How to Get My Daughter to Say "I'm Sorry"

Well at this age, they know what is right or wrong.
To her, she did nothing 'wrong'... it was an accident.
So she did not agree nor understand why she had to apologize. Because if she did, it makes her 'wrong' and a bad girl. Hence getting punished.

Just teach her, like a rock collecting moss.

Kids at this age, are NOT good at understanding the 'gray' areas of interactions or nuances. Developmentally, they are more black and white, about understanding.
Understanding and mastering nuances and protocols, are still forthcoming. Still developing.

They need to know the 'whys' of things. Not that they get it right away.

Having your daughter say I’m sorry is getting to be quite the battle for you! From what you say in your post it sounds like she feels that saying she is sorry for the accident, is admitting she did something wrong. Meaning she will get punished for it which of course is not the case. It was an accident.

Instead of just forcing her to say I’m sorry, you need to explain it to her in a way a 4 y/o will understand. In my opinion punishing a child for not saying I’m sorry when they didn’t purposely knock another child over, is a bit too much. You would like to see her act in a different way so you need to figure out what will work for both of you, not just what works for you.

What you could have done is instead of giving your daughter immediate attention, go over to the one that was knocked over, help him up and say “I’m sorry you got knocked over! Are you o.k.? Sweetie, come her and help me make sure he’s o.k. Can you tell him you’re sorry too for bumping into him accidently?” Show her by example first, and then get her involved. If she still refuses, then tell her “You should say you’re sorry. You’re not in trouble; it’s just the nice thing to do. If he knocked you over wouldn’t you want him to say I’m sorry? Let’s show him how nice of a friend you are and just ask if he’s o.k.” Continue to show the boy that you are concerned.

It may take sometime but she’ll eventually get it. Repetition is key. Also role play with her at home several times. Role playing worked great with my kids.

you can lead a horse to water but cant make them drink just cause you force her to say she is sorry doesnt mean she is. instead of lecturing put her in the same scenerio as the boy and ask how she would have liked him to handle it. they need to understand the reason for the apology other than mom made me

Our children learn from us. She will learn how to treat people by watching how you and other family members treat people.
Just a thought, do you think it's okay to teach a child to say I'm sorry or I love you if they don't feel that way. They need to feel the emotion or you are just teaching them to be insincere.

Oh! I had O. of those...the kid who REFUSED to say "sorry". While I don't know if or what you could have done differently but I know what has worked for us overall.
Heartfelt talks explaining what "sorry" IS and what "sorry" MEANS.
Role playing with LOTS of "I'm sorry" opportunities.
Make "I'm sorry" an exaggeratedly used phrase in your home. Over apologize to your husband, your kids, your siblings...whatever you can.

If you force her to say she is sorry when she isn't I think that teaches her to lie. I would just model the behavior and she will get it. I think the note was a great idea. Just make sure she hears you apologizing, saying please and thank you and observing all the niceties and she will learn. I would also be sure that you treat her the same way - apologize to her when you accidentally bump her, etc. I have never done time outs or consequences because I also think they do not teach intrinsic motivation and are not helpful in the long term.

We have taught DD that even if you didn't mean to, when you hurt someone (like stepping on their foot), you say you are sorry just like if you did something on purpose. We also say we are sorry to her when we trip over her or something.

Did she freak out because she thought she was in big trouble?

I would ask her how she would feel if someone knocked her over. Would "sorry" help her feel better? I would also ask if she knew that apologizing wouldn't get her into trouble?

I think modeling the behaviour is probably the most effective. Kids aren't super empathic at this age - they learn to be sensitive, although some are innately sensitive. One thing I did do is say I was sorry to HIM when I did something wrong (bumped him, yelled too loud, etc.). He immitates that, of course. Most recently he kept touching my eye and it bothered me. I got upset, etc. About 5 minutes later he says "I'm sorry I hurt your eye, mommy!" I didn't even ask him to. Very sweet :)

As far as how things finally turned out, I think you did fine. The meltdown was probably avoidable. The talk afterward and the note were a nice resolution.

Bear in mind, though, that a 4yo doesn't process "justice" and "manners" and 'truth" in the same way you do. She may very well have wondered why she should have to be sorry for something she didn't mean to do – depending on how 'apologies' have been handled in your family in the past, she may think it's like an admission of wrongdoing or failure, which can engender unnecessary feelings of shame and confusion.

Additionally, requiring a child to act sorry, or grateful, give hugs or kisses, or any other feeling-based response which they are not actually feeling, is teaching two things we DON'T want them to learn: how to lie as a way to get back to something else they'd rather be doing, and how to invalidate or disconnect from what is actually alive and true in their emotional world. Both of these can have undesired consequences down the line.

With my daughter and my grandson, the adults in their lives simply model appropriate responses, and the child picks up on it as soon as they are cognitively able. If my grandson accidentally bumps another child, for example, I will dust off the child with an apology of my own: "Oh, I'm so sorry that happened. Are you okay?" My grandson began using those social conventions around 4, but is getting really good at it now that he's five. I've never "required" him to say he was sorry. And sometimes when he misbehaves, he does feel sorry for it and apologize, but it may be 15 minutes or two days later. But when it happens, it's authentic, and comes from the center of his sweet little soul.

If I were in your position, I'd be intensely curious about the very strong reaction your daughter. If you can ask her about it in a day or two, really listen to what got her feeling so upset. Feelings are spontaneous, and there's no "right or wrong" about them. They just are. But the thoughts behind them can be pretty illuminating!

That's a hard one because yes, you should say your are sorry especially if it is an accident because it helps to show it was an accident and diffuse a possible escalation. On the other hand, forcing someone to say they are sorry teaches kids to say what they don't necessarily mean.

I think you just continue to tell her that she should say she's sorry. If she doesn't, you should say it for her (model what you want her to do).

Here is how we handle it. It is VERY natural for it to be hard to say sorry for kids (and adults), which is WHY it is so important NOT to let them get in the habit of avoiding it. It's VERY important that they do it, and it's very easy to allow them to slack when they are so resistant-good work knowing it's not OK. The person who bumps into others on a crowded sidewalk and doesn't say sorry (even if they don't mean it) is the less classy person.

First rule: No tantrums. 4 years old. Too old. Freaking out should not be an option for her when she is displeased with you. EVER. She's only doing that because she gets away with it (whatever you're using for discipline on that is something she has decided she doesn't mind, or she wouldn't be having the fits). I would seriously address that first.

Second. She has to say sorry. One warning, and a consequence right away if she refuses. EVERY time. It will become a habit when she learns she never gets away with it, then she will feel comfortable doing it on her own as she matures. If this has been a contention point already, she really doesn't need more explaining about why it's polite. Keep it brief and firm. It would be nice if you could get her to sympathize enough to "want" to say it, but that doesn't work for most kids-or discipline would never be necessary for anyone. It will become her character in time, but you must enforce it at first. This is normal. The firmer, the quicker.

My kids sometimes still need the reminder but would not dare to refuse. They tried that before they knew better, and learned it got them nowhere. It did not take much repetition, since they already knew we were consistent about everything major, this was just one more important "rule" they wouldn't get away with breaking (they don't have many, but this is a biggy) You have to say sorry. And refusing to do so is a double offense because you're being defiant as well as not saying sorry. Total no no. Firm discipline follows. Now they are always courteous and say it, even if occasionally they "forget" they say it right away if I remind them. At the store the other day, my daughter (5) bumped an elderly lady behind us in line, and before I knew what happened she had said, "I'm sorry, are you OK?" Like a little adult. I was so proud, the firmness is all worth it.

And no tantrums!

Also, if you're not careful, kids tend to think respectful things like this are "battles they will lose". You need to keep a positive spin on it. Like, "This is what polite people do. I know you are a nice person, and that is why you respect people. We do this, and it is important. It's my job to make sure you are nice. I know you are." This will not be enough to replace your need to enforce, but the message that its good for her is better than: "You have to because I said so" Though that should suffice as well. :)

Once I saw a kid who refused to say yes ma'am and yes sir, and he was at a boot camp for troubled teens, and the family hosting him had a decorated Navy officer (the kid wanted to be in the Navy) come talk to him and he explained, "You are not lowering yourself by saying yes ma'am and yes sir, you are raising yourself." It's such an important message! Set her high expectations and enforce them.

A perfect book for her age is this one-check the site to see if it's in line with your parenting philosophy:
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

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Some people just have a hard time admitting they did anything wrong and especially in front of others. I would continue to tell her to say sorry but you can't make someone truly be sorry, just learn that it's the right thing to do. Hopefully in time she will truly be sorry. I think time out, etc. is maybe not helping much. I would try to tell her to say sorry in a kind way and not like you are reprimanding her in front of the other person. Also, like someone said already she may feel it was as much the other child's fault and also by how you handle it and how you tell her to say sorry she will either feel punished or bad or just saying she is sorry whether anyone is at fault. Does that make sense? Not sure I worded it correctly. I guess the idea is we need to say sorry when someone is hurt or offended or whatever even if it's not our fault so the thing is to help her care about others and be compassionate not just say she did wrong.

I think you handled it just fine. It is more difficult for some to apologize. I have a teen that can barely do it. He has always been that way. He asked me when he was as young as your child, "Do you want me to lie? I didn't do anything to be sorry for. It was only an accident."

I didn't want him to lie....... that was hard to argue. I just kept explaining how sometimes it makes a difference to the other person, blah, blah, blah.
As he matures it gets better and better, but I have a feeling it will never be easy for him.

I figure that's better than someone who apologizes all the time and never means it.

I haven't read all the responses, but for the most part agree with what I've read, but wonder...did the little boy apologize as well? In your daughter's eyes, it was no one's fault, just an accident and that would be correct. But it almost sounds (and please know I'm not judging, but I have an almost four year old girl that also struggles) like she thought she was in trouble. You know? I know from myself that I have gone through making Addie apologize for everything is someone else is upset and that really wasn't the way to handle it either. I think for the most part you handled this correctly, as the other moms also indicated, but I would just ask that you re-examine in your own mind all of the details.