Problems with Libido...

Updated on July 27, 2009
L.D. asks from Spring, TX
16 answers

I know that I am not alone with this issue. I have 2 kids, 2 years and a 7 month old that keep me very busy. Also a SAH Mom, so always on the go 24-7. My husband gets upset and very hurt that I don't want to have sex. I know it sounds like a cop out to him, but I am just exhausted at the end of the day!! I love my husband very much and the sex is great, I just wish I had more energy, so my question is, has anyone out there taken anything to improve libido? If so, has it helped and does it give you more energy? What about any side effects? I dealt with rejection from my husband in my first marriage and I HATE that I make my husband feel this way, so I am desperate for some advice. He is a wonderful husband and Father to our kids and definitely deserves to feel loved. Thanks in advance for your help!!

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K.K.

answers from Houston on

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C.B.

answers from Houston on

I take NuWoman. My energy level is steady now and my libido is where it should be. I HIGHLY suggest it. www.nuwoman.com. You even get the 1st month free so you can see if it works for you.

Blessings!
C.

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L.G.

answers from Austin on

Forget drugs - just make it a priority. Start in the morning by thinking of a nice evening with the kids. Then imagine as the day goes on how romantic it will be. Picture yourself the way your husband desires you to act. Then if you still feel tired, ignore it. Your husband needs to know that he is important.

Yes, the kids are exhausting but your kids need to see a healthy marriage. It is reassuring to them when they see their parents having fun together. And yes, door locks are great!

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It has saved many marriages. You won't believe how your husband will want to return the favor and start doing more things that you want him to do.

2 moms found this helpful

J.B.

answers from Houston on

Hey L.,
I don't know if this will apply to you but I was really struggling in the same area for awhile too. After I nursed my son for about a year I got on a combination bcp. After that I started having the problem of decreased sex drive. I did not put the two together at all. I figured being a new mom, taking care of a home etc was just wearing me out,and it does of course! Anyway, it was the worst, mentally wanting to be with my husband but having my body just literally not respond, man I hated that! So we were just working through that, I was just thinking I needed to spice it up, which I did and it was somewhat helpful. But then we decided to have a baby, I got off the pill, and now that I have been off it like four months I am totally me again. I mean I have a toddler, I am prego, and I have an awesome sex drive again. It is great. Only after coming off and seeing this huge surge in desire did I make the connection. I also talked to a friend of mine who is a newlywed and dealing with the same thing. I was just telling her about my experience and she totally identified and is coming off the pill, which she was planning to do for other reasons as well but as a newlywed is super excited about the prospect of having more sex drive. So if that applies, you might want to do a little research online about it, there are tons of articles about this, which I didn't even know when I started taking it. Best wishes and I really hope you get that old spark back;)

2 moms found this helpful
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R.B.

answers from College Station on

As busy moms of young children, our own desire for sex often takes a pretty low priority. I know I am often not in the mood for sex--I'm just too tired to be really interested in it. But even when I'm tired, I've made it a point not to use that as an excuse too often--as much as I've made it a point to have sex at least once a week, whether I'm really in the mood or not. He's happier when I make that effort (even if it's forced), and I know it's good for our marriage. And honestly, I usually feel better afterwards, too. :)

1 mom found this helpful
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K.M.

answers from San Antonio on

I am 45 and have no sex drive. Part of it is because of a female vulva pain problem but part of it I think is that there is no affection happening outside of the bedroom from my husband. I recently heard that sex starts outside the bedroom for a woman and that if a man would start showing his wife affection more that way he will be amazed how much more interested a woman would be in bed. Also, if you don't have a vibrator, I highly recommend one. It will put you in the mood! If you aren't comfortable going to a shop Dr. Laura Berman (from Oprah's show) has a great website you can order from.

1 mom found this helpful
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M.P.

answers from Houston on

I know exactly what you are going thru, I have been there. What I have done is.... look for times when you feel better, not only at night time. My husband and I sometimes lock ouselves in the bathroom for a quickie in the morning (after putting some TV for our 3 year old boy and secure our baby girl in her play area) It is not much but it's something.

Other times is as soon as we put the kids to bed, is still early 8pm and I make it a priority over any other task in the house.

Sometimes I really do not feel like it, but I found out that it is all in starting, then I am very happy and looking and finding time and opportunities are somewhat easier.

Hope this helps

Good luck,
M.

1 mom found this helpful
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M.F.

answers from Austin on

L.,

We had this problem with exhaustion, too. I found what helped us, was

1) random snuggling, like long, connecting hugs in the kitchen, while I'm making breakfast, or a good long kiss before he leaves for work

2) pre-arranging some "mommy-daddy time," and

3) he'll help me put the kids to bed and finish up what needs to be done (like cleaning the kitchen, putting away toys, etc.), so we'll have most of the evening for "mommy-daddy time."

I've heard it said that a husband helping his wife is a huge turn-on. I wouldn't exactly call it a "turn on," but if that's what it takes so we can have time to reconnect. . . I'll take it.

Best wishes!
M.

1 mom found this helpful
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E.L.

answers from Houston on

I had the same situation years ago (but most of the time it's the opposite deal) and after being married about six years I read something which helped me better understand some of our private married challenges. Men need physical stuff to help them feel close to their wives. But women want to feel emotionally close first, and then have sex as a natural outcome of their feelings. So the two are coming from opposite ends of the spectrum, in general. I did an experiment and decided to treat intimacy as a man would (generalities, again) and lo and behold...my husband was happy and I actually felt closer, too. It turned out wonderfully. I just did it that way maybe two times. We really needed that in our relationship because we were threatening to divorce each other. It gave us enough emotional security to then WANT to work on improving our relationship, and I'm grateful for that because now I can't imagine not having him in my life. Best wishes.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.N.

answers from Houston on

I had the same issue for a while. I'm a sahm of 4 with 1 on the way. What has helped me is vitamins. I don't know what kind you take, if any, but Melaleuca sells the best vitamins I've ever had. They are made from whole foods, not chemicals, and has this added complex that helps digest the vitamins. I have never had so much energy before without drinking a lot of starbucks. I feel so much better now that I'm taking them. If you would like more information about them, please let me know. Also, increasing your zinc intake will help. Strawberries are good sources and it really makes a difference with that part of your life. Good luck and God bless!

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N.T.

answers from El Paso on

Maybe you need to talk to you OBG he'll give you some vitamins or even hormones. Good Luck!!!!

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P.B.

answers from Houston on

Sorry, but don't know anything about drugs for the problem. I had the same problem and sat down and discussed it with my hubby - even got a babysitter and just sat in the car. How often he wanted to have sex, when was better for him - morning or evening, etc. - and we compromised. Saturday night, whether I was "in the mood" or not. I have to say, it usually didn't take long for me to start responding "naturally", but sometimes I did have to "fake" it. I certainly didn't care about having it, but to please him, I never let on. It got us thru some very rocky years. Just being willing seemed to be enough. Men need to be physical to feel loved and if I knew that every Saturday night I needed to "perform" I was ready when the time came. I found I needed it too - the touching, the closeness. Definately kept our marraige together. He also started helping out more on that day so I wouldn't be so tired!!!! Good luck!

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R.D.

answers from San Antonio on

A little known fact is the best sex organ is the brain!!! Women have too much on their minds and it is hard to relax when you are mentally doing your to do list!!!
I always tell my husband I get excited when he does the dishes!! lol Or do them together and be playful with hand touching, etc.
Also, ask your OB. It could be as simple as hormones out of whack due to birth.
I take a vaginal hormone which helps with dryness-Vagifem.
I also feel better mentally after sex-reconnects with hubby and produces enorphins which help your system. So it is good to find some way to work around it.
My strategy works okay for a year or so and then I have to try something else.
They say sex makes you live longer and happier so I hope you can find help!!!

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C.S.

answers from San Antonio on

Honey, of course you're tired. You don't mention whether your husband helps with the kids once he gets home from work, but if he isn't, then your tiredness will also be tinged with resentment. Moms really do more than the dads when it comes to the kids and the house - no way around it.

Arrange to hire a babysitter so you can go out and talk honestly to your husband. If you haven't said much to this point he might also be feeling resentful. It becomes a vicious cycle - he doesn't want to hug you because he doesn't want to get his hopes up. But then you feel neglected because he is not touching you (I speak from experience, we had 4 of our 5 kids in 3 years). So, go out for the evening and tell him that you want to be intimate but you are struggling. Then brainstorm together. If you make him feel included he will become part of the solution. If he has not been helping enough with the kids, now is the perfect time to say, "You know it would really help me if you..." Make him a team player, because that is what you are.

As for any pills or drugs, I am not sure, but perhaps you can call your OB/Gyn and ask her if she has any ideas.

It does get better - it takes an effort of will. I like one poster's idea of setting one night a week. I would try for two nights, but if your husband knows that he will always get his needs filled once a week, it will go a long way in all the other areas of your relationship as well.

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L.B.

answers from San Antonio on

First off, sexiness and libido has a lot to do with the perception you have of yourself. You have to feel sexy in order to feel sexy. Does that make any sense? I know what you are feeling I have been there before too. I know that I am a Passion Parties consultant, and we do have a lot of amazing products to help with libido (Pure Satisfaction!) but I also think you need to help find what makes you feel good about yourself. Please feel free to contact me at any time, since I have been there and know what you are feeling on a personal level. ____@____.com

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J.T.

answers from Victoria on

what are you waiting till the evening for? first thing in the morning before the kids wake up. good luck.

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