Problems with Mother-in-law

Oh snap this is bad. So, hubby won't even consider standing up for your privacy? How long did you live with them? Was it their house? Did you pay rent? There are lots of questions.

I would seriously hate this. But, (devil's advocate here) if you all already lived together for 5 years (!) then they probably don't se your house as off limits in any way and think that calling for a heads up is more than enough courtesy.

If you don't see it that way you need to think about how long granny is going to live and how long you can tolerate this. You lived with them for 5 years! Did you get along, was it solely for financial reasons? Either way this is a bit of your payback for living with them for so long.... If Granny's life expectancy is only a few months or even a year or so you may have to suck this up.

If its going to really drive you nutso you might want to see someone to help you sort out your feelings and what you think is a battle worth fighting - or not. The bigger issue is how you managed to live with them for five years if hubby wouldn't stand up for you.

If you're not home, why does it bother you? Do you not trust them? If you lived with them for close to six years, it would seem perfectly normal to me for them to think that they could come and stay when necessary. They do have a purpose for being in the area, it's not just random noseyness. did you participate in the nursing home selection? maybe this was the best one for the price and the fact their son lived close cinched it. it doesnt seem worth fighting over to me... as for the rude comments, i would act like i didnt hear them and leave the room or smile at her and say, "oh, your so sweet, you say the nicest things" then leave!

Because you all lived together for so long, she probably doesn't see this as imposing....I've never lived with my in-laws, but I really wouldn't have an issue if they called and said they had to stop at the house for a drink, to use the bathroom, etc....I would want the same courtesy if I were in the area and needed something.....

What concerns me more is that she makes snide comments to you behind everyone's back....mine makes these comments too and a lot of times in front of others...but I'm taking the high road and not letting her get to me anymore. I have a better life than she has ever had and I think she's jealous and I'm sad for her.....

I do not care for her very much, but if she had a key I wouldn't mind her dropping by to use the facilities or get a drink or whatever. I also don't mind when they stop by to visit in a moments notice, which happens often, because my daughter looks forward to seeing her and she is my husband's mother. She drives me bonkers, but that's my issue and I can't and won't ask my daughter, son, or husband to deal with it....That's not to say that I don't tell my husband how I feel, but I understand that he'll defend her if he feels the need....That's what family does....Family vs. Family is always a toughie.....

Best of luck to you.

It does seem strange that they would move an hour away and then drive back EVERY day to see grandma. And I'm with you, I'd be way done with them popping by every day. It's one thing to make an arrangement to spend the night occasionally when they have to be there very early, but to pop in every day is a bit much.

Is it their former home that you still live in? If so, I would imagine that they feel that the home is "theirs" so they have free reign to drop in any time they want. If that's the case, maybe you should move so they won't feel so "at home" in your home.

In the meantime, maybe you can just arrange to come home a bit later so you can "miss" them.

As for the rude comments, tolerance is the name of the game!

Do not argue with your husband if he thinks there is nothing wrong with it you're not going to change his mind. Why have you not told them that you need private time with your husband and that you are excited to have a new place of your own now and that although you dont mind them coming over but coming over everyday is compromising your bonding time. They may miss you guys! lol who knows.
As far as the MIL comments just get use to it if she has always done it then just ignore it cause if you didnt say anything from jump then its too late. never make your husband feel as if he has to choose between you and his mom or parents, that is a emotionally horrible position for a person and the goal is to get what you want, you can figure this out without him, just think, your solution is there! But whatever you decide make sure you come out smelling like roses to your husband, if your MIL is sly then you must out smart her...see how she likes smart comments behind everyones back from you! NO, no, I'm not suppose to say that to you! lol
Good luck!

This would make me crazy. I value our privacy and I want hubby & DD to myself whenever possible. Since you and hubby aren't on the same page, you might have to resort to drastic measures to get him on yours. I might say to hubby that having in-laws around so much stresses you out when you're trying to relax and shake off your work day. Tell him that on the days his folks visit you're "just too tired and stressed out" to even think of having sex with him. Tell him that if you could just have a few days a week without them visiting, you'd be so in the mood at bed time that you'd be on him like white on rice. When he gets the picture, he might start telling the in-laws that today just isn't going to work for him. Then make good on your promise.

This isn't the sort of thing I would necessarily do because I don't really like using s-e-x- as a weapon of sorts (although I'm not above using it as a reward for DH or both of us). In your case, you don't have many options. I'd give it a try. Best of luck.

I would put my foot down about this with hubby. This is NOT cool. I would tell him it stresses me out and that I LIKE that we don't live with them any longer and that we are not a 7-11 (for potty and water breaks) or Motel 6 (for sleepovers). I then would tell him to change the locks (if they have a key) and not to answer the phone when they call. *Technically* they are asking permission, so if you are not strong enough to tell them NO, then start to be busy enough (or fake it for now) that you can't get their call in time to grant them permission. Really, this is your husbands responsibility to handle. Look him RIGHT in the eye and say, "if mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy" and glance at his crotch and give him the eye. He should get it then. Good luck!

She still thinks of that as her house. Is it her house? Is it sitll considered the "family home"? If it is the family home, move out. If it is your house, change the locks. Have a conversation with your husband about boundaries.

Some reasons that Grandma was not moved an hour away may be:
- Her doctors are located near where she was placed, so she doesn't have to ride an hour each way with every dr visit
-Her friends live near where she was placed and it would be a challenge for them to drive an hour each way to visit her. It's heathy for her friends to be able to visit her, not just family.
-She's close to where she went to church, so church members or the pastor will drop in to visit
-Some of her friends are in this facility, so there is a positive social aspect vs moving where she knows no one except her kids who visit once a day

Did you in-laws move out and you are still in their house? If so, it's understandable why they feel that they can stop in. At least they call first instead of dropping in. If you moved to another location and they are stopping by your new place, it's more of an imposition. You could have other plans every so often and not be home, so that they'd get the message not to assume that you're always available. Still, two month vs six years seems a bit soon to be getting really upset about this.

I'm sure the first few months of having moved grandma are a bit more turbulent for your in-laws than it will be after everything is settled. And, your in-laws are good people to drive an hour each way to check on grandma every day...a lot of people wouldn't do that. Heck, they're good people to have let their grown son and his wife live with them as well as Grandma....that's a lot of people that they had around for 6 yrs. They didn't get much privacy then, and now their daily 2 hour drive doesn't leave your in-laws much time and flexibility for their own social lives. Plus, nursing homes are not necessarily fun places to visit and see your loved one's health declining, so it's probably enjoyable to them to spend a few minutes with the younger crowd after that. I know it's frustrating to have your alone time with hubby limited, but be sure to truly walk a mile in your mother-in-law's shoes too. This isn't without sacrifice for her, either.