents are gone. They talked about when they passed but it is one of those lives lessons that some of us have to put up with, is it fair, not by any means. I is one of your hardest decision that you have to make because it family, and family is important for everyone.

Wish you the best

It sounds like you have tried to talk to them already and not made any headway. I would put your feelings into writing - kind of like you did here. Write a letter, put ALL your feelings into it, include the thoughts you have about excluding them from your daily living so the kids can still have some respect for them. Now wait a week or so. Go back to it and rewrite whatever areas appear to be said differently. Wait a week or so again. Look it over for a month or so. You will find yourself changing parts of the letter many times over. When you get it to the point where you feel you have said everything you need to say without the attack mode on, share it with your DH. He then needs to read it and if you both agree, go ahead and send it to his parents. Sometimes the writing of the letter is good therapy in and of itself and will give you ideas on how to teach the kids to still love their grandparents. If they still don't get it, I would take further steps such as, don't invite them to birthday parties or school activities. Talk to your DH's siblings to. Make sure they know how you feel so they don't feel like you are "taking it out on them". If there is no problems there, let the kids still get together so they can learn the importance of family.

I seems I've rambled a bit, but I've sort of been where you are with the grandparents having and showing favoritism.

Good Luck hun!

K.

THAT is AWFUL. How pigheaded to force your own child and his own family into a belief system they really don't feel.
And to make the grandkids suffer like that... I am sure that is NOT part of their religious doctrine, yet they do it.
They are probably 'embarrassed' at church that all their family is not involed... geez, what Religion does for us!

I don't think there IS a way to solve this, without one or the other set of you compromising what YOU believe.
I wish your inlaws could just accept that and be a loving family anyway. Mine do.
No matter WHAT happens when, you keep telling your husband he has nothing to feel guilty about. 'If only ' just eats away at you for no good reason , and 'I should have' would only make him a hippocrite in his own mind.
Even when they pass, let his mind and yours be at ease.
The hardest part would be explaining away grandma and grandpa's 'meanness' to your child without scarring her more.
Poor thing. Do they think they can force you by hurting your child's feelings? Obviously , they do.
THAT is not ANY giving , forgiving, god loving religion that I know or have studied!
Why can't everyone just let everyone else believe what they want and accept it?
Hang in there, be the bigger person, and don't spend much time with them if you can help it.

C.,
I feel for you. It stinks when family bonds are based upon whether or not you follow mom and dad or anyone else.

I can only say this: yes it hurts. Without a doubt. But you've expressed your feelings to the folks. I honestly think it's time to move on. The folks are in denial because (excuse me for this) they've had their nose pushed. In other words your husband grew up, thought for himself, and decided he didn't agree with their convictions. Nothing wrong with that. Sounds like you've continued to love them anyway. I've heard of various religions doing behaving in such a way.
Even tho it hurts, just don't associate anymore. If you feel you and your family is being treated with indifference or unequally, which it sounds like, I'd say don't subject yourselves to it anymore. It only causes you more hurt. And when enough time has gone by, the folks will maybe see the light and wonder why they're being avoided.
I think it's playing into their "game" to worry about the 'what ifs'. If this is how mom and dad are going to live, by playing favorites and rather blatantly too, then it's their misfortune to alienate their own flesh and blood. Maybe they will see the light at death's door. Maybe not. You need to have a clear conscience tho. Your first responsibility is your family and kids and making sure they know YOU'RE not doing the same thing. If the kids want a set of grandparents, there are probably some couples who'd like kids in their lives in the area. Volunteer at a retirement center and introduce your kids not only to giving their time, but forming friendships and bonds with other people. It fulfills needs to both the giver and taker.

C.-

I feel bad for you and your husband. I think that this issue will never reside itself with his parents and that this is between your husband and them. However, I definitely would not want my children around these people. Sometimes you need to walk away from people, even your parents, if they are toxic to your children. This has been going on way too long and I think that your husband needs to stand up to them and tell them what the kids feel like and that if it continues that they will not have any contact with their grandchildren. After this, your husband should not feel any guilt. He did all he could. Don't worry about your kids. When they reach the age of around 10 they will realize what kind of people their relatives are and you don't need to tell them.

C."

Wow - sounds like you took a big breath there!

Glad to see your husband takes his big boy pills - his parents are just wrong, they may have their reasons but keep in mind that "wherever two or more are gathered in his name, their he is among us" as quoted in the Christian bible.

Religion has always been a seperation of power with the ignorant, it has caused wars, death and life changes in many countries. But keep in mind when true religion is used in every day life it brings joy and love - not what you speak of in your e-mail.

Family does not judge, and it is not up to us to create each others paths. There is only one God, no matter what religion you practice in this world. If they were true Christians, they would not allow their ignorance to stand in the way of their love, love is unconditional, and is given freely, not bought at a price of a church pew. Remember what god gave of us, that was unconditional.

Stay real in your life, your children are feeling the ignorance from your in-laws already. Me personally, I would question if they are a good influence around your children, you may want to allow seperation from them. There are always excuses not to attend their gatherings, perhaps a Christmas away from them for a few years. As well as speaking to them, and telling them how you feel if they want to continue to be part of your childrens lives - do not ask, tell.

After all they are your children, do what is right for them, express this to your husband and make decisions based on what is best for your children.

I wish you all the best,

M.

Hi C.,

It is so unfortunate that your in-laws are so immature, and much worse that they are proclaiming "Christianity" but WHOM are they serving? If it were me, I would not allow my children any association with those grandparents. If confronted I would politely explain exactly what you have shared with mamasource and explain that by thier actions they are inflicting pain and wounds that may live with your children the rest of thier lives. I am truly sorry that you and your family are having to go through this. Trust in the LORD and give all of this to HIM, and believe in HIS promise is Romans 8:28. HE can fix any situation, however, until then I would decline visits with them as much as possible.

I will be praying for you, please don't let this leave a bad taste in your mouth about all professing "Christians".

Walking in HIS truth and peace,
M.

Your kids are getting old enough to know and recognize the differences. Our family also shares two religions. Our immediate family is treated as "outsiders". I think religion comes first. Your kids will see the difference of a loving faith and turning the other cheek as much as you can and those are important lessons. Respect his parents, but my kids also tell a difference between their two sets of grandparents. One is $5 at a birthday and the other showers them with gifts. Some people like hugs and some people would rather email. God created us all different and humans are imperfect. That's also a lesson to be learned. But God loves us all and call us to love and respect them as well.

WWJD?

I feel for you I went through something similar with my ex inlaws but not over religion we just didn't have anything to do with them for a year it changed things some but they still treat my son different from all the rest of the children.
My step mother left her church and is not allowed in her parents home when my step brother was 18 he moved in with his grandparents to go to college which they convinced him he didn't need and he didn't finish but that aside last summer he got married and did not invite any of his step family and his mom if she would have went was only allowed to sit at the back of the church and was not allowed to attend the reception. she is crushed and this from what I am told is just over religion.
I cant tell you it will get any easier but I agree that you should only see the family at a one on one basis that way the kids do not see the difference in the way they treat the children.
Good luck

Religious differences aside - that is plain mean to involve the grandchildren. I'm surprised the parents of the kids being lavished on don't recognize that yours are skimmed over and say something! I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable having my child spoiled but seeing my niece or nephew get nothing. (And you're right, it's not about how much they are spending...but there shouldn't be that much difference!)

I would definitely write them a letter explaining the hurt that is felt and the division it's causing. Obviously, your husband loves his parents but he hates that their actions and attitude is hurting you and your/his children! This should be addressed and frankly, if it doesn't stop, I would be hesitant to allow my children the pain of visiting with them when the favored children are there or when gifts are involved...perhaps even all together stop seeing them.

I know that sounds extreme, but no good is coming from the relationship as it stands. They need to realize where you stand and realize what they are doing and how it affects your children and your family.

His parents raised a good man (that being your husband) - so appreciate and love them for that. Share with them what they are doing and how hurtful it is - if things do not change, then you & your husband will have to decide how much of this you want to expose your children to. Keep adult matters between the adults, but if you ever need to stand up for your children or just leave...then do so. The kids need to be protected and will recognize when you stand up for them.

What a terrible and sad situation....hope things work out for the best!

C.,
First, let me say that I give you credit for not naming the religon. To me it is sad when we forget that we are One Body, One God. However, that is not what you are worried about. My personal opinion (I make it based on a difference between my mother, my husband, and myself) is that you can only do what you can do. If you are bringing up your children in the way that you feel God is leading you and your husband, then that is all you can do. You can't "make" your in-laws understand something that they are not willing, or maybe able, to acknowledge is a problem. You can only pray for their hearts to open and see your children and your husband as important and valuable just like their other children and grandchildren. My heart breaks for you. But, if when you are with your husband at the end of the day, and you both feel you have done all that you can to keep the lines of the relationship open, then you have done all you can. God gives us free will and choices for a reason. We can only be responsible for our own and how we raise our children. I hope that this helps. I will keep your family in our prayers. Oh, I am a Speech-Language Pathologist, too. I ham married and have 2 children (12 1/2 and almost 10). I work in the schools and am looking forward to the summer almost being here. I am also a Sunday School teacher and Youth Leader for Sr. High and sometimes Jr. High. Keep your head up and keep smiling.
B.

Are there actual theological differences in between your hubby's beliefs and the "church"? Do you currently go to any denomination on a regular basis?
Everyone looks at quality time as different things. Perhaps the grandparents don't feel as close a connection to your kids because they view the church as a common likeness with the kids...
Now, i will tell you the rest of my opinion when you answer the above questions because they play into it greatly...

A bit of history... Half of my family is in a specific group. Parts of the other half although practicing the SAME BELIEFS, but not members of said "approved" church. The rest are totally disallusioned by all organized religion and don't belong to any group.
Ones in approved group will not talk to those not in approved group...
My children will never know their great grandparents and my aunts and uncles and cousins. All because of "the possibility of embaressment". See, my one aunt ran off with a guy not in the approved group, somehow it was my fault ... But a huge save face operation went into effect and my family (mom, dad, siblings) saw the 2 faced ness of it and decided not to participate or fight. So we left... And to quote the infomercials... "wait, theres more".

Have you thought of trying to secretly taping a holiday like Christmas to have as 'evidence' of their indifference with your children. Host XMas at your home and put a video camera in a place you can 'hide' it. Just a thought.

For people that proclaim to be very religious they do not seem to be very accepting like a true christian should be -
I wish you luck - when/if they get to heaven they will have to answer for their cruel treatment to the one they proclaim to worship so dearly.

First let me tell me I am so sorry to hear your children are being subjected to this. Secondly, I know your pain. My husband was raised with a strict religious background. When his sister married someone outside the "right" faith they tried to stop the wedding by pounding on the windows of the church. His next two siblings married "good people" who either were the right faith or converted. However, they chose not to attend our wedding because he had left the church and did not look back. He had an awakening of sorts in college, especially at the time of his sisters wedding. We at first were going to get married in thier church, just to keep peace however they are old school and they did not want friends only family in our wedding. That was a real turning point for my husband, he made it clear that he would respect them if the chose not to go - but that he would not be like his sister was when they did not speak to her until grandchilren were brought into the picture. Now and again they do go on binges of being mad at thier kids for not following what they want for them and do not speak to them. However, my husband made it clear you respect me and I will respect you. Once in a while his dad has brought up that it was time for our daughter who is now 4 to be baptized. However, my husband simply reminds him that how we as a couple choose to raise our daughter is our business, and as long as they continue to be mindful of that they will remain in our daughters life. I think your husband should have a talk with him maybe in a neutral ground public area that what they are doing in the eyes of God is not at all what they preach. That if they can not treat the kids equal then they do not need to be a part of his families life. It stinks he has to do this, but obviously his parents are not acting like they have any faith, whatever faith they are they should NOT be judging your husband for he is doing or not doing. They need to take a good look at themselves. It is hard I know, I have bit my tongue on more then one occassion when my sister in law said I was a horible mother because I chose to work and God would not want that (yeah well at least my kid can share and even your 12 year old still throws a tantrum at the idea of it-but God must be okay with that). Sorry for that rant.

Anyways, just make sure your husband has that talk and good for him for leaving a faith that would raise it's followers to be so judgemental.

Dear C., as a christian I am APALLED!!!!!! My husband, myself and our 2 youngest children are active in church, but our older 4 children are not. We treat them no differently than the 2 that are!!!! They are corrupting the Word by their very actions! I am truely sorry that your family is being treated this way and these actions are what gives "christians" a bad name. Please don't get the impression that all christians are that narrow minded! And let your husband know that I will be praying not only for your family, but also for his family. I pray that God will bring someone into their lives that will help them to see what they are doing and how damaging it is! This isn't really a religious difference, but a heart issue on the part of the parents!!! It is their sin, not yours. Just a question, are you as a family involved in a church of your choosing?? Not that it would change my response, but it will help me to know how to better pray for you. L. S.

I had to deal with something like this in the family, but we were able to work out our relationship before children, so my heart really goes out to you. For situations like birthdays and Christmas, you could always celebrate separately from your husband's family. Then at least your children would not have their cousin's gifts to compare with their own.
Your husband may need to sit down alone with his parents, or even write them a letter if he just can't sit down with them. He should explain that if they are to have a working relationship, these things must be agreed upon. Then be prepared with a list of whatever he/you feel is acceptable. (for example, I had to tell my parents to stop arguing and trying to "convert" me all the time) Even if it is different with your family than with their other children, as long as everyone is treated with love and respect you can have some sort of relationship with your in-laws/your children's grandparents. I wish you the best...