When a Child Apologizes, How Can You Tell If They Really Feel Remorse?

I agree with Jo...there seems to be a point where they will apologize without prompting, signaling a "light bulb" trend of right/wrong, social acceptance, etc.

I find that they tend to mean it more if you help them build empathy with the "how would you feel if...?" questions. With my son, if I get him to see that HE wouldn't like what he did to be done to him, he is quicker to offer a "real" apology instead of the "on command" apology.

Pretty simple, did you say, "you apologize to so and so" before they said they are sorry. If you did they don't mean it and probably didn't get around to sorting out what they did and feel bad about it.

Spontaneous apologies are driven by remorse. :)

Once your child shows empathy for other people, you know they really understand being sorry.

Giving them the incidents as it relates to them is the best way to teach this.

If Tommy hit you, wouldn't your feelings be hurt? That is why you need to tell Tommy you are sorry you hit him and hurt his feelings.

Boy, I can tell That girls feelings were hurt, that you would not play with her, If she did that to you, I bet you would be upset that they will not play with you, I bet next time you will let others play with you.

Also, for children that are always saying i am sorry, but continuing to do the action, call them on it.

"You said you are sorry, but you are not acting like it. You keep, pushing even though you know you are not supposed to push. So your I am sorry does not mean anything unless you stop."

At this point in their life, does it really matter? As another said, you can't control how a person feels, but you can set an example for good living by showing them how to behave and evaluate their day to day actions with others.

In time, if you are consistent, they will come to understand what is right and wrong and hopefully will act accordingly when you're not there.

Sometimes understanding the gravity of how actions and words affect others takes maturity and time. Be consistent in your message and continue making your child apologize when appropropriate, and they will learn.

that's one of those things you can't control. we teach them how to act and we teach them why. but we can't mandate their feelings. let it go.

as far as your question as to how to tell, i guess just like anyone else. you make a judgment based on how they act. but to me there's no judgment to make. their actual remorse, or lack of, is between them and their conscience (or god if you prefer).

Tone of voice, body language, not repeating the offense. Remorse, regret, learning from your mistakes, desiring to not hurt someone else.....are all learned skills that take time. And not EASY to learn either.

Let's face it, a LOT of people NEVER learn them.

:)

Kids start saying "I'm sorry" before they learn the meaning of the words. They are usually told to say "I'm sorry" because some parent or grandparent loved them enough to teach them manners.

When they get older, they learn the meaning of the words, then they learn remorse. So, depending on how old the child was, they may or may not understand the words and what they mean.

I always react as if they understand the words. Good luck to you and yours.

If they don't do the offending action again!!!

That's why most early childhood experts don't force kids to say they're sorry - at a young age, they just aren't. They need to develop sensitivity and empathy, and that's not realistic in a 3 year old. A 7 year old is another matter.

Not all children naturally feel remorse..Small children are naturally selfish. However it can be taught. My mom when I was a child along with my siblings would give us examples. How would you feel if someone didnt share with you? Does it feel good if your included? Put yourself in someone shoes? These are all examples to how to treat a child empathy. My kids are thought and kind. I try to get them to think others. Even a small child can visit an assited living ( with a parent) I believe doing these kind. acts gives them a visual example. Not everyone lives the way the child lives.
Its not an easy lesson to be taught. Just be patient. When you notice your child apolize simply tell them your proud they did the right thing...dont go on

Same way with you would with other people.

Perhaps you're the child in this scenario trying to find the "right" answer?

If an apology comes spontaneously, or after a cooling down period (sometimes the next day), it is much more likely to be sincere. If there is an apology in the heat of the moment, or soon after consequences are given, sometimes it feels more like "I'm sorry I got caught and got punished" not they truly regret their actions because it negatively affected someone else. I think sometimes my kids think we will give them back their privileges immediately if they just say they are sorry. When we don't, sometimes they go right back to acting very "not sorry" (mostly I'm thinking of sibling fighting issues). Then I know the apology was really for themselves. We give a lot of praise for sincere apologies, and try to model them ourselves.

I'm with Jo... we actually modeled a ton of "I'm sorry" with my son and never forced him to say it. Instead, we tried to foster empathy for the wronged party or to show why his actions had a negative effect. We get the spontaneous ones now (since he was three, actually)... my return answer is often "thank you for apologizing. Remember, what's the best way to show you are sorry?" and he replies~

"Don't do it again!"

I think that's your 'remorse' test right there.
If a child apologizes on their own, so much better. If it's 'say you're sorry or else (consequence)', it's likely that there's a piece missing.... maybe we didn't get all the information, the child feels misunderstood, or they felt justified in doing what they did---in any case, then, the original problem isn't really addressed--- so the child may STILL have that same problem later and not know how to deal with it.

I don't force apologies because I don't want to teach my son that "I'm sorry" gets him off the hook. And, sometimes, even with 'sorry' there are reasonable consequences which fit the error so that we can truly make amends. (We've all heard the snotty "I'm sorry!" where there was really no regret at all. I'm hoping not to create one of those.... )

You can usually tell, and I agree that you can't make them feel remorse. You can only show by example and sometimes talk about how the actions affected the other person.

With my 3 year old, I'm happy to get an "I'm sorry" out of him that the other person actually hears. With my 6 year old I find myself sometimes reminding him to "say it nicely." I usually follow up with a short talk about why what he did hurt someone else. He's learning.

I just try to keep reinforcing the message and know that they are learning and growing and maturing. They will get there.

If they learn to say 'I'm sorry' with the right sub text, they have a future waiting for them in politics.
Usually when a famous person says it, they mean "I'm sorry <I got caught>".
As it is, a lot of people say "I'm sorry <you're such a jerk>".

Real honest remorse for a person of any age is a lot more rare than we'd like to think.

I can usually tell by the tone of voice. If they say it begrudgingly, then I know they're only doing it because they have too...or if they say "IM SORRY!", I know it's not sincere.

I think all of us know when something comes from the heart.

For me, I can see it in my child's eyes. They give a heartfelt apology without prompting. They think about what they did wrong, they tell me they are sorry for doing that and they explain why they did it and what they will do in the future so they prevent that from happening.

With children, I don't care if the apology is sincere as long as they recognize the need to apologize. Sometimes it really is about manners.

An apology as an adult can be complicated. For a child, it should't be. If you do something inappropriate, even if it's an accident or mistake, then you apologize whether you mean the apology or not. Either an adult will explain why the apology was necessary or the child will figure it out on their own even if the child disagrees with it.

I used to think that forced apologies were worthless. But I see a whole generation of teens and tweens raised from that philosophy and they're rude and self-absorbed. I refuse to raise my children that way. Now, they give thoughtful, meaningful apologies on their own even if sometimes I have to explain things to them.

With my daughter, I do not force her to apologize. I let her live with the consequences of her actions or see how it affected others, which generally leads her to remorse pretty quickly. She'll then offer a very sincere apology, and you can tell by her tone and demeanor that it is sincere.

If she doesn't get to that point on her own, I might give her the cold-shoulder a bit and tell her that I don't want to do such and such with her because I'm still angry that she did such and such to me and didn't even care that she upset me. I figure that's an extension of consequences to help lead her to remorse. It usually doesn't take more than a short period of time (few minutes). Her apologies generally are an "I'm sorry that I did such and such." and some additional comments about not meaning for that speciic reaction to occur.

Also, she knows that I apologize when I do things that her her or other people. I deliver sincere apologies to her that include specific actions and how that may have made her feel.

It drives me CRAZY when her teachers insist on an immediate apology from her or other parents insist on an immediate apology, as it delivers an insincere apology that only teaches kids that an "I'm sorry" with nothing behind it will fix any wrong they choose to do. I'd rather wait out the apology and make my child sorry enough from the consequences of her actions than receive an apology that she doesn't mean at all.

You didn't say the age of the child. If the child is under the age of 6 or 7, forget it. They don't really understand this. And I don't believe you should even ask or tell a child to do it as it's pretty much meaningless. If it's an older child 7 or older, you can tell by the sound the sentiment etc. But even at this age you aren't going to see much remorse or sorrow for doing wrong to someone. Children are just not experienced, not able to feel what others feel yet. They don't even understand what they themselves feel yet.

You've given very little information. But I'd say you may need to look at this differently. You know when someone is truly sorry more often than not.