Question on Feelings of Jealousy (I Guess)

I am so sorry for your loss.

As for how to handle the family...tell your cousin how happy you are for her and mean it. When the "labor stories" starts simply say "I know what you mean" or "I know how you feel".

If your aunt begins with something to the effect that you don't or couldn't because the cousins experience was so much worse, you can simply tell her that although each birth is different (as is each woman's response to it) your experience was very much like your cousins so you really do understand what she went through. Then simply decline to "discuss" it with her further.

My aunt and mother have fueded since they were kids and they haven't outgrown it yet. When I had my son (almost 17 years ago), my aunt called to congratulate me (we always got along ok although I believe her to be off her rocker) she proceeds to start in about my mom. I actually had to tell her I had company...truth was, I have never been in the middle of their feuding and refuse to start now and it was really the last thing I wanted to discuss at such a joyous time. The point to that is that regardless of the distance between you and your cousin, she will probably be more than happy to keep things civil right now. Because of your recent miscarriage, she will probably feel ackward "gushing" about her new bundle of joy. Good luck!

Hi, 1st of all I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage.
My grandmother has her favorites in the family although its never been "talked" about. My daughter who is now 5 had always been treated with lots of kindness and love until my cousin who is a few months younger then my son (now 2) was born. On a visit to great grandmas house I took notice of a picture of my daughter that had been taken down and replaced with that of my baby cousin. The picture that had been up was no where to be seen. I had also heard that cards were being sent to my cousin for the little holidays and my kids weren't getting those. My daughters favorite thing to do at great grandmas house has always been to go around and look at all the pictures. Therefore I have decided to no longer visit great grandmas house. (Only because I know my daughter will notice her picture isn't there...and I don't want to explain why this might be.)
Even though its clear that a few in my family have their favorites I have chosen to "not take this out on their favorites." Meaning they get gifts and cards and are very much a part of my children's life. After all its not the kids fault. We still give gifts to great grandma and those other few on holidays....go to family events and that sort of thing. We just no longer go out of our way to visit her at home and do those extras just to make her happy.
I have told a few family members who asked the truth and I'm sure it's been talked about. I'm over it..I just make sure my children aren't hurt.
My advise is give a gift and or card to your cousin with your best wishes. Take it from there.

M., I think you hit the nail on the head. Yes you have just had a misscarrige and are still greiving. You need to take a step back and look at how lucky you are, you have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby boy, you are blessed. As far as Family goes you can not please all of the people all of the time and who has time anyway.
Your family is the 3 of you and the rest come later.
Your true family and friends will stand by you and understand your busy life and the ones that dont...
It gives them somthing to talk about in there boring daily life.
You are really doing someone a favor... because while they are talking about you, they are leaving someone else alone.
So have a great Day enjoy your wonderful life and remember to smile. L.

No real experience with family or jealousy issues.... though... I know of a few coping mechanisims.

"FANTASTIC!!!" is your new code word for "f-you or up yours.." SO when your Aunt goes blah blah blah... And you are supposed to be happy - "FAN-Tas-tIC!!!" Just try not to say it with a smile when you think of it that way... just too hard.
I suppose you could sub- "really?...hm." with "F- you" for something she is trying to one up something negative that happened.

If at a party... another coping phrase... you are avoiding talking about something, interject with "have you tried the salsa?" or whatever the snacks are that happen to be out.. just become a broken record. "have you tried the salsa?"

It is sad for them that they have to be this way- to make themselves feel better about their lives by not treating everyone they are supposed to love with respect.

I am glad you feel so blessed in your immediate family...it really is a great space to be in.

M.,
you have gotten alot of great advice and letting your feelings out iswhat you have to do. Family is difficult but you have not said how your relationship is with your cousin. If it is good just worry about having the kids grow up to love each other and be open with her about your feeling. The other thing is to talk to you mom. The best person I find is my husband to respond when I don't want to talk to some one in the family. If your Aunt goes on have you husband join in the conversation. You would be surpised.
Good luck
Family is hard
L.

I think you probably are still getting over the miscarriage- don't know if you ever do fully recoop from that. I don't think your feelings are petty- they are real. Now you just have to learn how to cope with it. Families are wonderful- aren't they- ha ha ha! I know it always helps me just to vent and talk about it and just know when you are around them that is the way it is- you can't change them. If it really gets to you then you can talk to your aunt about how you feel. Anyways.. hang in there!

Petty or not, you feel how feel and those feelings should be acknowledged. Life is too short to be around people who are jealous and competitive. One thing I've learned is that even though you love your relatives -- you don't have to like them. One of the things that has worked for me over the years is to separate the "relative" thing and ask yourself "If she weren't my aunt/cousin, would I choose them to be my friends? Do I enjoy their company or do I just put up with them because they are related to me? How do I feel after spending time with them?". It's sad that grown women (your aunt) have to act so immature, especially where children are involved. Try to take yourself out of the equation and put the responsibilty of her behavior back on her. Spend time with people that you enjoy and make you feel good about yourself and truly share in the joy of your little boy. Just because they are your relatives and you love them doesn't mean you have to be their best friend. However, if you truly cherish your relationship with them and love everything about them except for this one problem, discuss your concerns, be honest but always use words like, "I feel uncomfortable because I sense that there's a competition going on that I don't care to participate in and I resent that it feels to me like my baby will be compared to his cousin." ALWAYS take responsibility for how you feel without accusation such as: "You make me feel....." because that will put your aunt on the defense and she will never hear what you're really trying to say. I know these conversations can be difficult but it might be good to clear up any misunderstandings. I am sure that your miscarriage has added to you're wanting to avoid the situation as you have suffered a loss and their happiness is a sad reminder of that. If you're not ready, you're not ready, and you don't have to feel guilty about that. Send your cousin a card congratulating her on her baby and wish her well. If you are close to her or feel that you can be honest with her, enclose a note saying that while you are happy for her that it's a difficult time for you. In time you may be able to deal with it better but for now, take care of yourself and your family. As far as the jealousy and competitiveness of your aunt, you can't change her but you don't have to allow yourself to put up with it. There will be times when you will not be able avoid relatives such as large family gatherings but otherwise you have every right to choose who you want to spend your time with.
Hope this helps a little.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. Family is a funny thing. Your feelings are justified but I doubt that anyone from his family will care. The thing I have learned is that you have to accept people (family) for who they are and you can't expect them to change. Just appreciate them and if it gets to you to much let your feelings be known, but be careful, sometimes it creates more problems.

First, I'm very sorry about the miscarriage, that has to be awful and very emotional.
Families are tough, aren't they?! Unfortuanately, we can't change our family members or how they behave, but we can change how we cope with them and react to them. Your aunt sounds extremely jealous! No baby because they want too many toys?! Yep, she is definitely jealous. What I do, is ignore the people who perturb me and just focus on the people that I love to be around and, of course, my son.
Hopefully, your baby will be able to be close with his cousin and grow up together regardless of the petty things his Grandmother says.
Good luck,
G.
(RI)

Hi M.,
First of all, any feeling you have is neither right nor wrong; it just is! You don't need to apologize for jealousy or any other feeling that you have--and I'm sure you have many feelings right now between the history of the difficult relationship with an extended family member and the grief you feel about your recent miscarriage. It's OK to be sad, angry, or anything else about these experiences.

As far as how to cope with the new arrival of your cousin's baby (and the greater difficulty, how to deal with your aunt), it sounds like you have a lot of empathy for what your cousin went through. Maybe that's a place to start; you could send your cousin a congratulations note, give her a call to see how she's recovering, send a baby gift, etc. Any of these could help you feel like you're being the good person you know you are. At the very least, you are being a good role model for your son. Your aunt does not need to be involved with any of it; if she hears that you extended a kindness to your cousin and her new baby, then your aunt can interpret as she wishes. Keep in mind that "living well is the best revenge!" You have your wonderful family, a delightful baby boy, and a career, and no one can take these things away from you.
Take care of you....
M. c.