A girl I work with was scheduled to adopt a little baby yesterday. The birth mother and birth grandmother had a very open relationship with them. They met for dinner a few times, kept them updated on ultrasound pictures, even called from the hospital to ask what name goes on the birth certificate and whether to circumcise. In the last moments birth Mother changed her mind. My friend is crushed. What is the best way to respond to her? I have sent her an email telling her how sorry I am for her loss but I want to do more. I want to bring them dinner tonight- not to stop and talk-but to just hand them food and head home. Being that its Valentines Day they may already have plans. Plus, I only have her home address from our work list and have never been there before. But we are fairly close work friends so I feel like an email isn't enough. Please help! Oh, and say a prayer for her loss.
You are sweet and a good friend for wanting to reach out. You've already sent a heartfelt email. I'd give it some time. I seriously doubt that they would actually be out tonight celebrating Valentine's Day. But I think this week, you could bring her in something to work, like a cake, breakfast rolls, etc for her & her hubby to enjoy at home.
You sound like a very caring friend. I think any way you reach out to her will be appreciated. You've already stated you won't stop to talk and I think that is best--let her come to you when she's ready to talk. But just bringing her something will show you care. It's hard to bring someone dinner when you don't know if they will be home or maybe have plans. What about some baked goods? Or call her and tell her you've made extra while making dinner for your family and would love to just drop some by while you're out doing errands.
This happened in our church recently and they understood this was just not the baby God wanted them to have. Something better was in store for them and what a blessing. Trust God-he knows what He is doing. This was not a mistake and be patient. God is so good all the time and the right baby and the right timing will happen. Bless them for wanting to adopt. I hope they get a baby soon.
My daughter is adopting in June and this is a fear we all have. I know if you have your own child there is always a risk of miscarriage or losing the baby after it's born, but a loss is a loss and the advice I have is to just tell her you are thinking of her, praying for her and will be there for her is she just needs a shoulder and a friend. Tell her you DON'T know what she is going thru, but you are there to listen if she needs to talk. Take the meal by, give her a hug, ask if there is anything you can do and tell her you will be thinking of her and that you just wanted her to know you care and are sorry for her loss. Sometimes just a touch or a hug is all a person can do! Thank you for reaching out to her. I know she will appreciate the gesture. Praying for you all.
HI: I had the same thing happen to me almost 2 yrs ago and yes, it still hurts but, with family and friends by my side and lots and lots of prayer we are doing ok. I got the sweetest cards, someone took me to lunch and a movie to get my mind off of it. My husband and I went away for the weekend and someone gave us a gift card for gas and another gave a gift card to have dinner out. I didn't want to be alone as I would dwell on all of the what if's but, yet I wasn't at the point to talk about it all the time either.
I will say lots of prayers for her!!!!!
Dear Daisymama,
The birth mom made a life altering decision that happened when she saw the baby. I will pray for the biological mothers decision as being correct for her and also for the potential adoptive mom's healing process to begin.
You are a very kind and considerate friend. Maybe sometime in the future you can suggest meeting for a cup of coffee or dinner but I would give it some time.
Try not to dwell on the negative and believe in happy endings to come,
Mary
This has been over a month, pay attention to your friend and make sure she isn't still in pain and people aren't aware because time has elapsed since she got the bad news. Sometimes when people have an operation or death in the family, people are really good for X amount of time and everybody goes about their business shortly thereafter while the person is still grappling with the loss.
Looks like you have gotten many good responses. I recently finished a novel about a woman whose husband lied to her back in the 60s about the second twin dying instead of allowing her to know the girl was born with Down's Syndrome. Everybody told her she should be happy about the healthy boy and everybody was avoiding talking about the girl she lost. So my advice is to not avoid talking about it. Let your friend know that you don't want to open up the wound by mentioning it if she doesn't want to talk but she can feel free to talk to you when she is feeling down about it. It shouldn't be the elephant in the room.
One of the first responses I read was about your friend getting the right baby at the right time but maybe she should consider doing foster care until that time. It takes a special kind of person to love a child like their own and then give the child back to parents when you aren't sure they have gotten it together. My stepson wound up tangled up with CPS and I was in the court room when several of those foster families adopted the children they had been caring for.
Most foster agencies are always looking for a good home for children and there are so many instances of people that can't get pregnant getting pregnant the minute they adopt. It's something to consider and fills a desperate need in most of our communities.
I can't even imagine what your friend is going through, I'm sure she is heartbroken. She definitely needs good friends right now and it sounds like that is what you are. I would not just drop by their house, but maybe call and see if you can bring something by, or bring a card to work with a restaurant gift card that they can use when they need it. You could also do little things for her, like stop and get her coffee in the morning and bring it to work. Just let her know that you are there for her when and if she needs someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on.
This is awful and I dont know that there is a proper response really, it is nice that you just care enough to ask and she will apprecite you letting her know that you are so sorry and you are here for her in any way, that way she will be able to come to you if she needs it. That is what scares me about adoption, I am so sorry for her and I do hope that she finds peace and when (if) she is ready another baby to adopt. You sound like a great friend, she will value that. xo
I am so sorry for your friends pain! I would give it a day or two, then reach out again, let them know you are there for them. A gift card for a dinner out is a nice idea, and keep the encouraging words coming. Let them know that hopefully someday a baby will be very blessed to call them mom and dad, until then they have people who care and love them.
do what your heart says....I know they will appreciate you thinking of them.
