My daughter has always been posecceive over my granddaughter and she can be very manipulative! My granddaughter is 18 and did a bad thing by taking her 16yr old friend to a place where there was alcohol. Her step father is a cop and explained to her how wrong that was and when my granddaughter explained she wasn't doing anything he explained to her that doesn't matter because of her age. I explained to her he was right. Her mother then refused to let her go to her boyfriends house. This is where I went wrong by saying that her mother should understand that problem because her dad did that to her and she was only 16yrs old and she wanted to be emancipated. My daughter is now mad at me and want talk to me saying I put My granddaughter in the middle. I have come to the conclusion that I want say anything at all because I tried to explain to my daughter that I told my granddaughter things because her mother had been there before. My daughter told me to be a grandparent and leave the parenting to her and her husband who has cheated on my daughter at least three times and has been married twice before her. My granddaughter told me she doesn't like him and gave me several reasons why! I have apologized several times to both my daughter and my granddaughter but haven't gotten any response from either of them. I love them both very much and have told them that every day. I can't take back what I said and I've done the only thing I know to do. The last time I did talk to my daughter my granddaughter still hadn't moved back home. At this time trying to Apologize and hoping for the best. Opinions are appreciated! Thank you!
From the feedback I'm getting I didn't explain my situation very well and I do have a problem with that so I will try again!
1. Granddaughter and her mother got in disagreement about bringing her 16yr old girlfriend to her boyfriend's house where alcohol was! Mother, father and granddaughter talk did not go well so granddaughter got some of her things and left and to my knowledge has not returned home!
2. I live a long ways from them and knew nothing about this until a few days later when I called my granddaughter and she explained what had happened. I told her that her step father was right that being 18 and being around alcohol would get her in a lot of trouble and if there were adults were there they could go to jail!
3. The reason she left home was because she was told she couldn't go to her boyfriends house and so she moved out so now she goes wherever she wants. I encouraged here to talk to her mom since her mom tells her everything about her personal life betwSen what goes on between her and her husband and the fact that he has cheated on her and my granddaughter just doesn't like him for that and other reasons!
4. That's when I told my granddaughter her mother should understand what it feels like when your not able to see people you want to be with because at some point young people will do the unthinkable to get their way! As much as my my daughter and myself have discussed that fact it wold seem she would have done different. Her father has even told her he wished he and I had met in the middle about how we handled her boyfriend situations! I don't want to give anyone the idea I interfere with my daughter's parenting because I don't. She's 18 and as far as I know she's still out of the house and I haven't talked to her but that one time! I have told my daughter I'm sorry but not sure what else I can do!
Thanks for giving me some perspective on my conflicted relationship with my mom. I think I'll go give her call.
I also had trouble following this. If your granddaughter is not living at home hoe can her mother refuse to allow her to see her boyfriend? And why do you need to apologize to your granddaughter. Is she also mad at you? If so, why? Sounds like you were supporting her.
As a grandmother who has had issues with my daughter I can tell you that telling her child about her mother's past is not right. It's an invasion of your daughter's privacy. I did this once and will never do it again.
Actually I don't follow your logic. Since this happened to your daughter she may feel strongly that she doesn't want her daughter doing it. So you were wrong in two ways. One, to give your granddaughter info that is private for your daughter. Two, thinking you know how your daughter feels.
I expect this is not the first time you've had this conflict with your daughter. You apologize and nothing changes. Her irritation increases over time to anger because you don't understand your daughter's complaint.
I understand where your daughter is coming from. This is a boundary issue. I urge you to find and read a book about boundaries or see a counselor.
Once you can sympathize with your daughter's view your apology while apologizing you will have begun the long road to a better relationship with your daughter.
You were interfering with your daughter's parenting. Being a grandmother requires that you walk a clear path between saying what you think and supporting both your daughter and your granddaughter. Sympathize with both being careful not to criticise your daughter's choices. You could sympathize with your granddaughter without talking about her mother.
I heard judgment in your post. You are saying your daughter is wrong to your granddaughter. It sounds like you don't approve of your daughter's life. Really, her choices are no longer your business. You can disagree with them but judging them harms your relationship with her. You must be neutral when talking with them. Otherwise you may set them against each other and them against you while everyone feels defensive. Practice love and acceptance.
Grandma, you have some boundary issues. You are not the granddaughter's parent, and she is 18, a legal adult.
You should not do or say anything to come between your daughter and her daughter. Your daughter is the mother, not you. It was surely NOT your place to tell your granddaughter about any questionable choices that her mother made during her teen years. If your daughter wanted to share that with her daughter, that would be HER decision to make.
You may love them but you need to take a step back and stop interfering in their relationship. They are probably trying to work on their own relationship and you have proven that you complicate that. Your dislike of your daughter's husband is of no consequence to this story and does not give you the right to interfere between your daughter and her young adult daughter.
Hmm. Your daughter was trying to explain bad choices to her daughter, and how what she did was illegal regarding the alcohol issue. Your daughter has problems with her daughter's boyfriend. Your granddaughter is trying to work issues through with her husband and her daughter.
You're undermining your daughter's parental authority by telling her that your daughter did the same things and worse when she was a teen, and offering your granddaughter the idea that moving out in order to avoid listening to the advice of her parents let alone taking it is one way to go. And more.
Here's my advice to you. Stop apologizing over and over. They're not responding, either of them, because they're angry with you and they need space that you're refusing to give them. In order for them to forgive you for stepping into something that wasn't your business, you need to back off until they're ready to come to you. It's very clear that right now your apologies mean nothing because you don't even know why you're apologizing. Figure out why they're upset with you, resolve not to do it again and understand why you shouldn't do it again, and then maybe you'll make some progress.
EDITED: Even with your SWH added, it's very clear to me that you really don't understand why your daughter is pissed off. You overstepped grandparent boundaries and you don't believe it. You undermined her parenting and don't believe it.
When my mom has done it, awkwardly and unintentionally, it was luckily with less important issues and I was able to let her know gently but better than that was she understood. She was like, "Oh, yes, you're right and I can see how that happened. I'm so sorry, Jess, it won't happen again." Any differences in opinion or suggestions she has about how I should parent come through me first and she doesn't go ahead without my approval. We've always had this kind of relationship. I don't have to worry about what my mom is going to say or do with or in front of my children.
Interesting first question.
So you planted the bug about moving out to your granddaughter and you can't figure out why your daughter is angry with you? Hum....
Wow, boundaries is right.
It sounds like you opened your big mouth and told your granddaughter things about her mother's teenaged behavior. It was NOT your place to do this. If your daughter had wanted her daughter to know these things, I am sure that she would have said it herself.
The fact that you insist that you do not interfere with your daughter's parenting despite the other information you have posted here indicates that you do not even see where you went wrong. You DID undermine her parenting and I can see why she is upset with you.
You need to back off and give it some time...
What does the husband have to do with this? Or your daughter's relationship with him for that matter? I had a hard time following this post as it's all over the place. From what I could gather, none of this has anything to do with you. I'm sure your insensitive comment is the least of your daughter's worries right now.
You need to BUTT OUT. You aren't helping your daughter to be a parent when you're telling your granddaughter to leave home or that her mother "should understand" making stupid choices like going to parties with alcohol or going to her boyfriend's house. You shouldn't be saying anything negative about her parents because it undermines them.
Now you've undermined your own position as grandmother. I suggest that you call your daughter, apologize, admit you were WRONG (without saying "but, I felt like I was right.") and ask what you can do, if anything, to help. And then, when she tells you what you can do....DO IT!
R., I thought it was really cute that you PM'd me to tell me that you didn't follow ANY of my advice.
Well, honey, it doesn't appear that you WANT to fix your relationship with your daughter and grandchild, you just want to be right. Good luck with that.
It wasn't your place to say anything about your daughter to your granddaughter. That is a story to be told by her mother NOT YOU.
You seem to justify your actions by pointing out the stepfather has cheated on your daughter and blah blah blah. Not relevant to the story.
Now, I'm confused about the alcohol issue. How old is the boyfriend? Was this a party or going over to someone's house to hang out? Was alcohol offered OR was it there?
End of story is you overstepped yourself and now you have a mess. Hopefully, it will blow over. But you don't seem to really understand that by saying what you did to your granddaughter under cut your daughter. Just because your daughter did that doesn't mean she wants that for her daughter.
I feel sad for you. You are far from your grand daughter geographically and now distanced from both your daughter and grand daughter due to this misunderstanding. Time will mend it. Good luck.
I think I will have a different take on this which I am not seeing yet.You seem to love your daughter and grand daughter and somehow while you were communicating with them you got more involved than perhaps you even intended.You had good intentions but they do not seem to understand that. In some houses people might appreciate what you were involved with and others not. You really meant to be helpful from what I'm reading here, but sounds like this kind of got out of proportion. Grandaughter has moved out at age eighteen (legal age) and might have needed that excuse to do so. Your daughter is probably having mixed emotions about husband and daughter's departure.I'm guessing she was forbidden to see boyfriend before this and decided time was right. One mother said wait it out and I agree. Families with loving sensitive people often have ups and downs strides that must be taken in life. And sooner or later they realize that being a family sometimes outweighs who is right and who is wrong. Good luck!
Okay, I just have to ask.
Granddaughter is not old enough to drink alcohol either, correct?
So did she take the 16 year old to a wild party where she got drunk or was given alcoholic drinks?
OR
Was she simply at someone's home where they were drinking something, their own personal drink?
Adults often have a glass of wine or a mixed drink with dinner, should a person under the age of 21 not be allowed to be in their home while that dinner is being eaten and they have that drink in their adult hand?
Is boyfriend an adult who was drinking and he offered both of them alcohol?
Can you please be more specific about the actual circumstances.
It truly does seem like it was an innocent mistake. I went to friends houses when I was a teen and their parents were drinking, I've gone to my cousin's house, mostly stayed upstairs, while political parties were going on in the formal part of their house with staff handing out drinks. So I don't think what she did was all that extraordinary unless it was a wild party where the girls got drunk. People are around people drinking all the time. Oktoberfest, the state fair, a picnic in the park where kids are playing on the next blanket over, etc...people drink around others all the time.
I don't think what you said was out of line either. She's an adult anyway. Too bad she's having these issues.
