So my mother is up to her same old tricks again... The latest was I told her she couldnt be alone with my dd anymore b/c of the drinking that was going on and other neglect (not cleaning the baby bottles properly and feeding her from a moldy bottle, feeding her foods that I told them she wasnt developmentally ready for, ect.). So she got mad about this and demanded her housekey back. No problem I gave it back. Two days later she texts that we should all go out to dinner together. Is it just me or is this a little strange? Guess I should add when I told her about the babysitting, we were at counseling. In front of the counselor she kept saying she was sorry and wanted to make it up to me, after is when she called a nd demanded the housekey. This is just the latest in a long line of rude/crazy behavior. Im at the end of my rope with her, but my husband always says to let it go and makeup with her. What would you do?
*Its actually my stepfather that has the drinking problem, what was going on during the babysitting was my mother was letting him hold the baby when he was fall down drunk and leaving the baby alone with him when he 'wasnt that drunk' -- also since I found out about all this I have never left them alone with my daughter. At the time I just said I was cutting back my hours at work and didnt need a sitter- the recent development was I told her the truth about why she couldnt babysit and that she never can again and thats why she mad about it now. As far as I know my mothers not a drunk, not that it makes her any less crazy :)
People who are under the influence do not act rationally. If she is making an effort to get help, then you should support her.
People who habitually use alcohol and other mind-altering drugs are in various states of rationality, depending on whether they are under the influence, coming down, or experiencing various degrees of withdrawal. So you probably experience your mom as different people at different times.
She may wish to apologize over dinner, and, at least at the time of the invitation, she could be quite sincere. Or, she may wish to manipulate you emotionally, scold or argue with you. I think it's reasonable to make room for reconciliation, as long as you are clear that your mom is likely to go on using alcohol, and so your daughter may never be safe alone with her.
On your husband's advice to let it go and make up, be aware that this can easily become "enabling" behavior. Arm yourself by at least reading a book or two on co-dependency and enabling, so you can recognize any ways that you feed into your mother's behaviors.
Few of our mothers are the beautiful, adorable, goddess-like, powerful beings we grow up believing/wishing they were. They are just as subject to flaws, bad habits, and misunderstandings as any other human being. In important part of my growing up was learning to see my mother as the person she is, not my idealized longing that she be some other way. This became a turning point in my relationship with my mom – she could not keep trying to get away with the techniques she'd always used to control me. The shift was not always easy, but overall, a very good thing.
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Erika,
Major red flags all over. I agree that she shouldn't be alone with your child period. I also think that she isn't ready to be around your child PERIOD. How can she be a good influence?? She is saying conflicting things, sounds like she is very unstable---feeding baby out of moldy bottle?? I would really encourage you to take time apart from her. She isn't good for you or your baby to be around. Please protect your child at all costs.
GL
M
You can make up with your mother without letting her care for your baby!
You are so right, she shouldn't be alone with your child. Being drunk, moldy bottles, and risking her health with foods whether it is honey or peanuts or whatever. I would go out to dinner with her with the family. Any time she starts to act rude and immature tell her you need to leave and leave. I would definitely always keep her supervised around your daughter... always.
If she is constantly unstable and rude I would keep your distance. You don't need a toxic person influencing your little one, and the child's safety comes first so no non-supervision :)
Holy Toledo Erika! Your mom should not be drinking while caring for your baby. Feeding your baby inappropriate foods and using moldy bottles....total neglect! The fact that she gets mad at you for askiing her to do things your way with YOUR baby is unacceptable. Hubby is wrong, doesn't sound like your baby is in a safe environment while in your mom's care. If you are all on counseling together, clearly there are other issues AND it sounds like your mom is in no condition to be caring for a little one. You can "make up" with your mom in a healthy way with the coaching of your counselor, but I wouldn't leave the baby with her until she "gets it" and the counselor agrees that she gets it.
I just read the "So what happened" FOR SURE baby needs to stear clear of both of them at their house. I think your mom can visit you and baby on your terms at YOUR house. Sounds like your mom is co-dependent w/ your step father and her behavior is showing that. I agree with another post...if you allow this behavior, you are enabling her to enable your stepfather. Another topic for a counseling session! Right now, baby's safety and well being are the most important. You are doing the right thing by getting some professional help.
Understand that the behavior she exhibits is probably related to the alcohol. If she is an alcoholic, she is ill and unless she gets help the behavior will become more irrational as time goes on. Your priority is your child, your responsibility is to her and to her safety. You can honor your mom and still maintain boundaries; realize that the "tricks" will continue and that there will be some good days and some bad and some really bad unless your mom is able to and desires to and does change her behavior. If you are in counseling together it may be a safe place to lay down the boundaries and your expectations since you are now a parent yourself. My past experience with my mom caries a caveat: Always have a witness to what is said between you. Best wishes and prayers.
NO. I have a stupd selfish mother and I would not leave my son with her alone. Thank goodness we live 1000+ miles away. My husband has NEVER liked or respected her and has no problem with me cutting down all communication. Your husband is wrong. Your child's safety comes first. She's not going to change. Maybe if she stays sober for a year or more you can reconsider, but until that day, no way.
It does sound like she's acting out badly. She probably feels between a rock and a hard place. She's staying with your stepfather even though he's a drunk. She's making excuses for him. He takes too much of her time so she became careless with the baby. Now she needs to accept that she's been careless and that's so hard for people to accept! It doesn't matter the age. Young, old, very experienced with kids or not that experienced.
I was just talking to my mother about this today. I am in a real quandary about how to help my daughter see that she's careless with her son in a variety of ways. My mother and I have gone rounds through the years off and on when she's been careless in my daycare. From time to time I've been on the receiving end. I'm not perfect and I don't mind telling you that I don't like being told either!
There's one common denominator in all these situations... The adults feelings are not as important as the children are. The children are STUCK with whoever is caring for them. Like it or not I WANT to learn from my mistakes and be told about things BEFORE anything bad has a chance to happen on my watch.
Your mom will hopefully come around someday.
Its important to extend grace whenever you can. Stick to the boundaries you set up of not being alone with DD, but no reason to not go out to eat with them. Its important to your DH for you two to be on good terms, so do your best to be easy to get along with - as far as your conscience will let you.
It sounds like she has a disorder or her drinking is an addiction and altering her personality/mood/etc... Either way, its tough to have someone like that in the family. It sounds like she's getting some help, so that should be applauded and rewarded. Just don't feel pushed to let her call the shots in the boundaries of the relationship. Be gracious and giving as much as you feel comfortable, and solid as stone on the boundaries.
Best wishes!
Try to keep the lines of communication open with your mother. But *always* have someone else already lined up to take care of your baby.
You could also touch base with your counselor about this. It isn't unusual. Not that's it's standard behavior - I mean that your counselor has seen a lot of it, I'm sure!
dinner out in a neutral spot sounds like a good way to keep the rel'p going without endangering your baby. I'd keep things light and less involved than before and see how that goes.
Doesn't sound rational to me. Sounds like she needs a mental evaluation b/c she's going from one extreme to another. The remorse episodes are a window between the irrational stuff. If there's a way to speak with her doctor, I would. He/she might be able to get through to her and recommend some testing.
Your stepfather is a liability that you can't afford. If your mom wants to babysit, then at your house. Not theirs. She's making excuses for her husband it seems. Her loyalty is divided.
