What Would You Do? - Greenbush,MA

I know of a great organization called RESOLVE that helps women or couples who are struggling with infertility. She may be able to find some support there.

www.resolve.org

Also, adoption is a very real possibility although she will really need to face her grief over not having a biological child. I adopted in September of 2005 but did not attempt a pregnancy first. I decided to go straight to adoption.

Anyway... she is lucky to have a friend like you to lean on!

I'm so sorry for your friend and for you, too. What a difficult, sad situation.

I agree with others who say just to stay in contact, ask how she is, and listen to whatever she chooses to share. You could ask her what will help too - does she want to talk about it, would rather not, does she want you to ask direct questions, or only general "how are you's", etc.

It took us 6 years to have a child (started trying to adopt, had many fall throughs, tried to get pregnant, finally did adopt) - and it was painful. People's unwanted advice and suggestions did not help. Friends who stayed in touch, who sent cards, who made dates with us, and who expressed their caring and their faith in us that we would be o.k. no matter what ultimately happened - those things helped. Mostly talking to others in the same boat helped. I hope your friend does reach out to an in person or on-line support group. But if you can stick by her side, no matter what, that will be an enormous gift to her.

You are thoughtful and caring to support her the best you can!

A.

First, you let her mourn. All her hopes have been dashed. She feels like a failure, and/or she feels that science has failed her. You may not be able to console her - don't make that your objective. Let her express her pain, and ask her what would be the most comforting.

Do not apologize for having your own child - don't feel guilty.

When she has mended a little, she could look into adopting an older child or one with special needs. There are tens of thousands of children desperately looking for loving parents -- there are challenges with all children, whether one births them oneself or whether one opens one's heart to a child birthed by someone else. These are not options which she has exhausted -- she may not be ready yet, but later the time may be right.

She could also consider volunteering for CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocates) to help kids who need an advocate in the family court system, or one of the Dept. of Education program which recruits people to help children whose parents are not able or available to help with education plans for special needs kids. This is good exposure to needy kids and it may open her mind and heart to be able to love one of them of her own.

Good luck and bless you for caring so much for her.

Be the friend that you would want....be there to listen and say very little unless you have experienced the same.Sometimes a good ear is the best comfort-she may just need to talk.Keep on being there even when things are busy.

She's lucky to have a friend like you!

Hi, I had a friend in a similar situation. It was hard to know what to say to her after a while. Luckily after many years of trying she just got pregnant with twins. I know it sounds crazy but she tried everything including many IVFs and nothing worked. She went to a Chinese Herbalist, BJ Wang, in Somerville(?), and he gave her an herbal tea. It may have been a coincidence but she got pregnant with twin boys a month later. I know this does not help with what to say to your friend, but thought she may benefit from seeing him.

Hi J.,
There is nothing you can say or do that will make it better for her. Just be there to listen, hug, give a shoulder to cry on. Do not say that "things happen for a reason" or that you understand-because unless you have gone through it too, you don't, and can't. Just be there for her.

I know the feeling. One of my best friends has been trying to have a baby for 12 years now. It seems they've tried everything possible to conceive but no luck whatsoever. They're also the sort of couple that would make amazing parents.
My husband and I decided last year to start trying and one month later, we're pregnant. It was the most difficult thing I've had to do to let her know that after only one month it worked.
Now our baby is nearly nine months old and he's a wonderful, handsome, happy baby. It's painful, more for her than for me of course, as I know they're still trying.
I don't talk about how wonderful my son is when she's there. I never talk about how much he means to me or how I love being a Mom. If she wants to talk about baby related things then we do. But it very difficult. I hope you friend can find some kind of peace although I can't imagine how painful it must be.

HI There,
I was unclear whether your friend has tried the adoption route or not. It's not for everyone, but it is a wonderful, selfless thing to do. She could always try being a foster parent, too.

Hopefully she'll find a path that's right for her and will bring her peace and happiness. Just be there for her when she needs you. She won't forget that!
Good luck to you both,
B.

Hmmm, the Chinese herbalist in the Boston area might be worth a try that someone else suggested. I know you said she's tried adoption and struck out. But if having a child is truly what they want, adoption may take a while, but it can come to a wonderful end.

My best friend in Chicago did an open adoption. It's not for everyone and has some pitfalls, but it has been wonderful for them. They were actually at the birth! The birth mom had him for a few days/week to give him the benefit of the her first milk supply and to say goodbye to him. It was nerve-wracking, wondering if she would change her mind, etc. But it all went as planned.

He is now 13, has periodic contact with his birth mom and birth brother (a couple years older). It has been very helpful to have a loose affiliation with the birth family. It helps them see development, learn about health issues or quirky behavioral things. And helps him to have a brother to connect with on occasion.

It was hard at first because the birth mom wanted more of a relationship than my friend wanted. One time when the birth mom was going to check herself into a mental health facility, she just called and said can you take the older brother? They took him but then had to draw the line more clearly. They weren't her babysitting service. They were prepared to try to adopt the other son, if things continued like that, but it never happened again. They now have much better boundaries and it works well. Sometimes, they have the brother over for the weekend but mostly they have their separate lives. And the weirdness has passed. Their son is definitely their son, not the birth mom's
alternate mom like a step-mom situation.

Like I said, it's not for everyone, but it has been a huge blessing to all involved.

As an aside, I'm afraid I have no ideas of how to console someone who is struggling with not having kids. My friend and I both have just one child--hers adopted, ours after 9 months of trying. Both of us are delighted with the one, but will always feel the loss of not having another. For the most part it doesn't bother us any more, but time was the best healer.

Our 13-year-old used to pine over not having a sibling, but now he hugs us and says he loves our little family (especially after being at a friend's house with "annoying" brothers or sisters around).

It's hard walking in another's shoes. Asking her what she prefers can be helpful. Just know that some people can live through the joy of others and accept their fate. Some can't or take much longer than you'd expect.

At our church, we used to help out at the nursery long after our son was in it. It was fun to see the little ones, even if we didn't have another. But I realized I had to stop doing that at some point because it kept the wound open of not having a second. I was surprised that 5+ years down the road, when I thought I was over it, I would get teary on occasion about it still.

Time is a wonderful healer. Checking in with your friend, doing things with her, and not always talking about your child can help. But don't always not talk about your family, either. She may love hearing about your little one...or not. She may be able to tell you what helps the most. But remember that may change as time goes on so be attentive to her growth through time.

It's sad to say, but sometimes friends diverge when one has kids and the other doesn't. It doesn't always happen, but sometimes it is a natural progression. As long as you both are true to yourselves and to your friendship, it will evolve naturally--sometimes awkward, sometimes not.

Good luck!

Every option? My cousin adopted a wonderful 4 year old from foster care. He is delightful and was so in need of a loving home and he's found it and my cousin is so happy and he is thriving and they, along with her husband, are a true family(she too went through in vitro - twice - and all the other medical interventions). not that it is your place to suggest it to your friend - obviously first choice is your own biological, but perhaps you can lead her to water...to consider it. Of course, my cousin wanted a newborn or infant, but that kept falling though and breaking her heart and she almost even agreed to the open adoption thing, which i personally don't like - but this has worked out tremendously and so i pass that on to you. hope it helps.

What do you mean she stuck out with adoption?