Question for Moms of Teens

I haven't been there - my boys are young. But I think I remember my parents doing a lot of, "Well, what do you think you should do?" or "What do you want to do?" and just asking me a few questions here and there to help me think about things.

Being a teenage girl, for me anyway, was all about emotions. There was very little logic involved. Some people are less emotional than me, but I still think there's some truth to that. It's just a very emotional time.

I think what she probably needs from you is a good ear and a little guidance in how to still her heart and really listen to what it is telling her.

Don't blame him - you only know her side of it. And if you come down on him and they get back together, you will be, in her mind, a problem. Right now she is calling you for advice, and that is awesome! So many moms of teens are truly envious that she's not rejecting you but inviting you in! So nurture that!

I'd let her vent her feelings, don't try to give her answers right away, but help her sort out things. What did he really say, what did he not say, where (if anywhere) did she take it too far and ascribe meanings that were not intended, how much is based on her other feelings of embarrassment or rejection by others (e.g. was there a public aspect to this because of a rumor), what is the role of bullying and rumor in a high school, etc. etc. Then, she needs to learn how to deal with difficult people - this is a relationship skill, a job skill, a getting-along-in-college skill, and so on. In the same way that you gently probe to find out what she's thinking, she can learn to probe with others (boyfriend or not) so things don't escalate - at least find out what the problem is before you fight and react. There's always time to get mad later, you know.

I'm not saying you can avoid all teen angst but if you show her how to get to the bottom of things, how to express herself, and how to see that others' opinions and rumors about her (if they exist) say a lot more about the other person than they do about her.

Bottom line - neither one of them is very good at relationships yet, so they are both learning. Of course your loyalty is to your daughter, but that doesn't mean the boy made all the mistakes and she made none. You hate it when she cries - of course - but that doesn't mean HE did it all. Some of it is her still-immature way of dealing with the world. On the plus side she is maturing and having greater depth of feeling. That's part of maturing. Any guidance you give her now will really help her when she is on her own.

Again, be thrilled that she is coming to you. She won't always. This is a golden opportunity for you.

Think of teaching a kid to drive - they make mistakes but they get better with practice. You don't reject your daughter, or her boyfriend, because they can't drive on the right side of the road or parallel park on the first or second or third go-round.

I have a son who is almost 17 who I am very close to, and I've taught high school for 19 years. The general way I handle things is to always be available to listen, and to offer advice when they ask. When I offer advice I try to stay positive. People come and go in their lives, and I don't want to be negative about someone and then have the person wander back into the picture. I do try to be honest, though. If someone truly seems to be a bad influence, or treats others badly, I say so (or try to get the person I'm giving advice to to see it for himself).

My daughter is 19 and a sophomore in college. I believe the best thing I can do for her is to listen. Sometimes it is so HARD to jeep my mouth shut and just hear her out when I feel she has been wronged.

I typically do not give input unless she specifically asks me. I listen to her and by her talking out loud about whatever it is with me, she is listening to her inner self and reasoning on her own. Sometimes it is good for them to talk out loud do they hear what they are saying and feeling.

It is hard to not let my own feelings toward a boy or another friend be skewed when I feel my daughter is hurt. However, I have tried hard to raise an independent child who will make good decisions and one thing I have stressed from day 1 was communication.

Of course it is not all rosy and never has been but overall, I am so thankful because I hear a lot of horror stories from moms of teens.

Best wishes to you!

I'd give her a hug and let her sit by me and I'd listen. To her hurt feelings, to her confusion, and to let her know that people suck and this will probably happen again. How she learns to handle this sort of thing during this time will be how she'll handle it the rest of her life.

She's coming to you. That's good, this shows she trusts you and knows you're there for her. That's all she really needs.

If it were me, I would just listen let her get it all out. If I could enlighten her with regard to human nature to perhaps help her understand her boyfriend's point of view, I would do so. But I would never say anything negative about him; if I couldn't think of something nice to say, I would say nothing at all. If you do say anything negative about him, no matter how mild, it will backfire on you.

As for your own opinion, you have to try to keep things in perspective and remember these are very young teens who have virtually no life experience. They are bound and expected to make mistakes.

You probably can't keep it from coloring your opinion of him a little, but keep it in perspective, and don't blame him for normal immature behavior. Your daughter probably isn't a saint either.

I always gave my teen daughter advice when she asked for it. But relationship advice from a parent should always be given from a mature, adult perspective. And therefore it should always motivate them to be a better person and include a line to the effect of "This too shall pass," (in a way that a teen can understand that phrase) so that the teen knows this really isn't the end of the world.

I love Laurie's advice.

Listen to her. Give some advice sense she is young. But stay out of it. She needs to learn how to deal with her own guy relationships. This probably will not be her last relationship. Sense it is not her first.

I was lucky. My kids had friends in high school and went to all the dances but did not date. I told all three of them that they would have plenty of time for that in college. Kept them busy with sports. Told them all that high school drama just led to trouble. My youngest daughter was homecoming queen. Everyone loved her but she did not get involved with that sort of relationship until her senior year of college. My oldest is now married and the other two are 24 and 26 and are in relationships now. They are too young for that stuff in high school and just get bogged down with people who may or may not have their same interests and goals later on. I told them you can not really tell until much later and it was best to wait. I always listened to everything and anything that upset them.

It might be better for them both to back off on the boyfriend/girlfriend thing and just be friends.
They could take a good long break from each other.
If it's too late for that (more than one friendship has been ruined by attempting to make it a romance), then he's an ex friend and it's something she needs to think about before she goes down that path with another friend.
When it comes to 'he said', 'she said', rumors, drama, etc - it just means they are too immature to be in a relationship.
Besides - I've always felt the rush to exclusive relationships is a huge big massive mistake that too many young people make.
When they are old enough (give it another year or two), they all need to be seeing/dating lots of people so they can figure out what they like - and more importantly - figure out what they don't like - in a relationship.
You do not go steady with anyone for a long long LONG time (try college, maybe later).