Asking About Religion?

I agree. Religion has become a taboo topic. But I wish people talked about it more. I wish people asked me about my religion more. Because, as you say, it is the vehicle that steers my values, ethics, and worldview.

I agree with you Sherri. Knowing a person includes what their belief system is. If someone's moral compass is completely different than mine, we might have a problem getting along or agreeing on issues etc. I love all of my friends and family---I have a very diverse set of friends which include people from all walks of life, faiths, sexual orientation etc. I believe that faith and religion are a huge part of who someone is and if I am to know them, then I should know this part of them as well.

I think I'm stricter than you are on this, even. :) Won't even go into detail.

Everyone who knows me personally (and many who don't) know what my religion is because it's not to be separated from "me" or "my life." I tend to know what religions people are that I know personally, as well. I do think it has great value.

I know some GREAT people that are Mormon. I also know some people that I can't stand.
I know some pretty fabulous Christian's and I also know some that wont associate with you unless you are a "believer"
I know some really kind and compassionate Republicans. I also know some a$$ holes.
I know some perfectly fine atheists...and I know some really judgmental ones.
I also happen to know some Democrats that are complete JERKS and some that are super great.
A person's religion or political affiliation has nothing to do with what kind of person they are.
L.

I can see your point, but as someone who practices a non-christain religion and has seen first hand how cold someone can turn because of their own lack of understanding about your faith, I can also understand the desire to keep ones faith private.

Blessed Be

Why?

If someone doesn't believe in God.....believes in say, The Universe and all its wonder and glory...does that mean you would think what? How exactly does that information translate into they might not be a good person? Or that your kids wouldn't get fed a healthy lunch while at their friends house? Not a single one of us on this planet *knows* what happens after we die OR better yet how we even got here...not a single one of us.

I am seriously baffled by this question. You say you 'try not to judge' but yet you also say you 'do *need* to know what they are'? To me, that says you place judgment... all over it!

Does it really make a difference if your 'friends' or the people down the street are Baptist, Lutheran, Jewish or even Muslim? It turns out, they all have The Ten Commandments in common. Even Atheists live by the law of the land and the ethics of our society...which is based on, you guessed it, The 10 Commandments!

So what distinction is it that you are looking for? That you *need* to know??

History is full of examples of bad people who went to church every Sunday and good people who never went to church a day in their life.
Example: Dennis Rader (AKA: The BTK Serial Killer) was an active member of his church. Where as my husband, who has never been to church a day in his life has ethics and integrity that puts many of our church going friends to shame. *Honestly he might be too square :)

I am not even gonna touch the politics side of this question...b/c I was raised (and rightly so) that no one has the right to ask me who I vote for!!!!

For what it is worth, I think that it is very healthy of you to ponder and post this question and maybe find the answer to why you feel the *need* to know these certain things. In the end Sherri, we are all the same...human beings!

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Loved your SWH Sherri! Very well written/said!
Thought provoking question and answers all the way around.
Just another glimps into the differences of all us and it is enlightening as well as educational! Love this site and it's the differences in the big as well as the little things that make us all so amazing!

I have NEVER asked anyone about their religious beliefs, unless it came up naturally in the course of a conversation (or if I was dating them lol!)
Most of the people I know don't go to church (though some do) and a few of my kids' friends are Jewish. How do I know? Because my kids got invited to their bar/bat mitzvahs!
I wouldn't ask anyone their religious beliefs any more than I would ask them their yearly income, or their weight. It's private, personal and none of my business :)

What religion a person subscribes to has no real relevance on whether I am friends with them or not or whether my son can be friends with them or not.

Are they good, honest people? Do they model a healthy family style - whether t be married, cohabitating, hetero, or same gender - does not matter - do they model a loving, stable home life? Do have a moral compass and practice responsible citizenship?

These are the things that are important to me. If they do not share my religion will they show respect to me and my son about our beliefs? As we show respect to theirs.

I grew up in a religiously odd family, exposed to Catholicism, Judaism, Buddhism, and more - my parents' friends were varied to say the least. From those roots I learned tolerance and an open approach to others religious beliefs. And while I am considered a Baptist now, I am not a card carrying member. My religious beliefs are an important part of my life seeing that I spent a good 20+ years exploring them but I do not believe they are any better, or any worse, than other viewpoints.

I would hope to be accepted as a whole person - not just a member of a certain religion.

My feeling is that the topic will come up organically. There are hints if you can read between the lines, and listen to how someone speaks. The phrases they use are a big indicator. Sometimes people will take it on themselves to say something straight out without being asked, and take that as, "Well I told you about me and now it's your turn" and then you feel obligated to return the information.

But to simply ask straight out is rude and tactless. No one has the right to do that unless there's some preset script, such as when you go to the hospital for a surgery and there's a little ticky box to check. :-)

That's not to say that I keep my Catholicism a secret. I don't, as I'm proud of my core faith. I might toss out a few indicators of my own now and then, casually, and see what the response is. Most people around here are the same way. Only the rudest of rude and children will ask you straight out, and of course they don't realize they're being rude. But those are usually the same people who assume that you're the same faith they are and are flabbergasted when/if you burst their insular little bubble.

In a way you are right, that generally you learn what a person's religion is as you get to know them.

BUT...If a person doesn't have crosses, etc. around their house, doesn't prostheletize to me, and we don't talk about religion, but we talk about everything else, I would consider that I know them, and that their faith journey is a personal thing.

How you live your life is a better indicator to me of who a person is than the label of their faith. Or even if they practice. I have known very moral athiests, and evil Christians. Their religion tells me what they believe in and what they practice, but it does not give a true picture of who they are.

People can talk the talk all day long, but it's the walk that matters to me.

I'm going to have to agree and say that yes, you will know the religion of your friends.

I know every single one of my friends' religions. And every single one of us is a different religion! I find it wonderful that they practice in their own way. Some of my friends are Muslim, so I'm glad to know that they are so I don't serve them pork. They also have their fasting holidays.

Some of my friends are Christian. So they celebrate the Christian holidays and I want to ask them how their Christmas or their Easter was. I know that they will not be available on Sundays when they go to church. I'm glad to hear about their youth groups that they lead and the retreats they go on.

Some of my friend are Buddhist. They have specific beliefs, holidays and superstitions. It absolutely is a part of who they are.

Some of my friends are Scientologists. They have holidays and church events. They do community work.

Do I know my friends' religions? Yes. Is it part of who they are? Absolutely. Do I love them for it? YES!

Just knowing a person's religion does not tell you EVERYTHING about them, of course. There are good Christians and bad Christians. Good Muslims and Bad Muslims. Etc. One could also argue that a bad Christian isn't really a Christian (and they would be right). Still, I don't see the harm in knowing what your friends' religions are.

I ALSO know all my friends' political views, but we do not discuss politics. THAT would be the undoing of us!

What Jen said. And remember, just because someone doesn't follow a defined religious dogma doesn't mean they don't believe in a god or have a set of moral values. I don't care what other people believe and it doesn't affect my relationship with families of different faiths. My children have been taught to not judge people except on their character and no religion can guarantee someone's character. They've all had experiences at Christian-run camps and have attended Christian services with friends, but they are hardly swayed by them. They don't believe in it, period, but that doesn't mean they can't learn something from it.

And I find it off putting that you *need* to know someone's religion. No, you don't, you *want* to know, but you don't need to.

As a family practice physician, my husband almost always asks what religion, if any they were raised with. I asked him why he asks that. He says it really helps him understand where people are coming from. I kind of have to agree. Its pretty pertinent info if you are trying to establish a relationship. If you are not trying to establish a relationship, then sure, it does not need to be asked.

(FYI, my husband is not a typical, see 20 patients a day, get-am- in- and get-em -out doc. He is a mobile doc visiting mostly elderly, end of life, Hospice etc... so he spends a lot of time with his patients, thus he likes to know a lot about them)

It's gradually been coming clear to me that religion, any of the major religions and most of the minor ones, provide similar rules and guidelines by which we make sense of our lives. They provide a structure by which we can live well and be good citizens of the world. All major religions adhere to similar qualities that add value to our lives individually and in society. Christianity calls these the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith.

Except for perhaps faith, those qualities are quickly evident in the lives of those families we hope our children are attracted to. I don't need to know what church a family attends to notice whether they live the values that I want to teach my child. In fact, people of no particular faith can still live these qualities. I've had many such people in my life. And I've had a few outspoken "religious" people in my life who don't do such a great job of living their faith.

Having been immersed in conservative Christian teaching for my entire childhood, I wondered about that for many years, but have finally come to understand that religion, law, and other socially-imposed "restrictions" on how we live are actually a bumper-sticker version of truth, needed until we internalize the need for/reasons for those rules. Once we get that truth, which can come at us from non-religious directions as well, we internalize the value of the rules and just live them, no matter what we call ourselves. So people who have never been inside a church or temple, never opened a book of scripture, can still be exemplary people living worthy values deeply and truly.

So I'm much more attentive to the fruit than the name of the tree…

I care how a person acts and behaves, plain and simple. This may or may not have anything to do with their religious beliefs. Knowing or not knowing a person's religious beliefs does not change the person in any way shape or form. It does not change my opinion of them in any way for me to know or not know. You could say you are any religion in the world, if you are a mean and nasty person I'm not going to like you, religion has nothing to do with that. If I enjoy your company that is all that matters.

Religion does not define everyone as a whole. There are some people that are nothing more than their religion. It makes them happy. That is fine. In my case I am far more than my religion and to keep poking to find out what it is will find nothing new about me, will find no new thing to connect with me about. My religion is such a tiny little speck of who I am.

Knowing the parents of your kids' friends does not have to mean knowing their religion. Unless it is openly affecting your children because they are trying to force their religious teaching on your child or actively practicing a ritual in front of your children that you would rather them not it doesn't matter one bit. I feel like I know my kids' friends parents very well enough without asking what their religion is, I'm friends with most, if not all of them.

I think you are losing out on some wonderful friendships by basing it on knowing what their religion is. I have friends that I have known for ages and I've never felt the need to ask what their religion is. If they volunteer it, great. If not, I don't care. They are who they are and I enjoy their company and we move on and enjoy our time together.

For me the reason it doesn't matter can be summed up like this

"your beliefs don't make you a good person ... your BEHAVIOR does".

It really is as simple as that for me. WHY you treat others with (or without) kindness, compassion, respect, dignity and equality means NOTHING to me.

To me the thing is how you live your life is a clear indication of your belief system. I don't need it spelled out for me. Plus you get your bible thumpers, ya know, the people that use religion as a weapon, and people are atheists but are good people.

I guess I am saying what you state you believe is really a poor indicator of what you actually believe. That is better illustrated by how you live your life.

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The thing with that other post is a lot of what I mean. She is a god knows what because she is more interested in her process of enlightenment that what that process actually shows. In my opinion she is the atheist version of a bible thumper. A bible thumper quotes the bible to show they are better than you. That woman quotes her process of denying god to show she is better than her peers. What is funny is she doesn't see her approach as the reason she gets the response she does. No one likes people who say they are better than you, ya know?
(this bottom bit wasn't there when TF posted so is not by proxy an endorsement of my post as a whole)

I am wondering if you are a non-denominational christian? I went to a non-denom church once and was shocked that in the sermon the preacher spoke of how important it was fror your friends to be of the same belief. For a fact the Catholic religion does not see it this way-we are tauht that all religions are good and there is more than one path to God. And not to judge others b/c that is God's job. As far as I know most of the other christian religions feel this way also. Also I have only ever had non-denom, fundamentalist Christians get on me about my religion and question my beliefs.

Sherri, interesting topic. It doesn't upset me at all, but actually I have never thought of it. I am Catholic, and I have beautiful and real friends, of different religions, Atheists, etc... and a few I have never asked them about their religion, just because they are really great, nice and I don't mind what religion they profess; I like them and I love them because the way they are, for what they do for their families, acquaintances and friends, for their attitude, for our common interests and because they are there in my path in my life and I liked them! What I look for when I meet someone or my kids' friends is honesty, respect, a safe and clean environment (it doesn't have to be perfect or spotless)I mean good people like you or me. Religion doesn't say too much about people; there are bad Catholics and good Catholics, good Muslims and bad Muslims, etc....Religion tells about what you believe in and sometimes people exaggerate and do bad things, but all of us hope that our faith whatever it is leads only to noble and wonderful things.
Acquaintances to me are most of my neighbors who I don't know them very well, I don't know who they really are or what happens inside their houses, they just say "hello" and wave...they are not my friends. Acquaintances were most of my co-workers, nice people, but most of them didn't know me or I didn't get to know them. They are just familiar to me because I physically know them but there is no a deep knowledge or confidence with/in them. On another hand, I don't think that Religion is a taboo at all, I just think that some people rather to keep it private and some others don't, I respect that and it is nothing wrong with it, personal choice.

I find that religion and politics are typically topics that are for each individual. I don't care if you are Christian, Jewish, Hindi, or even believe in the philosophy of Buddha. I personally don't want to hear about it. I find everyone has strong opinions about their religion be it even just within sects of Christianity and they are ALWAYS the right one everyone else is wrong. It just makes for unpleasantness at best. I don't care if you are voting for Obama or Romney for that matter I don't want to hear about it because it always seems like people who are that up front with their opinions are going to push it on you and I don't like those sort of people in the first place. Opinion are like um... bottoms everyone has one and everyone's stinks! Religion and politics fall in that category to me.

No disrespect, but this is such a strange post. Religion is the last on my list that I need to know about someone to determine whether they would be a friend. It has zero to do with the person I am. You may be missing out on a lot of great people, basing relationships on their religious beliefs. I have a group of 4 best friends who I see weekly. Of the 5 of us, 2 are Christians, 2 are agnostic, and 1 is catholic. We as mothers have many things in common, and very rarely does religion enter conversations. I simply cannot imagine meeting a family, learning their beliefs and thinking " ooh they won't be invited over for Saturday night cookouts,". Ridiculous. Try to open your mind and heart to people for what they have to offer you. If they benefit your life (meaning no drama, Etc.) allow yourself to accept them. You would be surprised what you can learn from many types of people.

We have to admit, today's concept of "religion" was created by man. As such, it's flawed. So who am I to judge which church a person goes to or doesn't? Which imperfect, humanized establishment they choose? Going to any of them, is going to involve some level of compromise, for me at least.

if you absolutely must know a person's religious and political views, one has to wonder why. You have to know, that those without a church home will immediately clam up thinking you're asking because you are going to want them to belong to yours. It's a huge turn off to think a potential "friend" may be thinking along those lines.

IF it was a situation that the new friend i made, was in need of faith at that point in their life, then i'd hope that as the conversation came up naturally (i generally introduce something like "well sundays are not great for us, that's church and family day" or find another way to subtly advise them where i stand) and we became familiar with each other's situations, that i could be perceptive enough to reach out WHEN needed, and not force the issue needlessly- which is sure to chase them in the other direction.

politics...bleh! faith is based on what is in your heart- but politics? that just depends on whose lies you choose to believe lol. not even in the same ballpark.

I work it into the conversation- "I am Catholic, and while my mother is neither Catholic nor Jewish, she did, in fact, invent guilt." In a way, I see your point-if you don't know a person's religion-how well do you really know them? I, too have friends that I don't agree with politically-they're are dems-I know, scary.We cannot and never talk about politics.

Knowing what a person believes can impact what influence they will or can have on your children so while it is not important to know for the sake of friendship, it is important to know for the sake of values and the effect it may have on your kids over an extended period of building a relationship

Jo could not have said it better. Ditto.

Sherri I see what you're saying and I agree with you. Religion is something I know about everyone I consider a friend. Not because I judge them on it, but it's part of who a person is and is in that realm of things you know about people close to you, like knowing where they grew up, what they do for work, whether or not they have living parents and siblings and where they live, what their general political beliefs are, what they're passionate about, etc. It's not as if I sit there with a checklist when I meet someone, but religion to me is in the realm of things you share with your friends and learn over time, naturally, in the process of becoming friends.

For us, religion usually comes along pretty early in a conversation because I am Catholic and teach religious education and my husband is Jewish, so we celebrate the major holidays of both religions. "Religious" references are all over my FaceBook page - maybe something funny that one of the kids did walking into Mass, something interesting that happened in my class, a "l'shana tova" on Rosh Hoshannah or a little victory post after making a really good batch of latkes, etc. So I don't know if the "front and center" presence of religion in our own family and our social life breaks the ice, but I would assume that everyone I know knows our religious beliefs and vice-versa. It's not something I would consider private at all.

I totally don't get it, but it's interesting that you feel this way. I go TOTALLY on instinct as to whether that person is nice or not. I ask very few questions like this up front, but piece a picture together over time. If someone isn't nice, I rarely get to knowing their political persuasions or faith, and if they are nice, I just don't really care and figure they'll mention it if they want... I've been surprised many times to find out a friend is the opposite political persuasion than I would have assumed, or that they're a religious person or atheist if they seemed opposite... I don't have certain requirements for friendship, so it's not necessary to find out those things for me.

At first it sounded like you need to "qualify" people in order to befriend them by knowing their status on things, thus the questions (which many people feel are personal), but since you say you're open and will accept almost anyone, you just need to know "what they are"...that's an interesting way to look at it :)

I honestly can't remember any friend asking me directly what religion I am, not I have ever ask what theirs is.
Some times the conversation just come out about it at some point, with some it never has.
I really don't mind.
Maybe it has to do because an experience I had when child. Growing in a mix family (Catholics and Jehovah Witnesses).
One day I got lost, my mom call her SIL to help her find me, she said:sorry I was about leaving for church".
I remember my mom talking to my dad saying how ironic was that somebody so religious wouldn't help some one in need, specially being family.
Of course she (my aunt) was a mean, sour women, but it got carved on my memory that religion doesn't equal good morals.
Politics, I try to avoid that, but I am still friends of people that is opposite of my believes...I just feel bad about them, just kidding. I just avoid politic talks with them.

I hear you, and in many ways, I relate to people in the same way. It's not that the information itself will determine my ability to be friends with someone, rather that I know them well enough *to* know these things about them.

If I have a developed frienship with someone, I do wish to know their religious beliefs. By already being a friend, I would not hold their religion or lack of, against them; I've already formed a friendship so they obviously have qualities that I am in sync with. I'm with you; if I don't know their religious views, then we must just be acquaintances.

My MIL is a Jehovah's Witness. I knew my husbands family about 10 yrs before he & I started dating. When he and I started dating, I knew what to expect with a MIL in this religion. I very much liked my MIL way before I became her DIL and accepted her religion. Likewise my MIL is accepting of mine and my husbands religion and how we raise our children. The key is that we had this mutual respect when we were just friends and not family.

As for Politics, I really do not feel I need to know which party they lean toward. Maybe it's because I live in Obamaland and we are a very blue state so I assume everyone is left EXCEPT for me. It's quite funny because my MIL is not suppose to have any political interests and cannot vote. However she is probably one of the most political people I know, lol, which is great because her & I share the same political minds and we love to talk politics.

Also I do not need to know my childrens friends religious views or political party prefrences.

I didn't see the earlier question, so I don't know how it was asked. I don't mind people asking about my beliefs unless they are being accusatory or rude. It depends why they want to know if it's their business or not.
And it may also depend on the person. A very private person or someone who has a hard time articulating certain thoughts or feelings might feel put on the spot. Or I have a friend who started to convert to his ex-fiance's religion and since I'd already told him he shouldn't convert unless HE wanted to, it took him a long time to tell me that he never completed it after they split. So I didn't know his religion even though I've known him since we were teenagers.

I think you find out over the course of a friendship and I personally have a lot of friends that aren't my closest friends but I would still call friends (vs acquaintances) where I don't know certain things about them. Like a work friend who I might go to lunch but not know til later that he's Jewish so that's why he takes a vacation at Christmas. You find out who celebrates Ramadan and Sukkot and Easter over the course of getting to know someone. I don't put "know religion" on my "is this person a friend" checklist. I usually find out but it's not mandatory criteria, KWIM? And if someone keeps kosher, for example, you tend to find out pretty quick.

In short, I do pretty much know the religious beliefs of my friends, but I don't need to know their beliefs before I call them friend. I know who they are (nice person, caring, giving, etc.) and if that comes from a Buddist or Catholic or Jewish background is secondary info.

I have a best friend since high school. It wasn't until she told me that her and her husband went to church did I know her religious views changed to Christianity. She was Buddist in high school and up until she got married. It made no difference to me what religion she practiced. I don't ask anyone what their religious views are unless they tell me.

I am Wiccan and I do not discuss my religion until I get to know someone. I am single and I have "New Age" listed on my online profile for a singles site. I have been told my men, that I expressed interest in, that they do not want to meet because of my religion.
I always wear my pentacle so I do not hide my religion but I also don't talk about it unless I feel safe to do so. I am happy to discuss my religion in a safe situation. But I have also been yelled at and told I was an abomination to God because of my religion, by good Christian people. Until I have talked to a person and learned how they veiw religion I simply don't talk about it.