Refusal to Apologize

Does she even know what I am sorry means? My son is 31 months and would not understand this concept yet. To say sorry you have to understand and feel empathy. Toddlers are very self centered, and not because they can help, but because that is what they understand. They say things that seem and sound mean but it is because they have yet to learn empathy. Also sharing is not understood until a much older age as well. Not to say you can't start to teach these concepts but I wouldn't make doing these things (saying sorry) contingent on earning TV/Toys etc. She may be very verbal but she is still 2 1/2. Just some thoughts.

I know it can be frustrating when you want her to apologize and she won't, but have you explained to her why you apologize to someone and exactly what it means to be sorry you did something? Just curious. She may not totally understand what it means. Kids like to be self determined and make their own decisions just like adults. If you force her to apologize when she doesn't want to or make her say sorry when she isn't sorry, it could make things worse in the long run. My 3 year old is the same way and i just kept telling him how it was very good manners to apologize and he started doing it on his own eventually. Good luck and don't stress about it too much. She's only 21/2.:)

My son was 2 in March and he says it no problem. Think about how much our kids absorb and learn in the first 5 years! They are amazingly smart beings and they also know that can not control much and so this may be one thing she can control. You want her to do it so bad that she doesn't just to make a point. At least they are hugging. They may not "understand" all this apology stuff, but you know she can say it, she just chooses not to. The same thing can be said about potty training and so many other things. Always remember there is so little they can control that this too shall pass when they are ready. Keep encouraging, but try not to push too much and one day they will pop up and say sorry when needed. Patience is the key but sooo hard. =) Good Luck

She may seem mature enough to know to say "I"m sorry" or to know what the word "apologize" means but...she may not be. She'll eventually say it and when she does...make a bit of a big deal about it. It's not that she won't crack...she's 2 1/2 years old! She's already hugging the offended kid...some day soon she'll pull it all together. It's important to raise polite children but she will come around when she matures a little more. If she just doesn't make any gesture to apologize, then say to the offended person...."I'm sorry she did that to you" ...and immediately remove her from the group and give her a time out. She'll eventually get it and hear others saying it and it will catch on. It's the same concept as "Thank you" and "You're welcome". In the summertime, I always have extra kids at the lunch table (over 9 years old). Upon serving the first child, if they don't say "Thank you" , I still always say "you're welcome", then....they ALL start saying "Thank you" and I comment on how polite ALL of them are.

Some day that spiritedness will be a great asset for her. Good luck.

My son was the same way. I tried at first to force him to "say sorry" through punishment, but it didn't work. I am not sure what he thought it meant but he would not say it. I gave up on making him and just made a pointed effort to say it to him whenever it was remotely appropriate. He now says it all of the time without prompting. He even apologizes to his toys when he drops them. It will happen. I agree with giving up the power struggle and lead by example. She will get it.

I know it's popular practice these days to make kids say "I'm sorry," but making them say it does not make them "feel" sorry. Kids know enough to issue a quick, meaningless "I'm sorry" to stave off a scolding or whatever.

I don't think it's necessary to force your daughter to say it as long as you try to instill empathy in her and the understanding of what she has done wrong. In time, she will learn the difference between right and wrong, and she will come to apologize when she is sorry. In the meantime, you might say something like, "Do you know why we took away the toy/put you in time-out/whatever?" and help her with her answer ("Because I hit my friend/was mean/etc." And you can say, "Right, and we don't hurt our friends. We're nice to our friends." That's really what you want her to learn anyway, to be kind to others, not to just issue a rote apology. Good luck!

Dear G.,

I agree with some of the responses other moms provided. I, too, have a 2 1/2 boy, but he's the youngest of (4). He speaks well for his age and does know how to apologize, however, there are times when he's just plain stubborn. Yet he is still a young toddler, so there's always teaching moments. I encourage you do the same on not being so hard on yourself or your child. You'd be surprised one day when your daughter will say "I'm sorry" when you least expect it. They do file away information and will retrieve them when they're ready and/or the moment is "right" for them. Just be patient. You've done the right thing teaching her. Good luck!

K.

It is very common for children at this age not to say "sorry". Instead of telling her to say sorry next time maybe talk to her about whatever happen, she hurt her friend or whatever the situation was. Then tell her how it made her friend sad and suggest she gives her a hug or tells her she is sorry. But whatever you do don't tell her she has to do it because you then made a contol issue and she will always win. If she gets hurt or something and someone tells her sorry make a big deal out of it so she can begin to understand it better. My daughter, who was very stubborn, one day asked me, "Why should she say sorry when she did not mean it?" She did have a good point and I did not have a good answer. She's now 18 years old and has no problem with saying sorry. So it will happen some kids just take longer.